All Numbers Derive from One

Hi, Friends. I was really impacted by both of these Instagram posts that I read the other day. One idea was a reinforcement from spiritual master Osho, and the other was actually quite a revelation. I love how cleanly and directly Osho lays that down for us, about necessary solitude prior to embarking on a relationship as a means of escape and avoidance of Self. It took me maybe two years post divorce to really believe that concept; part of me felt like I was saying that to myself to justify being single. I recall the open ended prospect of being single as scary. The not knowing when that chapter would ever end. The physical, mental, and emotional craving for a significant other, even an insignificant other, were so all consuming that I wanted to tear my hair out. The frustration was tremendous. However even throughout that hard time I always knew that I was being divinely guided. There was too much evidence in other areas of my life to ever lose faith that I was being led down the right avenues, even if I was being dragged kicking and screaming. I never had the “woe is me” attitude that so many single people immediately lapse into; self pity and complaining isn’t my thing. It’s also simply unproductive which doesn’t work for an Ayurvedic Pitta like myself who likes to plough forth. Fiery people don’t have time to bitch and moan. We’ve got stuff to burn through and alchemize. Over time the notion of being so secure in my Oneness really clicked. Space was required to meet that idea in a peaceful spot. “Yoga” means “yolk”; a binding together. It took time and many bumps along the way of meeting people whose frequencies didn’t work with mine to becomes yolked to what Osho means. It went from feeling like a justification to feeling like the absolute truth. So many people run blindly and desperately into the next relationship in order to avoid being alone at all costs. This is highly damaging to all involved for so many reasons. If I’m using a man as a means of avoidance or distraction, then he’s doing the same with me. It’s an unlikely scenario that one person’s unhealthy rebound is the other’s healthy bliss. We mirror our partners in more ways than we are willing to admit. I am so clear on who I am now, what I’m capable of, and how I want to carry myself in the world. This inner clarity has made me clear on the type of person that I want and need. I certainly don’t want a hot, avoidant mess and any man who has his shit together won’t want one either. Individual grounding is crucial to a healthy relationship. Your roots are your responsibility. Yes, the right partner helps you water and tend to them, but your solidity in yourself is your job. We have to be the person we want. Out of fairness but also to energetically draw in your match. So if I want a man who is grounded, secure, and at peace with himself, then I had to become that way too. And I have. That inner shift has been so juicy and liberating. The more time I’ve taken to learn myself, the more I have gelled with my soul. It’s not all pleasant. Getting to know, observe, and care for the shadow parts has been very tough work. But it’s impossible to be whole without that step. And if you’re not whole or at least trying to be, then you are offering your partner a bag of fragmented pieces that you most likely expect them to glue together. It’s actually really unfair and selfish. I don’t want to put someone back together. I’m not looking to date Humpty Dumpty, and not just because he’s bald and fat. I want whole so I had to become that first. I bless the time I’ve been given by Source to accomplish that. I’m being guided down a healthier path, one I resisted for a long time. Surrender feels nice.

Speaking of shadow parts, this quote by therapist Silvy Khoucasian in regard to dreams touched me big time. I am a very active dreamer, while both awake and asleep. Sometimes my dreams have been predictions that have come true, sometimes they’ve been visits from departed loved ones, and several times they have been about people I’ve had deep feelings for. I have always woken up from those dreams filled with painful longing for those people. Surely my dreams were pointing towards a part of me that still wanted to be with them. Our subconscious is always at work, so often what we dream about at night turns into daytime thoughts, then right back to nighttime thoughts. It’s a circuitous thought pattern that has us stuck in an old story that never reaches “Fin”. That unfinished movie can fool us into believing that our story with that person still has yet to be fleshed out. That maybe we are still meant for each other. At least that’s what I always believed until I read this post. Silvy’s Instagram account has been very helpful to me. It’s chock full of insights about both the individual as well as the couple. She very clearly outlines the various types of attachment styles, codependent behavior and where it stems from, and how to hold yourself while navigating throughout your personal reactivity. I encourage you to check out her page. Knowledge is power.

In doing so much shadow work and discerning between the dark and light places within me, it was so freeing to read this. I have indeed been identifying old versions of myself, picking them up, soothing them, and tucking them into bed forever. I know why they hurt and I also know those sources of pain no longer apply. But because our shadow parts have been deeply woven into our personalities since childhood, it is very difficult to pry them apart from who we truly are. Everywhere we walk shadows follow. They are interesting to look at on the sidewalk or on a wall because they are distortions of ourselves. They mix things up and show us different versions of what we thought we knew. We need the exaggerated scales of shadows to remind us of what we are in actuality. So too with emotional shadows. They are exaggerated distortions as well. They are there but they aren’t the truth. They need to be looked at, researched, and compassionately understood. Holding them gently is an act of self compassion for our past experiences. It is hard enough to see these shadows and even harder to let them go. They are so encoded. So perhaps when we dream about an ex or future partner, it’s a lit torch down the dark tunnel to where old selves lie like ghosts that still have a message. Persistent dreams of old yearnings can have nothing to do with the other person; they are just there to serve as a representation of what needs tending within you. This makes sense on many levels, mostly because true love isn’t this painful, unmet yearning. It’s quite the opposite. It’s easy, given freely in joy and abundance. It exists in real time and not in dreams. Relationships can be challenging AT TIMES (not all or most of the time!) but love is easy because it’s the most natural state. Dreams are important teachers, but maybe we misunderstand the lesson. I know I have. I haven’t dreamt about anyone else like that in awhile. But I will, and when that happens I’ll first look inward instead of automatically outward. All answers always lie within. Maybe we are puzzles that never get completed; there’s always a piece that fell under the table that we can’t locate. But it’d be crazy to not try to search for it after we’ve spent so much time and care creating the bigger picture.