Not My Problem

Forgive me for this copy of this poem, it was the clearest I could pull up.
American born from a Palestinian father, Naomi Shihab Nye is one of my favorite recent poetry discoveries. Her way of taking and twisting the mundane into thought provoking poems has impacted me a lot, especially during this difficult time. The monsoon of anti Semitism has plunged me into a roiling cauldron of feelings; rage, disgust, fear, sadness, despair, the frustration of not being heard/seen/cared about, as well as disappointment in how I have sometimes reacted, however justified I know my reactions are. This poem spoke to me in terms of that. When we are pushed, poked, prodded, and pounded on, how can we respond while staying steady instead of diving headfirst into a tornado of unhelpful reactivity? How can I express what I need to and honor that vocal part of me while maintaining equanimity? Almost every day for the past three weeks I have woken up deciding to not go down the social media rabbit hole. Within 2 minutes I have discarded that commitment. It’s enough, and at this point it’s a matter of standing firm in how I want to spend my time and energy. How we spend our days, like the poem says, tells our story. When deep trauma is triggered, which is what is happening now in the Jewish community, it is human nature to seek out those who agree with us (survival mode) and those who don’t agree with us (our chemical addiction to stress reactivity). I have done both of those things so much lately, and I know it’s proof of healing to even have that awareness of the unconscious activity. I’m tired though, not just of the situation but of my old habits. Each step towards the way of change, which indeed begins with awareness and commitment, becomes a new bag of trash left over from the story of how we spent our day.

I’m currently in the midst of a paradigm shift, and how I continue to navigate all this staggering hatred will either cooperate with the shift or it won’t. The shift requires a fresh response in all areas in order for me to send the message to myself that, yes, I’m going in the right direction.

In Defense of Cancel Culture

Isn’t it ironic how people want to cancel Cancel Culture? Um, isn’t that just another version of the same? It seems that anyone who wants to believe they are woke, open minded, and liberal free thinkers rail loudly against cancelling. On a certain level this obviously makes sense. Are we to cancel someone simply because we don’t agree with something they did or said? I have been accused of doing that a few times this week, in light of the brutal global anti Semitic climate that has emerged from the current Israeli Hamas conflict. Note I did not say Israeli Palestinian conflict. There are many Israelis, Palestinians, and Israeli Arabs who truly wish to live in peace and tranquility. This conflict is between a democratic government and a proud terrorist organization with a charter that clearly calls for global Jewish genocide. You do the math, if it fits your narrative. If not, cancel, right? It’s been a very interesting thing to note this week that people who are neither Jewish nor Palestinian, and who have probably never been to Israel, are suddenly self proclaimed experts on a conflict that brilliant scholars and skilled politicians cannot seem to crack. But any dope with an Instagram account is now spitting misinformed bars from their imaginary dissertation on this volatile topic. Did you care about this last year before it was the trending topic? Or were you too wrapped up in your own stuff and cancelling everyone else? Many people who accused me of cancelling did the exact same thing when it was their issue that was the hot topic. Social media, all media, has been a frightening space to be in for a long time now. There are certain narratives being fed to, and consumed by, the public. You don’t agree? CANCELLED. OUT. DONE. Even if someone has a good point that goes against said narrative, they are shamed and finished. Amongst the numerous layers of staggering hypocrisy that have been made crystal clear recently, accusing others of subscribing to cancel culture is one of them. It’s like when you have a problem you can cancel, but if I have a problem then I can’t.

Let me make this clear. Anti Semitism is abuse. Like any other “ism” or human phobia, Jewish hatred is abuse. At the slightest whiff of that, and I mean the SLIGHTEST, I will cancel you. Not from your right to exist and speak freely, but from my life. It’s amazing; distancing and detoxing ourselves and our lives from any other type of relationship abuse is not only encouraged but congratulated. Good for you, Gurl, he didn’t treat you right. Block his sorry ass. You deserve better. The parent, friend, or boss that wasn’t good to you? F them! Delete them from your life. Protect and honor yourself, Babe! I follow many relationship, dating, love, and therapy accounts/coaches/teachers. Across the board they teach that to in order to protect our emotional and mental well being, strict boundaries are needed. Lines that cannot be crossed are essential for how we treat ourselves. And how we treat ourselves teaches others how to treat us. So a jerk boyfriend can be cancelled but not someone spouting poisonous anti Semitic garbage? I don’t think so. I reserve the right to eliminate anyone and anything that threatens my life, my peace, my rights as a Jew, my rights as a woman, my kids, my community, my heart, and my state of mind. The worst offenders are the woke “peaceniks” who don’t even comprehend how the regurgitation of the “cool” narrative is literally leading to Jewish beatings all over the world. Dude, pick up a book or book a flight. Too much effort, I know. Much easier to argue with me over what I’m allowed to be offended and hurt by. Much easier to yell at the world for cultural appropriation while posting memes of children being led to the gas chamber every time you have a bad day. We are more concerned with getting pronouns right (something I am very careful with, since I don’t want to offend with how anyone identifies) than calling people Nazis. Nazis, you Guys. One of the most evil groups of people ever to exist. ADOLF HITLER WAS TRENDING THIS WEEK ON TWITTER. Read that again and again and again. Guess who un cancelled Adolf freaking Hitler? Every single person who in some way has weaponized one of the most painful parts of modern Jewish history for their own usage. I love how the new millennial shtick is “I’m not anti Semitic, just anti Zionist”. Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night and carry on during the day. Look, you are clearly entitled to your opinion, no matter how much I don’t agree. Say whatever you want, and don’t give a moment‘s thought to how that is directly causing harm to others. Sure, that’s your right in this democratic country we call home. This land isn’t ours btw. It belongs to the Native Americans, but you won’t see people posting and screaming on behalf of them. Jewish hatred has always been sexy. It has always garnered points and street cred with the masses. Jews have been scapegoated throughout history. This is a hard and sad fact. So perpetuating that narrative has always been fully acceptable and expected. It’s always on trend. That’s not what this post is about though. It’s about the fact that just as you have the right to spew uninformed, ignorant, embarrassingly uneducated garbage in the name of “ social justice”, so too do I have the right to remove you from my life. I have done this. I will keep doing this since my life and my energy are precious. In this one life I have, you and your anti Semitic rhetoric are not welcome. There is a block button I can use at will. I will do whatever I have to do to protect myself.

If a friend gives me very bad vibes for any reason, out. If a relative has caused me great harm, out. In my personal life this is always lauded and admired. In my Jewish life, the message is that I am required to eat shit no matter how bad it tastes. Sorry, Boo, that’s not how I work.
If you hurt me and genuinely love me, we can work it out. Good people, myself included, make many mistakes.

If you hurt me and you don’t really care about me, I will cancel you. Faster then you can hit share. And trust me, I won’t regret it. I am very selective with whom is granted access to my life. And abuse of any kind will never be allowed in.

There is a phenomenon I’ve noted in regards to Jewish shiva, the mourning period after someone dies. I have had the good fortune to not yet sit shiva, but I know many who have. Shiva is a weeklong period in which visitors come visit the mourners. Every person I know who has sat shiva, despite drowning in grief and misery, remembers exactly who came to visit and who did not. They never forget who did not come to visit. They won’t know what day it is or if they ate lunch, but they will remember if you were there for them. Humans are pack animals. Our survival depends on our herd. We instinctively know who supports our survival and who will leave us for dead, physically or emotionally. This is why shiva, and participating in any kind of anti Semitic rhetoric, hits so hard. We are designed to look for those who will sustain and support us. Which also means we are designed to look for those who won’t.

Cancelling is editing. And editing eliminates the excess that isn’t helpful. If you won’t help me, or will only do so at your convenience, I wish you well but from a very, very far distance. You are not safe for me. If I brought you into my life with the touch of a button, I can escort you out with the touch of another.

Hatred is cancelled.

The Guest House by Rumi

Wishing all who mother in their own unique ways a very happy Mother’s Day. This poem has meant a great deal to me as a mother. Taking care of my own emotional guests has helped me reparent myself, an act of self love I desperately needed. This has helped me better deal with the visiting emotions and experiences of each of my children. Knowing on the deepest of levels that each feeling, thought, mind state, fear, agitation, and inner happening is just a visitor passing through. When I welcome them I remain the steadfast host who can ultimately escort them back out. But to do that I must greet them first. They are knocking in order to be seen.
Being a mother is fraught with so much emotion. Victories, failures, mountains of self doubt, and immense love all seem to be detonating simultaneously. The trick is to remind ourselves over and over that while these guests come and go, we remain. Knowing this is one of the best things we can demonstrate to our kids. Their own thoughts and feelings come and go while they remain a constant. And as their own experiences wash over them, knocking them over just as ours do to us, Mommy remains.

I’m not perfect because no human is, but I am here. My love for you is not a guest.

Are we still doing this?

