A Light Unto Other Nations

The amount of hatred that has risen from the shadows of the world, has been nothing short of staggering. As the granddaughter of Holocaust survivors, I am surprised that I’m surprised. Having grown up constantly (and I mean nonstop) discussing the horrors of the Holocaust and anti Semitic behavior, it would make sense that I expect it. One one hand, part of me does, and I have spent countless hours (years?) theorizing why Jews are so hated, blamed, and deserving of the hateful bile the world throws at us. Defending us will never be cool. Muting for us on social media will never be on trend. Rappers, pro athletes, musicians, actors, government officials, and my favorite; college professors, seem to have unlimited license to disparage us, blame us for the world’s ills, and stay silent as we are continuously attacked, blown up, gassed, shot, beat up, and threatened. Self proclaimed warriors of social justice who “fight for peace”, are themselves mute when it comes to condemning anti Semitic acts. Helpful hint; if you are one who needs to self proclaim anything, you’re most likely trying to convince yourself. Genuine people don’t need to work to fill a role, since they’re too busy legitimately walking the walk. Perhaps my favorite social justice warrior samurai move, is where they flip our own painful history on us by comparing us to Hitler and Nazis (which is ironic because such a comparison is Hitler’s worst nightmare. Cue grave rolling). There is no other race I can think of where this would be considered acceptable. Imagine taking any group of people that had suffered tremendously, and drawing comparisons between the victims and their oppressors. Kim Kardashian got slammed for wearing cornrows. SLAMMED, and she’s a wife and mother to African Americans. If a hairstyle can be deemed offensive due to it being seen as cultural appropriation, how is it ok to condone gas chamber t shirts? By the way, if said hairstyle is an area of sensitivity, then I completely respect that. It is any group’s right to own their pain. We don’t have to understand it to abide by it. Sensitivity, kindness, and respect are essential parts to any relationship. We must sacrifice our own egos for the sake of any healthy relational dynamic. My point is, is that if the world is now focused on how people are offending via hair, it makes no sense to turn a blind eye to actual evil, dangerous, threatening, and hateful acts of vandalism and murder. Let’s just say we have horns and tails, are akin to vermin, have caused all the world’s financial problems, and are the reason the Middle East isn’t yet a peaceful, utopian society. Does that mean it’s ok to shoot us, blow us up, destroy our places of worship, run us over while we are trying to light a menorah, or deface Anne Frank?? How does disliking us justify what you see below, which is a drop in the bucket. Are our children deserving of threats and attack? You don’t have to like me, that’s your choice and karma. If you want to spend your precious life weighed down by darkness, go for it. But don’t use your own feelings as an excuse to dissolve into a vengeful demon and harm others. It’s simply a recipe for failure on a “people” level. Liking? Optional. Actively harming? Nope, not acceptable. Silence while others actively harm? Just as bad (where’s your bullhorn now? Out of batteries?).

So while one part of me, admittedly the Jewish part, has come to expect anti semitism, the soul part of me is still taken aback. The soul is only love. It is pure, innocent, complete, and unsullied. It cannot relate to hurting others, and so it’s blindsided by evil. I am deeply grateful to be a human who does not want to hurt others. I really don’t and never have. I truly want to help. I take my job as a human being seriously, and the more I uncover my soul force, the more driven I am to contribute positively. Each time I’ve experienced an opening personally, I have felt it directly connect to how I want to exist in the world at large. Included in that is my discomfort with the notion that Jews are the Chosen People. It feels elitist and separatist, and sounds like we are better than everyone else. It is a story we and the rest of the world seem to need to cling to in order to explain both sides of the argument: why we have outlived insane amounts of genocide and persecution, thereby having more staying power than so many of the mighty, advanced nations that have died out, and why we make anti semites so uncomfortable. They cannot fathom our survival, our thriving, and our commitment to living. We must be chosen in order for any of this to make sense. If we are chosen by a higher power, rendering us untouchable, the world can do and say whatever they want, right? FYI, even if you personally aren’t vandalizing Anne Frank or making Auschwitz jokes, that doesn’t mean you aren’t anti Semitic. It just blows my mind that in a year in which accusations of hatred and racism were thrown around, the subject of Jewish hatred hasn’t made the approved list of what’s necessary and important to talk about. The only word for it is hypocrisy.

However, and for me this is a big “however”, we have a choice. As always, we have a choice as to what we are going to do with hate. We have agency and power in deciding how to respond to anti Semitism. Can it go away? Of course. Likely? Sadly, no. Humans, unless they are at peace and at one with their sovereignty, will instinctively look for a scapegoat. Jews are the go to scapegoat, and have been throughout history (make up your minds; are we disposable vermin or powerful magicians?). Hurt people hurt people. This is a fact. And unfortunately most people walk around filled with their own pain, and exist in their own individual hellscape. Unless people heal themselves on an inner level and work to free themselves from hating themselves, hatred towards others will remain. This is the human predicament, and I can only control my own response to hatred, violence, and fear. The Hebrew term “or la goyim” translates to us tasked with being “a light unto other nations”. I wasn’t comfortable with this either, because it too felt elitist. However, during our Festival of Lights, in which we were mercilessly attacked for simply celebrating our story of survival, I have come to frame it differently. Jews have always lit menorahs as symbols of light, to serve as tangible reminders that light can illuminate the blackest darkness. One light is more powerful than an army of dark forces. One light as a beacon for a ship that’s been tossed about on dark, violent seas. One fire to warm a family that’s been cold for so long. One match is indeed a miracle to anyone needing heat, direction, and light. For all of us, slipping into darkness is much easier than returning to the light that is our nature. I was so inspired by all I heard and read, from our rabbis and leaders in response to these despicable acts during Chanukah. Each one said that we must not let the darkness of hatred overcome the light of love and strength. We must show that there is another way, no matter what is being thrown at us. This is the Buddhist way as well, and the way of Christ. Love must be stronger than fear, and fear is what gives rise to hate. I now understand “or la goyim” as an opportunity to demonstrate the human capacity to live by this principle. Not because we are better, but because we can. Somehow, against all odds, Jews have tapped into that. THIS is why we have survived, not because we control the banking system. You can choose to hate me, and I can choose to respond with light. I don’t have to like you, but I refuse to add more hatred to this world. I can choose to love the inner light we all share. We will always be bound by soul force, whether we know it or not. I know what internal path I have to take regardless of external circumstances.

May the light of my inner teacher continue to guide me in my actions, thoughts, words, and deeds. May that be so for all of humanity. If we can breathe we can choose.

How to Write a Forgiveness Letter // Ten Percent Weekly

I was sitting down to write this week’s Inspire post, and decided to check my email first. This was the first email I saw. I know that my writings on hurt and forgiveness are some of my most popular topics, since it’s something every single one of us struggles greatly with. I have Buddhist teachers who even after studying and practicing for decades, still have a very hard time with forgiveness. Forgiveness is like all other human dances in duality. We are meant to be born and to die, to be small babies who become tall adults, to laugh and to cry, to take in food then eliminate it, and to sleep and wake up, just to name a few of an infinite number of examples. We exist in an often very confusing and overwhelming world of juxtapositions and opposites. Perhaps the biggest, most underlying one is that we were created to live with an open heart, yet we are constantly contracting, closing our hearts in response to pain and hurt. It feels so heavy mentally, physically, and emotionally because we aren’t meant to carry around closed hearts that trap pain inside. That’s why release feels so good; because just as we are designed to instinctively close up to protect ourselves from hurt, so too are we designed to pry ourselves back open again. It’s really the only way to liberate ourselves from those heavy chains. I know that forgiveness is scary and frustrating, when we see it from a place of condoning the actions of others. Personally, I have realized recently that early on, I had to learn to condone, excuse, and rationalize the hurtful actions of others as a survival skill. That made me sad, though I welcome the awareness. I know that forgiveness can feel like throwing ourselves to the wolves, but it can really be done on a very private level. The one who hurt you never has to know about the steps you are taking to free yourself from past pain. I thought this letter writing idea would be helpful to many of you. You can do it on your own time, in your own safe space, and no one else ever has to know. It’s something you can try over and over until it starts to feel organic, and tiny cracks in the armor around your heart start to reveal themselves. I suggest burning the letter after you’ve written it, as a symbolic gesture of burning away the past. One thing I have a hard time with is the “they tried their best”. I don’t buy that; it’s very easy to cause massive amounts of emotional destruction, then shirk yourself of any accountability by throwing up your hands, declaring, “I (we) tried our best!”. Sorry, that doesn’t feel authentic to me at all. It feels extremely dismissive and easy to claim, which only compounds the wounding. What I have been able to say though is, “they hurt me terribly. They did not try their best. But I forgive them anyway to free myself from the past”. I want my Present. I want my Future. I don’t want my Past keeping me from the greatness that is both now and still to come. Forgiveness is one of the most important things you can commit to giving yourself. Don’t rush it, but gently and consistently work on it. You deserve the highest quality of life, and an open heart is needed for that. You can do this because contraction and expansion is our emotional makeup. Fight for your expansion every single day of your life. Please remember to write letters of forgiveness to yourselves as well, if there is shame and guilt you need to work through. We all have things to forgive ourselves for, and many of us are truly trying our best. We all live with shame. We have let ourselves and others down. It hurts. We can learn and liberate simultaneously.

Let’s crawl out from those dark spaces together.
Dear Reader, You got this. Love, Me

Ten Percent Weekly
December 20, 2020 // ISSUE 180

Writing a Forgiveness Letter

by Sonja Lyubomirsky
 

2020 is, at last, almost over. With the turning of the new year, many of us are looking for ways to renew ourselves, even if we can't celebrate in the usual way with our friends or extended families. One way to let go of grudges and resentment, even if you can't do so in person, is to write (but not send) a forgiveness letter.

Now, psychologists who study forgiveness use a definition that differs a bit from the popular one. Forgiveness is not reconciliation—that is, it does not necessarily involve the re-establishment of the relationship with the transgressor. Forgiveness also does not mean excusing or explaining away the offense. And "forgive and forget" is a misnomer. It doesn't work that way.

The most important aspect of forgiveness is that it is something that you do for yourself and not for the person who has wronged you. Empirical research has revealed that forgiving others makes us less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic. We are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene. We are better able to move on. In empirical studies, people who forgave others felt a greater sense of control over their thoughts, less sadness and anger, and less reactivity in terms of their physiological stress responses (such as lower heart rate, lower blood pressure, and less furrowed brows). In other words, the bodies of participants who practiced empathy and forgiveness experienced less stress, and yours could too.

Easy to say. But forgiveness can be extremely challenging to carry out. That's why I've taught many of my students to write—but not send—a forgiveness letter. Here's how to do it.

