Whom We Leave Behind As We Evolve

This is such a powerful topic, one I had no idea was even a thing. My learned conditioning to stay with whomever was in my life, no matter what, was so deeply ingrained. I have often touched upon this idea in the way of cutting out toxic relationships and dynamics that are draining, depleting, destructive, and unhealthy. In a case such as this it’s more cut and dry. I firmly believe that aside from our children, anyone else needs to earn a place in our precious lives. Friends, romantic partners, and most family is a choice. Those we invite into our very important lives are meant to enhance our existence. I like people, I always have. I don’t believe “people suck”. Point being, I want to be able to truly enjoy my peeps, and for them to benefit from me as well. All healthy relationships have a bedrock of reciprocity. We know when someone feels bad or good to us on an inner level. When we ignore that knowing and stick to those who make our inner teacher cringe, it’s a form of self betrayal. Self betrayal automatically comes attached to the shame that we have let ourselves down. We can go down the rabbit hole of berating ourselves, faulting ourselves, and getting trapped in self blame. This is all very normal. Doing things, and being with people, that aren’t good for us are choices we make unconsciously out of habit and learned training. We get attached to stories about why we can’t move on; they’re my family, I’ve known her for so long, I’m scared to be without this person etc (insert excuse here). Conscious awareness is the key to reconnecting with our patterning, our inner wisdom, and our freedom to choose. This is a freedom we really do possess. It’s the freedom seen in an uninhibited child. It’s in us all and over time it gets covered in the dust and fog of the stories we are told from our parents, caregivers, teachers, religion, and environments. Included in this are things we learn from all forms of media and entertainment. Ideas like “you can’t, you should, you must” are always on repeat. Our birthright of freedom and choice becomes more and more foreign to us over time. It becomes extremely hard to access at all, and it takes massive amounts of unlearning to regain our sovereign right to choose and feel free in doing so.

After many years of feeling utter despair in being tethered to so many people, I reached the point several years ago where I began to protect myself by removing anyone from my life that did not align with the new version of Me. That was many versions ago, and I have become more selective in all ways. Just as it feels bad to be out of control in our unconscious choices in whom we spend time with, it feels rather good to be in control of the conscious decisions to keep the company we desire. It all begins with deep awareness of how we react to those in our presence. Am I relaxed, joyful, breathing openly, laughing, connecting? Or is my breathing constructed, chest tight, and filled with dread at seeing this person? Paying attention to the physical messages my body was sending was essential in learning my reactivity. The first question Koshin, my zen Buddhist teacher, asks me in our weekly meetings is, “how’s your breathing right now?” Breath is everything. How we are doing it tells us so much. It’s constantly changing as our moods and thoughts jump around like unhinged kangaroos. It wants to work with you and help you come back to yourself. Regular breath awareness and breath work transformed my life. It helps me regulate my nervous system. When it’s free flowing, I picture it as a golden mist filling my insides and seeping out through my pores. This golden mist is love. You all have it. It comes from within. It’s always there even if it feels inaccessible. I pause, remind myself it’s there, and locate it again and again. Life, and breathing, is a constant dance of expansion and contraction. Contraction isn’t a failure. It’s a message to return to expansion. I hope my life ultimately contains more widening than shrinking. None of us were born to play small, and it’s the people in our lives who are meant to help us on our journey of expansion.

What made me write this post was a text convo I had yesterday with an old friend. This was a very close friend, one of my best, for a whole decade. I told him all my secrets, saw him regularly, and took his advice on pretty much everything. He was definitely a type of security blanket in that his presence was a constant. We had great laughs together, deep talks, and truly enjoyed each other’s company. Due to an insane set of circumstances that had nothing to do with me, I had to end our time together. It was at a very specific time in my personal life, and ending our (platonic) relationship was a matter of self preservation and protection. I did this over the phone since in person would have been way too hard. I did not offer an explanation. I could tell he was shocked and upset but tried to act indifferent. I expected this. He later told me how devastating this was for him, and I appreciated the rare glimpse of emotional honesty. Choosing that this person and I could no longer continue was terrifying to me. A wise friend who knew the bizarre details shoved me off the cliff, the cliff I knew I need to jump off of but couldn’t. I needed her to tell me what to do, and to tell me I would more than survive this. My attachment and affection for this person was strong, I was reliant on him in so many ways. This is one of the ways in which we need our people. We need them to be radically honest, especially when it’s something we are afraid to hear. Support isn’t unconditional agreement, that’s enabling. It often sounds like, “I love you and you need to hear this. BECAUSE I love you I’m going to say it”. We need our peeps when our lens is too clogged up with our feelings to see straight. Our brain chemistry, when unaligned, distorts our vision to a staggering degree.

This person and I are still sporadically in touch. Yesterday he reached out, we caught up a bit, and while it was nice, there were things revealed even in the brief text exchange that gave me full clarity that he and I are simply not on the same wavelength. He’s exactly where he was and I am not. Those that feel really right to us operate on the same energetic frequency that we do. I smiled warmly as I realized, possibly for the first time, that I can hold an affectionate place for him while knowing we just don’t match up anymore. We leave behind all sorts of things as we grow, people included. As I learned from this, this need not mean these are toxic, messed up people. They can be good and they may love us. For me, this was a revelation that as I flow forth with the ever changing currents of life, I can edit with fondness. I can say goodbye to someone I like and whom I wish well. The growth here was clear, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that what had happened years ago, resulting in the end of our relationship, was the universe itself kicking me off that aforementioned cliff. It was a direct message that the old version of me that had been so attached to his energy was ready to die. He wasn’t going to be joining my new self. It’s amazing when we can so clearly see the dots connecting in our favor. Fog lifted, direction clear, support felt, all reminders that our path is safe.

The point of this post is this: it’s hard enough, though way more obvious, to eliminate those who make us feel like shit. When we realize we can do that it’s like, “don’t let the door hit you on the way out”. It feels good to choose to stay away from what feels bad, yes? However, what I learned is that we can keep moving on from certain dynamics and relationships even if we are deeply fond of someone. We can look back and smile, say hello every so often, appreciate it for what it was, and be perfectly content with what it is. It’s not trite or cheesy to say that the most important relationship you have is with yourself. It’s the truth. As we go through various stages, chapters, and shedding, as we are meant to, not everyone will stay with us. Most won’t. To say goodbye gracefully and peacefully means we know it’s the right move. Grace and peace don’t often come with goodbyes, but it sure is nice when they do.