Don’t Go

Recently I was visiting someone close to me who is terminally ill. It’s a very humbling reminder that even the strongest among us can be reduced to extreme frailty and vulnerability. I often picture myself in that situation, out of curiosity more than anything else. What might I look like, what might I regret, how I may soften or be stricter in the ways I feel I need to protect myself from harmful others who’d want to visit me.

The patient’s father was visiting then as well. The father got up to go to the kitchen, and the patient, despite overwhelming fatigue, said, “Dad, don’t go.” The father assured him that he wasn’t leaving. This brief exchange hasn’t left my mind in weeks. In the case where I’d be in my final stages, who would I instinctively want with me? Underneath all the layers of crap that we all carry around and identify each other by, whose presence brings me calm and peace? When I can barely think straight because thinking is too exhausting, who in my life would be my blind reach for serenity and comfort? Aside from my children, who are mostly still very young, I could not think of anyone. I currently don’t have a significant other, but as anyone with a shred of honesty will admit, having one by no means means that they gift you with true inner peace. Your spouse can make you feel lonely, your best friend can make you feel inadequate, and your family can make you feel alienated. There are no rules when it comes to roles. That’s why even though the exchange I witnessed was indeed between father and son, it took place based on real, truthful emotions. The son really did find comfort in his father being with him. It was heartwarming. It felt right.

 Since I do have a long list of very dear, close friends, it was surprising to me that I could come up with no one immediately. More than anything, this points to my instinctive tendency to isolate myself in the face of danger and vulnerability. This is something I have recently started watching, in order to identify the pattern and unlearn how that pattern will want to dictate my next steps. What was true in the first half of my life is no longer true. I don’t need the same responses since the scenarios are different. I have created a new reality for myself. Since childhood my large, crazy family rolled out one extreme betrayal after another. It was traumatic to say the least. No one was honest, trustworthy, or loyal. The attacks on children, the backstabbing, the flimsy alliances that were subject to change on a whim. It was emotional guerrilla warfare, the only term that aptly describes it. It was subconsciously ingrained early on to trust no one. I actually am a very trusting person in many ways, but there is that part of me that is emotionally self reliant. No family member ever provided me with peace, calm, and understanding. Well, one does...

My marriage gave me lots of gifts for which I’m deeply appreciative, but peace and tranquillity weren’t amongst them. When you are raised on a battleground you usually don’t just waltz into a scene from a Disney movie (and if you did you’d likely get the hell out of there since it would seem so whacked out unfamiliar. Like you couldn’t last there for two minutes. There’s that self removal and isolation I mentioned above). Regarding my friends who I love dearly, being with them is joyful, hilarious, honest, connective, and reliable. With them I am seen and loved. But I wouldn’t say that “serene” is one of the first words to pop up. Perhaps that’s because the concept of utter tranquility from another is one that I just haven’t encountered yet. It doesn’t occur to me because it’s foreign. I haven’t learned it. In discussing this with a close friend who I actually had thought about in regards to this topic of “don’t go”, he said “what about me?” It was heartwarming that he felt he could provide that for me/that I’d come to him for that. I answered that I did think of you, but I can’t see you sitting in one place for very long. People surprise us though at that stage of the game. Sickness and death can extract truth and reality like nothing else. There’s no more time and energy for pretense, for bullshit.
I actually went down a list of my close friends. I’m still mentally doing that. There are definitely a bunch who do put me at ease so why was my first instinct to not recognize that? I have become so skilled at providing myself with peace because I have had no choice; I don’t think to outsource that. That works only to a point because without letting others in we are screwed. My life thus far has been a confusing mess of who to let in and who to keep out. It’s likely, that out of a means of self preservation I was trained not to count on anyone anymore for matters of the heart. As with all else, inner reserve is a balance. We need to become so internally intact but not so much so that we don’t allow the right others to penetrate. After a few weeks I was indeed able to identify several friends that I might say “don’t go” to. This also taught me something huge about my future person. This person needs to be my go to for tranquility, my safe space, my home base. Otherwise there is no point. I don’t need someone to go to dinner or a movie with. I need someone who when I’m at my lowest place emotionally, physically, and mentally, when my logical faculties are shot and I am at my most stripped down, I reach for them like a warm blanket on a cold day. Someone who fills me up when I can’t do that for myself anymore. Maybe I was in that apartment at that specific moment to witness this blink and you miss it interaction. In order to think about this and to understand that peace and love are one in the same. They are fraternal twins born of the same embryo. They can look different but are inherently fused together forever. To truly and unconditionally love someone is to provide them with the enveloping breeze of comfort and stillness. In all of my various spiritual practices the goal is the same. To find that place of stillness and wholeness within our own beings. We are taught to find it because it’s there, with us all the time. When I can tap into that innermost part of myself I know that nothing is missing. It is the safest space. It’s that safety we feel from another that causes us to ask them to stay. There are no “shoulds” here. No mentally imposed ideas about who SHOULD be providing us with that type of comfort. That’s the beauty of these truthful relationships and connections. It can come from someone we just met. It’s all pure instinct, and instincts don’t need explanations.

Who in your life fills you with ease, peace, and comfort? It’s an important thing to think about. Start to make a mental list. I hope you’re on it. I hope others are too.

I Love You. Now Let’s Split the Check🤑

I hate talking about money. Detest it. I have seen far too many times throughout the entire course of my life how it can be a poison that truly destroys. If you haven’t yet seen the foreign film “Parasite” you must. I am usually instantly turned off by anything that’s critically acclaimed or lauded by the Academy, but this movie blew me away. Money does a number on all the characters in this movie to a tragic degree. Art imitating life. It’s really frightening how people’s relationships to money can define, change, or control them. As is the case with technological devices, it’s not the devices that rule us but rather our relationships to them. You can’t blame an inanimate object for your issues. This really has nothing to do with how much you have or don’t; that’s just an excuse. After all, a person on a yacht off the coast of St Tropez can be whining about lack while a single mother holding down two jobs feels content. We bring our own projections to every single situation.

Money and dating can be a particularly sensitive topic, as far as who is expected to pick up the check. While it’s unfair that the man (I’m being hetero normative here) is always expected to pay, TBH I am a bit old fashioned in that department. For me it’s not about money, it is about feeling that someone I’m dating wants to gladly give to me. If not then what are we doing here? There have certainly been times where I have joyfully reciprocated. When I give I give fully and happily. It is never then used against someone at a later time. If that would be the case then that indicates I have given conditionally. Having grown up in a financially generous family, I was taught to give. To friends, to those in need, to community causes. That lesson combined with my giving nature can be a beautiful thing. However, it can be a nightmare in terms of allowing my boundaries to be crossed, which only leads to me feeling like I’m being taken advantage of. Since boundaries are a brand new concept in my life I have this awareness when it comes to money too. For example, it pains me to have my kids’ friends’ parents pay me back for a movie ticket or a meal. I love treating my children’s friends to anything. My mother did that too. But if I’m always asked to pay the other parents back then it becomes easier for me to usually adopt an equal mindset. I’d rather stick to the Even Steven system in this case to prevent resentment from creeping in. In this way that system can safeguard my mental headspace. There are of course plenty of times where I happily treat all my children’s friends and I don’t think twice. You kind of get a sense for what type of mentality the other parent has, which helps me decide how to go about it. My kids each have best friends whose parents treat them all the time too. We don’t think about it, don’t keep a tally, and don’t pay each other back unless it’s a huge amount. It works in those cases since we love each other’s kids as our own. To sum it up; it comes from a place of fullness and abundance. I think that’s the key to the issue of money in dating; are the actions stemming from a place of abundance? If yes, it’s a joy to treat each other. If not then it’s instantly felt and resented, whether it’s discussed or not. We all know when we are giving with a full heart and receiving with one. Truly beautiful giving never feels like transactional bean counting, since giving to this other person feeds our soul. Giving is a wonderful way to connect; if connection is what we want then there’s no real way to resent the taker if said connection is created by gracious reception. I once dated a wealthy guy who clearly seemed that he had experienced feeling financially used. He was often very generous and seemed to be a giver by nature. But he would sneak in comments about how he expected me to pay sometimes too. It was like he was immediately keeping track and it didn’t feel abundant at all. His birthday arose during the two months we dated. I very happily took him out and bought expensive gifts. It was truly my pleasure. But I didn’t like being watched in that way. Like I said, full giving doesn’t make you feel like that. It was pretty quickly revealed that he was indeed stingy in other ways. Monitoring financial giving can often mean monitoring other types of giving too. There’s usually a thread. We always detect the difference. I also don’t need to be told when to give, especially when I am a generous person. Giving in a relationship shouldn’t be monetized. That’s the opposite of skillful courtship, and definitely defies the meaning of deep love. When we really love another, shouldn’t there be no end to what we would do for that person? I don’t mean in a codependent, harmful, self neglecting way. I mean in a healthy, generous, abundant way. We give because we want to, not because we have to. I was talking to someone who had just broken up with a long term girlfriend. They had been on and off for a couple of years. He put it like this, “I knew when I hit that wall of not wanting to give more to her. Like there was always a barrier I didn’t want to cross.” Very astute and self aware. It’s crucial we learn how to read our inner roadmap like that so we can navigate this specific journey of relationships. I love the loving summation “he never ate an apple without giving her half”. She didn’t have to ask. He just gave it and she accepted. That’s honestly one of the most romantic descriptions of a partnership to me. Something as simple and inexpensive as an apple being used to demonstrate a couple’s relationship to instinctive sharing. It’s a given. The man isn’t thinking about the cost of the apple or whether or not he’s now going to get half of her banana.

How about when a couple splits the check? Everyone has their own system, but personally I think that’s the worst. I’d rather treat my man than divide the bill. Beyond icky to me. Zero abundance or romance to be found anywhere in that situation. That would be a major red flag for me. If someone approaches a meal with a stingy mentality then I’d be a fool to expect generous abundance in any other department. And what is the point of a relationship in which both parties don’t delight in heaping loving care, nourishment, laughs, stuff, and kindness on each other? An expensive trip can understandably be different. But yes, I expect my date to happily pay for my movie ticket and popcorn without throwing it in my face at a later time. No, I will not reimburse you, just as it would never cross my mind to demand reimbursement from you either. If we are truly happy to be spending time together, then who cares?? Even if we break up what’s been given has been given. We almost never regret giving when it’s done with proper intention, even if the relationship doesn’t work out, since in that moment we led with a generous spirit. And generosity feels good. As far as intention, if a woman is looking for a free financial ride, then that’s just gross for a million reasons. No dude should be expected to provide that, unless of course he wants to or doesn’t care. But the average hard working male won’t like being used, nor should he. It’s not respectful. It’s hurtful and agenda ridden. It’s a recipe for warranted resentment.

One of the most important ingredients for a blossoming, successful relationship is that the soil on which all else is planted is rich with golden giving and abundance. A strong desire to give to another, whether it’s an apple, a meal, or a vacation. This is required for both parties.  The nature of the heart is to have no limits, and it’s the heart that acts as the guiding force here. If your head is your accountant that is keeping track of all your relationship matters, than you can just file for bankruptcy now. Love doesn’t keep receipts.

Here’s My Card

I recently read that having a business “introduces you to parts of yourself”. That really struck a cord in its truth. I can clearly say that since starting Lady Blaga I have grown increasingly aware of so many more ingredients in my own being. Being a student of this particular experience has been, and continues to be, one of the best lessons in unlocking my potential. I never thought I’d be in this position. My life was on a very formulaic course that was strictly linear and already mapped out for me; by my community, my family, my religion, societal expectations, and my upbringing. At a point, though I loved certain things about that particular existence, it really ate at me that my life was no different than anyone else’s. Even though I wasn’t sure on my vision for what an alternate way could look like, it became increasingly unsettling seeing all these different people living identical lives. Like the only differences seemed to lie in where people sent their kids to camp, and how they make their chicken soup. Little things like that buried the bigger things that I started to suspect were somewhere within. Especially in a God based environment, how could it be that we think were born just to return clothing at stores, get groceries, oversee homework, exercise, and work? Meaning, it had to be that we were created for something special, especially if we believe in the Genesis statement that man was created in God’s image. I never doubted that notion, but I personally had no evidence of it aside from the mythological birthing of man during creation. The more I meet myself the more I feel the truth of that. That we were crafted and designed in order to bring something special to the world. But we cannot bring or share what we don’t have. And we can’t have it unless we know it. And we can’t know it unless we start to look for it. And we won’t look for it if we don’t ask questions. And we don’t ask questions if we are complacent automatons. The inner rumblings have to start somewhere. In my case it started with someone.

