Post Divorce Invites

Hi. Wow. So I can’t tell you how many messages I received after last week’s post on forgiveness. As long as we live human lives, human interpersonal relationships will be complicated and challenging. It’s crucial as we navigate them, to remember we have agency and choice. So many readers wrote in, relaying years old struggles with the same people. I know it’s difficult, but we always have the choice to remain in a toxic, abusive dynamic or leave. It’s not easy yet it is that simple.

Years ago, I read a life changing book, This Is How, by Augusten Burroughs. I adore his writing and lens. It was a book basically explaining how to choose. In his case, one of the choices he had to make before dying, was to continue drinking or quit. He put it like this; I really wanted to drink, but I wanted to not die a little more than I wanted to drink. That was it. An addict of any kind has to make that choice over and over, most likely until death. I really want to eat more cake, but I really want to not be annoyed I did. I really want to text that guy, but I really want to maintain my dignity. I really want to lose it on my child, but I don’t want to feel guilty later (or make said child feel bad). We make hundreds of choices a day. We can want both things simultaneously, but one has to win out, in order for some kind of choice to be made. Anyone who went through a divorce has had to make the enormous choice of, I really don’t want to break up my family, but I also really don’t want to remain in a situation that isn’t what it should be. It was so sad to hear about so many people choosing to stay in emotionally abusive relationships because it’s too hard to leave. Believe me, I get it. It took a village to permit me to “manage” many unhealthy dynamics in my own life. But we must be accountable; if we stay and put up with it then it’s on us. Reading articles and listening to podcasts, even meditating and praying, will not change anything for you. Collecting information and doing research is meaningless without integration. I encourage you to look very closely at these interpersonal narratives, and truly decide what it is you want. Do I want to spend the next few years having this weigh on me, or do I want to choose uncomfortable freedom? If we choose the first direction, there is a good chance we are addicted to that narrative of suffering. It’s very common to complain about something for so long, that we don’t know what we’d do without that victim identity. It’s like tending to our wounds becomes a form of temporary validation, when the most effective form of validation is to leave the table.

Recently, I found myself in a situation in which my own reaction surprised me, to not getting an invitation to a (former) family event. My ex and I are on very good terms, and I have remained close and connected to many of his extended family members. I talk to many of them more than he does, which he’d be the first to admit :). I have, thus far, continued to be invited to all their occasions, and I attend as much as possible. These are good people with whom I’ve had a connection to for many years, so it never occurred to me that that had to ever stop. I don’t have that provincial definition of family, and I’m foolishly surprised when people can’t make decisions outside the lines. It’s so interesting, though; the uptight rigidity in defining “family”, is directly linked to uptight rigidity elsewhere. A closed person is a closed person. My reaction was so surprising to me, because the people that didn’t invite me are people I don’t want in my life. They aren’t people I’d ever choose. I spent years praying to God to get me away from them. So now that I am away from them, why should I care or be surprised to be excluded? I didn’t like the message it sent to my kids, which I stand by; your mother is not welcome here. I think it’s incredibly insensitive to my children, but expecting any measure of sensitivity from these individuals is like asking a blind person to read the dictionary. If my ex and I were not in each other’s lives, then lines are clearly and logically drawn. But for he and I to spend holidays and occasions together by choice, as well as social events, it was a bizarre move to invite the mailman’s first cousin’s housekeeper and not me. In explaining this to a friend, he said, “this sounds like a really easy situation for you to walk away from”. He is totally correct. These were people who treated me like garbage while I was technically in the family, so to think I’d be regarded with humanity in divorce is stupidity on my part. There was another event coming from a similar source that I wasn’t invited to either, from someone who I always got along really well with. He invited family members that I know he can’t stand, yet didn’t invite me. This person is different, and I still like him, but it was unexpected. It is extremely telling how a family treats you post marriage. If they can discard you so quickly, then these are NOT your people. If they can only tolerate your presence based on paint by numbers circumstances, then they don’t deserve you at all. It comes down to mature decision making. I can choose to follow upsetting thoughts and triggers, about people I don’t want to be around, or I can choose to emotionally disengage. It’s that simple. Even if we are in situations where we don’t have the option of ending a relationship, we can still choose to create space emotionally and mentally. We can choose to not follow thoughts at any time, and instead see them as passing clouds. You will always be the sky through which all kinds of clouds will pass. You will always be the ocean that will hold all sorts of waves. Thoughts are just passing phenomena, they come and go. That person in your life who has added nothing but toxicity, how much longer are you going to decide to let it consume you? Yes, it’s easier said than done, but so what? We can do difficult things. If you’ve had a baby, hello?? Besides, it’s much more difficult to remain ensnared in this emotional trap. We have to pick. If the truest, most actualized vision for your life doesn’t include these people, or getting emotionally railroaded by them, you must make a choice and commit to that vision. We don’t get to have it both ways; if we don’t want them in our lives then we can’t get upset when we aren’t included. Can we find a way of being that goes beyond our thoughts and patterns?
As I put together my end of life box, and sit down to list the people I’d want at my funeral, as well as who I adamantly do not want in attendance, it’s clear. Am I going to continue to drink poison over people that don’t belong at my funeral? I’m smarter than that, and it took these few instances to kick my ass into perspective. We are always given the experience we need in order to evolve. If you find yourself in the same space over and over, then trust it keeps happening to teach you to forge a new path. You can’t expect change if you don’t partner with the idea of it. Me praying to God to remove certain players in my life story wouldn’t have ever happened had I stayed exactly the same. God is always listening, I believe, but you must use agency and make the choice that serves you. Just like others should be accountable for how they treat us, we have to be accountable for self treatment. We are usually stuck in the past, and are reliving terrible experiences, or we are throwing ourselves into the anxiety of future interactions with people who have historically hurt us. We try to protect ourselves from the future by maniacally planning for it now. Even if the event is a year away! That’s crazy, right? But we can’t help it. This is where presence and breath work really help. Eckhart Tolle is one of my favorite teachers on presence and conscious mindfulness. There are actual techniques you can learn to take yourself out of the past and future, and return safely to the present, where you are most likely ok. Sometimes I will literally list present circumstances and details to bring me home. “I am sitting on a couch. I am alone, which means the person I’m stressing about is not here. I just drank an iced coffee, which I enjoyed, I am breathing, my feet are touching the earth, I am getting dressed to go out, etc”.  Going over present facts helps free myself from other time zones. The past is gone, and the future isn’t real. Most of our obsessing over other people is clinging to false realities. We can, we must, choose to return to the present. It’s the here and now that matters. If the present includes those toxic people in your life, you can leave early, or go deeper into your body. Your breath is actually louder than your thoughts (try it!). If you’re reading this, chances are you want to make a change. Follow that instinct. Let your choices heal you. We can choose our destruction or our healing. You already know what to do.