Zen Wisdom

https://open.spotify.com/episode/3GQEfEc49NTUFL4W5R3W7r?si=P3b9_G8HRTu5mq1ILsi1KQ

I’m so grateful for my zen teacher, Dr. Sensei Kōshin Paley Ellison. One of my favorite things about zen is that it’s so practical. There’s this idea that it’s this lofty, unattainable way of being that’s not very realistic. It can be thought of as too removed from the shit box that is often real life. I can tell you after a couple years of practice that’s it’s hands down the most practical way of dealing with cold, hard reality. One need not shave their head and become a monastic on a mountain top to follow a zen Buddhist path. Zen uses such clarity and truth to deal with the tangled mess of life. I thank God every day that I found this path. It has been medicinal in every way. Kōshin has a weekly podcast that is full of relatable wisdom teachings. He has a modern and often humorous delivery that brings ancient, timeless wisdom into the here and now. I wanted to share this with you. It’s very dear to my heart and life, as are all of you.

#Goals

As you prepare for the upcoming week, here are a three questions to contemplate:

1.) What is a new pattern I can work on that I would be proud to have made progress toward come next week?

2.) What is something I can do this week for pure enjoyment, without concern or need for progress?

3.) If this were my last week on earth, how would I relate to myself, my family, my community, and the earth?

The questions above were just texted to me from Cory Muscara, spiritual motivational guide on social media. I love how certain teachers and healers on the gram have a daily text community. I always find these prompts and affirmations helpful and grounding. These questions came at the perfect time, since I’m making today’s post about the television show Ted Lasso. My boys and I are currently obsessed with this series. Friends of mine had been telling me for awhile to watch it, and I knew that it was hugely popular and critically acclaimed. My impression was that it was a feel good show that would be nice and light, not my usual thing to watch. I took a crack at it a few weeks ago and am completely in love, not to mention the joy of watching it with my sons. It’s such a quality show that moves me for so many reasons, none of which are unexpected. Therein lies the magic of Ted Lasso; this formula is as old as time. It’s not a revolutionary feat of originality, yet it’s so deeply impactful. The positive, encouraging, genuine coach who turns a disjointed team into a family. The scheming boss who is won over and reformed by unfamiliar kindness. The various characters who have never known such care and respect, who can now feel valued so as to bring forth their best selves. None of this is unique and maybe that’s why Ted Lasso has become such a smashing success. Ted Lasso is that rare gem of a person who is so full of love that he pours it onto all on his midst. He improves each situation and relationship he enters with his presence, belief, and faith. He is a real deal light-worker. There’s an innocent purity to this character that is so uplifting. Every single one of us, whether we know it or not, needs to be loved, encouraged, and believed in. It’s remarkable and heartbreaking as to how much. We are designed for deep connection, to ourselves and others. We really matter to one another. Without such connections we become calcified with the pain of disconnect. Ted Lasso is a virtuoso in true connection, and so his presence becomes medicinal for everyone he comes into contact with. His unshakable belief in his colleagues, bosses, and players starts to peel off layers of hardened disappointment and emotional isolation. He helps the other characters do exactly as the above questions prompt; create new habits and patterns, find joy in their daily lives, and build and repair close and meaningful connections. These actions, like the questions, never get old. They are always so important in reminding us about how precious our lives are. Just as important are the people in our lives who remind us that we matter. That we are loved, held, supported, and believed in. These are the presences in our lives who are medicinal for us. No one can go through life alone. We need our guides, our teammates, and our cheerleaders. We need people to forgive us, lovingly correct us, and allow us to work out our shit on them (obviously not in an abusive or mean way). We need people who love us enough to truly be there in an unconditionally loving and supportive way. “Unconditional love” is a term that gets thrown around and misused. Easy to say, hard to do. Sadly, so many people give love highly conditionally but they themselves don’t even know the difference. When you find your person or people who are indeed there for you unconditionally, hold onto them as you would a precious gem. Hokey? Sure. Unoriginal? Of course. Because good ol’ fashioned qualities like love, trust, belief, kindness, goodness, unity, and connectivity will never be outdated or unneeded. It’s these offerings that people are starving for, and so it’s these offerings that have the power to change lives. The actual hunger to be seen, valued, loved, and supported is all too real. Ted Lasso serves this all up from the deepest place within his own heart. He gives with no attachment, the purest form of giving. It’s people like this, both real and fictional, who help us heal and hopefully pay it forward.
What are your goals this week to better care for both yourself and others? What other questions can you add to Cory’s list, in the service of personal and interpersonal expansion and connection?