When I saw Tzvia, my now manager, at a family affair several years ago, I had no idea what I was capable of. I was creatively pretty shut down, having had no outlet ever. Occasionally I’d write a poem or a speech for someone for their own family functions. I love to rhyme and wrote that way for decades. The blog is actually the first place where I’m writing in this form. It was really formerly all in rhyme. I always loved the challenge of that. I once wrote a ten page poem about someone I had never met. It was a 70th birthday party for the father of a friend. It was a joy to work on that. I asked my friend to describe her dad and I took it from there. I recall carrying my notebook around for days, jotting down rhymed couplets as they popped into my head. There was a time I thought I’d make a little business of that but I had no idea how, and I hated charging my friends for anything, especially something I loved doing anyway. Friends always urged me to start something but the infrastructure of my life didn’t lend itself to big dreams. I felt very small. For awhile I really wanted to write greeting cards. I’d have been perfectly happy with that then, just seeing my words in any sort of print. Imagining someone choosing what I wrote to give to someone on a special occasion made me happy. Back then that would have been enough. When you’re not in a state of expansion, the littlest things feel huge and plentiful. It can be sweet in a way, if that truly can be enough. I think writing amazing and popular greeting cards is actually awesome. Our job as individuals is to ask, seek, learn, cultivate, and share. It just is. We each have something important to contribute. Yours is in there too, I promise. I know it can be hard to find.
 It took connecting with Tzvia to even half believe that my something even existed. My creative muscle had all but atrophied from lack of use, and my inner worth was wrapped up in things outside of me. I was disconnected from my essence in many ways. When she suggested I start a blog (not that I had a clue what that was), I think I said, “about what?”. I swear I had no idea what someone like me could possibly share. Fast forward three years to the Me now who hemorrhages ideas and excitement on a daily basis. I love creating, whether it’s a DJ mix, a recipe, an outfit, a mood in the home, a concept for a fashion line, a witty remark, or a piece of writing. I’m constantly gathering information from my surroundings then spitting it back out. I did the gathering part before but not the spitting. It was physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually painful keeping all that in. My head and body literally hurt. We aren’t meant to lock anything up, especially our gifts. Something dies when we become one big storage facility. Through Lady Blaga I have learned so much about myself. It has been the biggest teacher for me in terms of learning what I can keep coming up with. Every time a shoot approaches, I have no idea what more I can possibly cook. Haven’t I used all my clothing already for looks? I don’t always have the energy and time to write another Inspire post. Yet out it pours, and when the shoot is over and the post is written I’m always invigorated. Making stuff and releasing it is freeing. It is the natural order of things to give, to ourselves and to others. Any form of limiting suppression turns to poison that kills the soul. The contacts and connections I have made through the music industry, the fashion industry, and the creative community at large have been incredibly uplifting. I am getting paid for a number of things that I love doing, which is still somewhat of a beautiful shock. I have soul purpose. I believe very much in the idea in Buddhist psychology that we are all “nobly born”. My ideas now have places to go where they are seen, heard, and felt. I have learned that I always have more to dig for, pull up, and give. I have learned to be patient and trust that the right opportunities will enter my life. This has helped me not take things personally or get frustrated if something doesn’t work out. I have learned I can be disappointed yet hold onto that trust anyway. My job is to keep going and improving so that what’s waiting for me can find me. I have learned that nothing can grow without seeds, that seeds take their time to blossom but that indeed they will.
 

So yeah, here’s my card. I earned the satisfaction of saying that. I never thought I’d have anything in my life to warrant having business cards. I work my butt and feel so grateful to love what I do. What that is exactly is still revealing itself. Perhaps the biggest lesson is learning to walk towards the Land of the Unknown. Along the way you’ll pick up belief in yourself and your vision. Go get You. Commit to being afraid. Be ok with the possibility of failure. Don’t be ok with never having tried. Don’t be ok with regret and a lack of self knowledge. Trust that God/Source/Universe put something inside you that the world needs.

Lessons From Beyond

Don’t cook when you’re angry or agitated. That energy will be transferred to the food and your eaters will taste it.

Do cook when you’re sad and need the comforting process of creating nourishment for those you love.

Find a passion that flows through your veins through which you can self soothe.

Always smile really directly at any cashier. It’s a hard job.

Ask the Uber driver how their day is going.

Hug and touch your loved ones as much as you can. Touch heals you both.

Travel. Travel. Travel.

Road trips. Road trips. Road trips.

Do one thing that terrifies you at least once a year. You don’t have to like it. Surprise yourself with your bravery.

Don’t hold back feelings out of pride. You’ll block precious, loving energy that’s meant to be released. Reciprocation is irrelevant; this is for you and your heart. Holding in powerful feelings can really hurt.

Don’t let anyone define your life experience. Do not waste time or energy on another’s opinion about how you should be living your life.

Smell the air. Touch flower petals. Stare into the eyes of a dog or a baby that’s not yours.

Know when you’re wrong and admit it. This is freeing.

Plan your funeral and make sure your loved ones can send you off properly and well. You all will need this.

Live the kind of life that is hard to nail down into a eulogy.

Trick or Treat

So here’s something I read recently that was pretty eye opening. Many of us have been in situations that for whatever the reason we don’t see plain reality. We are blind to how certain people treat us. The mind, in order to protect the rest of us, tricks us into not seeing the truth of how we are being treated. The mind will justify, over explain, rationalize, and deny in order to avoid a truth we aren’t ready to receive. This is sad but normal. Many of us can relate, be it with a friend/partner/child/colleague/parent etc.

What I read that hit home was this:

In the event where we may not be clearly seeing the reality of how someone treats us, employ the trick of watching how they treat others. When we aren’t ready to admit that we are being mishandled, it feels safer to act as the observer. This gives us more facts and time to put together a mental dossier on our own dynamics with this other person. It also softens the blow by making it not personal. By observing the other person’s pattern it becomes clearer that our poor treatment has nothing to do with us at all. For example, if a person has a history of not being faithful to their partners but claim it’d be different with you, while it’s tempting to believe you’re the one to finally straighten him out, chances are you’ll be looped in to his treatment of other women. When getting to know someone just listen closely. Listen and observe. Are they always the victim? Do they constantly make excuses? Is it always the shortcomings of the women that caused his less than stellar behavior? Is he choosing a certain type of woman and why? We can gather data without judging and criticizing. Sure we may slip into that habit too, but we most definitely have a right to determine what will or won’t work for us in any interpersonal dynamic. It’s so hard to admit that we’re not different or special. This is a good thing. It speaks to the part of us that believes we are indeed those things. However we can’t control how someone else will receive or treat us. We can only watch the movie and decide whether or not to stay or leave. Believing patterns and not apologies is a harsh necessity. Not falling in love with potential is another. The soul’s essence is to believe the best, but the human piece unfortunately reveals what life might be like with this other, based on well documented patterning. Often the sea of red flags are wildly flapping in the wind, but we see what we want to see when we want to see it. Watching how people treat others is a very helpful tool. Is integrity and honesty involved? Kindness, sensitivity, trust? Is love present or just lust and loneliness? If it’s lacking in so many areas of the other’s life, please don’t assume it will be different with you. The notion of not falling in love with potential took me years to absorb. I felt magnanimous in believing in the best in others. If only they could see what I see. I had this with a close girlfriend once too. Everybody else thought she was a selfish bitch but she made me feel special, which tricked me into thinking our bond was unique. It ultimately disintegrated after many tumultuous years. It was my only unhealthy female friendship. My other friends tried to open my eyes but I wouldn’t see it. Empaths like myself quickly fall into the trap of being too understanding, too kind, too sympathetic. In short, we can become doormats and dumping grounds. It took me a long time to learn the difference between a healthy and unhealthy empath. Thank you, The Holistic Psychologist. Trauma brain causes us to think and behave in ways that lead to tremendous self betrayal, all under the guise of empathy. This is all another language that we don’t know until we learn it. Our own patterns of ignoring reality can be maddening for those in our lives who truly love us and want the best for us. I have friends who have told me the same things over and over. Only when I was ready to listen did the truth become laughably clear. Like duh. But I needed to observe first in order to come to terms with reality. And that alone is a tip off; if we think it necessary to observe in the first place then there’s stuff we don’t trust out the gate.

 It’s ok to be somewhat blind to our own treatment. That’s a well placed protective defense mechanism. But we need to be smart before opening our lives and hearts to anyone else. If you can’t admit reality yet then just sit back and watch. You can change the channel when you’re over the storyline. Treat yourself to not being tricked, by anyone, including you.

Open Mind vs Open Heart

To mix things up, I’m not going with an open heart here. This time I’m letting the mind work for me in a way that it’s meant to serve me productively; by employing good judgement.

If you read these posts regularly then

A) thank you

B) you have read me yammer on about how I mostly live from my heart space instead of letting the monkey mind be the puppeteer.

I do abide by that philosophy most of the time. The heart is more open and instinctive while the head can really mess with you. Overthinking, under thinking, over analyzing, scanning the environment for reasons why everything sucks, you get the drift. The head is a tough place to live but a great and needed tool when we think and assess skillfully. As the famous quote says, “the mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master”. Your mind is not you. It’s merely a part of you. It doesn’t have, nor should it, govern your entire being. So yes, while I have found that trusting heart based choices works for me often, I have been thinking about how when it comes to dating the mind may be more useful. At least in the beginning until the heart potentially takes over. I say this because I have been becoming less open minded in regard to romantic prospects. And I’ve gotta say it feels great. Why? Because as I continue to come into my own I am sharper on what will or won’t work for me. And I’m unapologetic about what won’t.

When I first began this journey I was so open minded. I wanted to give people a chance. I trusted the Universe to bring me what I need with much naïveté. I led purely with my heart. Guess what? I DID need all those experiences to lead me to this very point of being way less open minded. It’s time for rationale and judgement to help guide me here. Certain factors and circumstances just do not make sense for me and I’m not caving. I actually did something this morning that I’d never done before. I was approached, had a brief conversation about his current circumstances, and responded with that at the stage I’m at now, it makes sense for me to date someone who is much more settled in their home and divorce process. Previously I’d have never wanted to offend someone. I’d have “trusted” that this person was perhaps sent to me and I should give it an open minded try. I believe he was sent to me; to test me to see if I’m finally able to draw lines and set inner boundaries. Then he asked for my number to be friends(whatever) and I declined. I did say he could reach back out in a few months should he become more settled. I doubt I’ll hear from him and that’s totally fine. I felt good because I was able to mentally assess a situation and act accordingly in a way that articulated and honored my needs. I no longer feel I need to be so open minded. Not right now. Now I’m really closing in on what I have learned works for me. I’m open to the right opportunity but I’m using my heart for other things at the moment. The energy that lives there is precious. I work to keep it open and balanced but it’s not for everyone. I’ve got a really good head on my shoulders. It’s time to use it more discerningly. Judgement, the right kind, is a necessary means of survival. If life is a dance between the head and the heart, then I don’t mind letting my head take the lead.

