Observation Deck

I’m flipping things here, cool? While this section on the blog is mostly about me going inward, it’s time I look outward a bit. True, the job is to keep our drishti on ourselves. But we don’t live in isolation. It’s essential that I have a better handle on my surroundings as I learn myself more. My increasing steadiness has allowed me to become more calmly observant of the dating scene. It is a hugely challenging part of life, especially in this particular arena, to practice not taking things personally. What I’ve been seeing more and more is that it’s not personal because most people have terrible relationships with themselves. Any way in which they let themselves down will likely leak onto you. If what they’re giving to themselves is so lacking in self love and self care, then... As I keep exploring ways in which I can be better to myself, it’s becoming easier to spot how the opposite reveals itself, be it in regard to myself or others.

Let’s start with addiction, one of the most obvious ways in which a person lets themselves down. This can be anything from substance abuse to sex to unavailable partners to blame. Even to obsessive exercise and dieting. It is always a form of self punishment, as well as an unconscious urge to get the hell out of the present. You don’t need me to point out that cheating in a relationship, be it marriage or otherwise, is not only greed but an escapist tactic. If you are happy with your person you just don’t act out elsewhere. It’s not just mistreating your partner; it’s mistreating yourself. It is self sabotage. It’s actively depriving yourself of the opportunity to self examine, identify the root of these choices, hopefully heal that space, and go onto the completely satisfying partnership you deserve. It’s cruel to both of you to not put in that effort. It sends a glaring message to yourself that you should stay stuck in a half assed relationship. Any time we rob ourselves of the present moment, that is an act of self torture (I’m obviously not touching one needing to mentally disassociate from current trauma). Thinking about the last fix and how to grab the next one, whatever poison that may be, is painful. It’s either wanting something that is no longer or wasting insane amounts of energy strategizing over how to ensure the next hit. I have done this in my own ways too, just not with the above mentioned vices. There are no good addictions, even seemingly kosher ones, since the very nature of it removes us from presence. So if I’m talking to a man who needs to be buzzed to go on a date, I’ve realized it’s not about me at all. That’s a fight going on inside him. He can’t really like himself very much if a joint or several drinks is needed as a barrier between him and experience. Blocking his own experience leads to mine being stopped too. How can I connect with someone who has half left the building? I want a man who wants to be fully present. If a dude chooses his relationship then is constantly on the prowl claiming some form of dissatisfaction, it has nothing to do with me. Unless of course I choose to engage in that scenario. We often can’t help getting caught in the crossfire of someone’s war with themselves. It happens. We meet people and it can take time to see their story with a clear head. But how quickly we realize and handle our own role in their play, indicates our relationship with ourselves too. I have let myself down plenty. In some very sad ways. I am only learning this now. I recently went on a date where the guy was speeding like a maniac on the highway. I said, “So you’re the asshole on the road everyone hates”. He seemed proud. This person has a long substance abuse problem which has supposedly been under control for years. The speeding was a clear indication, not just of a thread of recklessness, but that this man is not careful with himself. And so he was not careful with me either. For him to assume that he could drive 120 mph with a stranger in the car was extreme and irresponsible. He stopped when I protested, but it was eye opening. It felt alarming on several levels. It was dangerous and selfish to all involved, him included. A lack of regard for his own life immediately translated to a lack of regard for my safety as well. I turned him down after that.

I’m friends with this unhappily married couple. They are both addicted to cycling. They do it separately and don’t skip it because without that endorphin burst they’d implode. Always riding furiously away, only to resentfully return to the same sad place every day. They have both spoken to me separately. I asked him, don’t you feel you deserve a full, loving relationship that you don’t want to drive away from? His answer landed with a common thud; he has found enough “ways” to just exist amongst the gray resignation. It pained me to hear how easily he gave up on himself. It is depriving them both of true chances at happiness. Her misery is tangible. Anyone who gives a shriveled up fraction to themselves will give that to their partner too. I am not claiming that changing is easy or that it’s not disruptive. But it’s far less complicated than we make it out to be. We either fight to give ourselves what we deserve or we don’t. It’s not easy but it is simple.
Viewing the level of accountability others have with themselves has also been really educational. A refusal to be honest and humble on the most private of levels will always lead to outward blame. Screwing up is human. It’s inevitable. But when a dude regales me with tales about how it’s everyone else’s fault...one day it will be my fault too. The mind tries to rationalize and justify, but the heart feels safe enough to admit where its human puppet may have fallen short. The heart is accepting. It understands. So to me, a blockage with honesty and accountability is a blockage to the heart. And a man with a blocked heart can’t care for me in the way I need, want, and deserve. I know this because my own level of self care has grown and expanded, with a mix dedication and tons of missteps. The choices I made unconsciously were all a result of lousy, sad conditioning. It took me a long time to inject forgiveness into that space. We can’t forgive what we don’t radically admit. And the true mark of forgiveness is change, otherwise you’re not really that sorry to yourself.

Self love is never to be underestimated. It’s the opposite of selfish. Your relationship with yourself determines how you treat your partner. Learning how to handle ourselves lovingly and carefully is crucial for a healthy relationship. It’s been an interesting exercise to see how these men treat themselves, and to note the degree to which they need to be removed from their chosen reality. It’s so lame and easy for dudes to subsist on sex, drugs, and rock and roll (women too of course). I want the deepest connection that’s humanly possible. And that can’t be achieved with a man who is disconnected from himself in any capacity. If I were to take any of this personally, that too is a disconnect from the truth. It would be an emotionally immature, egocentric stance stemming from my own need to believe that it has to be my fault in some way. I didn’t say the right thing, I’m too Jewish for someone with no background, I talked too much. It’s very hard not to grow crazy with anger at those who drilled me with criticism throughout my life. They tortured me because of their own inner criticism and torture. Their own self hatred shaped me for decades, but I’m slowly learning not to take that personally either. Hurt people hurt people. It’s taken years for me to calm down and just observe. Breathe, observe, watch, and learn. No stories, no assumptions, just the facts that reveal themselves if I open my eyes and ears. Standing on the observation deck is one of the ways to find stillness in dating. And I can jump ship at any time if I sense the boat might sink. I ain’t going down with that . I love myself far too much.