Misery Muscle

Can we as Jews remember our pain without continuously choosing to reactivate our suffering? This was part of an interesting discussion I had with one of my wisest friends. She posed the question and I’d never thought of this before. It immediately brought to mind the bitter tears we literally eat on Passover, the noisemakers used to drown out the maniacal anti semite du jour (Haman) on Purim, all of Tisha B’av during which we read “lamentations”, and these are but a few examples. The Jewish wedding ceremony even includes the prayer for remembering Jerusalem; if we don’t then maybe our right hands be cut off! YIKES. Not very festive and wedding appropriate. And then there’s perhaps the biggest directive to Never Forget in response to the Holocaust, the biggest Jewish genocide in modern history. My friend was envisioning a possible way in which we as Jews can celebrate and honor our rich heritage without the doom and gloom. Tbh, I get why the more depressing aspects to our culture can feel unhealthy, possibly outdated. But the thought of losing that piece may ultimately dilute one of the most important elements to Judaism; the sheer miracle of our survival. How can we stay rooted in tradition if we remove the customs of misery? How do we have a Passover Seder that doesn’t include the actual drinking of pretend tears? It’s so incredibly grim yet it’s always been a necessary part of our story. If our ancestors had given this up generations ago, would we still be upholding these traditions and customs today? It comes to a point where we need to ask how crucial the misery factor is on our lives. Why do we rely on it so much to preserve our heritage? Who would we be without it? What would we talk about if this piece is removed? Can the joy of the holidays, as well as our culture at large, be maintained without the omnipresent Debbie Downer? Essentially, can we remember without letting the painful memories be the focus?
A wider point of inquiry for me is what the obsession with never forgetting does to the health and well being of the individual, the family, the community, and the culture. If I have been encoded to hold massive grudges and fear/hate certain people, then I’m obviously doing the same to my own children. Justified or not, it’s not a healthy thing. I completely understand and respect the fact that never forgetting the doom and gloom, pain, trauma, and danger towards Jews is a deeply necessary protective mechanism. We have a massively traumatic history. Any move to remember and know exactly who did this to us is a form of self defense. We are hyper vigilant because we have had to be. However, I also can’t ignore the fact that we are unconsciously choosing over and over to reactivate our collective trauma with the nonstop reminders of how everyone hates us and is out to get us. It’s like we aren’t giving ourselves a chance to know what it’s like to not be weighed down with the pain of all that.
I don’t know the answer, and frankly the thought of cutting out these painful parts to our culture scare me a bit. If we give up certain practices then what else will be carved away? This is the problem; when the notion of putting down pain feels unsettling. That alone speaks to the unhealthy relationship most Jews have with our own trauma. We seem to need it. As individuals, our addiction to our problems is a fascinating thing to investigate. How do we ever come up for air if there is a refusal to separate ourselves from life’s hardships? It’s one thing to be caught. Humans will always get caught, stuck, and hooked on suffering. It’s another thing to allow the hooks to never leave. It’s an unconscious decision to invite our trauma and suffering to move in rent free, forever. We pay it, not the other way around. The more our nervous systems become flooded with trauma, the harder it is to free ourselves. I call it the Misery Muscle. It gets stronger each time it’s flexed. We are constantly flexing and building up this muscle, and we most likely are totally unaware we’re doing it.
I don’t think the answer is to eliminate the Misery Muscle in Jewish culture. Remember, muscles aren’t optional. They’re a built in part of the body. What we can do, perhaps, is not work it out so much. We can weaken it by giving it less attention, and focus more on the healthier, more joyful parts to our heritage (there are many!). As a mother, I’m deeply uncomfortable ingraining any form of permanent misery into my children. Suffering is poisonous if it’s not dealt with. It’s a pervasive part of life. To live is to experience great suffering. But how to hold and acknowledge suffering and all its feels without getting swept away in it? This is one of the chief reasons I love Buddhist psychology so much; it teaches exactly this. It gives me the tools to deal with any kind of pain. If Jews believe in Tikun Olam (repairing the world), one of our religion’s most beautiful tenets, then how do we do that from under a thickly knotted net of suffering. When does never forgetting become a roadblock in moving forward in a way in which we can be our most actualized selves? Self actualized living includes a commitment to emotional liberation. Liberation means making new choices and moving in new directions; this comes from an inner place of wisdom and guidance. If the vow to cling to suffering prevents charting new paths, then this blocks said guidance. It suffocates our power of choice. One of our greatest human gifts is the ability to choose how we want to be in any given moment. We are always being asked to decide which seeds to plant. Seeds can be helpful, harmful, or most commonly a mix of both. One seed can produce a whole system of growth. I try to remember this as I refuse to take part in planting more forests of misery, in a world that’s already overgrown with that. That’s not what I wish to offer myself, my kids, my community, or my greater world.