I hate this quote. Like I saw it and was pissed. First of all, I’m not a fan of taking stock model imagery and slapping a cheesy message on it. It feels very superficial and well, cheesy. I find it to be somewhat insulting. It’s irritating to me when an edited photo of a fully made up, beautiful woman is lazily paired with “female empowerment!”. But what really vexed me here was the definition of what a strong woman looks like. It is a dangerous message to tell women, overtly or subliminally, what they must do and be in order to be defined as strong. To me, this dumb caption promotes women as doormats in denial, though under the guise of false bravado. I read it as, and of course you don’t have to see it this way, a woman stuffing down her feelings and stoically carrying on, “no matter what life throws at her”. Really?? Are we still doing that?? I’m not. I was raised to believe that and trust me, it doesn’t work. All around me I see women who have no idea how to manage their emotions for the simple reason they were never modeled how to honor and acknowledge them. They were falsely taught that “strength” means to keep going, keep condoning, keep allowing, keep “taking the high road” (my personal favorite; it’s often an excuse that masks cowardice), and perhaps the most harmful if misused; letting go. Letting go is a wonderful thing to to do. It’s one of the key pieces in self liberation. HOWEVER, it’s only true and effective if we first deeply acknowledge and hold sacred space for our own hurt and wounding. To deny ourselves our humanity is not what makes a person strong. It’s a lot easier to take the weaker path of being too afraid to carry our own pain. Our emotional experiences can often be too much to bear, especially when a loved one has wounded us. It’s an extremely difficult thing to do to look very closely at our relationships, especially our stories around those dynamics. For example, it’s usually crazy hard for mothers to admit when we have caused our children pain; it negates the story we need to have that we are great moms. Hard, right? Easier to ignore and “persevere” without ever having the tough conversation. If a significant other hurts us, or if we’ve hurt them, that can tamper with the story of our solid relationship. To blindly persevere is to not cope at all. To forgive is usually a cop out, since it’s way harder to tell someone they really hurt us. Why? Because, among other things, we might lose them. THEY may not forgive US. Read that again. Therefore, since the dawn of time, women have been trained that true strength lies in never investigating our own stuff. We have been conditioned to deny, falsely forgive so as not to rock the boat, and just get used to marinating in hurt and resentment. This, to me, is weak. To sit with our hurt is the true exercise in strength, for the very reason that it’s intensely uncomfortable. I once had a friend say that she self medicates to avoid looking at certain relationships in her life. Think about the painful gravity of that statement. “Walking away” is hiding. Yes, we absolutely must remove ourselves from any form of abuse or mistreatment, no question. Toxic dynamics, insulting conversations; BYEEE. But I took this to mean walking away from our feelings, in the name of “moving on”. That’s where the self harm lies. All humans are deeply emotional and sensitive beings. What our culture does to men in teaching them to deny their feelings is beyond destructive. So basically, a strong man just “keeps going” and a strong woman just “keeps going”? Ok, cool. So what we are left with are generations of all types of humans who have no skill set in navigating their emotional experience. How can anyone relate to anyone if we lack this powerful language? How can we effectively raise other humans if we don’t know how to face and nurture our own stuff? One of the things I have learned is that to love, really love, one must look at themselves, before they then do this with others, with radical honesty and acceptance (I recommend the transformative works of Tara Brach). We cannot love anyone or anything without an open and accepting examination. I love myself because I see myself, and I love you because I see you. I can only see your pain if I first admit to my own. I can only fully appreciate your magnificence if I throw away the self deprecation, move through the shame and self berating, and appreciate my own. To love is to know. It even says that in the Torah. We cannot love without knowledge, and the willingness to know both ourselves and the others in our lives is an act of love itself. What is more demeaning and dismissive than if we share with someone we are in pain, and that admittance is met with, “let it go”? It’s unkind. To be courageous (the root of which means “heart” in French) is to not run from pain. It’s not to just forgive, forget, and get over it. Getting over things isn’t strength, it’s avoidance by trying to jump over the juicy, informative process of self investigation. We have to believe our feelings matter. It’s in the process of sitting with our stuff that we learn ourselves; the good, the bad and the ugly. Life is all these things, good, bad, and ugly. We can’t outrun suffering. In Buddhism it’s known as the ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows. All are often existing at once. All matter, and all are deserving of attention. To skip over the uncomfortable parts is to ignore reality. It’s the strong who don’t choose to ignore anything.

If you’ve been taught to just “move on”, I see you. If you have been modeled that forgiveness and condoning are interchangeable, I understand. You don’t have to subscribe to that anymore. You are meant to have a rich, complex, loving relationship with yourself. You are indeed designed to forgive, but true forgiveness comes after sincere attention to the matter. Otherwise it’s a cheap bandage. As far as perseverance, it’s not always possible in the moment. Sometimes we just can’t. Sadness, shifting, transitions, covid integration, grief, a breakup, deep introspection, a fight with a loved one, divorce, IVF treatments,a miscarriage, illness, whatever you’re dealing with. These are very heavy things. Strength is allowing the grace to not persevere (which can even mean numbing yourself with errands), and to take some time to process the heaviness. Please don’t think that allowing yourself to feel indicates weakness. Anyone of true value in your life would never want you to rob yourself of your emotional process. Don’t ever lose yourself in order to keep others. Now THAT is one of my favorite quotes on Instagram.

Helping, Fixing, or Serving? - Lion's Roar Inbox

Such a deeply important article. To all the well intentioned fixers out there, I see you. I understand the need to fix in order to control an outcome. This often comes from our own fears, which is why it’s usually unhelpful to the person we are claiming to help. We believe there is safety in the way the story matches up with what we need it to be. Many people fix because they crave security, control, and predictability. It’s fear based. It stems from our own projections, insecurities, and preferences, our own need to be validated. Service, on the other hand, comes from love. It’s not us determining what the other person needs, it’s not us forcing a certain result. Service is an expression of love because it contains the element of trust; trusting the other, trusting life, trusting the unknown, trusting we don’t have the answers, and trusting our inherent value even if we can’t solve the issue at hand. I have found that the deeper I dive into my own habits, clear out old fears, and apply radical honesty to my own process, I have alchemized my need to fix into a genuine desire to serve. I hope you find this useful in your own quest to relate to those around you. We are all deeply responsible for how we respond to others. More often than not, we cause more damage when we aren’t skillfully and sensitively supportive. Service is a skill. It’s ok to need to relearn how to do it, since most of us weren’t modeled healthy acts of supporting others. What’s not ok is to continue to allow our own pathologies to affect others, especially under the guise of help. We learn, we apply, we practice. May we commit to better serving our fellow humans. May we allow for them to serve us, too. Receiving is equally necessary, it’s something we all deserve.

https://www.lionsroar.com/helping-fixing-or-serving/

Same beach, new story

I recently returned from a trip to Miami Beach, Florida, a place I swore I’d never return to. Growing up, my extended family spent decades of Passover’s there, beginning in 1985 (I think) following the death of my grandfather. Prior to that, we had spent Passover at the legendary Grossinger’s resort in the Catskills, a point of great pride for any tri state area family. Having gone to Grossinger’s takes New York mid century Judaism to the next level.
For many years, my Miami family memories were special and amazing. Having that time with my cousins was the highlight of the year for all of us. Over time, as our family began to disintegrate and turn toxic and frightening, we were forced to keep going to Miami and spend miserable holidays together. Choosing health, wellness, self respect, and boundaries, not to mention physical safety, in a deeply enmeshed and codependent family dynamic was simply not on the table. In a Holocaust surviving family, being scared and miserable yet together was the learned norm. I understand this from the perspective that there is strength in numbers. That survival tactic literally saved lives during the war. “Happiness” and emotional safety was modern frivolity, and physical safety was the goal. I don’t think a drunk uncle throwing punches and chairs would be considered physically safe, but again, compared to the horrors of the war that was nothing. Over time, as the family holidays spent together went from uncomfortable to unbearable and dangerous, my associations to this particular stretch of Miami Beach soured immensely. I vowed never to go back. The memories, for a million reasons, were too painful. The association was an utter sense of danger and defenselessness.
This year, being in the same spot that held such pain and trauma, I was able to experience Miami in a whole new way. Looking out onto the beach from my balcony, I was overcome with the liberation that comes with one rewriting their story. The possibility of us being able to flip any script is incredibly empowering and freeing. The version of me that suffered at the hands of a miserably diseased family system doesn’t exist anymore. She was laid to rest years ago. While I remember those awful times clearly, it’s as if I’m just watching a movie about someone else. There is no part of me that would ever even be a walk on in a movie like that, and I’m proud that as a mother, my children would never be subjected to that type of environment. There is no strike two when it comes to my kids, and their father has the same approach. Maybe what I went through as a defenseless child was needed to shape me into the parent I became, a parent who would not put my kids in harm’s way no matter what. I don’t believe in suffering for the sake of anyone else’s narrative, and I have carved out a life for myself that supports that. My ability to have rewritten my story, thereby creating space for new memories and feelings in the very same spot that was so traumatic, filled me with deep appreciation for both myself and for life. For possibility, for chances, for the strength it takes to reclaim one’s life.
I’m a very emotionally driven person who is extremely sentimental. I remember everything. While I hold my memories and feelings, I don’t want them to hold me. One of the goals in my spiritual practice is to be so anchored and rooted, so that I don’t get swept away by the ever changing tides of feelings and brain activity. Not tightly attaching to any particular experience affords us more ease and fluidity in this human experience. Being able to feel inwardly safe and comfortable, and open and spacious, allowed me to enjoy Miami in a whole new way. I was proud that I didn’t get dragged down by the sediment of the past, and that the healing work I’ve done over the past few years gave me fresh clay to mold.
I subscribe to a life in which I’m the creator. My happiness, as an adult, is my responsibility. My approach to life is a choice, and how I act supports that choice in either direction. I choose peace, I choose strength, I choose liberation, and I choose possibility. That’s the best part of being a grown up; I get to decide.