1. Imagine Empathy

The first step is to imagine what forgiveness might feel like. Identify a particular person whom you blame for mistreating or offending you. And then, perhaps in the context of meditation or simply on your own time, engage in an imaginative exercise, during which you imagine empathizing with the offender and granting him or her forgiveness. Trying to feel empathy involves viewing the situation through the offender's eyes and ears, seeing them as a whole person rather than defined solely by the offending behavior. Again, this does not mean excusing or tolerating the offender's behavior; try not to get caught in questions of right and wrong. Instead, it's about letting go of your hurt, anger, and hostility and, for your own benefit, adopting a more charitable and benevolent perspective.

2. Embody Forgiveness

Next, as you imagine yourself granting this person forgiveness, turn toward your own thoughts and feelings. If you've trained in mindfulness, this should be familiar territory. When you imagine yourself forgiving this person, what emotions do you feel? What does your facial expression look like? Which physical sensations arise in your body? Try to experience these sensations in the exercise, even if it feels you are faking it. The more embodied your experience of forgiveness is, the more likely it is to have real and lasting impact.

3. Write the Letter

After the imagination phase, actually sit down and write a forgiveness letter to this person. Describe in detail the injury or offense that was done to you. Illustrate how you were affected by it at the time and how you continue to be hurt by it. State what you wish the other person had done instead. End with an explicit statement of forgiveness and understanding (e.g., "I realize now that what you did was the best you could at the time, and I forgive you").

Here are some real-life examples I have come across from a variety of people who have successfully forgiven using this approach:

I forgive my father for his alcoholism.

I forgive my freshman writing teacher for telling me that I couldn't write.

I forgive my boyfriend for not being there for me when I got depressed.

I forgive the guy who rear-ended my car.

I forgive my wife for having an affair.

I forgive my brother for humiliating me in public.

I forgive my friend for using me.

The second one is mine.
You may have a hard time writing the forgiveness letter. You may believe that the act is unforgivable or that the person doesn't deserve to be forgiven or that you are too overwhelmed by negative emotions about the event even to begin to think about letting it go. If this is the case, put the letter aside, and try again in a few days. Or perhaps choose another person (or act) to forgive, one that is a bit less painful; starting with an "easy" forgiveness exercise might be best. You can move on to more and more difficult cases with time.

4. Do not send!

After you've written the letter, see if you can let it go. Remember, again, you are not sending it—try to resist any temptation you may feel to do so, since that shifts the focus away from yourself and toward the other person, which is not the point of this exercise. You've said what you have to say; now see if you're ready to move on. Sometimes, you will be. Other times, maybe not—in which case, see if you can try to ruminate less on the feelings of hurt or resentment.

Finally, make forgiveness a habit, as you would a prayer. Even if the first time you do this exercise is difficult, it will become easier with time. Forgiveness is not a talent that you either have or don't have. It is a skill that takes a great deal of effort, willpower, and motivation. It must be practiced.

The effects can be profound. Nelson Mandela was once asked how he was able to forgive his jailers who had locked him up unjustly for 27 years. He said, "When I walked out of the gate, I knew that if I continued to hate these people, I was still in prison."

Holiday Lights

I was fortunate enough to have been led to ascension teacher Lori Ladd. This particular message felt so appropriate for Chanukah, or whichever other holiday lights you may be celebrating. I heard this the other day, and it symbolizes the miracle of Chanukah, in which one small amount of oil lasted all eight days, enough to light the menorah of the Holy Temple. Just as one small jug of oil was powerful enough to spread light and warmth longer than anyone thought possible, so too do each of us have that capacity with our own inner light. No one can ever take away what you are made of, ever. The light in each of you is so powerful, and is meant to illuminate the world. Don’t take yourself for granted. Don’t believe anyone who tries to dim you. You have an inner reserve that can outshine any negativity or lack vibration. You are here to shine brighter than you ever believed to be so. I encourage you to check out this message from Lori, and others that she shares. I have found her immensely uplifting and insightful.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXxn1HpP2HYaRjgqf1MXx0A/videos

Discernment vs Judgment

This is something I’ve been pondering this week, discernment vs judgement. Recently I found myself in a really hurtful situation, in which someone close to me said some terrible things. It was very frustrating and did not at all feel in keeping with my idea of friendship. It goes without saying that friends can disagree, but this was not a healthy, safe space for that. It instantly became this other person attacking my character, making cruel and inaccurate assumptions, saying very nasty things, and immediately putting me into this strange box. It was an awful experience. While friends can certainly disagree, they should not disrespect. I have many friends; none of us speak to each other the way I was spoken to in that conversation. I am blessed to have friends with whom I can be brutally honest, and they with me. This was just brutal. It was the cause of immediate separation, something none of us need help in creating. Isn’t it fascinating and sad that we don’t need any assistance in the departments of judgement, self righteousness, separation, and isolation? Humans are eerily adept at the harmful stuff, myself included. We need much more help when it comes to healing, achieving harmony, and healthy approaches. At any given moment we are responding to any number of circumstantial stimuli. When we don’t pause, we often react foolishly instead of responding wisely. Wisely never means weakly. It’s a delusion we have been taught; that reacting with loud, brute force is strong. Actually, acting on impulse is far weaker than responding from a place of grounding and empowerment. Point being, when someone starts to bite your head off as soon as you don’t agree with them... well, you do the math. Just like how when we let our egos run wild by criticizing others who have the audacity to ruin our versions of reality, that too is us operating from a place of reactive disempowerment. Screaming is weak whereas silence is strong because it is confident, calm, rational, and not seeking to add harm. It can be hard enough to be locked into an uncomfortable disagreement with someone; it makes it hella harder to pile more cruel criticism on top of the already burning heap of discord.

This was a tough one for me, on several levels. It’s always very hurtful when someone you consider a close friend is really mean. To be attacked with bitterness is not something I recognize in my close, healthy friendships. It’s a tough pill to swallow when we are forced to see the other person, as well as our dynamic with them, in harsh lighting. Often times truths are revealed and the connection can’t be fully repaired. Loss is involved, and grief at learning that someone can flip a switch on you simply because your opinion differs. When you feel understood by someone and they suddenly become committed to misunderstanding you, it truly is a loss. Friendships and dynamics have to be re-evaluated.
I have become very practiced in reevaluating relationships in my life. It’s a classic protective mechanism that has overall served me well. It’s a myth that we have to remain in any interpersonal dance, no matter how lousy it feels. Self betrayal, ignoring our feelings and physical reactions to the people in our lives, and needing to “take the high road” is bull crap. Who ever decided that being a doormat who eats shit is equivalent to grace and taking the high road? Weakness is rolling over out of fear of re-evaluation, which may lead to scary changes. Strength can reassess and shift, because it knows that WE are the constant in our own lives. Granting access to ourselves and our lives requires serious emotional boundary setting. We are all precious. Not everyone can just bang down the door and trample into our lives. We can say no at any time. Sometimes the no is momentary, in the case of those who we love and who are in our lives permanently, and sometimes the no means we say a quiet goodbye to the relationship. Friends are a choice. They should enhance your life and make you feel good, period. As soon as a friendship feels unsafe, toxic, and tinged with icky stuff, we can choose to remove ourselves.

So where did the judgement come in for me? Well, my mind started going off the rails immediately, out of self defense. The ego mind is here to protect us. It will do this by mental retaliation. This person is this, is that, at least I’m not like them because they...I would NEVER say that because I’m not...(insert reciprocal criticism here). I had real trouble with any of the tools in my toolkit, things that normally work in the way of helping me let go came up short. This occupied my mind for at least a week and a half. I still think about it. This created conflict in myself, since I really did not want to carry that around. I didn’t want my own critical thoughts and judgements to weigh me down and drag down my vibration. I work way too hard on myself to let the opinion of someone else destroy my inner peace. Again, if someone is determined to be nasty and misunderstand you, then that is their load to carry, only it wasn’t since I was carrying it around too. Only we pick shit up, and only we can decide to put it down.

What I did want to do in this case was reassess this person’s place in my life. It was clear from this interaction that this is not a safe space for me. The things that were said set off rockets in my core center, the place in my body where I feel and hold my emotions. Our bodies are always talking to us. This time my body said, step back and keep distance. The undertones of certain comments made me extremely wary and uncomfortable. The thing is, we can assess and discern without having to go bonkers with judging. Weakness judges, strength assesses. This is hard to do, since our self protective instincts are to build walls made out of bricks of judgement. But the thing is, the thing which I have been working on constantly, is cementing that feeling of safety within myself and my life. In times of distress, when my nervous system is being hijacked, I will literally put my hand on my heart or belly, go to a quiet place, breathe, and tell myself I’m safe. I may have to repeat it many times to start to believe it. If I don’t believe it, which I didn’t for a very long time, I’ll force myself to sit through the discomfort of the affirmation until I physically start to soften and it begins to click. By the way, we can feel terribly upset and uncomfortable and still know that deep down we are safe. Both knowings can exist, only while the feelings of discomfort will eventually dissipate, the safety will remain. Weakness is transient, strength is permanent. Underneath whatever you are feeling, thinking, and experiencing lies a vast well of strength and calm. It’s yours to access at any time. It takes tools, techniques, and the knowledge that it exists in order to tap into it. But it’s there. So if I know this and do believe wholeheartedly that I’m safe, guided, and held, why the need to build that protective brick wall? Maybe I can use discernment to protect myself instead of heavy judgment. It took me many days before this occurred to me, but once it did it felt revelatory. It felt so much lighter and more in keeping with how I want to exist in the world. I’ve done so much work, why derail myself by getting buried under someone else’s lens and stuff? Uncomfortable situations are a part of life. It’s how we relate to them that will determine how we move through them. The more secure I feel in my own life, body, decisions, and the more I reaffirm my connection to the safety of the Unseen, the easier it is for me to release my grip on delusional protective judgement. Judgement doesn’t just separate us from others. It separates us from ourselves, because it goes against the oneness and harmony of the soul. Fighting for our wholeness is an important spiritual discipline. I am committed to fusing myself back together, over and over and over.

A Poem from Prison

One of the services the New York Zen Center provides, is work with the incarcerated. This is a poem written by an inmate, and it blew me away. I get annoyed when my wifi is out, so to read how this one man reached so deeply into the depths of his soul to find what to hold onto is powerfully inspirational. It’s a really staggering study on humanity, how a prison holds both unspeakable horrors yet unimaginable perspective and gratitude at the same time. We had Hitler and we had Ghandi. Human beings are so extreme, and our capacity both to harm and to help are vast. That duality lives in all of us.

