Quarantine Feels

It’s tough to write about having gotten through Covid, since I’m intensely aware of the indescribable levels of suffering experienced by so many over this past year. I heard tonight that the death toll has reached around 500,000. It’s gotten to the point where almost everyone knows someone who has been gravely affected by this pandemic. The virus is still such a mystery, though it’s all anyone talks about. It has seeped into every aspect of current life; our lungs, noses, routines, homes, the news, plans, schools, and conversations. The way corona takes hold in each individual body varies tremendously. Some reach for the remote, those less fortunate for a respirator. Isolation can mean staying in one's room for 14 days, or dying in isolation in a hospital Covid unit. I have many friends who have had it. Most were inconvenienced, felt lousy for a few days, then returned to normal. Then again, I indirectly know of many who died. So many people still don’t take it seriously, a baffling and maddening fact on so many levels. I just finished my 14 days of quarantine. I walked outside today for the first time, thrilled to be making tracks in fresh beautiful snow. The crisp air felt so earned and appreciated. Today was the first time in 9 days that I was able to taste anything. I mean ANYTHING. No smell, no taste. The virus binds to molecules in the nose and mouth, which is why wearing a mask properly is of the utmost importance. I was pretty arrogant about not having gotten it this entire time. I got it from a very close friend who unknowingly had it, and boom. Hysteria hit my household. My kids went to stay with their dad, tests were frantically administered to anyone in my home, phone calls made to schools and anyone I had contact with. That first day I spent 9 consecutive hours making such phone calls, sheepishly explaining the dates and circumstances. I felt like a guilty leper. My kids, just beginning winter break, were upset their plans would be ruined. I was actually afraid to tell certain people out of fear of backlash, blame, and “getting in trouble”. It has been an interesting and sad investigation to note that my initial reaction was this dread of getting in trouble, as opposed to showing any measure of self compassion for actually having the virus. That truthfully didn’t occur to me until some close friends said, “Um, you deserve kindness, compassion, and care as well”. There was grief that accompanied my not realizing that on my own, since my programming was (again) blindingly on display. Even if my body thankfully handled it pretty well (I had two flu like days, could breathe just fine, and was able to do yoga most days), I still had a virus that has been killing people for 12 months. Surviving it simply is not a given, and there is definitely a survivor’s guilt that I contemplated a lot. The isolation was at times nice, but was indeed very often genuinely isolating. There were a few days where my abandonment wounding flew to the surface, as I felt really sad and neglected when certain people didn’t check on me. That was really tough, being physically and emotionally alone. Most of my friends did not know, and I avoided speaking to them so as to be able to keep it private. I really wanted to keep any unnecessary hysteria at bay. I humbly learned that this situation requires empathy over hysterics, a lesson I needed to learn. As my son said to me, “mom, it sucks to be in the position of being the one to maybe bring it into the house”. He had been in that position a couple months ago, and I was very hard on him about it. I was glad we were afforded the opportunity to talk it out, and that I was able to apologize to him, even though he did make a social error in judgement. The point is, I have been super careful and I still got it. First and foremost, the response should be care and concern, not blame. I’m fortunate that the worst thing was not being able to taste or smell. I know that could take months, and I almost wept earlier when I was able to taste a nectarine. I think no matter the level we experience Covid, it’s a lesson in the fragility of humanity, as well as impermanence. I did not squander the alone time; I used it for self study and self care. I honored and examined all the feels, especially those of feeling extremely cut off from my children. I felt useless as a mother, and I felt overall like a pariah. What got me through that was indeed kindness and compassion shown by those who knew. It was an important reminder that demonstrating those qualities can be such a balm to anyone suffering. No one gets better with our judgement, but we can help each other along by offering kind presence and genuine care. It’s really all that matters, and it’s the softness that’s what’s remembered long after our sense of taste returns.