Bespoke Religion

I’m seeing, mostly through social media, how Judaism, orthodoxy included, is being expressed in so many new and different ways. I love this and think it’s a very important development. Growing up in a provincial orthodox Jewish neighborhood which was part of the New York/New Jersey rigidly religious machine, it seemed that anyone who dared deviate from the blueprint was judged, ridiculed, ostracized, and labeled. There was simply one way of doing religion. That idea to color within the lines goes against any sense of individuality, and in my opinion, goes against God. If God wanted us to all be the same, he’d have made us so. What is the point of handing out different personalities, thought processes, and DNA just to wind up with an army of clones? I understand that throughout history, especially post Holocaust, there was a need for the control of sameness (this is nothing but an illusion, but still). To reestablish ourselves after such mass destruction and the threat to our very existence reasonably manifested in a more homogeneous approach to religious and cultural life. Humans often find comfort and safety in the predictability of rules. Rules calm the mind (again, an illusion but still) and provide order. Anyone that is a threat to such a system of order is very often cast as a black sheep. This happens on a micro level, say within a family unit like mine, or on a macro level in greater society.
Lately, it has given me great satisfaction to see that it’s becoming more and more acceptable to honor and uphold religious practice in unique ways. For instance, a friend’s orthodox son spent Passover alone in nature. Without a synagogue, community, or special food prepared, he hiked, prayed on snowy mountains, and ate permissibly kosher foods. Nothing was sacrificed yet all was done atypically. Another friend, who is strictly orthodox as well, told me his best Passover ever was spent in Mexico with friends. They prayed together, found kosher food, and had a great time while connecting to the holiday on a beach. Why not? It seems the days of celebrating the Jewish holidays in one way only are thankfully waning. I think it sends a very weak message when religious practice can only be upheld in a black or white manner; it’s as if we are teaching people that without THIS or THAT the system will collapse. If one of life’s goals is to be more open and flexible, shouldn’t this include worship, too? God is enormous and vast; should it be that there’s only one way of connecting to Him? Think about it; as parents we aim to encourage our kids to find themselves, express themselves, BE themselves. It’s like, “ Be yourself and express yourself EXCEPT when it comes to one of the most central themes of your life. Then you must stick to the script”. On social media there have been wonderfully interesting moves from sects of all branches of Judaism on how to honor our heritage. Heritage and religion are two very different concepts, and it’s so refreshing to see so much creativity coming from the ultra orthodox to traditionally cultural. Jewish farmers, musicians, rappers, artists, bakers, holistic healers (like a cousin of mine), just to name a few, have made Jewish expression an endeavor of the heart and spirit over the outdated, fixed ideas of the mind. One of my zen teachers, a Soto zen Buddhist monk, is Jewish. Through him, I’ve participated in a number of Jewish programs with Lab Shul, deeply celebrating Shabbat and holidays in new and exciting ways. Instead of the old teaching that it’s this or nothing, can’t we focus on the newer concept that everything is everything? Not doing Judaism the same way as our community or parents doesn’t mean we aren’t doing it. It means, most likely, we’ve actually stepped back from our programming to examine our intentions, practices, and goals in feeling Hashem in our lives. For instance, I feel more connected to my personal piece of Judaism by incorporating Buddhism into my life. There has been a widening that has made me think deeply and carefully about my Jewish life and how I want it to be. On Yom Kippur I’m probably the only person who refuses to strike my chest during prayers. That practice feels unhealthy to me so I stopped a few years ago. In no way do I feel less connected on Yom Kippur, and in no way am I suggesting my way is right. All I’m saying is that there should be, and must be in changing modern times, room to build our relationship to God in a way that truly serves our heart. I believe this is the point to this whole gig, because a healthy, loving heart makes for a healthy, loving individual. A healthy, loving individual allows us to better do God’s work. It all comes full circle when practiced with joy. Without joy and connection there is a blockage to all our experiences. If praying alone in a forest brings one joy, then how great is that? We, as a community, must encourage and support this new religious elasticity, having faith that true connection only creates more room for all types of expansion. These interpretations will never be viewed as threats by those who feel firmly rooted in their connection to Hashem. A strong foundation has room for growth. As a parent who greatly values my Jewish history, heritage, and culture, I want to teach this very notion to my children; don’t ever be afraid that God doesn’t love you for exactly who you are. I don’t want my kids to be clones of me, their dad, or each other. Preaching the idea of identical religious practice will only become a hindrance in their growth as individuals. If they arrive at the traditional conclusion, I hope it’s from their own exploration and not this archaic idea that coloring outside the lines is a problem.

Harvesting Hard-Won Lessons // Ten Percent Weekly

Hi, Friends. I hope everyone enjoyed their Passover/Easter/Spring breaks. It feels great to be back here today. Not writing new content over the holiday is something I don’t think I’ve ever done (maybe once?) since starting the blog, and it felt lovely and wise to take a well earned rest. The time away gave me much to contemplate, some of which I’ll share in the coming weeks, but I just read this article that I had to pass along. It’s so important on many levels, and I was really impacted by it. It’s from the good folks at Ten Percent Happier, a wonderful resource from teacher and author Dan Harris. Ten Percent Happier is a terrific podcast featuring wisdom and insight from countless teachers. I really recommend it. When I’m feeling off, I like to take walks to a podcast or talk that I know will help balance me out. Walk, breathe, listen, walk, breathe, listen. This way I get my physical, mental, and spiritual exercise at the same time (alignment). This is an activity I literally never regret; it’s a great way to be really good to myself.

Please enjoy this insightfully inquisitive article from Dr Jay Michaelson. The timing to have read this, for me, couldn’t be better. It’s essentially an individual dive into an emotional and mental overview over the past year of the pandemic, as we begin to see signs of change and integration. There are some great tools for guiding ourselves through the ever changing tides of life.

Ten Percent Weekly

The Pandemic's Harvest

By Jay Michaelson

The pandemic is changing again. And for once... maybe?... for the better.

Of course, we’re not out of the woods yet, with new variants and still-high numbers. But whether you’ve been vaccinated yet or not, you don’t have to be a mindfulness expert to notice the shift in our national mood, and maybe in your own too.

I want to suggest that these months of transition are a uniquely valuable time. Yes, they are awkward, hopeful, anxious, and more, all at once. But they are also a time for harvest.

We’ve all been challenged in the past year. Collectively, we’ve experienced loss, anxiety, isolation, grief, boredom, anger, fear—you name it, really. Yet we have also seen our own resilience, and that of others. We’ve grown in ways we didn’t want to grow. As much as we have shut down, there are also ways in which we’ve opened up.

Now is the right time to begin to gather and integrate some of the unwanted lessons of the past year. When things were tougher, it might have been too difficult--and it might be too difficult for you now, in which case, don’t rush! But when things get easier, we might want to just leave all of this behind. So right now could be your best opportunity to gather in some of the fruits of the Covid year. Here are a few prompts to consider.

1. The Body Remembers

Check in with your body. What physical feelings are predominant? Can you try tuning into those feelings, whether they’re pleasant or not, and noticing them, like a witness? Can you remember how the body felt at different times during the past year, both high and low? Take a moment to remember and re-embody those times. And then: what tools or techniques were helpful to you (yoga, meditation, nutrition, exercise)? Where did you fall down? (Don’t worry, we all did.) Consider journaling some of this, reflecting on the evolution of this past year with your physical being as a prism.

2. What Helped?

Now let’s move to the level of the heart. What were some of the most difficult moments of the past year, and how did you get through them? Maybe summon one up right now--I’ve got mine--and bring yourself back to it for a moment. And then, as before: what were the resources, inner and outer, that helped you get through? Meditation? A friend? Chocolate? Consider journaling this too. The point is to remember what worked for you (and what didn’t) so that you can turn to it next time life is hard. You’ve been forced to cultivate resilience this past year; don’t forget how you did it.

3. How Did It Feel?

And then, to the mind. See if you can remember how your mind felt at moments of resilience, openness, or sheer endurance. (I’ve stolen this little meditation from Dr. Rick Hanson, who wrote about it in this newsletter last summer.) Remember when you hit a tough place—a relative in the hospital, kids having serious challenges, a job loss, loneliness. Hang out there for a bit. But then fast-forward a little bit to when you emerged from it (even if you fell back later, that’s fine). What did the mind feel like when it was brave, or loving, or fierce? Re-inhabiting these mental states can help the mind become more familiar with them. For example, the brain physically learns what courage is when you revisit it over and over again. So, perhaps in a formal meditation session, take your mind on a tour of the past. Re-inhabit those helpful mind-states, knowing that you’re carving those neural pathways so that the brain can more easily find them next time. (I paraphrase, of course.)

4. What Mattered?

Finally, let’s look at the transpersonal and interpersonal. Who and what really mattered to you over the pandemic? Which friends showed up, and which ones disappeared? (You’re not here to judge the disappearing ones, of course, just noticing and taking stock.) What gave you purpose? What was hard to give up, and what was surprisingly easy?

These are just some starters. Feel free to share your own questions and prompts in the feedback session. Let’s go through this transition together.

To be sure, none of this is to suggest that the pandemic is all for the best; however valuable, these lessons are not worth the terrible losses that have taken place. And of course, if you’re not ready to harvest just yet, don’t! That, itself, is useful to notice.

Also, be prepared for this transition to be choppy! Most transitions are. You may find, for example, that stuff you’d put on the back burner for a year may suddenly come up once again. You may find social interactions awkward, and uneven; we may do this together, but we’re all going to do it in our own ways and at our own paces. We’ve been living weird, altered, and often warped lives for a long time. All of this, as they say in the meditation business, is grist for the mill.

To close, I’m reminded of some of the best advice I received at the end of a long meditation retreat, from Sharon Salzberg: “Grow wise in the transition.” The transition is part of the process. This is what is happening. And there are a lot of fruits to harvest that can be of great value in our lives.

If I Loved Myself...

