Trick or Treat

So here’s something I read recently that was pretty eye opening. Many of us have been in situations that for whatever the reason we don’t see plain reality. We are blind to how certain people treat us. The mind, in order to protect the rest of us, tricks us into not seeing the truth of how we are being treated. The mind will justify, over explain, rationalize, and deny in order to avoid a truth we aren’t ready to receive. This is sad but normal. Many of us can relate, be it with a friend/partner/child/colleague/parent etc.

What I read that hit home was this:

In the event where we may not be clearly seeing the reality of how someone treats us, employ the trick of watching how they treat others. When we aren’t ready to admit that we are being mishandled, it feels safer to act as the observer. This gives us more facts and time to put together a mental dossier on our own dynamics with this other person. It also softens the blow by making it not personal. By observing the other person’s pattern it becomes clearer that our poor treatment has nothing to do with us at all. For example, if a person has a history of not being faithful to their partners but claim it’d be different with you, while it’s tempting to believe you’re the one to finally straighten him out, chances are you’ll be looped in to his treatment of other women. When getting to know someone just listen closely. Listen and observe. Are they always the victim? Do they constantly make excuses? Is it always the shortcomings of the women that caused his less than stellar behavior? Is he choosing a certain type of woman and why? We can gather data without judging and criticizing. Sure we may slip into that habit too, but we most definitely have a right to determine what will or won’t work for us in any interpersonal dynamic. It’s so hard to admit that we’re not different or special. This is a good thing. It speaks to the part of us that believes we are indeed those things. However we can’t control how someone else will receive or treat us. We can only watch the movie and decide whether or not to stay or leave. Believing patterns and not apologies is a harsh necessity. Not falling in love with potential is another. The soul’s essence is to believe the best, but the human piece unfortunately reveals what life might be like with this other, based on well documented patterning. Often the sea of red flags are wildly flapping in the wind, but we see what we want to see when we want to see it. Watching how people treat others is a very helpful tool. Is integrity and honesty involved? Kindness, sensitivity, trust? Is love present or just lust and loneliness? If it’s lacking in so many areas of the other’s life, please don’t assume it will be different with you. The notion of not falling in love with potential took me years to absorb. I felt magnanimous in believing in the best in others. If only they could see what I see. I had this with a close girlfriend once too. Everybody else thought she was a selfish bitch but she made me feel special, which tricked me into thinking our bond was unique. It ultimately disintegrated after many tumultuous years. It was my only unhealthy female friendship. My other friends tried to open my eyes but I wouldn’t see it. Empaths like myself quickly fall into the trap of being too understanding, too kind, too sympathetic. In short, we can become doormats and dumping grounds. It took me a long time to learn the difference between a healthy and unhealthy empath. Thank you, The Holistic Psychologist. Trauma brain causes us to think and behave in ways that lead to tremendous self betrayal, all under the guise of empathy. This is all another language that we don’t know until we learn it. Our own patterns of ignoring reality can be maddening for those in our lives who truly love us and want the best for us. I have friends who have told me the same things over and over. Only when I was ready to listen did the truth become laughably clear. Like duh. But I needed to observe first in order to come to terms with reality. And that alone is a tip off; if we think it necessary to observe in the first place then there’s stuff we don’t trust out the gate.

 It’s ok to be somewhat blind to our own treatment. That’s a well placed protective defense mechanism. But we need to be smart before opening our lives and hearts to anyone else. If you can’t admit reality yet then just sit back and watch. You can change the channel when you’re over the storyline. Treat yourself to not being tricked, by anyone, including you.