James Baraz: Letting Go of Knowing: Loving The Mystery

I'm listening to "Letting Go of Knowing: Loving The Mystery:" by James Baraz
https://www.dharmaseed.org/teacher/86/talk/67545/

This is hands down one of the best talks I’ve ever heard, in both content and delivery. I had planned on another post today and will save that for next week. I heard this talk and was too moved by it not to immediately share. This dose of wisdom comes at a time where I’m working really hard of letting go of certain specific things. What was so helpful and inspiring here was the notion that letting go doesn’t have to feel like torture. I have been approaching it from a deep place of trust, wholly believing in the task at hand for all the reasons. And it’s hard. It’s meant to be hard. Which is why I figured that all the tough, crunchy discomfort that comes attached to surrender was par for the course. I know that pain has great purpose and that the greatest transformations often come after periods of intense emotional hardship. Pain, it seems, is an important and necessary part of the equation of change. Rewiring our neural pathways and habits ain’t for the weak and lazy.
The gist of this wonderful lecture (which I heard on the Dharma Seed app) is that we can adopt an attitude of not knowing from a place of wonder and wide eyed curiosity. It can actually feel good! When we can truly surrender and not feel like we are prying our stories off our hearts, but rather bring a mood of child like surprise to what’s next, then the task of letting go becomes a lovely and sweet endeavor. Yes, the firm, gritty decision to pivot no matter what is also a crucial piece to letting go. However I really responded to the possibility of this process feeling loving, soft, beautiful, and special; like, “hey, Universe, I’m so excited to not know because now I’m allowing myself to be surprised”. That sort of thing, where we partner to create an opening for the light to enter. I actually communicate this to Source all the time. Show me what miracles you have for me today. But I admit I often say that with more than a tinge of sad resignation. “Ugh, fine” vibes.
Two of the most important words in zen or other types of Buddhist practice are “not knowing” or “don’t know”. The greatest masters said this nonstop, and it’s considered unmatched wisdom. A fresh beginners’ mind is much easier said than done, but it’s one of the keys to a well lived life. We can plan and plan and still have no idea what’s to come. We can assume there’s control in knowledge of ourselves, our lives, and the lives of others and yet feel shocked when, guess what, we aren’t omniscient. The illusion of control is of course a great attempt in avoiding fear of not knowing, which essentially makes presence impossible in that we become obsessed with the future. Refusing to be open to the unknown mysteries and miracles that lie ahead is probably one of the quickest ways to kill our spirit. We need to remember that child like curiosity in life’s surprises, and how it physically and emotionally feels to open up a wrapped gift that was selected just for us. It’s like by tapping into the surprises that Source has picked out for us, we can enjoy the process of surrendering. We trust that magic is around the corner, which actually makes Now magical as well. Almost like boarding a flight to a magnificent destination; it’s exciting to take the ride to this incredible place. It doesn’t have to be a dreadful process. Surrender can be amazing, and vibrationally tapping into the joy of what’s to come will bring said unknown miracles forward even quicker. Perhaps. All shall be revealed in time. When and how, we don’t know.
“Let go and let’s go!”