I first read this prompt on the Instagram feed of Mark Groves/Create The Love. It was a self inquiry that hit me hard. It’s a guide I use as often as I remember to, and it truly does lead me to the thought/word/action that serves me best in the moment. When we think/speak/act from a place of dignity, clarity, and self love, that seeps out into our environment. Everyone wins. That doesn’t mean everyone is happy. For example, you love yourself so you tell your family you won’t be joining them for the (stressful, tense) holidays. They will be understandably upset, but instead of just masking the issues and suffering as you’ve done in the past, you have now created space for potential honesty and healing of a family wound. By not making things worse in the way of family pain accumulation, you have set the stage for others to be truthful, thereby possibly allowing for seeds of repair. Let’s say you no longer want to date someone but are wrestling with feelings of guilt about removing yourself. By loving yourself out of a situation that doesn’t suit you romantically, you are giving the other party the (albeit painful) a chance to find someone that wants to be with them. It’s actually quite selfish; when we allow our own guilt to deprive the other party of the truth of what’s actually going on. Let’s say the upset party is you. You have just been dumped; it is excruciating and terrifying. Sometimes self love is simply witnessing our pain, not pretending things are ok, and choosing loving thoughts as, “this hurts but I know I’m being guided to my person”. This question hit me so hard because it was not something I was ever taught, as is the case with most of us. This is sad, that the majority of us have been raised and trained to shove ourselves aside out of some deluded belief that everyone around us matters more. The truth is no one matters more than anyone else, ever. Financial status, popularity, homelessness, race, religion, our own family hierarchy; none of these things make anyone better or more important. The day we decide we are worthy is the day we start to free ourselves from the prisons of our own makings, the prisons in which we stay trapped in a cell of self betrayal. Sometimes even self harm. A person who constantly deprives themselves of certain foods out of a need to control and punish their bodies might demonstrate self love by finally enjoying some ice cream. On the flip side, someone who really wants to lose the 20 lockdown pounds would love themselves by not eating the ice cream. Only you know the answer, only you can know what’s right for you. Here are some of the ways I’ll use this question. I hope this helps you begin to ask yourself this most worthy of inquiries. When we locate the answer and follow that inner guidance, it’s a small victory. We all deserve to feel strong, honorable, kind to ourselves, and victorious in our own lives.

If I Loved Myself I’d...
Go to bed earlier
Shut my phone off two hours before bed (yeah, right)
Stop checking my phone incessantly
Push myself to get in my body practice, even if I have to fight through not being in the mood
Take a break from physical activity when I really do need to. By loving my body I love myself.
Wait before firing off that bitchy email since I’ll inevitably feel lousy after.
Not let my self worth get tied up in “that text from that person”
Meditate
Set myself up to not be late, so I can avoid feeling rushed, panicked, and angry at myself for poor time management (see? Everybody wins since now I’m punctual)
Get my blog entries done in advance, so I’m not frazzled last minute
Take a bath every so often
Enjoy the cookie
Mostly eat balanced, nutritious, healthy foods that support me and the life I want to live
Practice DJing since it raises my vibration and makes me feel happy and energized
Remind myself over and over that I’m being guided and cared for by the universe. This helps me feel less afraid.
Breathe deeply and slowly several times throughout the day (at least) so I can regulate my nervous system
Forgive myself when I act/speak/ think unskillfully
Speak up when my needs aren’t being honored or met (this type of silence harms everyone and breeds resentment)
Get clear on what I want from Source and choose to act in alignment with my desires (manifestation is a partnership)
Take my vitamins
Schedule doctors appointments to be on top of my health (so many of us moms neglect our health)
Stop scrolling mindlessly on Instagram
Resist the urge to purchase yet another white tank top
Keep in touch with that person who makes me feel good
Cut ties with that person who makes me feel bad (it sometimes is that simple)
Decline that invitation/date
Embrace more being and less doing

If I loved myself I’d remind myself that to err is human, it is expected, and it is real. And that though I’ll fall many times until the day I die, I can also always rise back up, straighten my crown, take a deep breath, and choose better. When we choose better we heal.
You are worthy of all the love you pour onto others. Each right decision sends a message to ourselves that we are important, precious, deserving, delicious, and sovereign. How would you answer this question today?

***Please note that the above reference to dieting did not refer to anyone struggling with any type of eating disorder. Anyone dealing with an eating disorder should please seek professional guidance. You are certainly not alone. Help is available.

Whom We Leave Behind As We Evolve

This is such a powerful topic, one I had no idea was even a thing. My learned conditioning to stay with whomever was in my life, no matter what, was so deeply ingrained. I have often touched upon this idea in the way of cutting out toxic relationships and dynamics that are draining, depleting, destructive, and unhealthy. In a case such as this it’s more cut and dry. I firmly believe that aside from our children, anyone else needs to earn a place in our precious lives. Friends, romantic partners, and most family is a choice. Those we invite into our very important lives are meant to enhance our existence. I like people, I always have. I don’t believe “people suck”. Point being, I want to be able to truly enjoy my peeps, and for them to benefit from me as well. All healthy relationships have a bedrock of reciprocity. We know when someone feels bad or good to us on an inner level. When we ignore that knowing and stick to those who make our inner teacher cringe, it’s a form of self betrayal. Self betrayal automatically comes attached to the shame that we have let ourselves down. We can go down the rabbit hole of berating ourselves, faulting ourselves, and getting trapped in self blame. This is all very normal. Doing things, and being with people, that aren’t good for us are choices we make unconsciously out of habit and learned training. We get attached to stories about why we can’t move on; they’re my family, I’ve known her for so long, I’m scared to be without this person etc (insert excuse here). Conscious awareness is the key to reconnecting with our patterning, our inner wisdom, and our freedom to choose. This is a freedom we really do possess. It’s the freedom seen in an uninhibited child. It’s in us all and over time it gets covered in the dust and fog of the stories we are told from our parents, caregivers, teachers, religion, and environments. Included in this are things we learn from all forms of media and entertainment. Ideas like “you can’t, you should, you must” are always on repeat. Our birthright of freedom and choice becomes more and more foreign to us over time. It becomes extremely hard to access at all, and it takes massive amounts of unlearning to regain our sovereign right to choose and feel free in doing so.

After many years of feeling utter despair in being tethered to so many people, I reached the point several years ago where I began to protect myself by removing anyone from my life that did not align with the new version of Me. That was many versions ago, and I have become more selective in all ways. Just as it feels bad to be out of control in our unconscious choices in whom we spend time with, it feels rather good to be in control of the conscious decisions to keep the company we desire. It all begins with deep awareness of how we react to those in our presence. Am I relaxed, joyful, breathing openly, laughing, connecting? Or is my breathing constructed, chest tight, and filled with dread at seeing this person? Paying attention to the physical messages my body was sending was essential in learning my reactivity. The first question Koshin, my zen Buddhist teacher, asks me in our weekly meetings is, “how’s your breathing right now?” Breath is everything. How we are doing it tells us so much. It’s constantly changing as our moods and thoughts jump around like unhinged kangaroos. It wants to work with you and help you come back to yourself. Regular breath awareness and breath work transformed my life. It helps me regulate my nervous system. When it’s free flowing, I picture it as a golden mist filling my insides and seeping out through my pores. This golden mist is love. You all have it. It comes from within. It’s always there even if it feels inaccessible. I pause, remind myself it’s there, and locate it again and again. Life, and breathing, is a constant dance of expansion and contraction. Contraction isn’t a failure. It’s a message to return to expansion. I hope my life ultimately contains more widening than shrinking. None of us were born to play small, and it’s the people in our lives who are meant to help us on our journey of expansion.

What made me write this post was a text convo I had yesterday with an old friend. This was a very close friend, one of my best, for a whole decade. I told him all my secrets, saw him regularly, and took his advice on pretty much everything. He was definitely a type of security blanket in that his presence was a constant. We had great laughs together, deep talks, and truly enjoyed each other’s company. Due to an insane set of circumstances that had nothing to do with me, I had to end our time together. It was at a very specific time in my personal life, and ending our (platonic) relationship was a matter of self preservation and protection. I did this over the phone since in person would have been way too hard. I did not offer an explanation. I could tell he was shocked and upset but tried to act indifferent. I expected this. He later told me how devastating this was for him, and I appreciated the rare glimpse of emotional honesty. Choosing that this person and I could no longer continue was terrifying to me. A wise friend who knew the bizarre details shoved me off the cliff, the cliff I knew I need to jump off of but couldn’t. I needed her to tell me what to do, and to tell me I would more than survive this. My attachment and affection for this person was strong, I was reliant on him in so many ways. This is one of the ways in which we need our people. We need them to be radically honest, especially when it’s something we are afraid to hear. Support isn’t unconditional agreement, that’s enabling. It often sounds like, “I love you and you need to hear this. BECAUSE I love you I’m going to say it”. We need our peeps when our lens is too clogged up with our feelings to see straight. Our brain chemistry, when unaligned, distorts our vision to a staggering degree.

This person and I are still sporadically in touch. Yesterday he reached out, we caught up a bit, and while it was nice, there were things revealed even in the brief text exchange that gave me full clarity that he and I are simply not on the same wavelength. He’s exactly where he was and I am not. Those that feel really right to us operate on the same energetic frequency that we do. I smiled warmly as I realized, possibly for the first time, that I can hold an affectionate place for him while knowing we just don’t match up anymore. We leave behind all sorts of things as we grow, people included. As I learned from this, this need not mean these are toxic, messed up people. They can be good and they may love us. For me, this was a revelation that as I flow forth with the ever changing currents of life, I can edit with fondness. I can say goodbye to someone I like and whom I wish well. The growth here was clear, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that what had happened years ago, resulting in the end of our relationship, was the universe itself kicking me off that aforementioned cliff. It was a direct message that the old version of me that had been so attached to his energy was ready to die. He wasn’t going to be joining my new self. It’s amazing when we can so clearly see the dots connecting in our favor. Fog lifted, direction clear, support felt, all reminders that our path is safe.

The point of this post is this: it’s hard enough, though way more obvious, to eliminate those who make us feel like shit. When we realize we can do that it’s like, “don’t let the door hit you on the way out”. It feels good to choose to stay away from what feels bad, yes? However, what I learned is that we can keep moving on from certain dynamics and relationships even if we are deeply fond of someone. We can look back and smile, say hello every so often, appreciate it for what it was, and be perfectly content with what it is. It’s not trite or cheesy to say that the most important relationship you have is with yourself. It’s the truth. As we go through various stages, chapters, and shedding, as we are meant to, not everyone will stay with us. Most won’t. To say goodbye gracefully and peacefully means we know it’s the right move. Grace and peace don’t often come with goodbyes, but it sure is nice when they do.

Feeding With Love

For the first time ever, I’m combining the Food and Inspire sections. Next week I have a great Jesscipe planned, but this week I’m brimming with excitement about this combo post.

