All Apologies

Hi, Friends. We’ve been spending a lot of time recently on toxic, unhealthy relationships, that at a certain point we are likely being called upon to leave. As tough as those dynamics are, they are easier than the times when we are hurt by the people that we do know love us. Hurting those we love, and being hurt by those we love, is an unavoidable part of life. Individuals are too complex to not get into emotional hot water, even with our favorite people. Raise your hand if you’ve never hurt your kids’ feelings. Yeah, didn’t think so. See? Even our most precious relationships get occasionally mishandled.

Recently, someone I have been close to for decades, did something bafflingly hurtful to me. I felt less wounded than I did confused.  The act was so outrageous, that it left me feeling like, “wait, what??”. Only at this point in my life would I have, and did, confront this person. My former versions did not have the skills to healthily communicate my hurt, without involving attack or fear of repercussions (whassup, first 40 years of my life). Screaming or stonewalling were the only methods of communication I was taught. At this much stronger, cleaner stage of life, I am able to calmly yet effectively state my case. This is a wonderful human being who I love having in my life, and so block delete is not fitting here. I think most often when people aren’t honest under the guise of “noted” or “I’m taking the high road”, it’s cowardice. Yes, we must use agency and selectivity when sharing our pain, but when that pain is really valid and it’s coming from a close source, to suppress our feelings is usually false martyrdom. It’s much more honorable to present our emotions directly, rather than bitch and moan to ten other people. It’s childish and it solves nothing. In fact, it only grows the problem. Whatever we give attention to expands, and so if we spend hours/weeks/years!! complaining to everyone BUT the one who hurt us, we shoot ourselves in the foot. Watering all that resentful energy, ultimately hurts us way more than anyone or anything else.

So I said something immediately. I firmly but (fairly) calmly said all I had to say. It felt good to honor myself with the gift of truth, and it felt great to speak with clarity and balance. That too is a gift to ourselves. It never feels good to go on a tirade. It’s like taking a hit of a drug; we feel powerful in the moment since The Ego feels it just won a prize, but then that shameful crash sets in, and we feel like shit, whether we admit it or not. One of the main chakras is the throat chakra, which governs speech. To swallow your verbal truth, or to always be spewing it out, leaves that energy center unbalanced. The middle way is always the goal. Balance, steadiness, equanimity. We always know it when we’ve lost our own footing. How can anyone listen to us when we aren’t listening to ourselves?

 So I was fully honest. I was met with apologies, excuses, and reasons. The reasons and excuses I did not buy, which I stated. The apologies I did, because I know this person loves and values me. They were glad I said something, one of the marks of a true friend. I thanked them for being receptive to what I said, but made it clear that I perhaps have some re-evaluating to do as far as where we stand. I don’t have shitty friends at this point. That is a fact. I have a tightly edited social circle, and I would do anything for those people. This person had always been included in that group. But if there isn’t reciprocity, then it’s time to face reality. This person really regretted what they had done, but it was a deliberately thought out action that may change how we journey on from here. Maybe, maybe not. Relationships are a place of practice. They are a dance. I care for this person very much, would be the first to praise or defend them, yet their place in my life is altered at the moment. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean all prior facts are erased, even if that person is great. Letting go isn’t giving yourself a lobotomy; it’s not having heavy emotion attached to the memory.
Care for yourself as you choose to speak your truth. When you handle yourself with care, you’ll automatically take better care of the situation. Right speech is part of the Buddhist Eight Fold Path. Being a shmuck is not.
Sending love to your throat chakra from mine.