The Cost of Overweight

In keeping with my current theme of the never ending practice of renunciation, this quote from this monk, whose wisdom I love in general (I’m always saving screenshots of her teachings) really resonated. Essentially, anything big or small that blocks our spiritual health most likely(definitely) needs to be released. This work isn’t complete without looking at the flip side of renunciation; what can I now add/continue that encourages me along on my spiritual journey? What a great lesson in impermanence. I see myself as a bucket, always filling up then pouring, repeating this cycle over and over. What a gift it is to be able to pry the unproductive and unhealthy elements from our lives, however excruciating this can be. What torture it is to have to force open our hard held habits of clinging. Can I renounce talking about the thing from 2 weeks ago in exchange for sitting outside for ten minutes? Yes. Can I renounce the need for a certain person in my life in exchange for the bigger picture? Yes. Can I give up a brief sensory experience (insert here) in exchange for discipline? Ugh, yes. Can I let go of the urge to call my friend and bitch about someone in exchange for choosing where to direct my energy and integrity? Yes. Can I give up extra hours of sleep to get up and meditate? Usually. Sometimes the sleep is more important, in which case I’m letting go of what it means to be a “good meditator”. Can I renounce this thought in exchange for the gift of peace of mind? Definitely.
Renunciation can be huge, like giving up meat or cigarettes, but it most often presents itself in our moment to moment choices. It is an intention that can feel like getting a car unstuck from thick mud. It’s crucial to not beat ourselves up as we practice renunciation, that is certainly not helpful in any way. Renouncing the need to self punish and self criticize is a beautiful and kind decision in the way of how we function in relationship with ourselves. Self criticism is self harm. It’s abuse we inflict on ourselves. It feels nicer to be objectively aware and accountable of how we dropped the ball, and firmly decide to do better next time. We can skip the part where we berate ourselves and list the reasons why we are failures. The universal spiritual endeavor is called a “path” or “journey” because it has movement. It has no destination, hence the word “practice”. We are all fellow travelers, and one thing I need to constantly remind myself of is that the trip feels lighter and more enjoyable the more I put down. Holding a ton of heavy packages makes getting anywhere pretty impossible.
One of the most stunning and loving questions we can ever ask of ourselves is, what can I put down right now? The more I practice this, the lighter I become by inquiry alone, since the very question points to a part of me that already knows the answer.