Through the magic of social media, I came across a local community food project in Brooklyn. A few artists (Brooklyn is spilling over with all sorts of creatives) got together to paint refrigerators, situate them throughout the boroughs (Queens also), and have the local neighborhoods fill them with donated food. Whoever needs can come take with dignity and privacy. Neighbors drop off dairy items, produce, pre cooked meals, and local restaurants donate leftover food. I was incredibly inspired by this grassroots initiative. It’s not about a checkbook, a journal ad, sitting at the Platinum table, or getting dolled up to attend a charity function where everyone knows what everyone else gave financially. This is pure and humble giving, with a sensitive awareness to the fact that people in our own backyards are hungry and struggling. I’m sure that things like this have existed before covid, but there has been a massive increase in how the world has been asked to widen the collective lens during this intense pandemic. Everything has been seriously magnified over the past year (a whole year!!!); need, hunger, poverty, racism, anti Semitism, isolation, frustration, death, loss, sickness, anxiety, loss of income, interpersonal relationships, our relationships to ourselves, self reflection, just to name a few. We have been dragged to a giant reflecting pool in which we aren’t just looking back at our own faces, but at the faces of the global collective. If there has ever been a time of forced expansion, this, dear friends, is it. I come from a background of service. My family, and the Jewish community at large, is wired to help. We are generous, which is why we have sustained ourselves throughout the course of history. However, and there are psychological survival reasons for this, our powerful resources have mostly been used to serve our own. This is not a bad thing, and frankly, we haven’t had a choice. Looking out for the needs within our own community has been a vital necessity. The public opinion of all Jews swimming in money is ignorant and untrue. Many Jewish people struggle, starve, and need just like everyone else. We bleed and we cry, too. Coming to the aid of my Jewish brothers and sisters has been taught to me since day one. It’s an education and training I’m deeply grateful for. It has set the stage for me to now expand my circle of giving, and give in ways close to my heart. Ways in which I can feed my soul, which is why I love to serve through actual food. The thought of anyone being hungry and not being able to feed their families kills me. Basics like food, safety, clean water, warmth, clean air, and education are essential human needs and rights. In America, a country of immense wealth and excess, it is unacceptable and inexcusable for any person living here to be deprived of these things. During this past year I have read sickening facts and statistics about pockets of our country in which these basic life rights are not provided. This has existed forever; I just didn’t know about it because it never occurred to me to see beyond my own four walls. My life and lens are so different now. As I began to change my whole life several years ago, everything began to shift. The more I slowly started to pry myself open, and commit to that continued prying, my capacity to see things clearly grew exponentially. The more I saw myself with awareness, clarity, love, and empathy, the more I could do this with my children, my inner circle, and now my growing outer circle. The whole world is all of our outer circle. A circle is a continuous shape that lacks sharp edges corners in which to hide in. It has nowhere to crack, nowhere to escape. It’s soft, round, and fluid. This is how I wish to exist in the world. I harden and contract still, yet now I have the tools and awareness to return to feeling circular and connected. I wish for my circle of compassion and giving to be as wide as possible, and I know this takes dedicated practice. In zen there is actually a vow we say daily in order to remind ourselves of this commitment. “Sentient beings are numberless, I vow to save them” is the first line of the Four Vows. Not “saving” anyone in terms of the savior and victim; that’s a trap of roles that takes on an arrogant Jesus complex. Rather, it’s more practically how can I help? It’s also about saving others from our own crap and pathology, but that’s for another post. “Om Mani Padme Hum” is a common Buddhist mantra that helps temper and soothe our ego states and reactivity, which means we are automatically more helpful to each other. When we are calm and open, we can better serve each other. We are grounded, ready, and more able. Beloved spiritual teacher Ram Dass translated om mani padme hum to, “how can I help?”. I have found that the more I open my heart, the more purely and effectively I can help. The more open my heart is towards myself, the more that spills onto my surroundings. It’s why I can write this blog, create, and DJ. Four years ago my circle of giving did not include myself. If we can’t look at ourselves clearly and witness our own needs, we can forget about witnessing the needs of our loved ones and neighbors. We can’t see through a foggy mirror, and the good news is that fog can be wiped away. I was proud that a lady who took a meal asked me if I was Jewish. It’s not obvious, in my modern clothing and way. I asked her how she knew, and she replied that she had a feeling. The Jewish community is indeed a powerful and generous resource. We can direct our efforts and attention to vast oceans of need. In the wake of the scary rise of anti semitism, let’s be better than hate. Let’s stay open where the instinct is to contract out of fear. We are stronger than hate always, on a micro and macro level. Let others throw stones, that’s their karma. Ours is to serve with love and nourishment. I fully believe this is our test right now, and tests are always a compliment because source/Hashem knows we can triumph. It’s why we are still here. Our karma is good. Lean into that knowing while we face hatred from others. It’s a valuable teaching; the world can be upside down and still, and yet, we proceed in ways we know are right and true. This is always the way. It’s easy to get tossed about by the news, social media, opinions, and discussions. We have the ability to anchor ourselves underneath the turbulent waves of the world, just like the spirit can always be anchored underneath the turbulent mind states and thoughts we are constantly experiencing. I learned an important lesson as I was packing my meals into the refrigerator. A homeless looking man was approaching. I benevolently asked him if he’d like a meal. He answered that he was there to drop off food as well. It was an excellent reminder to watch our assumptions, and also that anyone and everyone has the power to give something. Whether it’s 40 meals and bags of produce, three cans of beans, or a smile, we can all give something. It’s all important and it’s all needed. We are all of great value. It’s when we forget this that things go off the rails as a society.

I was proud to show my kids this particular endeavor. They are being raised in a Jewish bubble, but I’m hopefully teaching them that that has a shelf life. If we demonstrate to our children that we know how huge their hearts are, we build within them a trusting of that knowledge. We slowly show them that the circle of compassion and giving gets bigger and bigger.

I love to cook in large quantities, and so providing healthy, balanced meals to others was a true joy for me. Nourishment is a really big deal in every sense. When we give and receive nourishment, nutritionally, physically, or emotionally, we all benefit each other. I need you to give to, and to receive from. If we only give we die. Receptivity is just as essential. Receiving is healthy, and only when I began to learn this was I able to truly give from a pure space. I am worthy of being given to. You are worthy of being given to. We all dance on a balance beam of yin and yang, giving and receiving. When we over give, we deplete ourselves. When we only take, it’s a selfish and miserly existence. It’s a contracted and fear based way to live that comes from survival mode. To my fellow empaths, I see your need to over give. This, too, is fear based survival mode. I watch myself very closely in this way; do I give at the expense of myself? Do I give to earn approval, points, or recognition? Is my giving transactional since generosity was the only way I learned to receive affection? Giving can be very complicated. It can also be very simple, as it was here. There are hungry people and I was blessed to be able to provide food. No points, no transaction. If you need it, take it. We are equal and right now this is what you need. Tomorrow I will need something, as things are inherently impermanent. The only thing we can rely on is change. May we be there for each other as the world keeps changing. May we defog our mirrors. May we expand our own hearts to include everyone. May we use social media for social action.

To participate in Our Food NYC and the Classon Community Food Project, please find them at

https://ourfood.nyc/

https://linktr.ee/Classon_Community_Fridge

IG- @ourfoodnyc @classon_community_fridge

Googling your local food pantries and shelters is also a great way to help. Information, and need, is everywhere️.

I Note Growth When...

I respond instead of react

I pause before knee jerk engaging

I no longer feel the need to reach out, or feel a tug to do so yet don’t, knowing it’s an outdated inclination that’s left over from old stories

I lessen my judgement or note when I’m judging, which makes said judgement easier to send away

I can find an opening of compassion for those who have wronged me

I stick to my choices to keep those people at arm’s length, while practicing safe forgiveness

I can feel dislike towards someone or something, yet fully know we stand on equal ground as humans of value

Don’t need gossip to connect

Don’t need social media scrolling to fill time

Honor my commitments to myself even when I don’t feel like it

I am able to admit when I have caused another harm, and apologize

I manage my time in a way that aligns with the life I’m creating

I calmly trust in the timing and pacing of the Universe

I understand that all the pain and hardships that have brought me to the present moment were all part of the plan

I tap into inner wisdom or inner joy, with no need for external stimuli

I set an important boundary even when it’s terrifying. I do this because my needs matter

Not getting a certain text or call doesn’t affect my mood or vibration. I am always whole and complete

I can get myself out of the trap of comparison when I fall into it (often)

I see all that’s occurring as part of my tailored curriculum for evolution

I can welcome another perspective

I can manage my preferences

I return to sovereignty and remind myself to act from that space

I give without any transactional incentive

I am not interested in anyone’s behavior but my own

I feel less overwhelmed and calmly deal with the demands of the present without freaking out

I smile when seeing couples being loving and affectionate, instead of my former envious skepticism and resentment

I rest in the present moment, not needing anything to be different

I fully accept others for where they are at

I fully accept myself for where I am at

I love the Now while manifesting the future

I can quiet my mind, saying, “no thank you, not now” to my thoughts

I am ok with making mistakes

I genuinely forgive myself

I can recall old times and clearly chart all my changes, noting decisions I’d make very differently now

I don’t betray myself in order to gain outside approval

I don’t need to explain myself

I am ok not knowing

I feel more open minded and not threatened by different opinions

I speak with calm transparency, not twisting the truth to avoid unpleasantness

I refuse to accept less than I deserve

I can write something like this

Eckhart Tolle

Here are some of my favorite quotes from world renowned spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle. His teachings have profoundly changed my life. When my particular pain body, which is fear, would furiously rush to the surface while I was going through another round of The Dark Night of the Soul, I’d lie awake at night, shaking, and just put on his talks and meditations. “Just lie there and listen”, I’d tell myself. I learned about the pain body and Dark Night from him, and his explanations about my experiences, things I didn’t have the wherewithal or language to understand, started to make sense to me. He helped me understand what felt like an internal nervous breakdown because it indeed was my old system beginning to break down (a gift!). I first learned about the concept of presence from him, and presence is a medicinal and vital practice in leading an emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally healthy life. I heard him speak two years ago in Miami. I flew to see him and I cried as he took the stage. I have spent the past several years relying on Eckhart to remind me of my essence, and to teach me tools to anchor myself. Whenever I’m feeling off, unsettled, or unmoored I listen to his teachings and am instantly soothed. I was supposed to have gone on a retreat to India with him this past January, but alas, covid. Presence is truly a balm for the soul. I’m so much less reactive and rigid, flowing with the rhythms of life with greatly increased ease and faith. If you’re not familiar with Eckhart Tolle, I hope this little post helped if you’re searching for...
As always it’s my privilege to share parts of my journey with you that can hopefully be of service or support. We are all struggling, stumbling, then getting back up. We don’t, and can’t, do it alone. These teachers and masters are here to grab our hands and help us. Seeking them out has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given myself.