All Numbers Derive from One

Hi, Friends. I was really impacted by both of these Instagram posts that I read the other day. One idea was a reinforcement from spiritual master Osho, and the other was actually quite a revelation. I love how cleanly and directly Osho lays that down for us, about necessary solitude prior to embarking on a relationship as a means of escape and avoidance of Self. It took me maybe two years post divorce to really believe that concept; part of me felt like I was saying that to myself to justify being single. I recall the open ended prospect of being single as scary. The not knowing when that chapter would ever end. The physical, mental, and emotional craving for a significant other, even an insignificant other, were so all consuming that I wanted to tear my hair out. The frustration was tremendous. However even throughout that hard time I always knew that I was being divinely guided. There was too much evidence in other areas of my life to ever lose faith that I was being led down the right avenues, even if I was being dragged kicking and screaming. I never had the “woe is me” attitude that so many single people immediately lapse into; self pity and complaining isn’t my thing. It’s also simply unproductive which doesn’t work for an Ayurvedic Pitta like myself who likes to plough forth. Fiery people don’t have time to bitch and moan. We’ve got stuff to burn through and alchemize. Over time the notion of being so secure in my Oneness really clicked. Space was required to meet that idea in a peaceful spot. “Yoga” means “yolk”; a binding together. It took time and many bumps along the way of meeting people whose frequencies didn’t work with mine to becomes yolked to what Osho means. It went from feeling like a justification to feeling like the absolute truth. So many people run blindly and desperately into the next relationship in order to avoid being alone at all costs. This is highly damaging to all involved for so many reasons. If I’m using a man as a means of avoidance or distraction, then he’s doing the same with me. It’s an unlikely scenario that one person’s unhealthy rebound is the other’s healthy bliss. We mirror our partners in more ways than we are willing to admit. I am so clear on who I am now, what I’m capable of, and how I want to carry myself in the world. This inner clarity has made me clear on the type of person that I want and need. I certainly don’t want a hot, avoidant mess and any man who has his shit together won’t want one either. Individual grounding is crucial to a healthy relationship. Your roots are your responsibility. Yes, the right partner helps you water and tend to them, but your solidity in yourself is your job. We have to be the person we want. Out of fairness but also to energetically draw in your match. So if I want a man who is grounded, secure, and at peace with himself, then I had to become that way too. And I have. That inner shift has been so juicy and liberating. The more time I’ve taken to learn myself, the more I have gelled with my soul. It’s not all pleasant. Getting to know, observe, and care for the shadow parts has been very tough work. But it’s impossible to be whole without that step. And if you’re not whole or at least trying to be, then you are offering your partner a bag of fragmented pieces that you most likely expect them to glue together. It’s actually really unfair and selfish. I don’t want to put someone back together. I’m not looking to date Humpty Dumpty, and not just because he’s bald and fat. I want whole so I had to become that first. I bless the time I’ve been given by Source to accomplish that. I’m being guided down a healthier path, one I resisted for a long time. Surrender feels nice.

Speaking of shadow parts, this quote by therapist Silvy Khoucasian in regard to dreams touched me big time. I am a very active dreamer, while both awake and asleep. Sometimes my dreams have been predictions that have come true, sometimes they’ve been visits from departed loved ones, and several times they have been about people I’ve had deep feelings for. I have always woken up from those dreams filled with painful longing for those people. Surely my dreams were pointing towards a part of me that still wanted to be with them. Our subconscious is always at work, so often what we dream about at night turns into daytime thoughts, then right back to nighttime thoughts. It’s a circuitous thought pattern that has us stuck in an old story that never reaches “Fin”. That unfinished movie can fool us into believing that our story with that person still has yet to be fleshed out. That maybe we are still meant for each other. At least that’s what I always believed until I read this post. Silvy’s Instagram account has been very helpful to me. It’s chock full of insights about both the individual as well as the couple. She very clearly outlines the various types of attachment styles, codependent behavior and where it stems from, and how to hold yourself while navigating throughout your personal reactivity. I encourage you to check out her page. Knowledge is power.

In doing so much shadow work and discerning between the dark and light places within me, it was so freeing to read this. I have indeed been identifying old versions of myself, picking them up, soothing them, and tucking them into bed forever. I know why they hurt and I also know those sources of pain no longer apply. But because our shadow parts have been deeply woven into our personalities since childhood, it is very difficult to pry them apart from who we truly are. Everywhere we walk shadows follow. They are interesting to look at on the sidewalk or on a wall because they are distortions of ourselves. They mix things up and show us different versions of what we thought we knew. We need the exaggerated scales of shadows to remind us of what we are in actuality. So too with emotional shadows. They are exaggerated distortions as well. They are there but they aren’t the truth. They need to be looked at, researched, and compassionately understood. Holding them gently is an act of self compassion for our past experiences. It is hard enough to see these shadows and even harder to let them go. They are so encoded. So perhaps when we dream about an ex or future partner, it’s a lit torch down the dark tunnel to where old selves lie like ghosts that still have a message. Persistent dreams of old yearnings can have nothing to do with the other person; they are just there to serve as a representation of what needs tending within you. This makes sense on many levels, mostly because true love isn’t this painful, unmet yearning. It’s quite the opposite. It’s easy, given freely in joy and abundance. It exists in real time and not in dreams. Relationships can be challenging AT TIMES (not all or most of the time!) but love is easy because it’s the most natural state. Dreams are important teachers, but maybe we misunderstand the lesson. I know I have. I haven’t dreamt about anyone else like that in awhile. But I will, and when that happens I’ll first look inward instead of automatically outward. All answers always lie within. Maybe we are puzzles that never get completed; there’s always a piece that fell under the table that we can’t locate. But it’d be crazy to not try to search for it after we’ve spent so much time and care creating the bigger picture.

1978

Ah, here it is; the annual Blaga birthday post. Unless you’re numerically challenged like me, you have figured out that I’m turning 42. My brother and I actually share a birthday. That’s always been one of my favorite random details about my own life. I am three years older than him, and us having been born on the same day is a unique fact. Unique is very good indeed.

My birthday always falls out on my kids’ winter break. This year we are in Panama. I feel a little spoiled that’s it’s become a given that these birthday posts are always being written from some exotic location. I’m a big fan of born day contemplation and introspection, and for me there’s no better place than nature to do that in. I am committed to traveling as much as possible with my children. I want to expose them to as many new locations as I can. They’re still a bit young for some of the trips I really want to take with them, so for now we mostly choose warm weather, beachy destinations. We seem to jive with a mix of sun, sand, water, activities and downtime. This year we are traveling with our best friends and it’s been terrific. Laughter and good times abound as it always is when I’m with this certain group.

I recall exactly where I was last birthday, in regard to my head and heart space. I know what my mind was enslaved to, what thoughts were on replay as we drove from one part of Costa Rica to another. I remember what had me so on edge and battling the anguish that I’d gotten used to. I don’t think I knew how to live without it at the time. I observe the movie of my life in fascination at what has transpired from 41 to today. I can barely recognize parts of myself and my life story at that time, and boy does that feel good. To be free of so much of my own bullshit and unconscious decision making tendencies. It takes a looooong time to get out of our own way, possibly never, unless we finally just wake up and say enough. I have done a lot of work this past year. I have gone on a few deeply cleansing silent retreats, joined a zen Buddhist group in which we focus on serious shadow work (we can’t serve others until we learn how to navigate and understand ourselves), worked my ass off creatively, stayed home most nights with my growing pile of spiritual texts, battled loneliness, impatience, and frustration, became a much stronger DJ, had creative business opportunities I’d never imagined would be a part of my reality, explored past lives with my energy healer, and traveled a lot. Through it all I have continued opening to trusting uncertainty, sloughing off outdated storylines and narratives, and have become increasingly comfortable with being single. When I first got divorced three years ago I gave myself a time limit of two years max until I at least had a boyfriend. I didn’t want to “sit on a shelf”. Um... sad statement anyone?? We don’t know what’s best for us but Source does. There is always a plan that we need to have faith in. The stronger my faith has become, the more satisfying the results prove to be. Relaxing into the unknown with an open heart, uncluttered mind, and a willing spirit is what allows us to meet up with the good stuff that’s waiting for us to claim it. God knew I was way more of a mess than I realized and knew that I needed serious time to learn myself and heal. Clean house.   Honestly, a boyfriend wouldn’t really have allowed for all my growth. Being part of a couple can be very distracting. Instead of looking inward we look outward. At them, at plans, at arguments, at making up, at pretending things are ok when we know they may not be, at being part of a unit instead of sinking into our own oneness. We attract what we are at any given time, so anyone I’d have brought into my life a year ago wouldn’t be the right person for who I am now. And I like who I am much better at 42. I’m so much less reactive, so much more emotionally independent, so much more curious, so much less fearful than ever before, so much more aware, so much more courageous, so much more present and spacious. I get asked all the time how I fit so much in. You know what? I just make room. It’s not that hard since the more expansive I’ve become by clearing out shit, the more room I naturally have for other things. I get overwhelmed at times but I have been able to incorporate what is ready for me. There’s more coming.

One of the things I’m proudest of as I take this next lap around the sun is my increased level of restraint. I had TONS of bullshit I had to finally just say no to. Dumb, useless, impulsive habits, unskillful thinking, codependency, fear based attachments, lowering my standards, chasing emotional chaos, believing love bombers, not respecting myself enough, overlooking reality in favor of idealized potential in others, not seeing the plain facts in front of me in order to will a different outcome, living in time zones other than the present. Just to name a few. At a certain point I had just had enough. One day you just decide. After years of ignoring things my friends pointed out because “it was complicated” or “they didn’t understand”, it was just getting stupid. I was wasting my own time and energy. These realizations can’t be rushed. We need to work through sludge to want to take a good, hot shower. But it was clear that I had to exercise self control in regard to many patterns, no matter how uncomfortable it was. My ego was raging at losing its predictions. The ego mind always fights hardest when it feels it’s losing its power. Simply put, we have to decide to do what’s good for us even if we don’t like it. Not liking it now will lead to loving something that’s better. Saying no actually feels good, after we get past the tweaking for the emotional drugs. Each time we do right by ourselves the soul smiles. Every wise and responsible choice makes us stronger. My yoga teacher said recently, “just when you think you can’t stand this position any longer, THAT is when the asana begins”. Just as we are ready to throw in the towel and quit, that’s the very moment we are being invited by Source to push through. We do not have to like it or be comfortable. Complacency breeds stagnation. So for me, having been all la di da with a boyfriend, I’d never have gotten to this point.

One of my favorite Led Zeppelin songs is Gallows Pole. One of the reasons for this is the mind blowing restraint that Robert Plant demonstrates with his vocals. There’s one point in the song where the crescendo is building then he unexpectedly pulls back. It gets me every time. And that slow build up is exactly what makes the song EXPLODE later on. You just have to be patient and then I promise, that burst of brilliance will hit you with euphoria. Restraint is important. Self control is a gift we give to ourselves.  Each time you say no you are really saying yes.   Denying ourselves junk food thinking is crucial. Giving up destructive cravings is the only way towards the life we know is right. Anything that even remotely lowers your vibration and pisses off your inner teacher is your higher self begging you to just stop. This process takes patience and kindness towards the shadow part of us that wants the fix. It’s ok to want, to hunger, to slip up, to hate the process. It’s not ok to be lazy about what it means to honor ourselves. How much time are we going to waste? Most of us are clearer on the answers than we are willing to admit. But we know.
  I am proud to be able to chart my growth each year. I am not some lonely chick sitting on a shelf who needs to outsource my worth; F that. I don’t want a junk food relationship just so I can have a boyfriend🤮. I feel less alone now than I ever have before because I am so much more in union with myself. Thank you, 41, you taught me so much during those twelve months. 42, let’s do this....

And So It Is

To encounter the teachings of Baba Ram Dass is to finally come up for air, even if you didn’t know you were being held under water.

 I’m currently on day 3 of a five day Winter Solstice New Years retreat at Menla. Nestled in the valley of Panther Mountain in Phoenicia, New York. Right now it’s snowing and raining. I did something I usually don’t do; I skipped the afternoon class to stay in bed. I like the ten minute walk to the conference center and normally would insist my body get to where it’s supposed to be, mostly so I don’t miss any of the teachings. Dr. Bob Thurman, world renowned Tibetan Buddhist scholar, and Krishna Das, world renowned Kirtan chanter, are leading this retreat. Menla is the cobalt blue medicine Buddha, hence the name of this retreat space that’s affiliated with the New York City Tibet House. This is my first taste of Tibetan Buddhism. As is my way, I instinctively signed up for this after seeing it on Instagram. Bless you social media; you have tons of crap but also an infinite amount of valuable information that has truly expanded my life. I love you and I’m sorry it took me so long to get to you.