Falling

As the leaves begin to loosen and eventually drop, I’m thinking about what I can drop in my own life. What can I renounce and relinquish in the service of this new season of change and growth? Renunciation can feel exhausting. Like, when will there be a time where I can take a break from constant examination about my habits, extra weights, and patterns? It can get so tiring; rewiring myself all the time. Cleaning out closets is a draining task, let alone cleaning out my life. However, there’s no way around doing the work. A clean, sensible closet feels good, useful, and streamlined. With less clutter we can more easily see what we are dealing with, which naturally leads to better choices. How proud and accomplished do we feel in organizing ourselves and eliminating excess? This holds true for every area of life, especially spiritual practice. It’s impossible to have an alive, breathing spiritual practice that doesn’t include constantly taking stock of how I’m getting in my own way. What is preventing me from fully merging with this moment, this relationship, this existence?Thoughts, conditions, and habits that have been deeply grooved over time take lots of work to clear out. Almost always these habits will weave their way back into our lives, simply because they are so used to being a part of us. We have parts within each of us, smaller selves that want to protect us, that have come to rely on the predictability of these habitual reactions, and the safety in knowing an outcome often trumps the practical knowledge that said outcome isn’t healthy or optimal. Which is why vigilance and determination is needed to honestly admit where/how/what we can truly release. If the changing leaves teach us anything, it’s that all things can be let go of in a way that’s not only natural but necessary to usher in a new season. Change is the most natural thing in the world, yet we fight it in so many ways, often using various distractions and strategies to numb ourselves to whatever the present moment contains (hi, Netflix and Instagram). Renunciation, the firm choice to release, brings freshness and clarity. It feels lighter and healthier to truly give certain things up, even if we have to do it a thousand times in the service of creating new and more desirable habits. When we are lighter we can move about the world with more freedom and joy, and the clutter starts to reveal what’s been hidden underneath; our true joyful nature, like the nature of a sweet baby. Holding onto unhealthy things feels like shit, at least I know that’s true in my case. My zen teacher is always asking us, “Do you really need that story?” It’s truly a phenomenon, what we can cling to and what we can put down, only the putting down is so much harder. It’s easy to pick up dislike or a grudge. It’s super easy to pick up mean ideas about ourselves! That can happen in 2 minutes and last a lifetime. Putting the grudge or self doubt down is way harder, seemingly impossible sometimes. Ideas, prejudices, anxieties, tales, all these fixed notions; we had none of these at birth. We collected them over time and often confuse them for our personality. It’s possible, however challenging, to put down these heavy boulders that do nothing but drag us down. Things are only heavy once we pick them up and keep carrying them. Our lens becomes distorted by the weight of all our various views. Nothing feels clear or bright. Use that heavy, clogged feeling as a gift. It’s an arrow pointing towards an area that needs attention and likely some form of release. The body is an excellent switchboard, lighting up in whatever place is holding something. Whichever place you usually hold tension, that’s an area that’s asking to be relieved of something. None of this ever means we spiritually bypass our angers, fears, or hurts. Those are valid and you are meant to feel those things, often very deeply. Your emotional experience matters. But at a certain point we owe it to ourselves, and those around us, to dig ourselves out from under the pain so we can better function in our lives. It’s a constant changing of the seasons within our own lives, bodies, and cycles. This is proof that we are nature in the purest form. Each of us is physically comprised of the elements: earth, water, fire, and air. All the elements are shape shifters, changing form to harness different powers as needed. This is us. We can shift and transform, and we are meant to do just that. One of the things I love so much about yoga is the idea that each shape we arrange ourselves into symbolizes change and flow. Each pose is different, each day is different. When we can relax the grip on our fixed ideas about ourselves, others, and life in general then we create space for surprise, possibility, and wonder. A life without wonder, to me, is death. It leaves no room for the delight of New, no room for true presence in each moment. It’s like a cancelling out of the magic of the moment before the moment even arrives. By magic I don’t mean hugely epic stuff, though I do like to invite that in as well. I mean the bliss of being quiet enough to hear the birds sing, share a meal, touch someone or something we love, really appreciate the smile of a stranger, or pay actual attention to a song. Simple things that feel genuinely wonderful (full of wonder) when we are clear enough to be present with what is, pleasant or unpleasant. This is the essence of zen. Just being deeply here for whatever arises, much of which we won’t like since that’s just how life often goes. I don’t practice Zen and meditation to “be happy” and erase the complications of life. Zen demands deep and careful inquiry into the eye of the storm. It’s a way to work with the mind and body, both feeling and physically bodies, so that I can locate an inner stillness that we all possess, underneath our stuff. Touching that pure place of stillness automatically leads to presence, which often naturally leads to joy. I can tell you that when I do touch that place, the hara in Zen found just behind the navel, it’s euphoric and extremely peaceful. Actual joyful chemicals are released and delivered throughout the body. Everything feels better, and knowing I can access it at any time is peaceful and empowering. It’s like there’s this treasure located deep within us, but we have to follow a complicated map of our own making in order to get there. Imagine that; our own painful, messy stuff is actually the key to finding the buried treasure. It’s like my teacher, Sensei Kōshin Paley Ellison, said recently, “when you fall on the ground use the ground to get back up”. When we are sad/angry/overwhelmed, we can use those very experiences to rise back up by being curious about what these experiences are trying to tell us. Btw, his weekly podcasts are amazing. I encourage anyone to listen to his practical, universal wisdom. Pain is always a teacher. Even impatience on a coffee line is winking at us to perhaps take a look at our need for control, our need to have the line move how WE feel it should move. Again, it’s usually always going back to the stories we spin. If we spun them we can also unravel them.
A couple of months ago I was really struggling in a couple of areas, spiritually and personally. I was at a precipice and I knew it. I knew what was being asked of me but I wasn’t ready to leap, since I was gripping on so tightly to certain stories. I was faced with certain choices, and at one point I decided it was enough of doing anything half assed. I don’t want half of anything; not in a relationship, not in my spiritual practice, not in my overall commitment to myself, not in how I treat my one precious life. I still have all the feels and thoughts that creep back in, and this weekend in particular I was knocked over with extreme agitation about something. It lasted awhile and it absolutely took me out of presence. And so I reminded myself of the choice I always have to practice renunciation. Once I relaxed the grip and need to hold onto this heavy topic, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally able to calm down and actually be in my body without fighting reality.