Zen Shabbat

I have recently participated in the past two Zen Shabbat events, a wonderful monthly offering from the NYZCCC and Lab Shul. Lab Shul describes themselves as a “god optional community”. I love this because it’s so inclusive. Just because one might be struggling with faith, it doesn’t mean they should feel further alienated and excluded from religion, culture, tradition, and community. I have never struggled with faith, a fact I’m grateful for. Faith is part of my wiring, my upbringing, my history, and my lifestyle. It anchors my fears, fills me with calm and belief, and makes me feel guided and loved by source. Jesus, Hashem, Buddha, Universe, Source, ruach hakodesh (holy spirit); in my opinion it’s all the same. Practices and customs may look different, but the overall goal is the same. Faith, like love, is one of the great unifiers of humanity. There’s a reason people cling to, search for, and struggle with it. Faith is refuge. It is medicine. It is a home for the soul, a balm for our smorgasbord of anxieties. However, every person should have a means to connect even if they don’t align with faith or God. I am a big lover of tradition, and I find a deeply moving quality to practicing certain ancient customs. I also believe that religion is shooting itself in the foot of it doesn’t adapt to the changing needs of modern times. Humanity looks so different today. There must be a place for everyone. Orthodox communities are (slowly) starting to see more inclusion of its gay members, an extremely important and necessary development. Everyone matters and all should be welcome. No God would want any of its creatures to be banned, shamed, or excluded. That makes no sense on any level. What good is religion if we don’t relate to each other with warmth, respect, and dignity?

The more rooted I am in the true essence of my faith, the more expansive my faith practice becomes. Suddenly there is room for all sorts of people, ideas, and rituals. There’s a newfound openness to my spiritual life that feels warm and right. I’ve always been a very curious person; why not extend that to how I approach God? Having observed Shabbat all my life, I can’t say I actually celebrated it. I kept it and enjoyed certain aspects that worked for me. The reading, candle lighting, the meals, the family time, the social aspect. I even enjoy synagogue and prayers. But “celebrating” the meaning of the prayers and rituals kind of didn’t really come up. They didn’t need to since we did them anyway. Classic case of taking the given for granted. At Zen Shabbat each element is so beautifully explained that I have been moved to tears. The blessings and songs are often tweaked to break away from the heteronormative. For example, “King” is now “spirt”. I have no issue with either, and I think it’s great to have different versions to suit modern times and needs. I love that one need not be Jewish to participate. I love that we meditate briefly throughout the service. I love the collaboration between Buddhism and Judaism (one of my zen teachers is Jewish and really honors that). I love that each event focuses on a different way to discuss and celebrate nature. It’s truly a lovely gathering of community and connection, and I’m proud to be able to build on my orthodox knowledge and familiarity. So many people I know regularly get through the blessings and ceremonies with boredom. Much is done by rote. It’s easy for things to not feel special when we do them constantly. Many of my observant friends struggle greatly with feelings of disconnect and a lack of inspiration. Zen Shabbat has afforded me a terrific opportunity to see the old through a new lens. It’s so easy to be able to join via zoom, one of the great gifts of the pandemic. Connection is so much more available than we realize, and it’s life affirming when we are reminded of that. It’s been a joy to deepen my appreciation of Shabbat, and I hope this passes on to my children. For anyone interested, I encourage you to check out dates and times on the Lab Shul website or Instagram. As long as we serve with love and meaning, there’s no wrong way to do it.

Quarantine Feels

It’s tough to write about having gotten through Covid, since I’m intensely aware of the indescribable levels of suffering experienced by so many over this past year. I heard tonight that the death toll has reached around 500,000. It’s gotten to the point where almost everyone knows someone who has been gravely affected by this pandemic. The virus is still such a mystery, though it’s all anyone talks about. It has seeped into every aspect of current life; our lungs, noses, routines, homes, the news, plans, schools, and conversations. The way corona takes hold in each individual body varies tremendously. Some reach for the remote, those less fortunate for a respirator. Isolation can mean staying in one's room for 14 days, or dying in isolation in a hospital Covid unit. I have many friends who have had it. Most were inconvenienced, felt lousy for a few days, then returned to normal. Then again, I indirectly know of many who died. So many people still don’t take it seriously, a baffling and maddening fact on so many levels. I just finished my 14 days of quarantine. I walked outside today for the first time, thrilled to be making tracks in fresh beautiful snow. The crisp air felt so earned and appreciated. Today was the first time in 9 days that I was able to taste anything. I mean ANYTHING. No smell, no taste. The virus binds to molecules in the nose and mouth, which is why wearing a mask properly is of the utmost importance. I was pretty arrogant about not having gotten it this entire time. I got it from a very close friend who unknowingly had it, and boom. Hysteria hit my household. My kids went to stay with their dad, tests were frantically administered to anyone in my home, phone calls made to schools and anyone I had contact with. That first day I spent 9 consecutive hours making such phone calls, sheepishly explaining the dates and circumstances. I felt like a guilty leper. My kids, just beginning winter break, were upset their plans would be ruined. I was actually afraid to tell certain people out of fear of backlash, blame, and “getting in trouble”. It has been an interesting and sad investigation to note that my initial reaction was this dread of getting in trouble, as opposed to showing any measure of self compassion for actually having the virus. That truthfully didn’t occur to me until some close friends said, “Um, you deserve kindness, compassion, and care as well”. There was grief that accompanied my not realizing that on my own, since my programming was (again) blindingly on display. Even if my body thankfully handled it pretty well (I had two flu like days, could breathe just fine, and was able to do yoga most days), I still had a virus that has been killing people for 12 months. Surviving it simply is not a given, and there is definitely a survivor’s guilt that I contemplated a lot. The isolation was at times nice, but was indeed very often genuinely isolating. There were a few days where my abandonment wounding flew to the surface, as I felt really sad and neglected when certain people didn’t check on me. That was really tough, being physically and emotionally alone. Most of my friends did not know, and I avoided speaking to them so as to be able to keep it private. I really wanted to keep any unnecessary hysteria at bay. I humbly learned that this situation requires empathy over hysterics, a lesson I needed to learn. As my son said to me, “mom, it sucks to be in the position of being the one to maybe bring it into the house”. He had been in that position a couple months ago, and I was very hard on him about it. I was glad we were afforded the opportunity to talk it out, and that I was able to apologize to him, even though he did make a social error in judgement. The point is, I have been super careful and I still got it. First and foremost, the response should be care and concern, not blame. I’m fortunate that the worst thing was not being able to taste or smell. I know that could take months, and I almost wept earlier when I was able to taste a nectarine. I think no matter the level we experience Covid, it’s a lesson in the fragility of humanity, as well as impermanence. I did not squander the alone time; I used it for self study and self care. I honored and examined all the feels, especially those of feeling extremely cut off from my children. I felt useless as a mother, and I felt overall like a pariah. What got me through that was indeed kindness and compassion shown by those who knew. It was an important reminder that demonstrating those qualities can be such a balm to anyone suffering. No one gets better with our judgement, but we can help each other along by offering kind presence and genuine care. It’s really all that matters, and it’s the softness that’s what’s remembered long after our sense of taste returns.

Dr. Robert Svoboda – Living with Reality – Ep. 13 – The Mouth is the Gateway to Health with Dr. Scott Blossom – Be Here Now Network 2021

This is one of the greatest talks I’ve ever listened to. Anything I hear from Dr Robert Svoboda, an Ayurvedic doctor and practitioner, truly blows my mind. I have been introduced to him through the Be Here Now network, which I listen to usually weekly. I am endlessly fascinated with the vast interconnection between every single entity on the planet. Our bodies are their own planets, and are so much more complex an intelligent than we understand. This spoke to me on multiple levels, particularly as a colitis patient living in a time where respiration and mouth health is such a focus. I love the marriage between biology and energy, since that is what we are. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

https://beherenownetwork.com/dr-robert-svoboda-living-with-reality-ep-13-the-mouth-is-the-gateway-to-health-with-dr-scott-blossom/