 While I’m really enjoying the coziness of my bed as I look at and listen to the mix of snow and rain, that’s not why I stayed back. I’m still marinating in this mornings offering from our teachers. What took place was not listed on the schedule. It was one of those unexpected events that will forever be imprinted in my mind and heart. I cannot believe my good fortune at having been able to participate. Bob led a Tibetan ceremony describing how the spirit of Ram Dass is passing from his physical body to the spirit realm. Ram Dass’s body is to be cremated tomorrow on December 31st, the last day of this decade. He died on the first night of Chanukah and the darkest night of the year. Always a metaphor for light. We were told in Sanskrit how he is currently in that transitory phase between human and spiritual. Many prayers were said about him, to him, and to the gods who are to welcome and absorb him. It was above all joyful and reverent, very different from the hysteria and grief that describes a Jewish death ceremony. It was riveting when we were told not to be attached to Ram Dass’s body since he isn’t. It was deeply moving hearing “Baba Ram Dass” over and over in Sanskrit. The ancient languages have a truly mystical quality. The teachings of Ram Dass have profoundly changed my life many times. They’ll continue to do so. His words and ideas hit me deeper and deeper with each new phase I enter. He has gotten me through incredibly difficult, overwhelming times. His voice is an elixir, his lectures and books are a sanctuary. Of course I didn’t know him personally, though I did enter a contest with the Love Serve Remember foundation to join his final Maui retreat three weeks ago. At 88 and in a failing body it was known he was going to die soon. But when his body finally gave out it was a punch to the gut. Just knowing he was here was a comfort. I know he’s still here but you know what I mean. That tangibility we humans think we need. My yoga teacher serendipitously sent me Be Here Now, his most famous book, as a gift two weeks before he died. That too has been a tremendous comfort. Books are my friends.  As soon as I heard he was gone in this form it was crystal clear to me why I was led to this retreat. I felt so guided. I needed to be with others who feel the same way right now. Who know what Ram Dass means.  Krishna Das was one of his original students in India in the 60’s. They were very dear friends. Bob Thurman was his student at Harvard when he was a professor there, and they knew each other from India as well. I look at this group from 60’s India with utter awe and lack of comprehension. I feel the exact same way about Led Zeppelin, my favorite band of all time. Like, HOW THE HELL DID A GROUP OF KIDS IN A BASEMENT IN ENGLAND COME UP WITH THIS?????  There is not a time I hear a Zep song without that thought. It is literally beyond any form of mental grasp. So too am I baffled at the depths of spirituality, love, teachings, and truth that a group of Western, mostly Jewish druggies soaked up from a guru in the hills of the Himalayas. Btw there’s a man here on the retreat who is identical to Maharaji, Ram Dass’s guru. Everyone, especially Bob, is kind of freaking out about it. I sat next to him at the first dinner. I could barely look at him, it was too weird. I may have come across as unfriendly and I feel badly. But if it is Maharaji then he knows I didn’t mean it:). KD was a disciple of Maharaji as well. The stories we have been hearing have been invaluable. I still don’t understand “we were looking for truth and meaning so we went to India”. India is a big place! To go there with no plan, no phone, no address, and no place to stay requires a level of faith, freedom, and desperation that somehow resulted in this magical combination for destiny. I cannot fathom what it must have been like to have been there. That time in history musically and spiritually was just unbelievable. What has emerged from these meetings in India has changed hundreds of thousands of lives. Many Jews feel this way about the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson. The Rebbe is believed by some sects to be the messiah. He was endlessly kind, warm, loving, generous, and could see inside minds and souls. He had access to other levels of consciousness. He turned no one away. Beings like this are rare of course. The more we have of them the better. Every group, religion, belief system, or non belief system (which is still a belief system) longs for truth and connection. The soul craves it. These special, divine people gift us with it. The rabid desire for truth and love is contagious. The first time Ram Dass met Maharaji, he was on a trek with a friend in the Himalayas. He came upon a man covered in a blanket sitting on a bed, surrounded by people dressed in white. His mother had died of spleen cancer a few months prior. The night before they met Ram Dass was outside at night looking at the stars and thinking of his mother. As he approached the guru he thought the whole scene looked nuts. He wanted to leave. He didn’t believe in gurus and this looked like a cult. Maharaji, whose name was Neem Karoli Baba, beckoned to him to come closer. He said in Hindi, “you were thinking about your mother last night”. Then, in English though he did not speak it, he pointed to his stomach and said “spleen”. Ram Dass, Richard Alpert, was in shock. To hear him tell that story is to hear him say that there was no way anyone could have known that. He never discussed his mother and hadn’t thought about her on that level until that night prior. “He could see inside my mind. He knew me”. Ram Dass said he had never seen such love, acceptance and compassion as he did emanating from this being.  So he stayed. The rest is history. Countless lives have been changed from that one moment in time, mine included. KD told us last night that in 1971 Maharaji declared Ram Dass a saint, calling him the Christ of the West. Ram Dass never claimed to be this, and was instructed to never discuss Maharaji once he returned to America. Maharaji of course knew he wouldn’t listen. Ram Dass lived the rest of his life teaching about the point of the human incarnation, and what can make it the most beautiful trip or the most miserable experience. He was pure light but was fully entrenched in his humanity. It’s so real to hear KD talk about how Ram Dass couldn’t stand the other westerners. They were stealing his guru, they were wannabes. I’ve heard Ram Dass say this too in his talks from the 60’s and 70’s. Those talks are better than any form of anti anxiety prescription medication.

 At the end of today’s ceremony Bob burned a beautiful picture of Ram Dass, saying we do this joyfully. There’s nothing to be sad about. His spirit is everywhere, he’s free from his aching body, and he’s not in pain so neither should we be. I was crying for obvious reasons but also because I feel like a failure. People like Ram Dass evoke tremendous hope and inspiration. We can be like this. The human ability to love everyone, serve everyone, and remember god is vast. I felt like shit because I am so not there. In any way. Yes I’m on a path but I get sucked back into the bullshit constantly. It’s very easy to feel enlightened when I’m at yoga, with my zen group, or on a retreat in the mountains. But then I’m back in the world and bam. There’s nothing really wrong with that; it’s the way we are built. But knowing what I should be and could be made me feel like I’m squandering this chance at life. The amount of times a day I judge, constrict, get annoyed, think about nonsense, get attached etc. I don’t mind knowing I have work to do. I just don’t know if I’ll ever really do it. I have lists of people I don’t like very much. How can I possibly “love everyone”? Ram Dass said that too, to Maharaji when he was told to embrace the other western devotees. His response was that he couldn’t stand them. This is one of the reasons Ram Dass is so relatable. He was right there in the trenches with everyone else. He did tons of drugs, participated in orgies while hallucinating, was fired from Harvard, and had to keep quiet at the time about his homosexuality. He had the same human cravings and attachments as the rest of us. But he came to know true joy, service, compassion, and connection to spirit and he wanted the world to know it too. No judgments, only love. He was the only American Baba (father),as declared by Neem Karoli Baba. He was chosen to do a certain job on this earth and he did the hell out of it. How many of us will be able to say that when we die?

 The wellspring of love, comfort and purity that is Ram Dass lives on. He is everywhere now. His heart is no longer contained in finite human form. A lot of miracles are about to happen this coming year and decade, just watch. A certain power has been unleashed. How blessed are we to be a part of that.

Sacre’ Couer

I was really struck by this Maya Angelou quote on courage. It was definitely an “aha” moment. I started to think about the word itself since I love etymology. I rightly assumed that courage stems from the Latin word “cor” meaning heart. Since I took French in high school I know that “couer” means heart, so French was the first association that popped into my head.

Next I contemplated how bravery only really exists from the innermost heart space. Courage, by nature, cannot be a superficial quality. Then it’s just false bravado which is laughably collapsible. Courage and love are so closely connected because they burst forth from a shared place deep within. It takes courage to love since true love requires really stripping away all your layers in order to connect with both yourself and another on the deepest level. If you can’t be brave enough to locate your own heart center then you can forget about someone else locating it. So too will you not be able to fully love someone else. Weed whacking our way through vast, thorny forests of shame, fear, delusion, shitty programming, and false belief systems indeed requires bravery and determination. It feels easier to just carry on in the ways we think we know, even if they don’t feel very good. To journey inward towards the core, the couer, takes courage. Aren’t words just fascinating?? The interconnectedness of letters and meanings, damn.

When I met my first life changing yoga teacher Stephanie, I was naturally giving her some background. I told her I was the first to get married, the first to have a baby, and the first to get divorced. I was just rattling facts that I’d always kind of associated with being an overachiever. She immediately came at me with, “well you’re a very courageous and brave person which is why you just go for it”. I had never once thought of my trajectory this way. Like never. She said this to me at our first meeting. Steph does not say things she doesn’t mean, which I realized quickly. It was the first seed planted that perhaps I should give myself more credit. Maybe the choices I’d made weren’t externally expected of me but had come from an internal place of courage. Over time, as I’ve plunged myself deep into svadhyaya/ self study, I have slowly allowed myself to see what she saw. This is evidenced by how many changes I have made over the past several years. True change comes from fierce dedication, determination, discipline, and consistency. This doesn’t mean we don’t falter and take some steps back, but the overall vision is clear. We fall then get back up again and again. This quote told me quite a bit about myself; that I must have courage since I am so consistent in many ways. Courage is like the ground floor on which all other factors of action rests. I have done a lot the past three years, and if Maya and Steph believe that’s because I’m courageous then I shall believe them. Knowing this has opened the gateway towards even more courage. Like love, bravery has endless room to expand. The heart space is just wondrous that way. At this very moment I feel both empowered yet daunted. I have so much further to go that it does seem scary. Can I really get there? Can I really do what I know I need to? Courage is not being sure; it’s being scared yet going forth anyway. And that is something I know I’m good at.

Let Them Eat Cake 🍰

Be not fooled by the cutesy emoji...
One of the most cutting but important Instagram quotes I’ve read is,

“when you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off of knives”.

This is from poet and author Lauren Eden. Ouch. It’s a great analogy since love is food for the soul. It’s vital and essential for our nourishment in every single way. Each part of our entire being is designed to be fueled by love and affection. We hunger for it, and when not given it leaves an all consuming physical ache. Depression kicks in, the body starts to hurt in various places, sadness, loneliness, confusion, the works. It is indeed inherently confusing when we don’t receive proper love; it’s all the soul wants to be a part of so there’s an innocent “well, why not?” in response to that starvation. The soul is bewildered by the deprivation. It’s like asking a waitress for water and she simply refuses. You enter a restaurant, you sit down, you expect water because it’s the most basic part of a meal. Being denied water would be baffling. The same holds true for love, except in the case of the water you’d think the waitress was a nutty bitch. When we are starved for love the blame and judgment immediately turns inward. And in dealing with those who dispense love and attention in crumbs, it can take a lifetime to learn that said crumbs will not suffice. They won’t even make you feel moderately full. There is no true satisfaction to be found in such crumby interactions. But those of us that are delirious with hunger will not only initially gobble them up, but will be pathetically grateful for them. We will wait for the next tiny, unpredictable morsel because in that brief moment we were chosen to receive. The one doling out these slivers know what they’re doing. It’s not a prank, a punishment, or a mind game. It’s not about the recipient; it’s the need for their own crumbs. That egoistic crack hit of being so desired that all they need to give is just a drop. This is absolutely one of the worst parts of any relationship that contains codependent behavior. It speaks to the deep wounding and insecurities of both parties. A fully loving human would never think to dole out crumbs; they heap love willingly. It’s a joy to give affection. Tons of it. You never have to wait, beg, or take less than you want. As well, a full person on the receiving end would scoff at any measly offering and keep walking. Um... no thanks... I’m hungry but not for your shitty food. Of course what we order off the adult menu is usually what we were taught to want as children. You can have this but not that. You’ll get this amount but no more. You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Get upset?? That’s another post entirely. This does not mean these sliver cutting parents don’t/didn’t love their kids. Not at all. But as we should all know by now, love isn’t enough. It’s what you do with it that satiates another human being. The kind of delicious, nourishing meal that fills your belly and heart with warmth, so that all you want to do is fall asleep on the couch with a smile on your lips. Those us us that have had to resort to knife licking are smart in a tragic way. Our human blueprint will always have us adapting and maneuvering ways to survive. Food, water, air, shelter, human interaction, and love. We will bend and twist as a means of survival. We will hunt and gather using any means necessary. When you hear that people do “crazy things for love”, yes, it’s actually crazy what people will be driven to do in order to obtain love. That’s how badly we need it. We will do whatever it takes, as well as take the crumbs in times of maddening hunger.

Crumb offering and consuming can apply to any dynamic; amongst friends, spouses, romantic partners, parent/child. It’s not unique to any specific category of relationship. There are people with great marriages that let their friends treat them like shit. There are those who have terrible connections to their parents yet feel loved and held by a partner. I definitely know people who were loved well by their parents yet are barely emotionally functional as adults. There’s no formula that guarantees a delicious outcome. However the universal common factor is the need for love, to be seen, to be handled gently and respectfully, and to be genuinely heard. Almost no one has healthy relational dynamics across the board. There is often some messed up cocktail being mixed, served, and ingested somewhere. We will keep accepting drops of hatorade until it starts to taste gross. And the gift is in noticing the comparisons; this tastes good but that did not, this entree appeals to me because it’s a balanced plate, etc. With self study we get to radically sharpen our taste buds. No one else can do this for you. While that can be daunting, see it as a gift you can give yourself. You are capable of this.