What does reading something like this bring up for you?

WHO UNDERSTANDS ME BUT ME: JIMMY SANTIAGO BACA

-  They turn the water off, so I live without water,

-  they build walls higher, so I live without treetops,

-  they paint the windows black, so I live without sunshine,

-  they lock my cage, so I live without going anywhere,

-  they take each last tear I have, I live without tears,

-  they take my heart and rip it open, I live without heart,

-  they take my life and crush it, so I live without a future,

-  they say I am beastly and fiendish, so I have no friends,

-  they stop up each hope, so I have no passage out of hell,

-  they give me pain, so I live with pain,

-  they give me hate, so I live with my hate,

-  they have changed me, and I am not the same man,

-  they give me no shower, so I live with my smell,

-  they separate me from my brothers, so I live without brothers,

-  who understands me when I say this is beautiful?

-  who understands me when I say I have found other freedoms?

-  I cannot fly or make something appear in my hand,

-  I cannot make the heavens open or the earth tremble,

- I can live with myself, and I am amazed at myself, my love, my beauty,

-  I am taken by my failures, astounded by my fears,

-  I am stubborn and childish,

-  in the midst of this wreckage of life they incurred,

-  I practice being myself, and I have found parts of myself never dreamed of by me,

-  they were goaded out from under rocks in my heart

-  when the walls were built higher,

-  when the water was turned off and the windows painted black.

-  I followed these signs like an old tracker and followed the tracks deep into myself

-  followed the blood-spotted path,

-  deeper into dangerous regions, and found so many parts of

myself,

-  
who taught me water is not everything,

-  and gave me new eyes to see through walls,

-  and when they spoke, sunlight came out of their mouths,

-  and I was laughing at me with them,

-  we laughed like children and made pacts to always be loyal,

- who understands me when I say this is beautiful? 

Karate Kindness

If you’ve been seeing my stories, you may have caught me mentioning the adopt a senior program I joined for the holidays. I was able to do this through this beautifully inspiring Instagram account called Golden Age Karate. Jeff Wall, a 15 year old from Dayton, Ohio, volunteers his time teaching martial arts to senior citizens in several local nursing homes. I came upon his account about a year ago. Since then he’s been featured in the O Magazine (Oprah), on CNN, just to name a couple. I am continuously moved by this open hearted teenager who has made it his mission to keep local seniors active, strong, and occupied, all while having so much fun. His belief in what they can still achieve and learn has taught these precious members of our society that they’ve still got it! The videos Jeff posts of his students shows these seniors having so much fun, and taking pride in throwing a good punch or kick. The physical benefits are clearly so important, as well as the emotional and mental. When people believe in us, it really is it’s own kind of magic. It’s been so heartwarming, especially in this age where most teens are solely focused on Tik Tok and immediate consumerism, to see an adolescent so focused on giving back, as well as forging inter generational friendships. During the pandemic, Jeff continues to teach and spread his message of love and respect for elders, with masks and all the necessary safety precautions. It was clear he wasn’t going to let covid stop his students from enjoying their beloved lessons. He started an adopt a senior program on social media, thereby affording his followers the opportunity to adopt a senior and send them a gift and a note for the holidays. I was so excited to join, and was partnered with a gentleman. Every time we give purely, we open more and more. I was so moved by Jeff sharing this act of loving kindness with others. Every culture treats the elderly differently. Unfortunately in America, often times the elderly are generally not particularly regarded, and given the attention and respect they deserve. How inspiring to see one teenager take it upon himself to change that. It’s so painful for anyone in any stage of life to feel unseen, unimportant, and forgotten about. Raise your hand if you’ve never felt any of those things. The best gift, aside from a mug that says, “I’m retired and can do what I want”, is the gift of being shown we matter. I can’t think of a better Inspire post before Thanksgiving, than of our youth giving thanks and loving kindness to their elders.

This account represents the best of social media. Without Instagram, I’d never have known of this story or had the opportunity to participate in the senior adoption program. I wouldn’t have known Jeff existed, or the gentleman I was paired with. It’s the connection from the heart space that shows us how far and wide we can reach each other. We are being called upon, as a collective, to establish such reaching connections now more than ever. Time is time, whether or not we are in the midst of a mysterious pandemic. It’s what we do with our time that matters. I encourage you all to check out this wonderful young man’s Instagram account. At the very least, it will no doubt provide a much needed boost to the soul. There will always be kind, courageous individuals kicking and punching their way through the walls of life. Let’s learn from them. Let’s appreciate them. Let’s become them, together.

I give thanks to you, dear Readers, for visiting me here and for letting me know my thoughts and ideas matter.

Let’s Remember...

I find this poem from Sufi poet, Hafez, to be so fitting right now. It’s such a simple yet powerful message. As our nation begins hopefully to heal from immense separation, no matter where we stand on any topic, may we remember that underneath all the divisive mental chatter that overtakes ALL of us, beneath that our hearts all beat the same. This applies individually too. Make friends with your heart over and over and over. The more we do so, the more we heal and journey on home. Beat by beat, step by step, choice by choice. We can do this together.

The Great Divide

Like all Americans, whether or not we are satisfied with the election results, I’m freaking drained. The divisive atmosphere over the last four years was energetically way too much to hold. The collective has been so angry and frustrated; that bubble had to burst. Relief was desperately needed. This is not a post about my political opinion, or who I voted for. I’m keeping quiet on that. Personally, I didn’t feel comfortable choosing either candidate. I had anticipated a heavy heart no matter who won, only one side felt heavier for me. Rather, this is a post about my takeaway from the election process, which is essentially disbelief in how people treated each other throughout. The hypocrisy being emitted from people claiming to care only about “unity” is astounding to me. It’s like, are you seriously not hearing yourself? SCREAMING about unity and inclusion, while threatening to cut your friend/colleague/significant other/child/pet out of your life if they dare to have a different opinion. That’s the thing about elections. They are scary times, even under normal circumstances. This election process was heightened for obvious reasons. It was very hard to maintain any semblance of balance and calm, in regards to the topic of politics. But it’s like a whole country needed to be reminded that this is a democratic bipartisanship, in which people are allowed to disagree. The system is built on this premise. Who didn’t get the memo on that?? Because I’m in the New York area, which is predominantly a blue state, I heard nonstop about Biden supporters vehemently attacking anyone who dared to vote for Trump, or even just question or criticize Biden/Harris. Granted, I’m sure in the Deep South it’s the reverse, with red voters going after blue voters. This isn’t ok no matter who it’s coming from, but I found that it left a much more bitter taste in my mouth coming from those who claimed to want to “end divisiveness”. The hypocrisy was maddening to me. I always write that if you are so rock solid in your beliefs, then you aren’t threatened or triggered by a different viewpoint. I believe this to be true, so it was head scratching to me that folks claiming to wholeheartedly in favor of whichever candidate they fully backed, instantly went on the offensive to attack anyone with a different viewpoint. Honestly, I took my daughter out of the city for a few days prior to the results. A lot of her friends were going home. These young men and women did not feel safe. I resented that New York City didn’t feel safe, unless one party won. Correct me if I’m wrong, but when did liberalism become synonymous with anarchy? Even today, I had to exit two unpleasant conversations with people wanting to know my thoughts on the election. I did not tell either of these people who I voted for. I answered with my problems about Trump, which were expectedly met with nods of approval. As soon as I began to state my concerns about Biden/Harris, I was picked apart. It was ridiculous. These are friends of mine with whom I should be able to have a rational conversation. Did you ask me “how I’m doing” because you care, or were you looking to be antagonistic? The best thing I could do for all involved, especially myself, was to bounce. One guy was saying how he hated Trump because he himself is a Socialist. Well, I hate to break it to you, but this is a capitalist country. If you only want a Socialist government, then perhaps you’re really living in the wrong place. That stubborn need to be right is very suspicious to me, especially when its coming from someone who got their desired results. I know this whole point in time is a lot to process, but you won... so stop fighting about it! And if you lost, then just accept it, my goodness. It’s enough on both sides. How can a nation claim to want to begin a national healing process, if everyone is still ripping each other’s heads off? Do you want to bridge gaps as you claim, or continue to flip out on anyone not reading off your script? That sure doesn’t sound like gap bridging to me. And btw, if someone told you that you’re friendship is over if you voted differently than them, then trust me, they’d have ended the relationship anyway, at some point. Threatening to end a friendship based on that, is the very definition of a conditional relationship. It sends the message that “my need to be right is more important than your place in my life”. It’s so obnoxious, and maybe it’s time for you to leave anyway. Sound like Trump? Listen, Dude, you lost. Just leave. It’s over. Biden won fairly.
I think that in order for real healing to begin, every single one of us needs to move the fuck on. Let’s make each other more important than the ego’s need to get its way. How we proceed is always a choice. Anyone claiming to want freedom, hope, and unity won’t find it while walking down Anger Street. We wind up where we do, based on the paths we consciously choose. If the past four years were miserable in so many ways, with this particular year being off the charts insane, then we are being called on to choose differently. It’s a new administration. Let’s use that as symbolism, no matter who we voted for. Despite one possibly having unfavorable thoughts on the new president, let’s choose peace; peace within, peace without, peace of mind, and peace of heart. We deserve it and we need it. It’s the only way this shit is going to correct itself. All our attitudes matter, just like every vote matters. Separation hurts all of us.

The Epidemic of Silence

Is there anything that’s not difficult right now? The continuing pandemic has affected everything, both for worse and, in some ways, better. One of the ways in which its crept into my life recently, is in regards to the different approaches individuals have towards exercising covid caution and safety. I had to muster up the courage to talk to a friend, about how her lack of concern for the seriousness of the virus is making me intensely uncomfortable, since it puts my family in direct risk. Although I am a bold person, I am not confrontational at all. Until now, advocating for myself in a clear and honest manner was unfamiliar. It was a skill set I did not have, a result of learning that whenever I’d speak up, there’d be unpleasant consequences and reactions. When we are punished for having a voice, that voice gets quieter and quieter, often closing up shop completely. I used to be among the masses who would just complain and vent behind the person’s back, since that felt safer than risking uncomfortable honesty about the issue at hand. There was no danger in using others as a sounding board, but then obviously nothing would ever get resolved, and resentments would grow like weeds. I don’t do that anymore, since I feel we cannot complain if we aren’t going to confront an issue head on. This doesn’t mean yelling and acting unskillfully; rather, almost anything can be dealt with when it’s handled honestly and rationally. And if you’re like me, you find these types of conversations supremely awkward. I will often look for any excuse to avoid the learned discomfort of a prickly topic. It can require real “get over myself” bravery to just jump in and do it. It becomes a choice I have to make; stay silent and totally betray myself, or move through the discomfort of speaking up. It’s sad how many of us shrink away from the latter, since that’s residual conditioning in being punished for being vocal. Finally exercising our right to honor ourselves with our voice is a great act of healing. Step by step, we unload what weighs us down by saying what needs to be said. I have found that the discomfort of honesty is way better than the self loathing I feel in the self betrayal of silence. Yes, it’s hard to speak up, but as author Glennon Doyle says, “we can do hard things”. In my zen practice as well, we are taught to be mindful of our preferences. As in, us liking or disliking something isn’t as important as doing what needs to be done (again, skillfully).