Renounce
Remind
Remember
Release
Relax
Refresh
Restart
Relearn
Renew
Return, Return, Return.

How to Train Your Mind Away from Anxiety — Ten Percent Happier

I recently had to read Unwinding Anxiety by Dr. Jud Brewer for my CPE class. I believe all human beings on earth should be made to read this book. I feel this way about other books in my chaplaincy curriculum, and I’ll be sharing those as well in the future. This book is incredibly helpful in doing exactly what it teaches. I don’t know a single person that doesn’t need help with this, and I’m learning more and more that there are many tools available to do this. Anxiety is not a life sentence, a personality, or a tar pit from which we can’t get unstuck. We are not our minds or nervous systems. We are much more than those things; we HAVE them but we are not them. This book also has an app of the same name that offers a wealth of grounding ways to help us unwind our anxiety. It’s our responsibility to learn how to manage our shit, so that we can get out of our own ways and habits that prevent us from being in relationship with the world and our loved ones. I hope you read this article, find it helpful, and perhaps be intrigued enough to buy the book and check out the app. To discover an existence in which we drive the mental bus instead of being trapped on it as it careens off a cliff, is revelatory and liberating.

https://www.tenpercent.com/meditationweeklyblog/on-anxiety

Today Is A Good Day To….

Unapologetically set boundaries, even if it’s hard.

Eat something you really enjoy.

Walk barefoot on any natural surface (grass, stone, dirt, stand in water).

Dance with abandon in your closet.

Reconnect with someone who has been on your mind.

Apologize to a loved one. Modeling apologies to our kids is vital for so many reasons.

Download that song you’ve been loving on the radio.

Begin therapy.

Sit and breathe for five minutes.

Get or give a massage.

Bake something.

Photograph or sketch anything in nature.

Be silly.

Think of five things you love/like/appreciate about yourself.

Slowly sip your tea, coffee, or smoothie. Being mindful and slow with our daily rituals is an important presence practice.

Keep your lymphatic drainage system working, in order to keep things flowing to eliminate toxins. I do this with yoga, dry brushing my skin, self oil massage, and Ga Shua facial massage.

Organize that closet or drawer. How we care for our space matters. Again, mindfulness is a practice that spills over.

Express verbal appreciation to our families, friends, co workers, employees.

Find a support group.

Not berate yourself.

Lay in the sun, even for a few minutes.

Bring flowers or something to an elderly neighbor. Everyone wins in an act of genuine kindness.

Listen to a talk, podcast, or E book that will benefit you. Doing things purely for enjoyment is extremely beneficial.

Admit out loud you need support.

Investigate the negative beliefs you hold about yourself. It’s the only way to clear them out. It takes time and possibly a village, but it’s the only way to free yourself from what lurks be beneath that surface we all carefully construct. It’s ok to be afraid of the discomfort. Choose bravery over familiarity.

Pick seasonal fruit at a farm.

Play the cloud game with your kids (what shapes the clouds look like).

Do something fun you liked as a kid. Play is a vitamin.

Take vitamins. I take a lot daily and it’s an essential part of my self care routine.