I can write this post because I’m now looking at another menu. The old, stale choices are rapidly losing their appeal. I’m no longer starving so I no longer will spend one more second with anyone who won’t bring me water. Not only are crumbs no longer acceptable but neither is a slice. I want the whole freaking cake (just not red velvet; ick). Why am I no longer starving inwardly? Because I’ve done a lot of deep diving and unraveling over the past several years. Chaos is leaving my body, henceforth the craving for more of it is disappearing too. This is a sign of much healing and I’m proud of that. Crumbs are now glaringly obvious and not sufficient by any means. I no longer have interest in what was delicious prior. No one likes small portions, even if the food is bad. As I continue on my dating journey, it’s very gratifying to note the differences in who wants to feed me and at whose table I want to park my little SLT toned tuchus. Do I want desert? Fuck yeah. And no one eats dessert with a knife. Way too sharp a utensil for what’s supposed to be the sweetest part of the meal🥄🥮🥧.

🦁

Unless there’s a miracle I’m never going to see you again in this lifetime. I have been preparing myself for this since last week when despite having been told you had no lucidity, you made perfect sense to me. “Jessie, I’m so happy we’re neighbors”. These words may be the last you ever say to me, but they are lovely words so I’ll accept them with gratitude. You turned to me and looked at me when you whispered them. A few minutes prior I sang the silly song written for your bar mitzvah. I asked you joyfully if you remembered who wrote it and you answered correctly right away. No lucidity; whatever. You were in there and I love you even more than before for gathering strength to connect with me in my grief. What a gift that was. It was the best I’ll ever receive. You are my best friend. I refuse to say “were”. Why should one moment in time force a new set of adverbs down my throat?? I don’t believe you’ll be gone anyway; you may soon leave the discomfort of this body but your essence remains. I see us in the past, in the future, and on an entirely different plane in which you are a baby and I’m this blond, regal giant cradling you and tickling you. You’re on loan and I signed a soul contract to care for you until you’re ready to return to her. I tell you I’ll bring you whenever you’re ready, something we discussed not long ago in 3D. You are being pulled in her direction yet want to stay here for your children. This is a choice only your soul can make when it’s ready. I will have to accept either outcome. I have begun that process. Clinging to the story of a body that isn’t mine would destroy me. My only emotional and mental life raft is to talk to you in the other spaces in which we exist together. Together, always together. You told me a few months ago you don’t have this level of honesty with anyone else. How blessed are we to provide that for each other. In a viper pit of a family we were each others’ support. Even last week it hurt me to see you surrounded by the death eaters that didn’t appreciate you or handle you with the love and kindness you deserve. But as always is the case in this unsavory group, I was outnumbered. Before we were at least a pair. Somehow I always seem to find myself back at square fucking one. If I go down the rabbit hole of fear and alienation then I’m doomed. I found the Zen Center because of you, by googling Tibetan physicians in New York. My zen practice has changed my life. I’m certain that you unknowingly put me there to prepare me for this, as well as a few other chief issues I’m dealing with. All the practice we do, the required reading, the papers we write, the group work; I have always known it was for me to have peace when your soul transitions. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, including having swam two miles in the ocean back to our Miami hotel, after our jet ski crapped out in the middle of the sea. I swam and ran, collapsing breathlessly on the beach, only to find that you had jump started the jet ski and managed to ride it back. You taught me about Lou Reed. “Hey, Babe, take a walk on the wild side”. You were too good at that sometimes. I was the more responsible, disciplined one. Last year I ran a stupid idea by you. You told me it was a terrible idea. When even you thought it was a dumb and crazy move, I had to listen:). You are a mix of bravery and recklessness, always with a fierce underlying desire to live life to the fullest. We planned on going to India. We planned on going to Spirit Rock, Jack Kornfield ‘s meditation center in California.

We planned on going everywhere. When you moved to my neighborhood I was so thrilled to finally have a buddy to run around New York with. It gets lonely going everywhere by myself. Neither one of us ever cared what time it was. The Village, the Lower East Side, those were our spots. Everywhere we went you had a story or anecdote. You are the smartest person I know. The breadth of your knowledge on every topic known to man is staggering. Any new piece of information I came to you with, you had at least a dozen facts about it. I couldn’t stump you. So well read, so thirsty, so curious. So fucking smart. Nothing about you has ever been small. An extreme skier, a champion tennis player, a brilliant piano player. Prowess on both sides of the brain. Intellectual, hyper creative, musical, scientific, literary, mathematical, humorous. There is virtually nothing you’re not really good at. What sets you apart from almost all humans is your sheer lack of judgement. Anyone could tell you anything with zero fear of judgement or scorn. Do you have any idea how spacious one must be internally to allow room for everyone else’s stuff? Having felt the stinging slap of judgement your whole life, you never projected that into others. I’m weak. I still judge. After all, we learned from the best. I protected myself with walls of anger and judgement, while you numbed your pain in other ways. I judge way less then before but it still happens more than I’m comfortable with. It shrinks me, I feel constricted. I’m working on it. Softer is better. You are larger than life because that never took up space within you. You are so loving, sweet, and warm. These last few months as certain things began to fade, your heart kept opening. The response to you from strangers and loved ones alike is the same. Everyone loves you and reacts to you. In the hospital you’d circle the floor introducing yourself to every patient, their family members, and the staff. We bought pizza for the whole staff one night, after we stole a banana from the cafeteria. You wanted air so we went to the street. In your gown, socks, and IV pole we bought falafel from a food truck. Every passerby on the street cheered for you. It was one of those moments when New York feels like the warmest place in the world. You create warmth, it’s your specialty. You have no idea how good you are. I always tell you and I know you believe I’m being sincere. But you didn’t hear it enough, from the right people at the right time. Those early years are a big deal. I tried so hard to make up for that, to fill those holes that had been dug in your subconscious long ago. When I knew I was being lied to years ago about something important and family related, I called you to tell me the truth. You did, and we actually made a pact that day that we’d always be totally honest with each other. In a world where most people are completely full of shit, together we reached that rare kingdom of safety and truthful openness. We discussed the real origin of your dis-ease, and why you got sick almost as soon as you moved back here from the West Coast. There was so much pain to tend to but you were so tired and depleted. I guiltily pushed for awhile then apologized. You loved everything I shared with you about yogic and zen philosophy, energy healing, and astrology. A guy I dated introduced us to a famous monk from Daramsala. Of course his family was American royalty, unbeknownst to us at the time he sat in your living room before Shabbos. Classic us; unknowingly attracting these epic experiences into our lives. We never looked, though stuff like this found us. Two big personalities bumbling along together, laughing our butts off at the messed up truths of our own humanity. The conversations we had can’t be replicated. I can’t say stuff like that to anyone else. Yet. I know in my bones you will have a major hand in who I wind up with, as well as all I’m going to accomplish. Your pride in me always warmed my heart. I heard it in your voice when you introduced me to people. I’m so proud to be your little cousin too. I felt I had a stake in you, like you were mine in a way since we’re so unusually close. I always felt so beautiful, valued, and special with you. You loved showing me off.

The other night I had a full on breakdown in the shower. The kind where one wails loudly and uncontrollably. It was out of body in that I kept repeating two lines over and over. Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. “I wanted you to see it. I wanted to show you myself.” I knew what I meant but several times I had to stop and really look at those words that kept tumbling out. “It” has already happened. I just have to get there. You were supposed to be with me to witness it all, here in this form. We both needed people to take pride in us. We fed each other that emotional nourishment. I have to believe you’ll rejoice in all I have yet to do from a safer, more peaceful place.

Last week I saw a Ram Dass documentary called “Fierce Grace”. Thank god the dharma led me in to see that movie. There’s a scene in it I was meant to see at this exact moment in time. This scene has comforted me a lot this week. In it a young girl named Abby came to Ram Dass after her boyfriend was shot to death in the face while serving in the Peace Corps. She had met Ram Dass a few years earlier as a teen while attending a summer camp for social action. Good people always find each other. The thread is always there. She loved her boyfriend very much. He came to her in a dream visit, and when she told him how much she loved him and missed him he said, “Oh, Abby. This is peanuts. There will be so much more love in your life and now I get to be a part of it all.” On hearing this, Ram Dass, who has heard it all, burst into tears. The purity and truth of this message of love, unadulterated and everlasting. Spirits don’t lie. When they are released from physical constraints they go everywhere. Their power is unleashed. I have been replaying this scene in my mind over and over. That line is what is going to save me now and forever. Knowing that you’ll be a part of everything happening both inside me and around me. There’s no way to not be grateful for that.

Your name means lion in Hebrew. Mamash k’Ari. Truly like a lion. Most who went through what you did would not have made it this far. That’s why I was always so hopeful. You always had nine lives so why not ten?
I have so much to do. The “it” that I was crying about in the shower. You’ll see it. I’ll show you myself. And it will all be for you.

Abundantly Clear

I recently made a fierce commitment to myself; to only go towards abundance. To move out of any thought, feeling, pattern, or situation rooted in lack. Despite all the growth and progress I’ve made, I was still letting myself stay stuck in certain lacking unconscious habits. They were harder for me to identify since they were just that; unconscious. Half a lifetime of embedded patterning filled with holes, pieced together by threadbare survival tactics. At this juncture I’m grateful to have the clarity that I don’t need to survive. I only need to thrive. And so what I once clung to out of deep rooted unworthiness (soooo deep, in the sense that layers had to be jackhammered to discover it) is useless to this current version of myself.

My old trainer who I didn’t think I could live without; I haven’t seen him in two years and I look better than ever.

Shopping in certain stores; nah, without the overpriced nonsense my taste has become much more organically interesting and way more me.

Blocking certain contacts on my phone; I don’t need that wall anymore since I can just let unwanted communication spill off me. I am clearer, I am stronger, and I am more aware of my inner teacher. And she is telling me with loving firmness to cut the shit. As always she is right.

While the ego has so much to gain by keeping us small, the inner teacher is all love and guiding wisdom. She is a selfless voice that steers me towards the abundance that is already mine. I just have to claim it. Lack doesn’t mean you think you’re the worst. It shows up as regular insecurities, self defeat, dishonesty with oneself, too much self deprecation, deciding you can’t pursue a dream for really no reason at all, being overly concerned with public perception, choosing a partner that you know isn’t right for you, and repeating unhealthy patterning with both yourself and others. You can think you’re great but still behave from lack 🏼‍♀️. NO MAS. It is almost 2020 and I know exactly what must be left behind in order to welcome in flowing abundance, emotionally, romantically, and financially. Spiritually and creatively I’m good at feeding myself. I have so much further to go in both areas but after years of being starved to death in those departments, I have given myself creative and spiritual nourishment.

Today in yoga my teacher said “never be complacent”. I’m not. A trusted friend and therapist recently told me I’m like Curious George on speed. This was amusing to me and I reacted neutrally to the comparison. I know that one of the tenets of a richly fulfilling life is to be a forever student. Not in the gathering knowledge and data sense, though that does help to a point, but in the sense that our hearts must be open to the wisdom of the aforementioned inner teacher. The one that lives within you and knows you best because it’s the most important part of you. These lessons are given privately in a class of one. How lucky are we to be born with our very own personalized curriculum by someone who knows our heart’s deepest desires before the rest of us does?

The default neurotic reactivity and emotional anarchy that overtakes me in seconds, that’s the toughest stuff to wrestle with. Now I find myself saying over and over, “nope, that’s the lack going off the rails. Go towards the abundant choice”. It’s a leash yanking me back from my former bullshit. The habits that have long overstayed their welcome. I am meant for great things. The fullest life possible. So are you. No one made you for mediocrity. But at the end of the day we attract what we vibrationally draw in. We find what we seek, knowingly or unknowingly. Lack vibrations pull in lack situations, just as abundant energy leads us towards abundance. Overflowing, juicy, delicious, dripping abundance. One the one hand our journeys require patience and time. On the other hand we can’t waste any more time trying to figure this all out. We can’t and we shouldn’t, and I’ve concluded we don’t have to. The answers don’t lie in articles, links, and podcasts. Those just point us in the direction of what we already know. When an outside idea resonates it’s because it’s matching inner knowledge. We feel some kind of alignment. The inner teacher is like “yeah, duh, I could have told you that”. I have been told my whole life that I make my own rules. I don’t always listen. I can blindly plough forward on my own program when I get that fiery urge. Some of my best work and decisions have been born of those third chakra impulses (that’s where we house ). But impulse must be watched. It often goes rogue and it often stems from old lack conditioning. As I think back to where I was exactly a year ago marked by certain events, it’s abundantly clear to me in which directions I need to keep flowing towards. Which thoughts and motivations are skillfully matching up to this abundant state I want so much. Sorting, always sorting. Making piles. Discerning, noticing, admitting, choosing. The dharma 8 fold path includes right thought, right action, and right intention. With increased clarity comes increased listening to you know who. I’m so ready to listen and surrender. It’s actually a relief to not have to work so hard and force anything. We force out of lack and cling out of weakness. I feel fuller than ever before and will only seek circumstances, humans, love interests, and opportunities that will match that. Bursting at the moment... not sorry at all... 2020, I’m coming for you.

