Yom Kippur 2019

A couple weeks ago my son had a Hebrew vocabulary test on root words. One of the words was “kapar”, cleanse. I was thinking of tricks to help him remember the definitions. For this one I told him to think of Yom Kippur, since that’s a day of cleansing. I’ve associated Yom Kippur with more of a purification concept and this added meaning stayed in my mind when the holiday rolled around. Cleansing and purifying are spiritual fraternal twins in their similar purpose. One is required to usher in the second. First you must wipe away the grime before dipping the item in gold. Neither word felt particularly fitting to me as I pondered the services this year.
I actually enjoyed our synagogue’s services this year. We had a great cantor who used a wide range of Yiddish, Hebrew, and contemporary tunes. Backed by a choir, he threw his entire person into his job. His dedication and enthusiasm was palpable. I always find comfort in having the same seat every year next to my best friends. I made a beautiful pre fast meal for my whole family and it felt so nice being together as we were about to embark on this highest of holidays. One of my required reading books for my zen training is The Energy of Prayer by Tich Naht Hahn. I took that to synagogue with me and mostly read that. It’s a small book that taught me a lot. I’ve been praying since I was able to speak, but not at all in the way described in this book, which focuses on the energy and intention of our innate goodness and how it can be harnessed during prayer. Bringing the book was a good way to keep me centered on the task at hand; connection to God. I did say some of the traditional prayers and as always I read the English. I used to read it out of boredom. This time I read it because if I’m going to pray I want to do it wisely and selectively. What I read kind of bummed me out. In one of the prayers literally every other word was “judgement”. Every other word. I felt suffocated just reading it. In our current vernacular being “non judgmental” is having a moment. To judge is to commit a social crime. If a man judges he’s a jerk, a woman a bitch (especially a woman!). To judge implies you are a patronizing, close minded, holier than thou offensive person. Judgement is uncomfortable for all involved. It immediately causes tremendous separation in that it creates the roles of the judge and the judged. You need both these characters to fit this narrative. In short, it’s a divide. Judgement creates a gap that’s filled with shame, frustration, and self loathing. It always carries the inherent message of unquestionable wrong doing. It is almost impossible to feel close to someone who is judging you and overcome that divide. Imagine if we called our kids into the living room once a year and read them a long list of all the ways they’ve completely screwed up. If we sat in judgement of every single move and transgression made over the past 12 months. And that we might forgive them if they did certain things. I say “might” because the ultimate punishment of death is being held over our guilty, hungry heads and people die every year, sometimes actually on Yom Kippur. So essentially this formula of atonement is by no means a guarantee. And if it’s not a guarantee then what’s the point of putting such grave importance on this one day? I love the holidays and have no issue with a fast day. Sure, it’s super unpleasant and in my opinion all it accomplishes is everyone complaining about how hungry they are. I know zero people who view fasting as cleansing. I’m sure they exist but I personally haven’t met them. It’s pretty funny that throughout all the Jewish holidays everyone is either whining about the excess of food or the lack thereof. Food just can’t win with us.
Back to the prayer book, which seems to be filled with detailed lists of how we all suck as humans and as Jews. In it God is painted as the most unforgiving and frightening version of Judge Judy. In one prayer it said how Hashem remembers every single thing each of us has ever done. Every sin both in thought, word, and deed. I don’t know, Man, but when I was reading this I felt like why bother? Let’s be real; most of what we are atoning for we are going to do all over again. Take sins regarding food. Let’s assume the rabbis were referring to eating non kosher. Non kosher has numerous meanings. There are so many different laws, customs, and interpretations on what’s kosher that it’s dizzying. How could we really know who disobeyed these laws when most of the customs stemmed from different towns in Eastern Europe? It was all just human interpretation. It’s impossible to decide what God meant by that yet we are assuming we screwed it up. The list of our failings is really depressing. Reading it I felt like I didn’t do anything right in the eyes of rabbinic law, despite my knowing I’m a good person who tries so hard to live right.
In Buddhist psychology and meditation practice we learn to not attach to our thoughts. To discern between what are skillful thoughts vs unskillful. Will this thought help me or hurt me? Is this thought true or not? Usually they’re not. The point being to not attach to our thoughts since they are passing mental phenomena. Let them float by like clouds. Clouds are neither wrong nor right, they just are what they are. Judging our thoughts as wrong or bad causes mental anguish. But here we are on Yom Kippur praying how we have sinned in thought. That is the opposite of striving towards mental non attachment. It’s giving heavy weight to all the shitty, destructive thoughts we had. We can’t outrun them because God knows what we were thinking. We must strike our chests and starve ourselves to make up for normal human thought patterns. Honestly, we don’t need punishment; we need help and understanding. Instead of that alienating living room scene in which we tell our children what disappointments they are, we all know it would be kinder and more strategic to help them improve with calm guidance. When any authority figure shows us love we are naturally driven to do better. We rise to the occasion when given the benefit of the doubt. We plummet and shame spiral when we are dissected. I wasn’t angry reading the Hebrew prayers, but I felt sad and frustrated that the message on this most important Day of Cleansing is designed to make us feel so dirty.
Setting aside a day to focus on our spiritual connection is beautiful in theory. Having our parole officer and the grim reaper waiting to pounce isn’t. Are we lying to both ourselves and God just to get the bagel? Are we really planning on inner self improvement or an external law that’s open to interpretation(or neither)? Are we doing any of this so we don’t get struck by lightning or so that we can make money? Well, if we are then we are doomed anyway since God has been keeping a tally of our thoughts. As always I maintain God wants his children to be close to him. He didn’t make us just so he could criticize us. He wouldn’t tell us to cleanse since if he made us in his image as it says in the Torah, then within each of us lies this sparkling gem that needs no polishing. I don’t believe he delights in reminding us how impure we are. We are human and we lose our way. Over and over and over. One day of self loathing won’t change that but a lifetime of self loving can prove to be incredibly powerful. Maybe what needs cleansing is our entire approach to this potentially connective day.