Abundantly Clear

I recently made a fierce commitment to myself; to only go towards abundance. To move out of any thought, feeling, pattern, or situation rooted in lack. Despite all the growth and progress I’ve made, I was still letting myself stay stuck in certain lacking unconscious habits. They were harder for me to identify since they were just that; unconscious. Half a lifetime of embedded patterning filled with holes, pieced together by threadbare survival tactics. At this juncture I’m grateful to have the clarity that I don’t need to survive. I only need to thrive. And so what I once clung to out of deep rooted unworthiness (soooo deep, in the sense that layers had to be jackhammered to discover it) is useless to this current version of myself.

My old trainer who I didn’t think I could live without; I haven’t seen him in two years and I look better than ever.

Shopping in certain stores; nah, without the overpriced nonsense my taste has become much more organically interesting and way more me.

Blocking certain contacts on my phone; I don’t need that wall anymore since I can just let unwanted communication spill off me. I am clearer, I am stronger, and I am more aware of my inner teacher. And she is telling me with loving firmness to cut the shit. As always she is right.

While the ego has so much to gain by keeping us small, the inner teacher is all love and guiding wisdom. She is a selfless voice that steers me towards the abundance that is already mine. I just have to claim it. Lack doesn’t mean you think you’re the worst. It shows up as regular insecurities, self defeat, dishonesty with oneself, too much self deprecation, deciding you can’t pursue a dream for really no reason at all, being overly concerned with public perception, choosing a partner that you know isn’t right for you, and repeating unhealthy patterning with both yourself and others. You can think you’re great but still behave from lack 🏼‍♀️. NO MAS. It is almost 2020 and I know exactly what must be left behind in order to welcome in flowing abundance, emotionally, romantically, and financially. Spiritually and creatively I’m good at feeding myself. I have so much further to go in both areas but after years of being starved to death in those departments, I have given myself creative and spiritual nourishment.

Today in yoga my teacher said “never be complacent”. I’m not. A trusted friend and therapist recently told me I’m like Curious George on speed. This was amusing to me and I reacted neutrally to the comparison. I know that one of the tenets of a richly fulfilling life is to be a forever student. Not in the gathering knowledge and data sense, though that does help to a point, but in the sense that our hearts must be open to the wisdom of the aforementioned inner teacher. The one that lives within you and knows you best because it’s the most important part of you. These lessons are given privately in a class of one. How lucky are we to be born with our very own personalized curriculum by someone who knows our heart’s deepest desires before the rest of us does?

The default neurotic reactivity and emotional anarchy that overtakes me in seconds, that’s the toughest stuff to wrestle with. Now I find myself saying over and over, “nope, that’s the lack going off the rails. Go towards the abundant choice”. It’s a leash yanking me back from my former bullshit. The habits that have long overstayed their welcome. I am meant for great things. The fullest life possible. So are you. No one made you for mediocrity. But at the end of the day we attract what we vibrationally draw in. We find what we seek, knowingly or unknowingly. Lack vibrations pull in lack situations, just as abundant energy leads us towards abundance. Overflowing, juicy, delicious, dripping abundance. One the one hand our journeys require patience and time. On the other hand we can’t waste any more time trying to figure this all out. We can’t and we shouldn’t, and I’ve concluded we don’t have to. The answers don’t lie in articles, links, and podcasts. Those just point us in the direction of what we already know. When an outside idea resonates it’s because it’s matching inner knowledge. We feel some kind of alignment. The inner teacher is like “yeah, duh, I could have told you that”. I have been told my whole life that I make my own rules. I don’t always listen. I can blindly plough forward on my own program when I get that fiery urge. Some of my best work and decisions have been born of those third chakra impulses (that’s where we house ). But impulse must be watched. It often goes rogue and it often stems from old lack conditioning. As I think back to where I was exactly a year ago marked by certain events, it’s abundantly clear to me in which directions I need to keep flowing towards. Which thoughts and motivations are skillfully matching up to this abundant state I want so much. Sorting, always sorting. Making piles. Discerning, noticing, admitting, choosing. The dharma 8 fold path includes right thought, right action, and right intention. With increased clarity comes increased listening to you know who. I’m so ready to listen and surrender. It’s actually a relief to not have to work so hard and force anything. We force out of lack and cling out of weakness. I feel fuller than ever before and will only seek circumstances, humans, love interests, and opportunities that will match that. Bursting at the moment... not sorry at all... 2020, I’m coming for you.