How to Write a Forgiveness Letter // Ten Percent Weekly

I was sitting down to write this week’s Inspire post, and decided to check my email first. This was the first email I saw. I know that my writings on hurt and forgiveness are some of my most popular topics, since it’s something every single one of us struggles greatly with. I have Buddhist teachers who even after studying and practicing for decades, still have a very hard time with forgiveness. Forgiveness is like all other human dances in duality. We are meant to be born and to die, to be small babies who become tall adults, to laugh and to cry, to take in food then eliminate it, and to sleep and wake up, just to name a few of an infinite number of examples. We exist in an often very confusing and overwhelming world of juxtapositions and opposites. Perhaps the biggest, most underlying one is that we were created to live with an open heart, yet we are constantly contracting, closing our hearts in response to pain and hurt. It feels so heavy mentally, physically, and emotionally because we aren’t meant to carry around closed hearts that trap pain inside. That’s why release feels so good; because just as we are designed to instinctively close up to protect ourselves from hurt, so too are we designed to pry ourselves back open again. It’s really the only way to liberate ourselves from those heavy chains. I know that forgiveness is scary and frustrating, when we see it from a place of condoning the actions of others. Personally, I have realized recently that early on, I had to learn to condone, excuse, and rationalize the hurtful actions of others as a survival skill. That made me sad, though I welcome the awareness. I know that forgiveness can feel like throwing ourselves to the wolves, but it can really be done on a very private level. The one who hurt you never has to know about the steps you are taking to free yourself from past pain. I thought this letter writing idea would be helpful to many of you. You can do it on your own time, in your own safe space, and no one else ever has to know. It’s something you can try over and over until it starts to feel organic, and tiny cracks in the armor around your heart start to reveal themselves. I suggest burning the letter after you’ve written it, as a symbolic gesture of burning away the past. One thing I have a hard time with is the “they tried their best”. I don’t buy that; it’s very easy to cause massive amounts of emotional destruction, then shirk yourself of any accountability by throwing up your hands, declaring, “I (we) tried our best!”. Sorry, that doesn’t feel authentic to me at all. It feels extremely dismissive and easy to claim, which only compounds the wounding. What I have been able to say though is, “they hurt me terribly. They did not try their best. But I forgive them anyway to free myself from the past”. I want my Present. I want my Future. I don’t want my Past keeping me from the greatness that is both now and still to come. Forgiveness is one of the most important things you can commit to giving yourself. Don’t rush it, but gently and consistently work on it. You deserve the highest quality of life, and an open heart is needed for that. You can do this because contraction and expansion is our emotional makeup. Fight for your expansion every single day of your life. Please remember to write letters of forgiveness to yourselves as well, if there is shame and guilt you need to work through. We all have things to forgive ourselves for, and many of us are truly trying our best. We all live with shame. We have let ourselves and others down. It hurts. We can learn and liberate simultaneously.

Let’s crawl out from those dark spaces together.
Dear Reader, You got this. Love, Me

Ten Percent Weekly
December 20, 2020 // ISSUE 180

Writing a Forgiveness Letter

by Sonja Lyubomirsky
 

2020 is, at last, almost over. With the turning of the new year, many of us are looking for ways to renew ourselves, even if we can't celebrate in the usual way with our friends or extended families. One way to let go of grudges and resentment, even if you can't do so in person, is to write (but not send) a forgiveness letter.

Now, psychologists who study forgiveness use a definition that differs a bit from the popular one. Forgiveness is not reconciliation—that is, it does not necessarily involve the re-establishment of the relationship with the transgressor. Forgiveness also does not mean excusing or explaining away the offense. And "forgive and forget" is a misnomer. It doesn't work that way.

The most important aspect of forgiveness is that it is something that you do for yourself and not for the person who has wronged you. Empirical research has revealed that forgiving others makes us less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic. We are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene. We are better able to move on. In empirical studies, people who forgave others felt a greater sense of control over their thoughts, less sadness and anger, and less reactivity in terms of their physiological stress responses (such as lower heart rate, lower blood pressure, and less furrowed brows). In other words, the bodies of participants who practiced empathy and forgiveness experienced less stress, and yours could too.

Easy to say. But forgiveness can be extremely challenging to carry out. That's why I've taught many of my students to write—but not send—a forgiveness letter. Here's how to do it.

1. Imagine Empathy

The first step is to imagine what forgiveness might feel like. Identify a particular person whom you blame for mistreating or offending you. And then, perhaps in the context of meditation or simply on your own time, engage in an imaginative exercise, during which you imagine empathizing with the offender and granting him or her forgiveness. Trying to feel empathy involves viewing the situation through the offender's eyes and ears, seeing them as a whole person rather than defined solely by the offending behavior. Again, this does not mean excusing or tolerating the offender's behavior; try not to get caught in questions of right and wrong. Instead, it's about letting go of your hurt, anger, and hostility and, for your own benefit, adopting a more charitable and benevolent perspective.

2. Embody Forgiveness

Next, as you imagine yourself granting this person forgiveness, turn toward your own thoughts and feelings. If you've trained in mindfulness, this should be familiar territory. When you imagine yourself forgiving this person, what emotions do you feel? What does your facial expression look like? Which physical sensations arise in your body? Try to experience these sensations in the exercise, even if it feels you are faking it. The more embodied your experience of forgiveness is, the more likely it is to have real and lasting impact.

3. Write the Letter

After the imagination phase, actually sit down and write a forgiveness letter to this person. Describe in detail the injury or offense that was done to you. Illustrate how you were affected by it at the time and how you continue to be hurt by it. State what you wish the other person had done instead. End with an explicit statement of forgiveness and understanding (e.g., "I realize now that what you did was the best you could at the time, and I forgive you").

Here are some real-life examples I have come across from a variety of people who have successfully forgiven using this approach:

I forgive my father for his alcoholism.

I forgive my freshman writing teacher for telling me that I couldn't write.

I forgive my boyfriend for not being there for me when I got depressed.

I forgive the guy who rear-ended my car.

I forgive my wife for having an affair.

I forgive my brother for humiliating me in public.

I forgive my friend for using me.

The second one is mine.
You may have a hard time writing the forgiveness letter. You may believe that the act is unforgivable or that the person doesn't deserve to be forgiven or that you are too overwhelmed by negative emotions about the event even to begin to think about letting it go. If this is the case, put the letter aside, and try again in a few days. Or perhaps choose another person (or act) to forgive, one that is a bit less painful; starting with an "easy" forgiveness exercise might be best. You can move on to more and more difficult cases with time.

4. Do not send!

After you've written the letter, see if you can let it go. Remember, again, you are not sending it—try to resist any temptation you may feel to do so, since that shifts the focus away from yourself and toward the other person, which is not the point of this exercise. You've said what you have to say; now see if you're ready to move on. Sometimes, you will be. Other times, maybe not—in which case, see if you can try to ruminate less on the feelings of hurt or resentment.

Finally, make forgiveness a habit, as you would a prayer. Even if the first time you do this exercise is difficult, it will become easier with time. Forgiveness is not a talent that you either have or don't have. It is a skill that takes a great deal of effort, willpower, and motivation. It must be practiced.

The effects can be profound. Nelson Mandela was once asked how he was able to forgive his jailers who had locked him up unjustly for 27 years. He said, "When I walked out of the gate, I knew that if I continued to hate these people, I was still in prison."