In this particular example, a friend’s less concerned attitude towards the seriousness of an 8 month long global pandemic, was literally becoming a direct threat to my family. This is not about different approaches to parenting; we all know what’s at stake here. The unknown nature of this highly contagious virus is scary. I have done everything in my power to keep my family safe and healthy, as well as be a team player within my community and school system. It’s infuriating how so many people don’t seem to give a shit. It’s selfish and unfair, as well as ignorant to ignore what all doctors are saying. To think that we know better than the medical community is ridiculous. As little as they know, we know a heck of a lot less. This is never going away unless we each do our part. Clearly one of the collective lessons here, is that we must learn to better care for each other on a deep level. This virus has revealed so much, including hard parts to people we feel close to. It’s very telling how individuals respond to extreme situations. Look at how many divorces there have been during this time. You can’t hide anything anymore, which I think is a good thing. It’s time to stop hiding, to stop silencing ourselves, and to stop ignoring our needs. If the world is cracking open and being torn asunder, let’s rip away all the patterning and instincts that don’t serve us. This includes not properly, and clearly, using our voices. With this particular conversation, I went into it with zero hope for a different outcome. That’s the key. My aim wasn’t to change the other person’s behavior, since I knew that was unrealistic. We can really only manage our own behavior and responses. My goal was to speak up for the health and safety of myself (I’m double compromised due to ulcerative colitis and the biologic drug I take for it) and all members of my household, which include older housekeepers. The lousy part about this, was that I was the one who felt like the bad guy. This is partially due to aforementioned conditioning, when it was seen as “bad” if I were to be vocal, but also because when dealing with someone who thinks covid isn’t serious, you’re automatically seen as crazy and over reactive. I know many people who are stricter than I am, but I’m absolutely adhering to basic, necessary precautions. I have been extremely careful this whole time. It sucked feeling like the Covid police, but again, not speaking my truth would have been worse, especially about health. I’d have felt cowardly.

I’m sharing this because I believe it’s just time to include honesty in our healing process. I want to move through this world with truth, in how I treat both myself and others. I want to teach my kids that silencing yourself so as to avoid community awkwardness is not the solution. It leads to many people being filled with anger and resentment, until they either ultimately boil over, or corrode from the inside. Silence is overrated. Yes, we have to choose our battles, and I do. But this one is a big deal, and what kind of mother am I if I’m not willing to feel awkward in order to keep my kids safe? Anger is an uncomfortable emotion. In our society, we are taught to suppress and ignore uncomfortable feelings. Sad? Pop a pill. Anxious? Scroll through your phone to distract. Angry? Stay quiet so as not to rock the boat. Drink, smoke, do anything rather than admit to being mad. Anger, like all feelings, when observed rationally, can be an excellent teacher that something needs addressing. Anger allows us to set necessary boundaries when we aren’t being treated right. It has changed history for the better, when brave leaders used it to create change with regards to injustice. It also can start a war. It’s never the emotion, it’s what we decide to do with it. In this case, my anger, however difficult, helped me practice advocating for myself. The conversation itself went just fine, and truthfully, what is a friendship that can’t withstand differences of opinion? Friendship is very important, but so is being a friend to ourselves.

I know it’s not easy, but speaking up always boils down to a choice. Drown your own voice, or deal with feeling uncomfortable. I have found there’s almost nothing worse than choosing to dishonor ourselves by burying our deepest needs.

Wishing you all strength as you’re faced with tough choices. It’s a lot less scary than you were taught to believe. And remember, you can do hard things.

Body Goals

This post isn’t what you think; it’s not about dieting and working out. Rather, it’s about the new way I have begun to view my physical body, which is that it’s a vehicle for service. As well meaning and sincere as I am, make no mistake; I am vain too. I care how I look. I hate the word “vain” since it has such an obnoxious, negative connotation. I believe it is very important to invest in our appearance. We are the stewards of these bodies. We are meant to care for them, respect them, nourish them, and enjoy them. A healthy body is such a blessing that must not be taken for granted. I have enjoyed caring for my appearance since I was little. I was always in the know about new products, creams, and styling tips. I have been religiously moisturizing all over since high school. Since I’m fairly disciplined, I’m not the type to lapse in and out of self care. It’s simply a welcome part of my routine, and I keep adding to it as I learn new things. Dry brushing my skin to exfoliate and kickstart the lymphatic drainage system, yoga, body oils, some Ayurveda, and lots of vitamins are examples of things I’ve added to my regular bodily self care. It feels really good to be so mindful of this body, which is in essence, the home for my soul.

Last year, while on silent retreat, I recited the meal Gatha, the prayer before eating. I have been saying Hebrew blessings on my food since childhood, but the zen meal gatha included a line saying, may this food nourish this body and May this body be worthy of receiving this food. I loved that so much. It drove home the point that our bodies are so precious, in that they are meant to be used as vessels to add good to the world. As women, our bodies are extra miraculous, since we are tasked with carrying and delivering new life.
The more aware I become of my breathing, the more connected I am to my body. The clearer my breath, the more expansive I feel. The more spaciousness I create, the more I get in touch with loving and giving. Giving and connecting, being of service, is the point to life. I know so many people of both genders who literally run themselves into the ground, obsessively exercising, but who don’t seem particularly comfortable with themselves, or with life. This proves that “being skinny” isn’t the key to anything. I have reached the point where if I’m not actively using my physicality to serve my fellow man, than there is no point to my existence. That sounds extreme, but our existence is a huge freaking deal. I owe it to myself to be healthy and physically capable, so that I have the energy to add to the collective. I don’t want to live neutrally in cruise control, doing the same thing over and over until I fade away. I love taking care of myself (and that absolutely includes an occasional nap or cookie), and the more I feel good, the more good feelings I have to spread around. I’m not talking about the endorphins of a workout, which are great, but more so the increasing amount of inner feelings of well being, that put me in a space of love and appreciation. A big sign of healing is when we stick to positive habits and rituals that serve us. That’s why it also feels nice to care for my body, it’s an act of loving kindness. Working out until we can no longer stand or constantly depriving ourselves, is neither loving nor kind. It is pretty clear those acts don’t translate into an increase in true inner peace.

Recently I have begun visiting with an elderly man in my neighborhood. I have been putting this off for over a year, and I’m not sure why. It had been weighing on me. I don’t like not following my intentions. As I was enjoying a (socially distant) lunch with my new friend, I was overcome with gratitude in having a young, healthy body that can do good in the world. The point to being alive was a very present knowing, as I connected to this gentleman. He happens to be a Holocaust survivor, so the theme of continuity was prevalent. Do I want to look good? Of course. I enjoy being a girl.  But I also know from my own experiences, that while it can bring satisfaction, it doesn’t bring true joy. I don’t want my epitaph reading, “she worked out 6 days a week and was always pissed she never had cake”. Don’t laugh, but my SLT workouts also add to my mindfulness. SLT is a famously hard AF workout, and it places crazy focus on each muscle group, muscles I didn’t know I had. SLT also requires slow, controlled movements. We build muscle not by relying on momentum; instead, by exercising restraint and focus, we become stronger. This, along with yoga and walking, is how I care for my body right now. Walking is very mindful for me as well; I use it as presence practice. Feeling the air on my skin, the ground beneath my feet, and being out in nature. The more in tune I am to my physical being, the more in tune I become with understanding why it was given to me.
One of the hardest ways to live, is to grapple with the age old question, “why are we here? What is the point to life?” This existential inquiry can lead to suicide, that’s how powerful it is. To feel purposeless is a miserable way to live, just as the more we become sure of our purpose, the more joyful life becomes. I want to be a channel and a vessel for so many human things. I need my human body in order to do that.

May we be worthy of, and nourish, our bodies, so that they can be of service to both ourselves, our loved ones, and the greater human collective.

October Reflections: Refuge

I wanted to share what I wrote for zen class homework today, about the concept of refuge. As I learn to take refuge within my own body and breath, as well as within the present moment and whatever it contains, I’m finding increased safety and comfort in all areas of my life. It’s essential we learn to take refuge within, but also in the Way itself, as well as in sangha, community. The interconnection amongst us all is staggering. Refuge is needed for not only rest, but even more so for growth. It’s not a place to disappear; it’s a place in which to be found. Where in your life, and with whom, do you find refuge? 

I was so moved the the teaching of “kie-ei” in The Heart of Being, by John Daido Loori. The word “refuge” is such a powerful word, and it has always felt like the ultimate safe space, where one can seek out safety and rest. It has felt, to me, like a place where one can collapse after a long physical or emotional journey, which evokes a somewhat passive state. Like a warm, Jewish Bubbie saying, “come, Bubbeleh, lay keppie (your head)”.
In reading about how kie-Ei means to “unreservedly throw oneself into” while “relying upon”, I was struck by how the term “refuge” went from passive to active. This made more sense to me when applied to practicing. Suddenly, a place of refuge went from being a resting place, to a space of a  safety net,  which then bolsters our unreserved active practice. As in, we don’t need to hold back since we will always be caught by the dharma. The analogy of the parent always being there, watching, as the child learns to get up and walk, was really beautiful. As a mother, my goal is to have my kids know I’m a steady, encouraging safety net for them, who will catch them and help them back up. We can’t learn things for others, nor shield them from mistakes, failures, and foibles. As I’ve begun to learn through contemplative care practice at our zen center, showing we trust the other person in relationship is essential for watering whatever garden is in front of us. No one flourishes without being believed in. Having Dharmic refuge lend the message of, “I trust you, I believe in you, I am holding you, now go forth!” is different than refuge in the sense of ,”take a break”. I saw it as the person standing, who is lifting up the acrobat to jump. Trust is required from both parties. They both have to believe in the other to work together effectively.  I really liked the idea that the dharma, which is a parent or a teacher, believes in our ability to keep going, falling and getting up. It’s like the earth, always beneath us, always supporting us. I love bowing, and also Kin hin, and connecting different body parts with the ground during each bow and step. It cements my relationship to the earth element, which whispers, “wherever you land, I’ll catch you”. Every single one of us needs to be able to rely on ourselves, in the sense of trusting ourselves and our inner teachers. But we also need to rely on each other, to provide support, love, and encouragement. I find refuge in sangha, specifically this one, since it’s this group that understands and knows how to support my spiritual path. I have different groups and communities that support various parts of my life, but having a spiritual sangha that gets this whole thing is inherently liberating; there is refuge in being seen, understood, and valued, just for being here.
The lesson of kie-ei felt like this;
I love you, keep going
I’m holding you, keep going
I believe in you, keep going
I know you, keep going    
As you go, I’m going with you.

