Let Them Eat Cake 🍰

Be not fooled by the cutesy emoji...
One of the most cutting but important Instagram quotes I’ve read is,

“when you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off of knives”.

This is from poet and author Lauren Eden. Ouch. It’s a great analogy since love is food for the soul. It’s vital and essential for our nourishment in every single way. Each part of our entire being is designed to be fueled by love and affection. We hunger for it, and when not given it leaves an all consuming physical ache. Depression kicks in, the body starts to hurt in various places, sadness, loneliness, confusion, the works. It is indeed inherently confusing when we don’t receive proper love; it’s all the soul wants to be a part of so there’s an innocent “well, why not?” in response to that starvation. The soul is bewildered by the deprivation. It’s like asking a waitress for water and she simply refuses. You enter a restaurant, you sit down, you expect water because it’s the most basic part of a meal. Being denied water would be baffling. The same holds true for love, except in the case of the water you’d think the waitress was a nutty bitch. When we are starved for love the blame and judgment immediately turns inward. And in dealing with those who dispense love and attention in crumbs, it can take a lifetime to learn that said crumbs will not suffice. They won’t even make you feel moderately full. There is no true satisfaction to be found in such crumby interactions. But those of us that are delirious with hunger will not only initially gobble them up, but will be pathetically grateful for them. We will wait for the next tiny, unpredictable morsel because in that brief moment we were chosen to receive. The one doling out these slivers know what they’re doing. It’s not a prank, a punishment, or a mind game. It’s not about the recipient; it’s the need for their own crumbs. That egoistic crack hit of being so desired that all they need to give is just a drop. This is absolutely one of the worst parts of any relationship that contains codependent behavior. It speaks to the deep wounding and insecurities of both parties. A fully loving human would never think to dole out crumbs; they heap love willingly. It’s a joy to give affection. Tons of it. You never have to wait, beg, or take less than you want. As well, a full person on the receiving end would scoff at any measly offering and keep walking. Um... no thanks... I’m hungry but not for your shitty food. Of course what we order off the adult menu is usually what we were taught to want as children. You can have this but not that. You’ll get this amount but no more. You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Get upset?? That’s another post entirely. This does not mean these sliver cutting parents don’t/didn’t love their kids. Not at all. But as we should all know by now, love isn’t enough. It’s what you do with it that satiates another human being. The kind of delicious, nourishing meal that fills your belly and heart with warmth, so that all you want to do is fall asleep on the couch with a smile on your lips. Those us us that have had to resort to knife licking are smart in a tragic way. Our human blueprint will always have us adapting and maneuvering ways to survive. Food, water, air, shelter, human interaction, and love. We will bend and twist as a means of survival. We will hunt and gather using any means necessary. When you hear that people do “crazy things for love”, yes, it’s actually crazy what people will be driven to do in order to obtain love. That’s how badly we need it. We will do whatever it takes, as well as take the crumbs in times of maddening hunger.

Crumb offering and consuming can apply to any dynamic; amongst friends, spouses, romantic partners, parent/child. It’s not unique to any specific category of relationship. There are people with great marriages that let their friends treat them like shit. There are those who have terrible connections to their parents yet feel loved and held by a partner. I definitely know people who were loved well by their parents yet are barely emotionally functional as adults. There’s no formula that guarantees a delicious outcome. However the universal common factor is the need for love, to be seen, to be handled gently and respectfully, and to be genuinely heard. Almost no one has healthy relational dynamics across the board. There is often some messed up cocktail being mixed, served, and ingested somewhere. We will keep accepting drops of hatorade until it starts to taste gross. And the gift is in noticing the comparisons; this tastes good but that did not, this entree appeals to me because it’s a balanced plate, etc. With self study we get to radically sharpen our taste buds. No one else can do this for you. While that can be daunting, see it as a gift you can give yourself. You are capable of this.

I can write this post because I’m now looking at another menu. The old, stale choices are rapidly losing their appeal. I’m no longer starving so I no longer will spend one more second with anyone who won’t bring me water. Not only are crumbs no longer acceptable but neither is a slice. I want the whole freaking cake (just not red velvet; ick). Why am I no longer starving inwardly? Because I’ve done a lot of deep diving and unraveling over the past several years. Chaos is leaving my body, henceforth the craving for more of it is disappearing too. This is a sign of much healing and I’m proud of that. Crumbs are now glaringly obvious and not sufficient by any means. I no longer have interest in what was delicious prior. No one likes small portions, even if the food is bad. As I continue on my dating journey, it’s very gratifying to note the differences in who wants to feed me and at whose table I want to park my little SLT toned tuchus. Do I want desert? Fuck yeah. And no one eats dessert with a knife. Way too sharp a utensil for what’s supposed to be the sweetest part of the meal🥄🥮🥧.