1978

Ah, here it is; the annual Blaga birthday post. Unless you’re numerically challenged like me, you have figured out that I’m turning 42. My brother and I actually share a birthday. That’s always been one of my favorite random details about my own life. I am three years older than him, and us having been born on the same day is a unique fact. Unique is very good indeed.

My birthday always falls out on my kids’ winter break. This year we are in Panama. I feel a little spoiled that’s it’s become a given that these birthday posts are always being written from some exotic location. I’m a big fan of born day contemplation and introspection, and for me there’s no better place than nature to do that in. I am committed to traveling as much as possible with my children. I want to expose them to as many new locations as I can. They’re still a bit young for some of the trips I really want to take with them, so for now we mostly choose warm weather, beachy destinations. We seem to jive with a mix of sun, sand, water, activities and downtime. This year we are traveling with our best friends and it’s been terrific. Laughter and good times abound as it always is when I’m with this certain group.

I recall exactly where I was last birthday, in regard to my head and heart space. I know what my mind was enslaved to, what thoughts were on replay as we drove from one part of Costa Rica to another. I remember what had me so on edge and battling the anguish that I’d gotten used to. I don’t think I knew how to live without it at the time. I observe the movie of my life in fascination at what has transpired from 41 to today. I can barely recognize parts of myself and my life story at that time, and boy does that feel good. To be free of so much of my own bullshit and unconscious decision making tendencies. It takes a looooong time to get out of our own way, possibly never, unless we finally just wake up and say enough. I have done a lot of work this past year. I have gone on a few deeply cleansing silent retreats, joined a zen Buddhist group in which we focus on serious shadow work (we can’t serve others until we learn how to navigate and understand ourselves), worked my ass off creatively, stayed home most nights with my growing pile of spiritual texts, battled loneliness, impatience, and frustration, became a much stronger DJ, had creative business opportunities I’d never imagined would be a part of my reality, explored past lives with my energy healer, and traveled a lot. Through it all I have continued opening to trusting uncertainty, sloughing off outdated storylines and narratives, and have become increasingly comfortable with being single. When I first got divorced three years ago I gave myself a time limit of two years max until I at least had a boyfriend. I didn’t want to “sit on a shelf”. Um... sad statement anyone?? We don’t know what’s best for us but Source does. There is always a plan that we need to have faith in. The stronger my faith has become, the more satisfying the results prove to be. Relaxing into the unknown with an open heart, uncluttered mind, and a willing spirit is what allows us to meet up with the good stuff that’s waiting for us to claim it. God knew I was way more of a mess than I realized and knew that I needed serious time to learn myself and heal. Clean house.   Honestly, a boyfriend wouldn’t really have allowed for all my growth. Being part of a couple can be very distracting. Instead of looking inward we look outward. At them, at plans, at arguments, at making up, at pretending things are ok when we know they may not be, at being part of a unit instead of sinking into our own oneness. We attract what we are at any given time, so anyone I’d have brought into my life a year ago wouldn’t be the right person for who I am now. And I like who I am much better at 42. I’m so much less reactive, so much more emotionally independent, so much more curious, so much less fearful than ever before, so much more aware, so much more courageous, so much more present and spacious. I get asked all the time how I fit so much in. You know what? I just make room. It’s not that hard since the more expansive I’ve become by clearing out shit, the more room I naturally have for other things. I get overwhelmed at times but I have been able to incorporate what is ready for me. There’s more coming.

One of the things I’m proudest of as I take this next lap around the sun is my increased level of restraint. I had TONS of bullshit I had to finally just say no to. Dumb, useless, impulsive habits, unskillful thinking, codependency, fear based attachments, lowering my standards, chasing emotional chaos, believing love bombers, not respecting myself enough, overlooking reality in favor of idealized potential in others, not seeing the plain facts in front of me in order to will a different outcome, living in time zones other than the present. Just to name a few. At a certain point I had just had enough. One day you just decide. After years of ignoring things my friends pointed out because “it was complicated” or “they didn’t understand”, it was just getting stupid. I was wasting my own time and energy. These realizations can’t be rushed. We need to work through sludge to want to take a good, hot shower. But it was clear that I had to exercise self control in regard to many patterns, no matter how uncomfortable it was. My ego was raging at losing its predictions. The ego mind always fights hardest when it feels it’s losing its power. Simply put, we have to decide to do what’s good for us even if we don’t like it. Not liking it now will lead to loving something that’s better. Saying no actually feels good, after we get past the tweaking for the emotional drugs. Each time we do right by ourselves the soul smiles. Every wise and responsible choice makes us stronger. My yoga teacher said recently, “just when you think you can’t stand this position any longer, THAT is when the asana begins”. Just as we are ready to throw in the towel and quit, that’s the very moment we are being invited by Source to push through. We do not have to like it or be comfortable. Complacency breeds stagnation. So for me, having been all la di da with a boyfriend, I’d never have gotten to this point.

One of my favorite Led Zeppelin songs is Gallows Pole. One of the reasons for this is the mind blowing restraint that Robert Plant demonstrates with his vocals. There’s one point in the song where the crescendo is building then he unexpectedly pulls back. It gets me every time. And that slow build up is exactly what makes the song EXPLODE later on. You just have to be patient and then I promise, that burst of brilliance will hit you with euphoria. Restraint is important. Self control is a gift we give to ourselves.  Each time you say no you are really saying yes.   Denying ourselves junk food thinking is crucial. Giving up destructive cravings is the only way towards the life we know is right. Anything that even remotely lowers your vibration and pisses off your inner teacher is your higher self begging you to just stop. This process takes patience and kindness towards the shadow part of us that wants the fix. It’s ok to want, to hunger, to slip up, to hate the process. It’s not ok to be lazy about what it means to honor ourselves. How much time are we going to waste? Most of us are clearer on the answers than we are willing to admit. But we know.
  I am proud to be able to chart my growth each year. I am not some lonely chick sitting on a shelf who needs to outsource my worth; F that. I don’t want a junk food relationship just so I can have a boyfriend🤮. I feel less alone now than I ever have before because I am so much more in union with myself. Thank you, 41, you taught me so much during those twelve months. 42, let’s do this....