Blip 👾👾👾

Humans have a complicated, often confused view of life in terms of time. This life anyway. Life is either too short or seems like it’s taking forever. Ninety years feels like a very long time indeed, yet we say we are only here for a mere blip in time. If someone dies over 90 they are thought to have had a long life, but of course there’s never enough time no matter how old our loved one’s are when they pass on. The word “blip” is terrifyingly short and insignificant sounding. It’s a one second sound effect. Hundreds of blips appear in one round of Pac-Man alone. If one of these blips isn’t heard no one will miss it. It comes and goes in the blink of an eye. When one day can feel like an eternity, an hour even, then how can it be that we view these current lifetimes as lightening fast blips in the grand scheme of things? Our ancestors had rich, full lives that are essentially meaningless to us. What seemed interminable to them during their own complicated life spans doesn’t resonate with us at all. We can’t even hear their blips for even that one second. How can it be that a whole life, ours included, full of ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows is reduced to an imperceptible split second in time? There are two ways to look at this: that everything we do matters since we have to squeeze the most out of this short gift of life, or that none of it matters at all since the whole darn thing will evaporate anyway. And where does this leave those of us who do feel it matters while we work on internalizing the brief, impermanent nature of life?

I know people who subscribe to both belief systems. What I have observed is that those who think the blipness ultimately means nothing are mostly just trudging through the predictable banality of every day. Days that are either resigned to sameness because “what’s the point?”, or days filled with irresponsible, destructive indulgences because “what’s the point?”. Almost everyone I speak to has children, and I’m always taken aback when a parent who has witnessed the miracle of childbirth can still think breath, life, and heartbeats will just wind up in the “sigh, whatever” pile. I promise this is not a judgement; I just find it interesting and depressing. It makes me sad too, in that it feels very cut off from wonder and awe. God doesn’t need a place here. I personally believe in God/Source, but I don’t think that’s necessary to feel part of something great and important. There is a wonderfully innovative synagogue in downtown New York called Lab Shul; they describe themselves as “God optional”. I love this for how inclusive it is. If someone has a hard time embracing God, they shouldn’t be alienated from tradition, ritual, and community. Connection is still very much alive and available. God isn’t provable in his intangibility, but take Nature. Nature invades all our senses at all times. One need not chant about the elements to prove they exist. Earth, water, fire, and air aren’t debatable. Nature truly is miraculous and magnificent. We know flowers have a short life span yet we water them and care for them while they’re here. We will bud, bloom, then die just like flowers, but are we not to be watered and cared for too? I’ve never heard of anyone call a flower a blip, or say that the life of a two hundred year old tree was a waste. Anything alive matters, especially people. Whether or not one believes in karma affecting the future, how sad is it to give so little love to the present? Is it possible to live an incredibly rich and joyful life, filled with curiosity and integrity, while knowing the blip is really just that? Yes, of course it’s possible and often necessary, to hold more than one belief system. We are alive whether we think it matters or not. We have these precious bodies whether we think they just randomly materialized or were created with deliberate magic. To choose to live with little regard for life is tragic to me. Our choices matter. Our intentions matter. Our lives matter. The blip doesn’t negate the importance of what it’s comprised of. In The Lorax by Dr Seuss an entire world lived on one fuzzy speck. Spilled milk in the grand scheme of things doesn’t matter; life in the grand scheme of things does. I truly feel sad for anyone who compares their life to spilled milk. That sounds like a form of depression. If that’s the case, then I understand why one wouldn’t even bother to have their days and nights not bleed into one another. Reckless, selfish, destructive decisions; sure, why not? It can’t be that that’s the system. Anarchy on all levels would ensue, and the world will always have too much of that which we cannot control. It’s interesting that one friend I have who is an atheist and lives pretty carelessly because “what’s the point, the worms and maggots will be tearing me apart inevitably” gets upset about politics. He doesn’t like or agree with Trump’s decisions because they are harmful and irresponsible. He exercises religiously because his body is important to him. I said to him, see? our actions and goals matter to each of us in some ways. Our time here is important. We are affected by one another, on an international scale or on the most personal. What we choose directly affects those around us. Personally, socially, professionally. There’s no way around that. What we eat, how we look, and how desirable we are matters to most of us. Very few people allow themselves to balloon to 500 pounds and don’t ever shower or refuse to contribute to society. There are certain common choices we make that prove we do in fact care about many aspects of our lives. Karma isn’t provable either, but if you rob a bank and get caught then you have set into motion numerous, obvious destructive effects. So too if you smile kindly at a stranger that will also set things into motion. One smile can change the course of someone’s day and benefit so many others, just because the recipient’s energy was softened. Our energy matters because we matter. Our matter matters, regardless of the blip. When a child dies, even a baby, no one will call that a waste of a blip. No one will say, “who cares”. Forget the blip. You’re here now. It might not be important in 50 years. No one will know who you are in 100. But it matters now. You’re here, you may as well maximize that and gather as many rich, full, joyful moments as you can. We can’t resist the blip. It’s our the fate of our future. That’s for later though. All we have is now. Each night zen Buddhist monks recite the ancient evening gatha, in which the last line is “don’t squander your life!”. You deserve the most meaningful present experience. I hope you all believe that and give that to yourselves. It’s your birthright. Love yourself enough to get out of your own way and trust that all of you indeed matters. God may be optional, but you’re here. Be here.

Observation Deck

I’m flipping things here, cool? While this section on the blog is mostly about me going inward, it’s time I look outward a bit. True, the job is to keep our drishti on ourselves. But we don’t live in isolation. It’s essential that I have a better handle on my surroundings as I learn myself more. My increasing steadiness has allowed me to become more calmly observant of the dating scene. It is a hugely challenging part of life, especially in this particular arena, to practice not taking things personally. What I’ve been seeing more and more is that it’s not personal because most people have terrible relationships with themselves. Any way in which they let themselves down will likely leak onto you. If what they’re giving to themselves is so lacking in self love and self care, then... As I keep exploring ways in which I can be better to myself, it’s becoming easier to spot how the opposite reveals itself, be it in regard to myself or others.

Let’s start with addiction, one of the most obvious ways in which a person lets themselves down. This can be anything from substance abuse to sex to unavailable partners to blame. Even to obsessive exercise and dieting. It is always a form of self punishment, as well as an unconscious urge to get the hell out of the present. You don’t need me to point out that cheating in a relationship, be it marriage or otherwise, is not only greed but an escapist tactic. If you are happy with your person you just don’t act out elsewhere. It’s not just mistreating your partner; it’s mistreating yourself. It is self sabotage. It’s actively depriving yourself of the opportunity to self examine, identify the root of these choices, hopefully heal that space, and go onto the completely satisfying partnership you deserve. It’s cruel to both of you to not put in that effort. It sends a glaring message to yourself that you should stay stuck in a half assed relationship. Any time we rob ourselves of the present moment, that is an act of self torture (I’m obviously not touching one needing to mentally disassociate from current trauma). Thinking about the last fix and how to grab the next one, whatever poison that may be, is painful. It’s either wanting something that is no longer or wasting insane amounts of energy strategizing over how to ensure the next hit. I have done this in my own ways too, just not with the above mentioned vices. There are no good addictions, even seemingly kosher ones, since the very nature of it removes us from presence. So if I’m talking to a man who needs to be buzzed to go on a date, I’ve realized it’s not about me at all. That’s a fight going on inside him. He can’t really like himself very much if a joint or several drinks is needed as a barrier between him and experience. Blocking his own experience leads to mine being stopped too. How can I connect with someone who has half left the building? I want a man who wants to be fully present. If a dude chooses his relationship then is constantly on the prowl claiming some form of dissatisfaction, it has nothing to do with me. Unless of course I choose to engage in that scenario. We often can’t help getting caught in the crossfire of someone’s war with themselves. It happens. We meet people and it can take time to see their story with a clear head. But how quickly we realize and handle our own role in their play, indicates our relationship with ourselves too. I have let myself down plenty. In some very sad ways. I am only learning this now. I recently went on a date where the guy was speeding like a maniac on the highway. I said, “So you’re the asshole on the road everyone hates”. He seemed proud. This person has a long substance abuse problem which has supposedly been under control for years. The speeding was a clear indication, not just of a thread of recklessness, but that this man is not careful with himself. And so he was not careful with me either. For him to assume that he could drive 120 mph with a stranger in the car was extreme and irresponsible. He stopped when I protested, but it was eye opening. It felt alarming on several levels. It was dangerous and selfish to all involved, him included. A lack of regard for his own life immediately translated to a lack of regard for my safety as well. I turned him down after that.

I’m friends with this unhappily married couple. They are both addicted to cycling. They do it separately and don’t skip it because without that endorphin burst they’d implode. Always riding furiously away, only to resentfully return to the same sad place every day. They have both spoken to me separately. I asked him, don’t you feel you deserve a full, loving relationship that you don’t want to drive away from? His answer landed with a common thud; he has found enough “ways” to just exist amongst the gray resignation. It pained me to hear how easily he gave up on himself. It is depriving them both of true chances at happiness. Her misery is tangible. Anyone who gives a shriveled up fraction to themselves will give that to their partner too. I am not claiming that changing is easy or that it’s not disruptive. But it’s far less complicated than we make it out to be. We either fight to give ourselves what we deserve or we don’t. It’s not easy but it is simple.
Viewing the level of accountability others have with themselves has also been really educational. A refusal to be honest and humble on the most private of levels will always lead to outward blame. Screwing up is human. It’s inevitable. But when a dude regales me with tales about how it’s everyone else’s fault...one day it will be my fault too. The mind tries to rationalize and justify, but the heart feels safe enough to admit where its human puppet may have fallen short. The heart is accepting. It understands. So to me, a blockage with honesty and accountability is a blockage to the heart. And a man with a blocked heart can’t care for me in the way I need, want, and deserve. I know this because my own level of self care has grown and expanded, with a mix dedication and tons of missteps. The choices I made unconsciously were all a result of lousy, sad conditioning. It took me a long time to inject forgiveness into that space. We can’t forgive what we don’t radically admit. And the true mark of forgiveness is change, otherwise you’re not really that sorry to yourself.

Self love is never to be underestimated. It’s the opposite of selfish. Your relationship with yourself determines how you treat your partner. Learning how to handle ourselves lovingly and carefully is crucial for a healthy relationship. It’s been an interesting exercise to see how these men treat themselves, and to note the degree to which they need to be removed from their chosen reality. It’s so lame and easy for dudes to subsist on sex, drugs, and rock and roll (women too of course). I want the deepest connection that’s humanly possible. And that can’t be achieved with a man who is disconnected from himself in any capacity. If I were to take any of this personally, that too is a disconnect from the truth. It would be an emotionally immature, egocentric stance stemming from my own need to believe that it has to be my fault in some way. I didn’t say the right thing, I’m too Jewish for someone with no background, I talked too much. It’s very hard not to grow crazy with anger at those who drilled me with criticism throughout my life. They tortured me because of their own inner criticism and torture. Their own self hatred shaped me for decades, but I’m slowly learning not to take that personally either. Hurt people hurt people. It’s taken years for me to calm down and just observe. Breathe, observe, watch, and learn. No stories, no assumptions, just the facts that reveal themselves if I open my eyes and ears. Standing on the observation deck is one of the ways to find stillness in dating. And I can jump ship at any time if I sense the boat might sink. I ain’t going down with that . I love myself far too much.