Self Care

“Self Care” is a term that is ubiquitous these days. That is a good thing. We have come so far from the era in which we were only as good as how we performed our roles. In the 50’s, self care would probably have looked like buying the latest vacuum. It’s still a concept many of us are timidly trying on for size, so conditioned are we to believe that our worth is directly tied in to enslaving ourselves to the service of others. It’s a huge misconception that self care is selfish, hence the problem in society. In my own community, I see how both women and men are sized up by how much they earn, volunteer, perform familial obligations, even by how young their daughter is to get married and produce a grandchild. As much progress as we’ve made, I still observe most individuals getting completely lost in what the community has decided is success. How can it be that statistically, every person wants the exact same trajectory? It’s impossible, since we are all genuinely so different. I see so many people drowning in resentment, the result of ignoring the self. If we don’t water ourselves, then doing for others becomes draining and frustrating. When we are properly nurtured, then being of service to others is a joy. It feels like sharing and connecting, instead of this burdensome carving away at our already depleted resources. When I love myself and share that love with you, I’m joyful. When I treat myself like an afterthought and pour from an empty cup, I’m pissed. Self betrayal is the opposite of self care, and every single time we act not in our best interest, we reinforce self betrayal. And if we are being honest, we know it. Self betrayal feels like shit, and so the mind goes haywire trying to rationalize whatever it is that requires a bandaid over what we just did. It’s really impossible to properly take care of anyone until we know on an inner level what that looks like. I’m not talking about self care in the form of a pedicure; I’m referring to it as  being sensitive and nurturing to our needs. If I can’t recognize when I need a break, how can I recognize when you need one too?

On the silent retreat I attended last summer, one of the teachers always instructed us to take care of ourselves, since how we care for ourselves is the way we will care for others. This was a first for me, having been raised in Martyr Land, where the message is that a trophy is awarded to the person who is the biggest Shmattah (rag). I learned many years ago, by observing the women around me, that not only living and breathing for your children is selfish, but it’s an excuse to justify not cultivating your individuality. Existing only for our families, immediately places an insane amount of pressure on our children to validate us. Read that again. Using our families as an excuse to not nurture ourselves, our needs, our interests, our talents, and our joys is so common. We claim “there’s no time” as a way to justify not meeting our needs. It’s very hard to admit that we have no idea what deep self care actually is. It’s sad to learn we haven’t been that great to ourselves, and so we blamed outside factors for that. It’s sadder to have to face the fact that we might have no idea what we need in the first place, since that points to not knowing ourselves very well. It is so easy to get lost in family. Roles are dangerous in that way, since they enable us by sucking up time. There is grief in admitting we may not know ourselves, and that we don’t know the first thing about what drives us. That’s why one of the most important acts of self care is self forgiveness. It’s ok to not know, and we all have to start somewhere. Patience and honesty are also great acts of self care, as is knowing our individual needs matter. Learning who we are and what we need, is akin to learning a new language. It takes practice and patience, and forgiveness of the mistakes that lead us back to conditioned self betrayal. Know that when anyone calls you selfish when you attempt to act in your own best interest, there is something wrong with them and not you. Honoring your needs and boundaries is NOT selfish. Do not believe these people, and if you observe the way they treat themselves, it’s clear that “caring for others” looks like control and accolades, not care. The way people respond to your personal acts of self care, are extremely revealing. Observe, and do what you need to do anyway. They need not like it or approve.  Knowing that these people are committed  to misunderstanding you is a huge act of self care, because we can remove ourselves from the toxic dynamic of needing to explain ourselves to the emotionally deaf. Only those who benefit from you having zero  boundaries, will throw a fit when you act in your own best interest.

Here is an example from my own life. My second pregnancy was an absolute nightmare. I was told to abort my child due to constant spotting in the first trimester, which resulted in plummeting lab results. My ulcerative colitis was flaring like crazy, and I was dangerously underweight. There was outrageous emotional distress brought on by family problems, which I was dragged into in my fifth month, a time I could barely stand up. In short, this baby was a miracle when she was born full term at a healthy weight. I will never forget holding her in the hospital, and being told how selfish I was, by a family member who wanted to throw a huge party “for the baby”. My ex husband and I were always very private about giving birth. Every labor and delivery was a clandestine operation, and we only made phone calls after the babies were out safely. No parents, no family members clogging up the space. We never wanted the hovering, or anyone else dumping their own emotions into the room. Most people have no clue how to keep their stuff to themselves. They make it all about themselves, even if some of them have good intentions. So there I was, cradling my newborn in Lenox Hill, and actually being yelled at for not agreeing to a ridiculous party that I can assure you, “the baby” didn’t care about. The person literally stormed out after I wouldn’t give in. Who screams at a new mother like that? I recall being stupefied but holding my ground. Self care often comes down to this; we either honor ourselves or we give in to the demands of others. One choice can feel very scary, when we are met with criticism and insulted by the person who feels denied. No one who loves themselves will talk to you like that. Yes, they might be disappointed or hurt, but anyone who goes nuts when you honor yourself isn’t one of your people. Those who love you will want you to care for yourself, just like you hopefully want them to be good to themselves as well. This is a healthy, interpersonal dynamic. Caring for myself lately has included knowing that there are people, who as I said before, are simply committed to misunderstanding me. They need to see me and hear me through their own lens, which really has nothing to do with me. Part of emotional maturity is being ok with the perception of others, and allowing them their lens. If I know who I am, then that’s enough to keep me steady, even though it’s uncomfortable to be disagreed with and unseen.

The funny thing with self care, is that the more we nurture ourselves, the more time and energy we have to include others in that space of nurturing. Before I began this creative, fulfilling chapter, I was always zapped and depleted. I ran on empty, believing there was honor in being a doormat, since being a wife and mother was the only goal. I’d get a few household errands done while the kids were in school and call it a day. By 6 pm I was exhausted. There was “no time” for anything else. Now, I am amazed at how many things I can get done in a day. My zest for life began to increase, as I learned to feed my soul.  My energy grew each time I learned more about myself, my needs, and my expressions. Paying acute attention to this has helped me zone in on what others need. If I want the best for my loved ones, then that must include myself. My inner circle only includes people who love me and want the best for me, and I have learned a lot from them. It’s taken me some time to catch up to knowing how to care for myself, since it’s often so much easier to give than to receive. Turning care inward is very uncomfortable, when we are unfamiliar with what receiving that feels like.

The question I ask myself in deciding what the right path is, whether it’s squeezing a manicure into an already packed day, not attending a family function, taking a nap midday, or committing to exercise, is, “how can I love myself right now, in this moment?” Like, the manicure example might seem silly, but if doing it will only add to the pressured rush of the day, maybe it’s not worth it. However, if the rush is indeed worth it because my nails are driving me crazy, then I’ll make the choice to rush, if it’ll ultimately give me peace of mind. If attending the family function will give me peace, ok. But if I’m there to please others, while stewing in the misery of being there, then that’s a trail marker. Sometimes self care is not exercising, if my body really needs a break. The answers will usually always vary, but the question is the same. It’s a fact that the better we hold ourselves, the more skilled we are at being there for others. Investing in yourself is a direct investment to those around you. You aren’t selfish. You are a person with needs, and unmet needs cause emotional trauma. It’s the exact same thing as the oxygen mask on the plane; you secure yours first so you can then assist your fellow passengers.

 Life is a ride. Your seatbelt, your safety and well-being, matters.

Let It Be, New York

New York dead? Fuggedaboutit!! I took these photos in front of one of my fave restaurants on the Upper West Side, The Smith. This was the last NYC restaurant I took pics at before lockdown. At that time, not a soul could have predicted the intensity and seriousness of the pandemic. I think back to that carefree day, when sitting inside and ordering a meal was a given, normal pleasure. Never in my life have I not been able to do this. Is that a luxury? Maybe. It certainly is now. I find it interesting, all the focus on the current state of Manhattan. It was even mentioned in the recent presidential debate, in a very negative, not encouraging way by Trump. I found it so disheartening to hear him say that he doesn’t know if our beloved city “would ever recover”. I’m sorry, but no leader should ever speak like that publicly. That kind of attitude serves no one. Now more than ever, we are being called upon to stay strong, positive when possible, and have faith in the unfolding of life. New York, like every other place on earth right now, is entitled to suffer and regroup. How could it possibly be the same, when nothing else is? It’s almost like NYC is the cool kid that everyone is trying to tear down, because it’s resilience and bad assery is too intimidating. Are there differences now? Of course. The current NYC leadership is a disaster. That too is temporary. I still love being in Manhattan, despite the differences. If 9/11 taught us anything, it’s that we can overcome the seemingly insurmountable. I’ll never forget Sir Paul McCartney singing “Let It Be” at the 9/11 first responders concert. Let it be. Give New York a chance.  Let her breathe and adapt, like you’re hopefully doing with your own lives. Love her through her transitions, as she has been there for you during yours. It will take a lot more than Corona to destroy the greatest city in the world. The cover might look different, but the story is the same.

We. Do. Not. Give. Up. Ever.

