October Reflections: Refuge

I wanted to share what I wrote for zen class homework today, about the concept of refuge. As I learn to take refuge within my own body and breath, as well as within the present moment and whatever it contains, I’m finding increased safety and comfort in all areas of my life. It’s essential we learn to take refuge within, but also in the Way itself, as well as in sangha, community. The interconnection amongst us all is staggering. Refuge is needed for not only rest, but even more so for growth. It’s not a place to disappear; it’s a place in which to be found. Where in your life, and with whom, do you find refuge? 

I was so moved the the teaching of “kie-ei” in The Heart of Being, by John Daido Loori. The word “refuge” is such a powerful word, and it has always felt like the ultimate safe space, where one can seek out safety and rest. It has felt, to me, like a place where one can collapse after a long physical or emotional journey, which evokes a somewhat passive state. Like a warm, Jewish Bubbie saying, “come, Bubbeleh, lay keppie (your head)”.
In reading about how kie-Ei means to “unreservedly throw oneself into” while “relying upon”, I was struck by how the term “refuge” went from passive to active. This made more sense to me when applied to practicing. Suddenly, a place of refuge went from being a resting place, to a space of a  safety net,  which then bolsters our unreserved active practice. As in, we don’t need to hold back since we will always be caught by the dharma. The analogy of the parent always being there, watching, as the child learns to get up and walk, was really beautiful. As a mother, my goal is to have my kids know I’m a steady, encouraging safety net for them, who will catch them and help them back up. We can’t learn things for others, nor shield them from mistakes, failures, and foibles. As I’ve begun to learn through contemplative care practice at our zen center, showing we trust the other person in relationship is essential for watering whatever garden is in front of us. No one flourishes without being believed in. Having Dharmic refuge lend the message of, “I trust you, I believe in you, I am holding you, now go forth!” is different than refuge in the sense of ,”take a break”. I saw it as the person standing, who is lifting up the acrobat to jump. Trust is required from both parties. They both have to believe in the other to work together effectively.  I really liked the idea that the dharma, which is a parent or a teacher, believes in our ability to keep going, falling and getting up. It’s like the earth, always beneath us, always supporting us. I love bowing, and also Kin hin, and connecting different body parts with the ground during each bow and step. It cements my relationship to the earth element, which whispers, “wherever you land, I’ll catch you”. Every single one of us needs to be able to rely on ourselves, in the sense of trusting ourselves and our inner teachers. But we also need to rely on each other, to provide support, love, and encouragement. I find refuge in sangha, specifically this one, since it’s this group that understands and knows how to support my spiritual path. I have different groups and communities that support various parts of my life, but having a spiritual sangha that gets this whole thing is inherently liberating; there is refuge in being seen, understood, and valued, just for being here.
The lesson of kie-ei felt like this;
I love you, keep going
I’m holding you, keep going
I believe in you, keep going
I know you, keep going    
As you go, I’m going with you.