Three Poisons

I’m concluding a weekend retreat with my Sangha (spiritual community) from the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care. I have been looking forward to this very much. I love this group, this work, these teachers, and these teachings that serve as a roadmap for navigating life. It’s amazing how this 2500 year old system is just as applicable and relevant as it was when the Buddha originally developed it. That’s because human beings have always been, and always will be, the same. It’s our makeup. The people back then were no more easily enlightened or awakened; throughout history we have all needed the same guidance and instruction. Fear, shame, anger, lust, greed, perversions, doubts, deception, and all the other fun stuff was always around tripping everyone up. I find this comforting, that we as a collective all share the same suffering and challenges. It helps lighten the individual load knowing the whole world feels our pain.

The theme of this retreat was turning the three poisons into medicine, them being anger, greed, and delusion. I didn’t know that going in and felt truly guided upon learning that at check in. There are deeply grooved caves of anger that have been dug into my subconscious over time, and I want them gone. I want to unpack that baggage. I know I can do that anytime but it’s not that easy. I felt relief in being able to listen to the wisdom and teachings from my three brilliant zen teachers as a means of assisting me in this conflicting process. Chodo and Koshin are my regular zen teachers at the NYZCCC. They were joined by Tenku who runs a zendo in Beacon, NY and is the president of the American Soto Zen Association. She is a fascinating woman from the South, and was the only Western woman permitted to study at the female Japanese zen monastery during her training. I’m extra fixated on the women that are zen priests, especially when they shave their heads. The sheer lack of vanity amazes me. I mean I was annoyed that Garrison, the retreat monastery, served too many carbs (fear not; I brought my GG crackers and three protein bars). I chose my five minute dokusan meeting with Tenku since I may never see her again but was meant to meet her this weekend. She was a last minute sub for Dai-en, my teachers’ teacher who I’ve been obsessed with since the summer silent retreat. I was so disappointed Dai-en couldn’t make it but I was really excited to meet Tenku, who has been a lighthouse of wisdom and relatability. I’ve enjoyed her leadership and dharma talks immensely. She was called to come here literally two days ago and apparently this was the only weekend she’s had free for months so it felt clear to everyone this was meant to be.

Tenku taught that peacocks eat poison. They are the only animals capable of doing so. They turn it into nourishment and are able to break it down. Huh. She called us peacocks today which was so sweet and heartwarming. Adult students have the same need as child students; to be believed in and seen by our teachers. When we know they believe in us it immediately helps us rise to the task. As Koshin said, none of us need any help in the poison department. We are all experts in being and acting angry, greedy, and delusional. Delusion meaning the notion that we are separate from other humans. That separateness is powerfully poisonous too. As I’m learning more and more, separation is the root of most of the world’s pain, both on a global and individual scale. Wars of separation in the home, in relationships, in friendships, within ourselves, and on a global level are lethally painful. They cause physical, emotional, and spiritual death. They are poison because they kill, whether it’s killing in the physical sense or the emotional.

However, poisons often have antidotes. The same things that can destroy, when looked at and handled skillfully, can be flipped into taking on a medicinal quality. What once destroyed so easily can now be used to heal. This is the heart of zen practice, how to work with our natural humanity to heal instead of add to the pain and suffering of the world. This is the reason why we learn this over and over so that we can assist at the bedside of our clinical sites during our yearlong course. Instead of shaming ourselves or turning away from these universal poisons, the work is to see them and get curious about how they take up space in our bodies, minds, and hearts. What poisons us will poison those we encounter. What heals us will heal those we encounter. It’s just a flip though it’s not easy. Chodo, in speaking about anger, described a hideous demon that travels the world in search of anger. It loves to incite all kinds of anger since that’s its food and energy. The demon loves when families fight, when wars break our, etc. Anger is such a gushing force that can consume us in two seconds. In a way it’s like a drug in that it can feel perversely soothing. When rage feels justified we can become totally unhinged and the demon is thrilled. Then one day, as the tale went, the demon walked into a castle and found the King’s throne. The throne room was empty so he sat down, waiting with glee for the king to enter the room and become furious. The demon wanted the fury and set the stage for rage. The king entered, saw the demon, calmly walked over to him, and offered him wine. In his shock the demon disappeared. The king essentially killed him with kindness. He didn’t get the angry energy he needed to survive so he evaporated. This teaches that the antidote to anger is compassion and patience. One Sangha member shared a story about how she became enraged at her parents over a 45 year old issue. She exploded. As she was screaming at her father, he looked at her and said, “come closer”. This welcoming of her pain diffused it. Whether or not her father agreed or understood never came up because it was irrelevant. He witnessed another person’s suffering and created space for her to express, which diluted the poison. I told her at lunch how amazed I was at her father’s enlightened parenting move, to which she told me he was a practicing zen Buddhist for many years. When we are able to share instead of shun, true connection occurs.
Greed is poisonous in that it too causes terrible separation. It’s the Me disease. We furiously collect and grab as hungry ghosts to fill old unmet needs. Greed can be anything from grabbing the last piece of cake to launching constant bids for attention via texting or instagram likes. It’s greedy to need a situation to go according to our definitions, wants, and assumptions. Greed isn’t just about taking tangible things; it’s very much intangible too. Needing to be right is greedy. Needing to be always noticed is greedy. Competing over who suffers more is greedy. The antidote to greed is generosity. It’s obvious to think of generosity as us giving to another. But in the case of let’s say making bids for attention via extraneous texting, perhaps that generosity needs to be turned inward. As in, when we admit our hungry ghost is seeking external validation then we need to be very kind and sweet to ourselves in that moment. Soothing our inner child who didn’t get enough attention is the antidote to the adult needing it from an outside source. In regard to the person who seems to have the monopoly on suffering, well congratulations!!! Your life sucks way worse than literally anyone else’s. The generosity comes to combat the greed in this instance by simply turning towards, and acknowledging, the pain of another. You can keep your pain as long as you can let someone else have their equally shitty experience. We all have our stuff and we all want to be seen. Attention whores are just as greedy as the person grabbing the last cookie. I love this work because it gives me so much to think about in a structured, guided manner. It helps me understand my own process and reactivity and provides me with tools to learn myself and develop new habits. New habits lead to a new life.

The last poison we discussed was delusion/ignorance, chiefly in regard to the delusion that we are separate from one another. For example, when I visit patients at the bedside it would be patronizing and unsupportive to see myself as “the savior” and the resident as “the downtrodden”. I too will one day grow old. That’s a fact. The sick part is not a given but without a doubt my young, healthy body will go through many changes beyond my control. I don’t like thinking about this but I’d be a fool not to make friends with this inevitability. When we look at ourselves in a self righteous manner as the one helping and saving, we immediately put ourselves in separation. Instant divisive roles. How can my presence be comforting when those roles are handed out (by me) right away? Separation is everywhere. Between spouses who are fighting, children and parents in conflict, teachers and their students, the waitress who screwed up your order, the guy who cut you off in traffic. The list goes on, and each person on that list loves, suffers, eats, shits, and breathes. We all carry woes and we all want to be valued. Our personalities vary greatly but our souls and essence are the same. Recognizing this and internalizing it on the deepest level combats this type of ignorance. Unification with all living things, plants and animals included, is the antidote to separation.

The opportunities to practice are constant. From the minute we are born our souls are launched into a confusing, terrifying, frustrating world of form. We needed so little in utero and then our needs and wants are abound. Physical and emotional survival skills are thrust upon us before we have any comprehension of why we even need them. I find comfort in knowing that all that arises can and will also fall. Even the largest anger balloon will pop at some point. Chodo, in his final dharma talk over the retreat, played a haunting Nina Simone song about how all things change. Hearing her voice in an old stone cathedral was beautiful and impactful. Just as our bodies and moods change, so can our habits and approaches to life. Our automatic reactivity can be tamed and altered. Our emotions, sensations, and urges can be quelled and rerouted. We don’t suck and we aren’t stuck. The breath is a constant reminder that it’s possible to take in new and emit freshness. What we send out directly affects those in our lives. What a responsibility. What a relief. What a gift.

They Lived Happily Ever After. Eh

I recently finished a fantastic book, “Fleishman is in Trouble” by Taffy Brodesser-Akner. It was recommended to me by my friend Amy, and I’ve shared the love with other like minded readers. This is the first work of fiction I’ve truly enjoyed in quite some time. I have been reading a lot of spiritual books that I love, but few things relax me and rightly engulf me like quality fiction. I need to remember that I’m just happier and less prone to agitation while engrossed in a solid read. It helps keep me balanced and at peace with being still. I’m not a science fiction or mystery gal. Not really historical fiction much either. I love in depth psychological journeys peppered with heavy doses of sarcasm, wit, self deprecation, and brutal honesty about regular people. Social satire is my fave. I love recognizing my own stuff in stories, the stuff people don’t always talk about freely, often because they don’t know how.

This novel is about a middle aged couple getting divorced in New York City. Oh, and they’re Jewish. All the references about the main character’s year abroad in Israel during college delighted me to no end since I remember mine like it was yesterday. The book gets into post divorce dating, an arena that is multi layered. Navigating that realm is like constantly crashing into a series of fun house mirrors. Distorted images of both yourself as well as those you meet and date are par for the course. Very little is as it seems because it takes a very long time, possibly never, to regain any semblance of clarity about yourself. And we only see outwardly as clearly as we see inwardly. Divorce is blinding. Recovery is a process, no matter how well your divorce went. The entire world is literally new. This humorous, very clever book helps those of us in the throes of divorce take our own lives less seriously. We aren’t the first to deal nor will we be the last. It’s good to laugh at ourselves and identify with the hilarious commonalities that come with this next act. We could all benefit from loosening our rigid views of ourselves. It’s all changing anyway.

Potential spoiler alert: the book ends in a way that leaves it to the reader’s imagination as to whether or not the broken couple reunites. I did not want them to get back together, despite the kids, history, and the initial seeds of love that brought them together back in the day. I’m a very romantic thinker and feeler. I’d never describe myself as a cynic. But these were two people who really came to despise each other over time. They each had their reasons which resulted in an unhappy, unhealthy couple who were simply unkind to one another. Their relationship lacked respect, tenderness, and true partnership (like most marriages I’ve personally seen). Not everyone belongs together even if they did at one point. It must be noted that I thought it insane when Sex and the City fans all over the world were dancing in the streets when Big and Carrie became official. I didn’t find that to be a romantic love story at all. I thought it was crazy. HE LEFT HER AT THE ALTER. WITH A BIRD ON HER HEAD. IN THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY. It was humiliating, as she railed at him. Carrie also cried, “I knew you would do this!”; how can anyone have thought this was the greatest love story of modern times?? He treated her like shit for years and she knew it. She expected it. None of this sounded like love to me. Would you let your daughter marry a guy she KNEW would leave her??
I have become protective over the enterprise of divorce. It’s very often the healthy, correct move. On both the individual and familial levels. It just very often comes to be that a couple can’t thrive while tethered to each other anymore. Many people are not meant to live every day together. Life is sooooo subject to change. It must and it will. The only certainty in life is change. If a husband and wife can ride out those changes together it’s amazing and beautiful. But if those changes lead to an underlying corrosion of their infrastructure over time, then the rust will take over the mechanism. Things won’t work smoothly, and then quite possibly not at all. A husband and wife who toss contempt back and forth over the children aren’t doing anyone any favors, especially said children. Marriages, as depicted here, can turn into hateful war zones. Passive aggressive warfare is just as damaging. When toxicity is unleashed and both people drain themselves with strategies on how to exist in an unhappy role, it’s probably best in many cases to set each other free. Freedom being the operative word. No one should live unhappily in an environment in which they aren’t respected and cherished, real or fictional.

This book was excellent. I really recommend it. And this particular reader is sticking to her ending of the story in which the main characters went on to flail, heal in messy fits and starts, and find the happiness they each deserved.

Morning Would

Every morning he would send me a photograph of the sunrise, taken during his daily run. I’d come back from yoga full of anticipation, knowing what was waiting for me. I had reservations about getting too attached to that ritual but cut myself some slack; enjoying nature with someone is sweet and lovely (though I told myself before picking up my phone, don’t get freaked out if the picture is not there). I loved his consistency with it. I could tell he enjoyed giving me the imagery just as much as he received my reactions. Each sunrise is different and so my descriptions were as well. I gave them thought. I wanted to be as concise as possible with the words I chose, allowing the sun to speak for itself ( and to seem clever). Nature doesn’t need our help to send it’s message. Sometimes the sun was beaming, taking center stage in the sky. Other times it wasn’t ready to come out, and others it had decided to remain unavailable at that hour of day. The sun’s presence is dependable. What is chooses to give to us is in constant flux. The photos took on a metaphorical quality in regards to his and my connection. Often times it was hidden with rays of light poking out through the trees on the golf course he’d run by. It’s not ready yet, I’d write. We both knew what that meant. I said he should make a coffee table book out of these beautifully and sensitively captured pictures. It’s been done before but so what? Almost everything has been done before and yet we keep doing it again anyway. We joked about titles. I suggested “Morning Would”, a play on morning wood with inquisitive undertones; what would your mornings look like if you chose to design them according to your soul’s greatest wishes? How would the sun appear to you in your new world? I never asked these questions out loud. The words were there and didn’t need verbalizing; they took up residence in the air.