THEN

NOW

Medicine Woman

I have a medicine woman. Her name is Elaine Ziner, and by the grace of God, we live in the same neighborhood. She is one of the most important members of my soul tribe. We came together energetically 2 and a half years ago, at a meeting that was life altering. I’ve referenced her before, most often as my reiki/energy healer. The work she and I have done together has completely changed my lives (yes, lives). She sees into my soul in the most shockingly honest way, and she has taught me things about myself, and about what I really am, that have catapulted me into evolution after evolution. Each time I shed another layer of skin, she’s been by my side, and not necessarily physically. Anyone I have sent to see her has emerged from their meeting completely dumbfounded, yet so relieved and deeply understood. She does not work in 3D, and so she sees into her client’s universe in ways they can’t yet. I have discussed dreams and visions with her that have been mine alone, yet when we compare notes, she has seen the same things.  I once had a very specific vision involving a zen teacher of mine, and in one session, Elaine recounted the exact same scenario, though I’d never told her about it. She has helped me purge lifetimes of familial persecution, and all the fear that comes attached to that. We have worked with anger stemming from old family wounding that I’ve been living with and need help releasing. It’s impossible to not get infected when you are born into a poisonous environment. I have a session with her tomorrow, since the recent death of a family member cracked open a silo of anger and frustration. This feels terrible, but it’s a gift. We can only skim what rises to the surface. Elaine has been a touchstone of mine, and I honestly can’t put into words what she’s helped me learn, face, cleanse, and accomplish. She gives each of her clients all of her knowledge, wisdom, and guidance. During covid I even did zoom sessions as needed. It’s taken me awhile to feel comfortable writing about her, since our relationship is so scared and precious. But I wanted to share this information with you, as I always like to share healing techniques and practices. What I know, you’re welcome to know. I promise you, you’re not alone. Whatever battles you are fighting, you can find your people who become your refuge. The one person in my family who I had a soul bond with is now gone (in human form). I feel very alone. I am related to a lot of people, but don’t feel like I have any family in the traditional sense. Family, for me, has very little to do with blood and genes. My tendency to go into emotional isolation can be dangerously quick. When I feel that something is energetically threatening to me or my children, I bolt. I was not protected as a child, and I’m a fiercely proud lioness of a mother. One of the greatest gifts Elaine has given me has been safety and inner sovereignty, and those have been quarantine themes of mine since March. Interestingly enough, she started her Sovereign Mastery podcast on Spotify during lockdown as well. It’s wonderfully wise and grounding. I encourage you to listen and bathe in her perspective. We are so much more than we understand, and it takes a spiritual lens such as Lainie’s to show us that. I often get asked what I’ve used to grow so much. I have a big toolkit at this point, and I’m an active collector and huntress for this kind of information. Elaine is hands down one of my biggest catalysts for change and growth. She is available to you, and will teach you how your magic can become available to yourself. I read this old Native American poem today, and was stopped in my tracks. It may as well have been written about her.

Love you, my Sister.

https://metamorphosis360.com/

Thank You, Mary Oliver

I’d like to offer you one of my favorite poems by the beautiful Mary Oliver. Not only is this poem so wonderful, but making it this week’s Inspire is an act of self love at the moment. I’m so overwhelmed with holiday cooking, that to write one of my usual pieces would just be too much right now. My head is kind of exploding, and not pushing myself harder than I need to has been a skill I have recently learned. I tend to take on a lot, like so many women do, and giving myself permission to slow down has been a lovely practice. Wishing all those celebrating Rosh Hashanah a happy, healthy, sweet New Year. May we all grow, and support one another in our growth. Thank you for being here.

All Apologies

Hi, Friends. We’ve been spending a lot of time recently on toxic, unhealthy relationships, that at a certain point we are likely being called upon to leave. As tough as those dynamics are, they are easier than the times when we are hurt by the people that we do know love us. Hurting those we love, and being hurt by those we love, is an unavoidable part of life. Individuals are too complex to not get into emotional hot water, even with our favorite people. Raise your hand if you’ve never hurt your kids’ feelings. Yeah, didn’t think so. See? Even our most precious relationships get occasionally mishandled.

Recently, someone I have been close to for decades, did something bafflingly hurtful to me. I felt less wounded than I did confused.  The act was so outrageous, that it left me feeling like, “wait, what??”. Only at this point in my life would I have, and did, confront this person. My former versions did not have the skills to healthily communicate my hurt, without involving attack or fear of repercussions (whassup, first 40 years of my life). Screaming or stonewalling were the only methods of communication I was taught. At this much stronger, cleaner stage of life, I am able to calmly yet effectively state my case. This is a wonderful human being who I love having in my life, and so block delete is not fitting here. I think most often when people aren’t honest under the guise of “noted” or “I’m taking the high road”, it’s cowardice. Yes, we must use agency and selectivity when sharing our pain, but when that pain is really valid and it’s coming from a close source, to suppress our feelings is usually false martyrdom. It’s much more honorable to present our emotions directly, rather than bitch and moan to ten other people. It’s childish and it solves nothing. In fact, it only grows the problem. Whatever we give attention to expands, and so if we spend hours/weeks/years!! complaining to everyone BUT the one who hurt us, we shoot ourselves in the foot. Watering all that resentful energy, ultimately hurts us way more than anyone or anything else.

So I said something immediately. I firmly but (fairly) calmly said all I had to say. It felt good to honor myself with the gift of truth, and it felt great to speak with clarity and balance. That too is a gift to ourselves. It never feels good to go on a tirade. It’s like taking a hit of a drug; we feel powerful in the moment since The Ego feels it just won a prize, but then that shameful crash sets in, and we feel like shit, whether we admit it or not. One of the main chakras is the throat chakra, which governs speech. To swallow your verbal truth, or to always be spewing it out, leaves that energy center unbalanced. The middle way is always the goal. Balance, steadiness, equanimity. We always know it when we’ve lost our own footing. How can anyone listen to us when we aren’t listening to ourselves?

 So I was fully honest. I was met with apologies, excuses, and reasons. The reasons and excuses I did not buy, which I stated. The apologies I did, because I know this person loves and values me. They were glad I said something, one of the marks of a true friend. I thanked them for being receptive to what I said, but made it clear that I perhaps have some re-evaluating to do as far as where we stand. I don’t have shitty friends at this point. That is a fact. I have a tightly edited social circle, and I would do anything for those people. This person had always been included in that group. But if there isn’t reciprocity, then it’s time to face reality. This person really regretted what they had done, but it was a deliberately thought out action that may change how we journey on from here. Maybe, maybe not. Relationships are a place of practice. They are a dance. I care for this person very much, would be the first to praise or defend them, yet their place in my life is altered at the moment. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean all prior facts are erased, even if that person is great. Letting go isn’t giving yourself a lobotomy; it’s not having heavy emotion attached to the memory.
Care for yourself as you choose to speak your truth. When you handle yourself with care, you’ll automatically take better care of the situation. Right speech is part of the Buddhist Eight Fold Path. Being a shmuck is not.
Sending love to your throat chakra from mine.

Back to School, COVID Style

Back to school style usually consists of fun fashions, cool backpacks, and rad sneakers. Fresh school supplies, eagerly labeled and organized. Children, while reluctant to get back to rigid scheduling, are also brimming with excitement at being reunited with their friends. This year, in the age of this rogue virus called COVID-19, back to school style is centered around... masks and trepidation. This reality lands with a thud on the desks of teachers worldwide, who are now expected to continue to guide their students through yet more Twilight Zone scenarios.

Never in a million years did I think this would still be going on. I thought summer was going to be normal. Back to school? No worries! I honestly can’t believe that the hottest back to school accessory is a freaking mask. I wear masks diligently, but I hate doing it. It’s so uncomfortable. The thought of my kids wearing them for 9 hours straight makes me want to cry. The schools have gotten on trend by printing custom masks as well. It really is a thing. My children, being in private schools, do have in person classes. My oldest daughter in university does not. The ones going back are very excited to be back in actual school. They never thought they’d say that, and it’s been gratifying for me to watch them come to that realization on their own. Each school has major modifications, with keeping one grade home per week on zoom, in an effort to reduce the amount of people in the building on a daily basis. Two of my kids have the same zoom day, which I’m thrilled about. It will be nice for them to be together once a week, especially after being together nonstop throughout lockdown. I’m very happy they’re going back to a version of normalcy, despite my obvious concerns about the virus spiking back up. My children have a ton of questions for me about how things are going to play out. It’s sweet that they think I have the answers, but I don’t. One of the great lessons from this insanity, is learning to accept that we just do not know. As I told my zen teacher recently, it feels far wiser to be able to admit to them that I don’t know. That no one does, not the teachers, not the principal, and that it’s new for everyone. It’s a learning process for every human, and our job is to follow the rules and take it as it comes. There is so much about the virus itself we don’t understand. There are the mask wars, and the bizarre assumption that outdoor dining is perfectly safe, despite the tables being on top of each other. People seem to feel more comfortable at large outdoor gatherings, yet tremble at the notion of you having six of your closest friends inside your home. Unfortunately there is no formula that’s foolproof, aside from total isolation. One can leave a covid test with negative results, and pick up the virus ten minutes later at the supermarket. Corona has a mind of its own, as we know. But life can’t be on hold forever, and I personally am looking forward to attempting real school. If it doesn’t work, ok, we will all reroute. Such is life; a constant series of events that we are responding to. We can react or respond. Reactivity comes from knee jerk visceral emotion, while response arises from a pause, followed by a wiser decision. Still, as parents, we are being called upon to captain this new ship for our children.

Socially, how will my Freshman son meet new kids, if he can only see eyes? Will this nonsense continue throughout my daughter’s entire senior year of high school? Will my kid be sent home and treated like patient zero, if he has a slightly raised temperature that’s completely non COVID related? What will lunchtime and snack time look like with masks? How on earth can I assume that all the students actually wash their hands properly? I can’t. Again, it’s a reminder to myself that I have no control over this looney toons situation. Look, this remains a national experiment. Some states are failing flat out. My biggest concern is that New Jersey and New York will reverse the improvements we have made. We all want our regular lives back.

Sending love and strength to all the courageous teachers and school administrators, as you wade through these uncertain circumstances. All the bus drivers and custodians too. It’s not fair what’s being asked of you, and I appreciate you all very much. It’s never easy, but now it’s harder than ever. Thank you so much for all you do, to sustain our children and communities. May this year find us all safe, protected, healthy, and at ease. May we find joy and balance amidst the unknown.

Post Divorce Invites

Hi. Wow. So I can’t tell you how many messages I received after last week’s post on forgiveness. As long as we live human lives, human interpersonal relationships will be complicated and challenging. It’s crucial as we navigate them, to remember we have agency and choice. So many readers wrote in, relaying years old struggles with the same people. I know it’s difficult, but we always have the choice to remain in a toxic, abusive dynamic or leave. It’s not easy yet it is that simple.

