I Love You. Now Let’s Split the Check🤑

I hate talking about money. Detest it. I have seen far too many times throughout the entire course of my life how it can be a poison that truly destroys. If you haven’t yet seen the foreign film “Parasite” you must. I am usually instantly turned off by anything that’s critically acclaimed or lauded by the Academy, but this movie blew me away. Money does a number on all the characters in this movie to a tragic degree. Art imitating life. It’s really frightening how people’s relationships to money can define, change, or control them. As is the case with technological devices, it’s not the devices that rule us but rather our relationships to them. You can’t blame an inanimate object for your issues. This really has nothing to do with how much you have or don’t; that’s just an excuse. After all, a person on a yacht off the coast of St Tropez can be whining about lack while a single mother holding down two jobs feels content. We bring our own projections to every single situation.

Money and dating can be a particularly sensitive topic, as far as who is expected to pick up the check. While it’s unfair that the man (I’m being hetero normative here) is always expected to pay, TBH I am a bit old fashioned in that department. For me it’s not about money, it is about feeling that someone I’m dating wants to gladly give to me. If not then what are we doing here? There have certainly been times where I have joyfully reciprocated. When I give I give fully and happily. It is never then used against someone at a later time. If that would be the case then that indicates I have given conditionally. Having grown up in a financially generous family, I was taught to give. To friends, to those in need, to community causes. That lesson combined with my giving nature can be a beautiful thing. However, it can be a nightmare in terms of allowing my boundaries to be crossed, which only leads to me feeling like I’m being taken advantage of. Since boundaries are a brand new concept in my life I have this awareness when it comes to money too. For example, it pains me to have my kids’ friends’ parents pay me back for a movie ticket or a meal. I love treating my children’s friends to anything. My mother did that too. But if I’m always asked to pay the other parents back then it becomes easier for me to usually adopt an equal mindset. I’d rather stick to the Even Steven system in this case to prevent resentment from creeping in. In this way that system can safeguard my mental headspace. There are of course plenty of times where I happily treat all my children’s friends and I don’t think twice. You kind of get a sense for what type of mentality the other parent has, which helps me decide how to go about it. My kids each have best friends whose parents treat them all the time too. We don’t think about it, don’t keep a tally, and don’t pay each other back unless it’s a huge amount. It works in those cases since we love each other’s kids as our own. To sum it up; it comes from a place of fullness and abundance. I think that’s the key to the issue of money in dating; are the actions stemming from a place of abundance? If yes, it’s a joy to treat each other. If not then it’s instantly felt and resented, whether it’s discussed or not. We all know when we are giving with a full heart and receiving with one. Truly beautiful giving never feels like transactional bean counting, since giving to this other person feeds our soul. Giving is a wonderful way to connect; if connection is what we want then there’s no real way to resent the taker if said connection is created by gracious reception. I once dated a wealthy guy who clearly seemed that he had experienced feeling financially used. He was often very generous and seemed to be a giver by nature. But he would sneak in comments about how he expected me to pay sometimes too. It was like he was immediately keeping track and it didn’t feel abundant at all. His birthday arose during the two months we dated. I very happily took him out and bought expensive gifts. It was truly my pleasure. But I didn’t like being watched in that way. Like I said, full giving doesn’t make you feel like that. It was pretty quickly revealed that he was indeed stingy in other ways. Monitoring financial giving can often mean monitoring other types of giving too. There’s usually a thread. We always detect the difference. I also don’t need to be told when to give, especially when I am a generous person. Giving in a relationship shouldn’t be monetized. That’s the opposite of skillful courtship, and definitely defies the meaning of deep love. When we really love another, shouldn’t there be no end to what we would do for that person? I don’t mean in a codependent, harmful, self neglecting way. I mean in a healthy, generous, abundant way. We give because we want to, not because we have to. I was talking to someone who had just broken up with a long term girlfriend. They had been on and off for a couple of years. He put it like this, “I knew when I hit that wall of not wanting to give more to her. Like there was always a barrier I didn’t want to cross.” Very astute and self aware. It’s crucial we learn how to read our inner roadmap like that so we can navigate this specific journey of relationships. I love the loving summation “he never ate an apple without giving her half”. She didn’t have to ask. He just gave it and she accepted. That’s honestly one of the most romantic descriptions of a partnership to me. Something as simple and inexpensive as an apple being used to demonstrate a couple’s relationship to instinctive sharing. It’s a given. The man isn’t thinking about the cost of the apple or whether or not he’s now going to get half of her banana.

How about when a couple splits the check? Everyone has their own system, but personally I think that’s the worst. I’d rather treat my man than divide the bill. Beyond icky to me. Zero abundance or romance to be found anywhere in that situation. That would be a major red flag for me. If someone approaches a meal with a stingy mentality then I’d be a fool to expect generous abundance in any other department. And what is the point of a relationship in which both parties don’t delight in heaping loving care, nourishment, laughs, stuff, and kindness on each other? An expensive trip can understandably be different. But yes, I expect my date to happily pay for my movie ticket and popcorn without throwing it in my face at a later time. No, I will not reimburse you, just as it would never cross my mind to demand reimbursement from you either. If we are truly happy to be spending time together, then who cares?? Even if we break up what’s been given has been given. We almost never regret giving when it’s done with proper intention, even if the relationship doesn’t work out, since in that moment we led with a generous spirit. And generosity feels good. As far as intention, if a woman is looking for a free financial ride, then that’s just gross for a million reasons. No dude should be expected to provide that, unless of course he wants to or doesn’t care. But the average hard working male won’t like being used, nor should he. It’s not respectful. It’s hurtful and agenda ridden. It’s a recipe for warranted resentment.

One of the most important ingredients for a blossoming, successful relationship is that the soil on which all else is planted is rich with golden giving and abundance. A strong desire to give to another, whether it’s an apple, a meal, or a vacation. This is required for both parties.  The nature of the heart is to have no limits, and it’s the heart that acts as the guiding force here. If your head is your accountant that is keeping track of all your relationship matters, than you can just file for bankruptcy now. Love doesn’t keep receipts.