There were colors to play with; orange, pink, gray, blue, gold. The sun has moods too. He knows what he wants to wear. He makes choices. Different light and cloud patterns invited the possibility for new thought and action patterns, desired but not ready to be taken. One day it was completely hidden. My description was “it’s waiting”. He texted back, “how long am I going to have to wait?” I haven’t decided if I have been the sole recipient of such photos from him, or if it’s a move. I think they’re just for me, an error in judgment I often have, but this time I do think so. When the sun shines on us, filling us with warmth, don’t we feel as if it came to find us? That’s it’s power; to shine over the entire planet yet have such incredible individual effect. Like how that song on the radio was somehow written for you, even though you’ve never met the lyricist.
Taking the message from the images of when the sun would rest behind a thick wall of gray clouds, I made the painful choice to not communicate with him right now. I knew I wasn’t going to get my beloved sunrise photo today. I had prepped myself for it both last night and during yoga, but part of me still had a glimmer of hope it would be there. It wasn’t and I was ok. I still got up and did my thing, with far more resilience than in previously similar times. How fitting that today the sky is dark gray. As I was driving by a stretch of patchy sky, I thought, the sun is still here whether or not he sends me a photo. It’s still here and I can still see it. So much of life is unpredictable. Nature reminds us that change and stability are always in a dance. What would my mornings look like if I could choose? I’d choose to work with whatever is revealed to me that day, allowing for and loving the messages we are always being sent. To stay steady amongst all the fluctuations of life. To never lose faith that the sun has not abandoned me.

Yom Kippur 2019

A couple weeks ago my son had a Hebrew vocabulary test on root words. One of the words was “kapar”, cleanse. I was thinking of tricks to help him remember the definitions. For this one I told him to think of Yom Kippur, since that’s a day of cleansing. I’ve associated Yom Kippur with more of a purification concept and this added meaning stayed in my mind when the holiday rolled around. Cleansing and purifying are spiritual fraternal twins in their similar purpose. One is required to usher in the second. First you must wipe away the grime before dipping the item in gold. Neither word felt particularly fitting to me as I pondered the services this year.
I actually enjoyed our synagogue’s services this year. We had a great cantor who used a wide range of Yiddish, Hebrew, and contemporary tunes. Backed by a choir, he threw his entire person into his job. His dedication and enthusiasm was palpable. I always find comfort in having the same seat every year next to my best friends. I made a beautiful pre fast meal for my whole family and it felt so nice being together as we were about to embark on this highest of holidays. One of my required reading books for my zen training is The Energy of Prayer by Tich Naht Hahn. I took that to synagogue with me and mostly read that. It’s a small book that taught me a lot. I’ve been praying since I was able to speak, but not at all in the way described in this book, which focuses on the energy and intention of our innate goodness and how it can be harnessed during prayer. Bringing the book was a good way to keep me centered on the task at hand; connection to God. I did say some of the traditional prayers and as always I read the English. I used to read it out of boredom. This time I read it because if I’m going to pray I want to do it wisely and selectively. What I read kind of bummed me out. In one of the prayers literally every other word was “judgement”. Every other word. I felt suffocated just reading it. In our current vernacular being “non judgmental” is having a moment. To judge is to commit a social crime. If a man judges he’s a jerk, a woman a bitch (especially a woman!). To judge implies you are a patronizing, close minded, holier than thou offensive person. Judgement is uncomfortable for all involved. It immediately causes tremendous separation in that it creates the roles of the judge and the judged. You need both these characters to fit this narrative. In short, it’s a divide. Judgement creates a gap that’s filled with shame, frustration, and self loathing. It always carries the inherent message of unquestionable wrong doing. It is almost impossible to feel close to someone who is judging you and overcome that divide. Imagine if we called our kids into the living room once a year and read them a long list of all the ways they’ve completely screwed up. If we sat in judgement of every single move and transgression made over the past 12 months. And that we might forgive them if they did certain things. I say “might” because the ultimate punishment of death is being held over our guilty, hungry heads and people die every year, sometimes actually on Yom Kippur. So essentially this formula of atonement is by no means a guarantee. And if it’s not a guarantee then what’s the point of putting such grave importance on this one day? I love the holidays and have no issue with a fast day. Sure, it’s super unpleasant and in my opinion all it accomplishes is everyone complaining about how hungry they are. I know zero people who view fasting as cleansing. I’m sure they exist but I personally haven’t met them. It’s pretty funny that throughout all the Jewish holidays everyone is either whining about the excess of food or the lack thereof. Food just can’t win with us.
Back to the prayer book, which seems to be filled with detailed lists of how we all suck as humans and as Jews. In it God is painted as the most unforgiving and frightening version of Judge Judy. In one prayer it said how Hashem remembers every single thing each of us has ever done. Every sin both in thought, word, and deed. I don’t know, Man, but when I was reading this I felt like why bother? Let’s be real; most of what we are atoning for we are going to do all over again. Take sins regarding food. Let’s assume the rabbis were referring to eating non kosher. Non kosher has numerous meanings. There are so many different laws, customs, and interpretations on what’s kosher that it’s dizzying. How could we really know who disobeyed these laws when most of the customs stemmed from different towns in Eastern Europe? It was all just human interpretation. It’s impossible to decide what God meant by that yet we are assuming we screwed it up. The list of our failings is really depressing. Reading it I felt like I didn’t do anything right in the eyes of rabbinic law, despite my knowing I’m a good person who tries so hard to live right.
In Buddhist psychology and meditation practice we learn to not attach to our thoughts. To discern between what are skillful thoughts vs unskillful. Will this thought help me or hurt me? Is this thought true or not? Usually they’re not. The point being to not attach to our thoughts since they are passing mental phenomena. Let them float by like clouds. Clouds are neither wrong nor right, they just are what they are. Judging our thoughts as wrong or bad causes mental anguish. But here we are on Yom Kippur praying how we have sinned in thought. That is the opposite of striving towards mental non attachment. It’s giving heavy weight to all the shitty, destructive thoughts we had. We can’t outrun them because God knows what we were thinking. We must strike our chests and starve ourselves to make up for normal human thought patterns. Honestly, we don’t need punishment; we need help and understanding. Instead of that alienating living room scene in which we tell our children what disappointments they are, we all know it would be kinder and more strategic to help them improve with calm guidance. When any authority figure shows us love we are naturally driven to do better. We rise to the occasion when given the benefit of the doubt. We plummet and shame spiral when we are dissected. I wasn’t angry reading the Hebrew prayers, but I felt sad and frustrated that the message on this most important Day of Cleansing is designed to make us feel so dirty.
Setting aside a day to focus on our spiritual connection is beautiful in theory. Having our parole officer and the grim reaper waiting to pounce isn’t. Are we lying to both ourselves and God just to get the bagel? Are we really planning on inner self improvement or an external law that’s open to interpretation(or neither)? Are we doing any of this so we don’t get struck by lightning or so that we can make money? Well, if we are then we are doomed anyway since God has been keeping a tally of our thoughts. As always I maintain God wants his children to be close to him. He didn’t make us just so he could criticize us. He wouldn’t tell us to cleanse since if he made us in his image as it says in the Torah, then within each of us lies this sparkling gem that needs no polishing. I don’t believe he delights in reminding us how impure we are. We are human and we lose our way. Over and over and over. One day of self loathing won’t change that but a lifetime of self loving can prove to be incredibly powerful. Maybe what needs cleansing is our entire approach to this potentially connective day.

Clarity is a Skill

I read this last week and it blew my mind. When four little words strung together make such an impact that’s a powerful thing. I can be both proud of my utter clarity at times and blown away by my lack there of during others. Someone can confide in me and I can assess the situation accurately from afar, and then I’ll be practically staring at another set of facts and miss the mark entirely. I recently was faced with a situation that most people with half a brain would have fled from. Um, so I can’t find my shoes but am just going to bolt now anyway...; that kind of fleeing. Of course we all know it’s easier to have clarity when we aren’t personally involved or entrenched. When we are in the middle of a scenario we will always unconsciously bring our deeply ingrained stories into the mix. We make up false realities based on old unmet needs, and assumptions based on transference and projections. It’s a mess that creates a fog that we can’t see through. When I do eventually wake up, and this can take months or years, and I’m standing on the other side of the wall, it’s astounding to me what I did not see. Whether we aren’t actually seeing it or are refusing to see it are also things that we need to get curious about. But I take great comfort in learning that clarity is a skill that we can work to develop. It’s never hopeless; you’re not a blind dummy and neither am I. We aren’t stupid or delusional. We just haven’t learned how to hone this skill. Btw, I often struggle with which pronouns to use: I or We. I don’t ever mean to assume you have the same crap that I do, though it’s part of the human condition so chances are you do. I usually pick the royal “we” to avoid making this The Jessica Show, not in order to drag you into anything. As a reader I like the “we” since I find the collective to be a comfort. We are all in this together and can all help each other. I like knowing I’m being helped. See? Even my seemingly simple pronoun choices are loaded with personal narratives. It feels unavoidable since our unconscious unawareness is so deeply embedded. Our habits of missing truth stems from so many things, but they are all things we have the power to bring to the surface and examine. As we examine them we begin to gain a clarity that is empowering. It feels very good to engage wisely in situations. As I’m writing this I’m faced with a situation. I know exactly what my unconscious patterning wants to do and I know exactly what my truth is telling me. I know the right move and the wrong move. I know what my ego is saying vs what my spirit guides are saying. You should know I’m talking about whether or not to text someone. That’s how intense these battles for clarity can be, over the most minor things. I am clear this man and I don’t have a future. Last week I was not. There was literally a huge neon billboard on the West Side Highway with the words “kosher, sustainable, and available” that must have been written about me (not the new free range chicken being sold at Fairway). I told him that this sign was a sign, so part of me was clear while other more powerful forces shut that clarity down. When we aren’t seeing life clearly we are in this myopic trance based on need and lack. We spin reality in numerous directions based on how we need it to be, not how it just is. That’s why when the spiritual teachers talk about resting in the Is-ness it’s not easy. We don’t want what is, we want it to be different. They don’t say it’s easy; they have come to know this because they are human too. It’s not easy so we run from it. But then we wind up back at square one which never feels good long term, often not in the short term either. Clarity is so necessary to be fully alive. There’s no way around that. I found it tremendously comforting to know I can practice getting clearer on clarity. If two people can see the same thing so differently, then obviously our views are subjective. We make ourselves the subject to a staggering degree even when it has nothing to do with us. Clarity has very little to do with actual vision. It’s not eye based. All our sense abilities should be done with our whole bodies. Seeing with our entire being, with your heart and your gut, is what helps lift the fog. Questions are an essential part of this practice. What am I not seeing but know is real? Why am I not seeing this clearly? How am I robbing myself of clarity at this moment? Why does my patterning need to turn a blind eye? How am I killing this experience by refusing to bring clarity? These are all similar inquiries that are all intended to start to chisel away at our hysterical blindness. It’s crucial to not berate ourselves for any of this. That too isn’t seeing clearly; that it’s not your fault and it’s human nature. To examine and notice without judgement is a life altering practice. Ok, this is here. Whatever it is that arose so will also fall away. Both clarity and it’s opposite are also states of impermanence. We are never stuck but only if we commit to learning how to gain new insight. The truth is clear, it’s we who are not. But we can get there with dedication and patience. Honoring the space between observation and reactivity is necessary, giving ourselves time to pause and adjust our glasses. Medically I have 20/20 vision. Spiritually we all do. Mentally and emotionally most of us are blind. But it’s clear that to begin to change is just to make a choice, and to make it over and over again. The best part is is that unlike most learned skills like knitting or judo, this one is already within. It’s not an outside job. You may need a teacher, I have many, but the ability to see clearly was gifted to you at birth. Polish it well and see your reflection. Truth is always there, waiting to be seen.