Years ago, I read a life changing book, This Is How, by Augusten Burroughs. I adore his writing and lens. It was a book basically explaining how to choose. In his case, one of the choices he had to make before dying, was to continue drinking or quit. He put it like this; I really wanted to drink, but I wanted to not die a little more than I wanted to drink. That was it. An addict of any kind has to make that choice over and over, most likely until death. I really want to eat more cake, but I really want to not be annoyed I did. I really want to text that guy, but I really want to maintain my dignity. I really want to lose it on my child, but I don’t want to feel guilty later (or make said child feel bad). We make hundreds of choices a day. We can want both things simultaneously, but one has to win out, in order for some kind of choice to be made. Anyone who went through a divorce has had to make the enormous choice of, I really don’t want to break up my family, but I also really don’t want to remain in a situation that isn’t what it should be. It was so sad to hear about so many people choosing to stay in emotionally abusive relationships because it’s too hard to leave. Believe me, I get it. It took a village to permit me to “manage” many unhealthy dynamics in my own life. But we must be accountable; if we stay and put up with it then it’s on us. Reading articles and listening to podcasts, even meditating and praying, will not change anything for you. Collecting information and doing research is meaningless without integration. I encourage you to look very closely at these interpersonal narratives, and truly decide what it is you want. Do I want to spend the next few years having this weigh on me, or do I want to choose uncomfortable freedom? If we choose the first direction, there is a good chance we are addicted to that narrative of suffering. It’s very common to complain about something for so long, that we don’t know what we’d do without that victim identity. It’s like tending to our wounds becomes a form of temporary validation, when the most effective form of validation is to leave the table.

Recently, I found myself in a situation in which my own reaction surprised me, to not getting an invitation to a (former) family event. My ex and I are on very good terms, and I have remained close and connected to many of his extended family members. I talk to many of them more than he does, which he’d be the first to admit :). I have, thus far, continued to be invited to all their occasions, and I attend as much as possible. These are good people with whom I’ve had a connection to for many years, so it never occurred to me that that had to ever stop. I don’t have that provincial definition of family, and I’m foolishly surprised when people can’t make decisions outside the lines. It’s so interesting, though; the uptight rigidity in defining “family”, is directly linked to uptight rigidity elsewhere. A closed person is a closed person. My reaction was so surprising to me, because the people that didn’t invite me are people I don’t want in my life. They aren’t people I’d ever choose. I spent years praying to God to get me away from them. So now that I am away from them, why should I care or be surprised to be excluded? I didn’t like the message it sent to my kids, which I stand by; your mother is not welcome here. I think it’s incredibly insensitive to my children, but expecting any measure of sensitivity from these individuals is like asking a blind person to read the dictionary. If my ex and I were not in each other’s lives, then lines are clearly and logically drawn. But for he and I to spend holidays and occasions together by choice, as well as social events, it was a bizarre move to invite the mailman’s first cousin’s housekeeper and not me. In explaining this to a friend, he said, “this sounds like a really easy situation for you to walk away from”. He is totally correct. These were people who treated me like garbage while I was technically in the family, so to think I’d be regarded with humanity in divorce is stupidity on my part. There was another event coming from a similar source that I wasn’t invited to either, from someone who I always got along really well with. He invited family members that I know he can’t stand, yet didn’t invite me. This person is different, and I still like him, but it was unexpected. It is extremely telling how a family treats you post marriage. If they can discard you so quickly, then these are NOT your people. If they can only tolerate your presence based on paint by numbers circumstances, then they don’t deserve you at all. It comes down to mature decision making. I can choose to follow upsetting thoughts and triggers, about people I don’t want to be around, or I can choose to emotionally disengage. It’s that simple. Even if we are in situations where we don’t have the option of ending a relationship, we can still choose to create space emotionally and mentally. We can choose to not follow thoughts at any time, and instead see them as passing clouds. You will always be the sky through which all kinds of clouds will pass. You will always be the ocean that will hold all sorts of waves. Thoughts are just passing phenomena, they come and go. That person in your life who has added nothing but toxicity, how much longer are you going to decide to let it consume you? Yes, it’s easier said than done, but so what? We can do difficult things. If you’ve had a baby, hello?? Besides, it’s much more difficult to remain ensnared in this emotional trap. We have to pick. If the truest, most actualized vision for your life doesn’t include these people, or getting emotionally railroaded by them, you must make a choice and commit to that vision. We don’t get to have it both ways; if we don’t want them in our lives then we can’t get upset when we aren’t included. Can we find a way of being that goes beyond our thoughts and patterns?
As I put together my end of life box, and sit down to list the people I’d want at my funeral, as well as who I adamantly do not want in attendance, it’s clear. Am I going to continue to drink poison over people that don’t belong at my funeral? I’m smarter than that, and it took these few instances to kick my ass into perspective. We are always given the experience we need in order to evolve. If you find yourself in the same space over and over, then trust it keeps happening to teach you to forge a new path. You can’t expect change if you don’t partner with the idea of it. Me praying to God to remove certain players in my life story wouldn’t have ever happened had I stayed exactly the same. God is always listening, I believe, but you must use agency and make the choice that serves you. Just like others should be accountable for how they treat us, we have to be accountable for self treatment. We are usually stuck in the past, and are reliving terrible experiences, or we are throwing ourselves into the anxiety of future interactions with people who have historically hurt us. We try to protect ourselves from the future by maniacally planning for it now. Even if the event is a year away! That’s crazy, right? But we can’t help it. This is where presence and breath work really help. Eckhart Tolle is one of my favorite teachers on presence and conscious mindfulness. There are actual techniques you can learn to take yourself out of the past and future, and return safely to the present, where you are most likely ok. Sometimes I will literally list present circumstances and details to bring me home. “I am sitting on a couch. I am alone, which means the person I’m stressing about is not here. I just drank an iced coffee, which I enjoyed, I am breathing, my feet are touching the earth, I am getting dressed to go out, etc”.  Going over present facts helps free myself from other time zones. The past is gone, and the future isn’t real. Most of our obsessing over other people is clinging to false realities. We can, we must, choose to return to the present. It’s the here and now that matters. If the present includes those toxic people in your life, you can leave early, or go deeper into your body. Your breath is actually louder than your thoughts (try it!). If you’re reading this, chances are you want to make a change. Follow that instinct. Let your choices heal you. We can choose our destruction or our healing. You already know what to do.