Covid Rage

ARGH!!!! Allow me a covid rant. I. AM. SO. DARN. OVER. THIS. IT. IS. REALLY. ENOUGH.
I know this blog section is often uplifting, empowering, and inspiring (at least I hope so). But I would be inauthentic if I wasn’t honest about my human failings, foibles, feels, and frustrations. I’m beyond sick of this pandemic. It’s been almost a whole year!! How much more can we take?! Right now I have a covid test pending because I was exposed to a friend who wound up testing positive. The ensuing hysteria that took place in my home after I found this out was so stressful. My kids were all understandably flipping out, especially those who are on their school break right now. The domino effect that occurs after one learns that their mailman’s grandmother’s dog’s second cousin had symptoms is indescribably aggravating. One positive test result sends entire communities into tailspin’s. Kids are treated as if they are lepers, and parents are likened to dangerous criminals if their home is known to be the spreader site of origin. The contagious nature of the virus is so out of control. There has never been a greater lesson in the interdependent nature of humanity than this F ing pandemic. I cannot stand the chaos that follows in the aftermath of a positive test result. Life has to immediately stop, all is canceled. Blame, accusations, character assassination are included in the way families and friends talk to, and about, each other. Fear takes over every crevice and corner. I happen to be feeling fine right now, but the different ways the virus takes hold is a terrifying mystery. Some feel lousy for a couple days and get to stay home and watch Netflix. Others die. The virus has no rules. Don’t get me started on the vaccine wars: to take it or not to take it? It’s like we went from arguing about politics and the insane going’s on in Washington, to being divided on whether or not to take a brand new vaccine. I fear for the day where it will be mandatory for travel, concerts, and school attendance. I know so many who haven’t seen their families in a year, and who are really losing it. I admit to being a bit envious of this, since I can’t relate to feeling this way as a child. However, I’d lose my mind if I couldn’t see my own children or grandchildren. All the people tragically dying alone, whether from the virus or not. It’s just such a prolonged, unfair mess. I have single friends who live alone and are climbing the walls from loneliness, and another friend who hasn’t been able to breathe for months, having gotten corona many months ago. I’m sick of feeling like everybody is dangerous, and that everywhere outside my home is a giant Petri dish. I’m so sad about all the business’s that have closed, among them many iconic New York institutions. Le Pain Quotidien??? Century 21??? All the people who have lost all source of income, you can sense the despair. It’s palpable. My eyes are in actual pain from being over zoomed and over screened. People fear one another in whole new ways. My kids are bored, frustrated, and feel so cut off from their friends. I miss eating in restaurants, having a drink in a bar while listening to music, and leaving my house without wearing a paper muzzle. I feel terrible for anyone making a milestone event during this time. You can postpone a wedding, but not a baby’s birth or a bar mitzvah. Yes, we have gotten creative with joy, but we have also been so robbed of so much, namely actual lives. What was a temporary adjustment a year ago, has become a new life with no end in sight. I miss travel. I miss hugs. I miss high fives. I miss seeing people’s faces. I miss having my kids’ friends over without having to ask a million questions about each family’s stance on covid safety. I miss not having to judge other people who are reckless in their approach to the virus. I miss just being without having to always be on high alert. I miss having a lexicon that does not contain the word “quarantine”.
I miss.
I miss.
I miss.
I can’t wrap this one up in a bow. I just need to wallow. Sometimes we just need to allow things to suck and be what they are.

The Crown

Oh man, so many topics to write about. There’s the insanity that took place in the Capital. There’s my intense reactivity to someone in my neighborhood, who considers himself a guru, telling me that Buddhism is idolatry (writing #nojudgement doesn’t not make it a judgement. Also, you’re the furthest thing from Tony Robbins). There’s the comment an ultra orthodox rabbi made, about how the covid vaccine should be avoided because it can turn someone gay. Seriously?? I mean, given the frightening increase in worldwide anti Semitic behavior, do we really need an ignorant, harmful comment like that being aired right now?! Obviously a statement like that is ridiculous, but even if one truly thinks that, perhaps have the clarity of mind to keep such poison to yourself so as to maybe, I don’t know, avoid more synagogues being burned and vandalized. Such a comment is actually what’s called a “chilul Hashem”, a denigration to Hashem, since it’s not what Judaism stands for, which I believe is respect and kindness towards all. Hateful ideas that put down people for their race and sexuality are not what Judaism teaches. There are definitely fanatic fringe groups in every religion who take it upon themselves to distort the ancient teachings, thereby creating terrible divisions. Judaism and religion are actually quite separate, and the Hashem that I believe in loves all His people equally. A comment like this is not only hurtful and cruel to the gay community, but will undoubtedly cause more hatred to be thrown at Jews, so not only was it mean but it was also really selfish and stupid. Think what you want, but please consider the rest of us who are trying to exist peacefully and safely in the world. This was literally the last thing we need right now, or what the world needs.

Which brings me to The Crown, my current Netflix obsession. I did not think I’d like this show, I’d assumed it would bore me. I honestly love it; the history, the human complications in the royal family, the psychological effects being in such positions has on people. This series is so well done, and the acting is phenomenal. Claire Foy especially has given unbelievably heartbreaking humanity to the role of the young queen. She had no idea what hit her. There is so much pain displayed on the face of each family member, and I’m finding the tragedy of it all very raw. We are all just humans innocently born into our individual circumstances, to families and situations we have no control over. Roles are handed to us almost immediately, and we don’t know any different. The royals are people buried underneath these impossibly inhuman roles and expectations, and it’s clear how each and every one of them breaks as a result of that. It creates this very tragic domino effect of one family member unintentionally traumatizing the next, as a result of being completely unseen, unheard, and unknown themselves. There is zero room for thought, emotion, individuality, or opinion. Only duty. It’s a system they did not devise yet must adhere to, and it’s a system that swallows up people to a very sad degree. The concept of roles and stories is present in all our lives. We don’t have to be royals to have been assigned, or to assign, roles to others. Most of us do this all the time, subconsciously. It’s a huge epidemic that creates tremendous sadness, confusion, resentment, and trauma in families, and all types of relationships. When we decide who others need to be in order to fit into our lens of reality, it causes trauma to our loved ones. This reveals itself as innocently in us describing our children. “She’s my student”, “he’s my creative one”. As parents we think we are helping our kids define themselves, and though we don’t admit it, grasp for a means of control over the various players in our own stories by assigning them characteristics. Whenever we decide who someone else is, and how they fit into life, it’s death. And we do this even to those we love the most. This is why therapists will never go hungry; this kind of family system births an endless pain. When we choose the identity for others, we rob them of the freedom to choose for themselves. Kids, hoping to please or piss off their parents, will either dutifully play into their role or do the opposite. Both paths lead to resentment. It’s so depressing to be so unknown, and to feel like the people around you have so little faith in you, to the point where they have to decide who you need to be. It’s amazing, both the archetypal favorite child and the one labeled the problem both hate their roles. Once we are locked into any kind of narrative, it’s a huge amount of pressure to keep up the act. Most people live their whole lives this way, assigning and accepting roles, continuing a painful cycle for generations. I once heard a therapist give a talk. She was telling a story about how a mother lovingly told her daughter that giving birth to her was the best day of her life. A compliment, right? The daughter responded with, “thanks a lot for pinning the best day of your life on me!” There is such pressure in being responsible for the best days of another’s life. In my recent dating experience, almost every single guy I have met has articulated that they felt emotionally responsible for their mothers, which led to each of their marriage choices to their ex wives. Some recreated the mother son dynamic by marrying emotionally erratic women, and some went the opposite route by marrying women who seemed very even keeled, which masked oceans of avoidance and dissociative denial. Bottom line, we are all fucked up and most of us are really trying our best. But when our best comes from a very flawed and misunderstood model, we are given very limited tools to work with. And so the cycle continues, as I’m watching with the generations on The Crown. There was one episode in particular about a college age Prince Charles that had me sobbing. Spoiler alerts, btw. Charles, who the world associates with coldness, Diana, and comments about Camilla’s tampons (roles we’ve chosen for him. We don’t know him!!), was shipped to Wales to mend relations. He is shown as having been a quiet, shy, and sensitive boy who was grossly mishandled by his parents. He had a very lonely, sad childhood. His father, cruel and disappointed in Charles’s nature, threatened to leave Elizabeth unless she agreed to send the boy to this miserable school in Scotland. In that particular episode, Elizabeth, as a young mother, wanted to do right by her child and put him in the correct environment that would suit his nature. At that point in her life she was trying. But her husband waved divorce over her head, had been publicly cheating on her, and quite simply, she was afraid. It’s a whole tangle of each player trying to stay alive in the stories written for them. By the time the college episode comes, Elizabeth has become so hardened as a mother. Her cruelty and coldness towards her son was tough to watch. All maternal love had been sniffed out. He expresses his need for individuality, in having an opinion. He pleads. She clearly tells him “no one wants to hear it”. It was devastating watching this child beg his mother to see him, and watching as she turns her back. Charles did his task by mending relations with Wales, and did so by showing the Welsh respect and sensitivity. This was hugely criticized by the queen, because he broke protocol. He stepped out of his role, even though he accomplished what was needed. Watching how lonely and discarded he was, it was heartbreaking. And so the cycle keeps on, for all of us, as our narratives become more important than the people drowning in them.

Look at all the narratives of the world; sexual, social, political, social, racial, spiritual. They are so destructive. It’s like this roiling cauldron of preconceived notions. None of us chose to participate in that, yet somehow here we all are. All of us. It’s such important work to be acutely mindful of how we hurt both ourselves and others in role taking and giving. Why do humans feel they need them so much?

How have you been hurt by a role or narrative placed on you? How can you understand the history of why you were given said role? Diving into this gives us a better understanding of how we inflict the same thing onto others. Loving well is a skill. It takes practice. One of the most worthwhile things we can practice is to be honest with all of the narratives we also give, so that we can make loving more free and flexible.
Love isn’t a fixed idea.
What has us so afraid of people coloring outside our lines?