Oy, Forgiveness

I was asked by a loyal reader to touch upon this topic. It’s always such a hard subject. The idea of forgiveness is unbelievably layered, complicated, challenging, and scary for so many. I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t struggle with it. For observant Jews who are beginning to think about the High Holidays, specifically Yom Kippur, forgiveness is weighing on us. Most people have no understanding of what forgiveness really means, or how to do it. When someone has deeply hurt us, it’s so hard to forgive. One of the most destructive nods to forgiveness today is that ubiquitous, insensitive directive to “get over it”. In today’s culture, where we rapidly move from one thing to the next, we feel like it’s a personal failure, a weakness even, to not be able to just “get over” something. Then many of us begin the process of self loathing and shame, in clinging to our stories of hurt that prevent us from moving on. If we can’t forgive and forget, it’s internalized that’s it’s all our fault. “Get over it” is so harmful because it removes all accountability from the person who hurt you, placing all the responsibility on you, the one who was hurt, to move on. To “deal with it”. More so, it completely invalidates the fact that you, a precious, sensitive person with real feelings, have reason to feel hurt/ sad/angry. When our pain isn’t seen, our voices aren’t heard, and our experiences are ignored, it feels so awful because it is. It’s like someone dumping a bag of smelly, rotten garbage on your head, and then telling you to “deal with it”, making you seem pathetic if you can’t. First of all, please know that’s not true, ever. Anything that you are feeling is real. We can never force another person to make our experience matter to them. Trying to get someone to see it your way often leads to intense frustration. Yes, sometimes we are dealing with others who care about us, made a mistake, and do want to know how they hurt us. Usually, though, it’s realistically not so. This is why, as I’ve learned, the first (and often only) person that my experience has to matter to is Me. The more I practice this, and I’ve had lots of help in learning how to do it, the better my relationship is to myself. When I am deeply hurt and I’m able to hold myself through it, that is more soothing than banging my head against the wall, trying to seek validation from others. Also, when I can do this, it creates an inner spaciousness that softens me to the possibility of beginning to forgive someone else. We cannot truly forgive others if our inner dialogue with ourselves is cold and unhealthy. The way we talk to ourselves, and our ability to first see ourselves as fallible human beings, will set the stage for how we relate to other people. If you treat yourself like crap, getting angry at yourself for not just getting over it, yet you can forgive someone else who just took a dump on your head, it’s likely not forgiveness in the true sense; it’s codependency. We are so often terrified of having someone angry at us, even if they were the aggressors. The idea of this person cutting you out of their life, ignoring you, and making you feel less than is too much to handle. So we push our feelings aside, ignore our pain, and forgive in order to keep this other in our orbit. In short, we self abandon. THIS is the root of most inner shame. It’s almost never what someone else does to you; it’s what YOU are doing to you. The way we hold, or drop, ourselves is so major. When we are aligned with our experience and radically aware of how we are feeling, the need for outside validation drops significantly (or entirely). This is one of the reasons the concept of forgiveness is so misunderstood. It’s because it starts within. We must learn to cultivate such a strong and kind level of inner compassion to ourselves, thereby paving the road to forgiveness that extends outward. We cannot give what we don’t have. If our river of self forgiveness is dry and empty, you can forget about forgiving someone else.
Coming from the background of a religious Jewish community, where women are lauded for being long suffering martyrs who shove their feelings aside for the benefit of others, I have had to wade through some very deep conditioning. I was taught that feelings are selfish. To notice them or worse, honor them, was to not be a team player. And if I’m not on the team, then I’m against the team. In order for the team to function, each player should shut their mouth and do what’s required to maintain equanimity. Any form of stability is a totally false illusion; it’s an empty tree trunk being held up by contaminated roots. You can forget about the branches, those will snap off in five seconds. If the roots aren’t healthy, nourished, and fortified, the tree is diseased. It will be vulnerable to collapse. The image of this tree represents every dynamic, including your own with You. We are designed to have times where we are overcome with thoughts, and full of feelings. We are also designed to not cling to any of them, but that’s for other posts. In writing about forgiveness, we must address all the feels in the moment. It’s not selfish. If anyone couldn’t make space for your feelings, then they weren’t able to acknowledge their own. Knowing this is a key piece in forgiveness, the ability to see the one who hurt you as a human who makes mistakes. The lens through which to know this begins with your own view of yourself in this light. You make mistakes, say the wrong thing, hurt, judge, and invalidate too. We all do. You aren’t bad and you don’t suck. You aren’t a failure. You are a complex person who will not always get it right. Being human is a practice, possibly the hardest one out there. It is essential that, in our knowledge of our own mistakes, we hold ourselves accountable. We can only do this if we regard ourselves with kindness and flexibility. Without our own accountability, which is truly necessary for repair, external forgiveness is also impossible. The other person must be held accountable for having hurt you. This does not mean they will BE accountable. We can’t control their level of willingness and emotional maturity. But, it means we fully hold them to account, possibly without judgement, so that we can rationally know what happened to us. In order to sort through our feelings and sift through hurt, we must admit with full honesty that this person harmed us. Forgiveness requires that our wound be scraped clean from the source of pain. If your child has a wound that needed to be cleaned, treated, disinfected, and stitched up, you wouldn’t slap a bandaid on him and expect it to be fine. The wound will ooze, fester, spread, and you’ll likely wind up in the hospital dealing with a raging infection.  So too with emotional pain. When it’s not treated properly, it doesn’t go away. It spreads and grows stronger. That’s why forgiveness is so hard; it’s not done honestly and healthily.   The knowledge that we have to “get over it” is different than the wisdom needed to soothe and heal pain that’s been inflicted by someone else. Cheap bandaids don’t work. Their adhesive will crap out, and the bandaid will slide off, revealing a worse wound than before. Radical awareness towards our own emotional experience is needed to forgive. Burying your feelings so you won’t get kicked off the team isn’t a true solution. It’s why so many of us struggle with forgiving the same people over and over, often for the duration of a whole lifetime; we think we have to sweep our pain away to do this. Again, it’s creating space between us and our feelings, by honestly holding them without judgement, that starts to allow for a widening where we can let others in to our process. Thereby possibly incorporating them back into our lives. This can be slow, quick, possible or not possible. Forgiveness of ourselves is not negotiable, but forgiveness of others is truly a case by case basis. If someone has a history of hurting you with no accountability, and has no plans of ever stopping, you can forgive them but not allow them into your precious life. Giving someone access to you, when they have shown utter disregard for your humanity, is hands down self abandonment. It’s not forgiveness, it’s abuse. No one ever has the right to consistently harm you on any level. Not your parent, spouse, partner, friend, or child. Boundaries are not selfish, they are an important tool that keeps relationships healthy. They dictate how we are required to be treated, and teach us how we are required to treat others.
 Each person who hurts us is different, resulting in different types of pain. Sometimes it’s just a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, or a common human foible. Other times, you can be dealing with a sick, abusive, miserable, unhealthy person. Only you can know the route to take with each individual situation. “Forgiveness” for me was always a terrifying word. It was modeled to me in childhood as shutting my mouth, ignoring my feelings, but having no choice in forgiveness, thereby opening myself up once again to attack. It was a vicious cycle that lasted until I removed myself entirely. There are many people that I don’t grant access to. Forgiveness does not mean “come back in and throw poisonous darts at me again”. If it means that for you, then please work on being better to yourself. Setting boundaries with these kinds of people is terrifying yet liberating. It’s an act of self care. Forget about getting a manicure or a massage, real self care is being a safe space for yourself. Loving yourself through the pain that comes with releasing certain people from our lives. Losing people who will always hurt us is very difficult. We can forgive them for being unwell, and regard them with compassion. How sad is it for someone who is always cruel and emotionally destructive? It’s a form of disease. When known without judgement, this feels gentle on our part. We can be fully aware of how broken another person is, forgive them, hold them accountable in our own minds, yet preserve our own well being by removing ourselves. Not everyone gets access to you. There are wonderful aspects to community, but this is not one of them. Geography and shared religious practice does not mean you and your life are public.  Your neighbor might sit next to you in synagogue, but be a mean person who always puts you down, or competes with your child. How sad she must be to behave this way. I can forgive her yet change my seat. A relative who is emotionally abusive and uncaring; what a tragedy to live like that, always pushing others away. I can forgive yet block their number. Or I can not block my number, if I can mentally handle contact without going off the rails. Maybe I’m going off the rails now, and my colitis flares up at the thought of being around certain people. Maybe this won’t be so in the future. It’s all changing, depending on how we feel. Your body is an excellent teacher in relationships. That migraine, backache, need to overeat, or need to be really busy all of a sudden; all signs that something is going on emotionally within you. Who makes you feel nervous, depleted, frustrated, on edge; your feelings are trying to teach you something. Setting boundaries actually helps with forgiveness. It gives us room to feel safe, so forgiving isn’t as scary anymore. You are allowed to feel safe in ALL your relationships.
 This Yom Kippur, instead of begging Hashem to help you forgive so and so, maybe try gently giving that a rest. Perhaps ask Hashem to help you forgive yourself, and to help you build your compassion towards You, which will start to open up your heart. Others can find their way in there, when you are ready. To not be able to forgive isn’t bad. You’re not a bad person or a bad Jew. You just need some more emotional tending in your own garden. Hashem knows this. He loves you, and He is patient. He wants you to love yourself like He loves you. He doesn’t want you to suffer just to stay on the team. He wants you to thrive. He wants you to treat yourself beautifully, so that your heart will grow and include the world. He gave you all these feelings, and so they must be real. You can’t expect Him to protect you if you cannot do that for yourself. Forgive yourself for treating yourself less than, and for treating others less than. Start there, learn from there. The rest will come in time, and if it doesn’t, forgive that too. Untying our own knots ultimately creates a much bigger net of safety for everyone.
Forgiveness is a skill most aren’t taught. That’s why it’s so hard. We are trying to speak Chinese, without ever having taken a class from a teacher who speaks that language. Forgive yourself for acting from what you were taught. We know better, we do better. In my opinion, Yom Kippur shouldn’t be about listing all the ways we suck, hitting ourselves, and begging for forgiveness. Would you want your child to act that way towards you? We are children of a God who loves us and is caring for us in ways we don’t understand. Yom Kippur, for me, will be a day I feel closer to God by showing gratitude for the chance to always practice, progress, and evolve. He wants your evolution. He designed you to evolve. He’s rooting for you. Don’t be afraid of Him. You don’t have to prostrate yourself and beat yourself up. Allow for a new model of forgiveness, one that starts with love. Then stand back and watch as things begin to shift. Old cycles will cease, and new ways of being will emerge.
Forgive yourself for not having known how to do this, and thank yourself for being open to growth and change. You will always be a person who will need forgiveness. So will all other people. But I urge you to redefine what forgiveness means. Sending love and strength as you bravely explore this path. Go new routes if the old ones didn’t get you anywhere. You are being guided always.

Dirty Money

This is a particularly raw post for me to write. This topic, my family, is often one I stay away from. My family is not a safe space for me. After living with an overwhelming amount of deep rooted toxicity that was making me physically sick (I’ve had ulcerative colitis since I’m 11), I decided to mostly disengage from my family. It took ten years of therapy on this one topic, to feel that I wasn’t the biggest piece of garbage for doing so. The guilt was all consuming. I endured tons of insults, shame, and blame for being selfish. My departure was seen as massive rejection. To get me to stay was control. Wanting to protect myself from hurt, cruelty, and betrayal was viewed as the gravest offense someone in my family could commit. It was a large, mean, controlling clan that was infected with severe emotional dysfunction. Emotional abuse was administered like a test to prove one’s loyalty. One of my gastroenterologists first sent me to therapy. My third child was a year old, and my flare was so bad that I could barely hold him. I hadn’t been consistently healthy since before my diagnosis. I suffered two rounds of extreme hair loss and psoriasis, as side effects from the colitis. Colitis, like all forms of IBD, is a humiliating and merciless condition. I was a slave to it. Even a five minute car ride was petrifying, in case I had to use a bathroom. I have had accidents in front of my children. I once used one of my baby’s diapers while driving my girls to day camp, which was a 7 minute ride from my house. One of the messed up things in my family was that they loved illness. Suffering contained a warped sense of pride via suffering (a common drip down effect in Holocaust surviving families). So my physical illness, along with the rest of me, was extremely mishandled. Keeping a safe distance over the years has been essential to my overall health and well being. It was a painful yet necessary decision, for many reasons. I don’t believe that anyone should be made to feel like shit by family, just because there is a biological connection. Anyone who tells you otherwise is perpetuating a lie. The people in our lives are a big deal. They should provide us with joy, comfort, safety, trust, and support. Life is too short and too precious to be spent with people who mistreat you. Your body always knows the truth. It is a neutral messenger.  A lack of family boundaries sets the stage for massive boundary violations in other areas, especially within ourselves. How we treat ourselves on the deepest level, is a direct mirroring of what we were first taught through our earliest relationships. It has taken me years to understand this, to unlearn and relearn. I write about boundaries so much because I’m still kind of fascinated by them. They are still new. Each time I set one, I heal. Each healing leads me down the path to a life that is my very own, a life I am proud of and deserve.

There is a series currently on Netflix called Dirty Money, in which there is an episode about my public family. I don’t watch much TV. In March, one of my closest friends made me aware of this. She didn’t want me to hear about it in the wrong way, from the wrong source, or even worse, accidentally trip and fall over it while perusing Netflix. I was grateful she told me. My family is a source of shame for me, and I have no interest in revisiting these shameful, unpleasant topics that are resurrected in the media every so often. There are photos of me in this episode; a fact that I’m intensely uncomfortable with. I want no part of the disgusting stories the episode centers on, and I will do anything to protect myself and my children from being associated with this. Releasing myself from the shame of this inadvertent involvement is something I’m working on. I have no cause to feel ashamed of something I didn’t do, and it’s a heavy load I’d like to unpack at this point in time. I’m writing this because last night I had a conversation with a friend who had just watched it. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t tempted to watch it myself. I really and truly never considered watching it; that is the crux of this post. I explained that watching it would be a form of masochism. It wouldn’t serve me, it would be bad for my mental and emotional health, and it would lower my energetic vibration. I work so hard at taking good care of myself. I eat well, treat my body well, surround myself with good people, and engage in activities that feed my soul. Music, writing, nature, cooking, and service to others are some of the ways I’m good to myself. Eliminating harmful people, and exposure to certain things, are very much included in self care. I’m selective with what I read, what I watch, which social media I follow, and what music I listen to. For instance, I watched two episodes of the Jeffrey Epstein series. I felt sick and so I stopped. It was simply information I do not need. It made me nauseous because it was indeed mental pollution. We have the right and the ability to filter and adjust everything. I’d never drink contaminated water, so why would I watch a contaminated show? I understand the human curiosity to watch a show about one’s own family, but it would be a terrible betrayal of myself if I did. If I wanted to, fine, but I don’t. I love myself too much to be the cause of my own emotional nosedive. Learning to not follow every human impulse is a big part of self care too. Just because a thought or idea is there, it doesn’t mean we have to follow it. Setting this boundary was something only I could do, and it was an act of self love and self respect. It felt like the right decision. We always know when we are either honoring or dishonoring ourselves. No one gets it right all the time, and self care is a skill that takes practice. We can only learn what feels good after knowing what feels bad. As always, I remain grateful to whatever has taught me what feels good, however painful those lessons have been.
Protect yourself. It’s not only your right, it’s your job. If you can’t trust yourself then you’re connection to You suffers greatly. Be there for yourself in whatever way you need to be. Sending love to all beings struggling with this.