What a wonderful world

This post is definitely bringing the holiday cheese, but it’s truly how I’m feeling at this very moment. It’s Sunday night, and I’m coming off of a packed day with the kids. We haven’t been so out of the house in almost a year, and damn, it felt good. Normally this time of year is spent wrapping up our travel plans for winter break. This year is the first time where we will be home for the kids’ vacation. They’re understandably bummed about it. They have grueling dual curriculum schedules, can’t really hang with their friends, and can’t really go places. With the new strain of the virus now spreading in New York, I have increased stringencies. I truly feel for children across the world. Their craving for socializing is healthy and natural, and this pandemic has demanded so much from them. I am fine staying home this vacation. I attribute that largely to mindfulness practice, but also because home for me is a place to practice music and create via various mediums. It’s a place of enjoyment and expansion.  It’s also where I work out and take care of my body, relax, read, binge watch good tv, blog, and feel held in my space. I genuinely like being home. I love when my kids have zoom days; it’s been nice having them around. There were many years in which I recall very clearly not being this comfortable and fulfilled in my space. Those were hard times, and that is a very common feeling, especially among women. I also recall times where feeling trapped inside would have driven me insane, which points to me having needed to feel in control. When we feel stuck it is a direct invitation to investigate the origin of that. The answers are different for everyone. Presence and mindfulness practice have greatly enhanced my adaptability; I have become practiced in flipping my perspective, regulating my nervous system, and accepting what is directly in front of me.

Santosha is the Sanskrit word for contentment. In zen, the teaching is to be with what is, without drowning in the negative or positive emotions associated with the current experience. To feel all the feels without a strong attachment to them. Eckhart Tolle teaches presence in the way of asking if we are conjuring up past troubles or future worries; most often, a turbulent mind fogs up the okay ness of the present. Mooji would teach acceptance by emphasizing that we are not our personhood, but rather the limitless, unwavering essence that is entirely separate from the human body mind. Obviously I’m oversimplifying all of this, but learning this information over the years has no doubt strengthened my ability to be more present and flexible. There were many years where I’d have been complaining endlessly at not being able to take a winter vacation. I needed the predictability, something to look forward to, and the distraction of planning, packing, and worrying. I also recall feeling at one point a scary level of awareness about all that.  It was unsettling to realize that I needed a trip that badly. Why wasn’t I as satisfied being home? Yes, a change of scene and routine is important for obvious reasons. But I’m referring to a general feeling of discontentment that almost every woman (and man) I know struggles with, but that a tiny handful are willing to admit. Those that can admit this are my tribe. When we are out of alignment within ourselves, for whatever the reason, we are disconnected to our surroundings. Therefore, it’s not the trip one needs; it’s the escape. And that escape is extremely temporary. It’s a whole lot of money and planning spent not just on a vacation, but potentially on an illusion. Travel is incredible. I can’t wait to get back to it, believe me. But as my grandfather used to say, “it’s good to go away and it’s good to come back”. He was a Holocaust survivor who I’m sure loved every free day of his life. Home, away, it was all good. If we can’t be content in our own homes, beings, and lives, that’s a major sign that demands attention and a kind curiosity. It’s scary, it can open a Pandora’s box for a lot of people. But, exploring that can lead to very important shifts in living. The box stays closed, you coast. The box opens, you live. The choice is always there. 

Taking it back to the top, I had such a great day today. We spent it doing classic New York holiday activities, ones that we wouldn’t have done had I been in a packing frenzy. Ice skating at Rockefeller Center, walking around the new FAO Schwartz, and the spectacular Bronx Zoo holiday light exhibit. I felt warm and appreciative all day, and no plane or suitcase was needed. This isn’t revolutionary, but find me someone who doesn’t need reminders to enjoy and appreciate what’s right under their nose. I love New York. People from all over the world flock here during holiday season. We LIVE in one of the most famous vacation destinations on Earth. When Trump said during one of the presidential debates this year that New York “would never recover”, I was livid. What a horrible thing to say, as leader, to your citizens. That their beloved home, one of the prides of this country, is shot to shit. How disheartening, depressing, and discouraging. It was a terrible thing to say, and he was wrong (duh). All day today I thought, New York is still kicking ass and being a place where there is so much enjoyment to be found. I haven’t been to Rockefeller center in years, nor the Bronx Zoo. I’d certainly never been to the incredible light show. And it’s all right here as it’s always been. I just needed to shift my focus to finding joy in what’s already here. 
The music at the ice rink was great, so too at the light show. It was so festive and cheerful. Old fashioned enjoyment in a world that’s always reaching for more and more modern technology. The grasping never ends, but mindfulness really helps with that. “What a Wonderful World” was playing as my kids happily skated around. Kids need so much less than we think they do, and the same goes for healthy adults. Enjoying traditional holiday pastimes today was priceless and warm, and the lyrics touched me deeply. 

And I thought to myself, what a wonderful world indeed.

Let’s Talk Beyoncé

So this is in response to something I storied about this week, in regard to my occasionally hearing that I seem to have it easy. A friend once actually did say, “you make it look so easy”, and I have heard variations of this over the years. On the one hand it’s a compliment, but on the flip side it can feel like I’m seen as putting up a front, as well as leaving me feeling quite unseen emotionally. I have never been one to exist in a space of denial or hide my feelings. Since I began the blog, I have certainly been as open as possible (while maintaining my privacy and boundaries) about numerous challenges and struggles. So it was objectively curious to me to ponder why despite my openness, it still comes across as if I’m sailing through life. I truly appreciate these remarks, I know they are intended to acknowledge some sort of grace, strength, and competence. That really means a lot, given all the challenges I have indeed endured. I can absorb the compliment because nothing about my life is fraudulent. Whether you know me from here or in my life as a closer relationship, I believe I’m known for my honesty and transparency. I have always been told I tell it like it is, a phrase that makes me wary; if “telling it like it is” is noteworthy, it can’t be that common. So too with me being told I’m “Out of the box”. Again, why is the typical life “in” the box? Shouldn’t everyone be “out”?

I have gone down a Beyoncé rabbit hole lately during those addictive Instagram scrolls. She is a true soul force of womanhood, creativity, power, feminism, femininity, beauty, and crazy courage. She performed live with Prince at the age of 22. She is an extraordinary talent who is clearly gifted with brains, looks, nutso vocal ability, and wild rhythm. She is also known for being the hardest working woman in the music industry. Yes, she has all these extraordinary gifts, but she also has extraordinary discipline, commitment, work ethic, and vision. She is a mix of natural god given gifts, and the dedication to honing them. By doing so it is clear she takes nothing about her craft for granted. I have seen her perform three times. What she emits can blow your mind. Looking at her it is very easy to think it’s, well, easy. Gorgeous face, gorgeous voice, gorgeous body, infinite money, a beautiful family. She’s got it all. Plus, she seems like a genuinely awesome person and mother. We don’t pay much attention to the unfathomable work and discipline that goes into what makes her life seem so amazing, even though there have been documentaries and numerous interviews in which she seems pretty darn honest. Take her album “Lemonade”. It was about an alleged affair Jay Z had, the pain and rage it caused her, the heartbreak and confusion, and the ass kicking strength she used to piece herself back together. It doesn’t get more honest than this, and yet the impression is that everything is perfect. It’s widely known that her father, with whom she was very close, fathered a child out of wedlock. Bey has been through plenty of shit, including a painful miscarriage. And this is just what we know. To clarify, I am NOT comparing myself to Queen Bey. However, as I mentioned in my story, I too have a level of honesty that is both rare and therefore seen as courageous. Unfortunately, most people are so petrified to be truthful about themselves, their lives, their crushed hopes, their foibles, and their vulnerabilities, their depressions and disappointments. So much gets hidden, ignored, and covered up under the guise of “ease” and “perfection”. Ironically, no one discerning buys this act. I have learned that dishonesty always reveals itself. It seeps out through the cracks, and is seen in how people age physically, behave emotionally, and interact energetically. Putting up that easy breezy front is exhausting. It zaps all of one’s energy. I know many people like this, and almost all of them have a major physical ailment. They look terrible. They might not be talking, but their bodies are. Being bold and honest is a much easier way to live. Secrecy is far more difficult. It eats away at, and corrodes, everything. Being truthful indeed requires bravery and a certain level of confidence. I believe it’s chiefly those two things that make a life look easy. So the question really isn’t , “why is my life so easy?” but really, “what about the way you may be living is causing you such inner hardship?” Again, the easy or difficult energy originates from within. It has very little to do with externals. Beyonce matches her external gifts with an insane amount of inner strength and power. She is aligned. Alignment feels easy because it’s truth.

Although Beyoncé is a far more interesting subject than me, I suspect you’re here because I am somewhat of interest to you (thanks!!). I can tell you that I have always been a positive person who has made, or really tried, to make the best of things. This is due to my nature, innate composition, as well as it being a coping skill. Granted a productive coping skill, but a coping skill nonetheless. I have always found great joy in many things throughout my life, have always been a hard worker, and have always been one who loves to have fun. I’m not shy, feel comfortable in social situations, and have the gift of gab. I have really always found ways to enjoy my life. I adore being a mother, love to cook, laugh, write, and dance. However, anyone who thinks divorce is easy is ignorant. My difficult family history is well documented, especially by me on this platform. I have had a chronic auto immune disease since I’m 13. And those are just a couple of examples of really hard things. No life is without hardship. It’s how we deal with it that determines our aura and quality of life. I take keeping my vibration high very seriously. I fiercely believe in the powers of manifestation, which can only be done from an open space of presence and gratitude. I listen often to Abraham Hicks, one of the leading teachers on this. I listen, I process, and I practice. I falter then get back on the horse. By doing this I have learned to trust myself, my process, and particularly Source/God. When we know we are being held, life really is much easier. It’s like this set of magical training wheels that are permanently attached to the cycle of life. Believing this, and believing it more and more since I committed to the most actualized version of myself, has indeed led to increasing inner ease. This feeling of trust, ease, and surrender is what invites blessings into our lives. We have to be in a state of receptivity, which comes from knowing we deserve it. I did not always know I deserved it. It took decades to learn that, and to unlearn what was stopping me from believing it. It is so much easier to go with the flow of life now that I know that. The goal is never to live an easy life. That’s a recipe for failure because it’s impossible. The first of the four noble Buddhist truths is that life includes suffering. But when we meet our suffering with acceptance, radical honesty, trust, and are able to locate a small spark of joy amidst the rubble, then we have hit a sweet spot.
Oh, and laugh whenever you can. Laughter is easy.