Think about what you really want for your life, and manifest that. Imagine it, create what it looks like in your mind. Feel it. Pinterest boards are a fun tool for this. Anything you can imagine means it’s a possibility (I mean, unless you’re imagining becoming a unicorn or Jeff Bazos’s penis rocket).

Take a class, virtually or in person, on that topic you’ve been wanting to explore. We are blessed to now have infinite access to virtual education. Make time for what matters to you. No one needs to approve or get it. No one.

Book a hair color/cut appointment.

Have a good day.
A good day doesn’t mean it’s 24 hours of blissful perfection. That’s an illusion that will lead to disappointment and possible feelings of failure. A good day looks like being at one with whatever the moment/hour/brings. To embrace your sadness is good. To acknowledge your healthy feelings of anger is good. To admit you were wrong feels amazing. Our dark parts need attention, and to welcome them into our day is good, healthy, and necessary. They get stronger when ignored. They belong here because they have a lot to teach, and they will stay until they do.

Not lie to yourself. About anything. Denial solves nothing. Shame solves nothing. We begin to release only with radical honesty. Start slow.

Remind yourself of your worth. Over and over again.

Not kick yourself for lapsing in knowing your worth.

Start to truly ask yourself what a good day looks and feels like to you. What can you add to your ever changing, personal list?


Allow each day to be different, even if it may appear the same.

Birthday List

I wanted to share something I did today while celebrating the birthday of someone special. A few of us were at lunch for the occasion, and as I like to do, I asked all present to go around the table 21 times (the person was turning 21) and say something nice about the guest of honor. What made this atypical was that the birthday individual was part of this exercise. It may have felt strange of uncomfortable at first, and one person there thought it was weird to ask the person to say nice things about themselves.
We live in an environment in which we are so conditioned to not honor ourselves. Anything we do in favor of us is deemed boastful, self centered, even selfish. It’s crazy; we read posts all over social media how we must love ourselves and how the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. We like and heart these posts, but what does this even mean when it’s so awkward to acknowledge and appreciate ourselves for our gifts, strengths, qualities, and contributions? It’s not bullshit to say that the way we treat ourselves is the blueprint for how we treat others. As Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says, if our circle of compassion doesn’t include ourselves then it’s incomplete. I have become a firm believer in embracing what I love about myself, in looking at my strengths just as easily and quickly as I look at my faults and screw ups. As my zen teacher says, no one needs to practice for finding fault in ourselves and others. We are frighteningly good at that, right? Yet most of us have such a hard time celebrating ourselves. It’s like speaking our good parts out loud feels like nails on a chalkboard. Which is really sad. Why, as a society, do we have such a tough time shouting our awesomeness from the rooftop? Who taught us not to and why? We can change this conditioning, which is why this birthday activity felt so joyful and necessary. We have to train our minds for self love, and it’s vital we teach our children this. I loved hearing what this person said about herself. It made this game more fun, surprising, and special. We must champion ourselves more than we self criticize, and the most effective way to do this is to familiarize ourselves with learning about our wonderful contributions to our own life and to the lives of others. This awareness alone is something to honor. It takes courage to take a magnifying glass to ourselves in any way, and it’s a crucial endeavor to that rich inner connection we all seek. If the point of life is to connect, which I believe it is, then that begins at home.
I hope this idea helps you invite your loved ones to participate in learning how to be in their own fan club. We all want to see our loved ones thrive and be joyful, and teaching them that it’s ok to love themselves is a very important piece to that puzzle. The more we fill our own cup, the more we can pour onto others.

Ha Tikvah

Ha Tikvah, which means The Hope, is the Israeli national anthem. My second daughter loved when I sang this to her when she was a toddler. I loved singing to my kids and each night they’d each choose three songs to hear. This child always made Ha Tikvah one of her choices. Today that kid is almost 19, and we put her on a plane to spend a gap year in Israel. Since this is a common move post high school in the orthodox community, I have concluded that we parents often don’t process the enormity of it, by virtue of the fact we are so used to it. It’s major though. Sending a teenager across the world to a Middle Eastern country that is constantly under the very real threat of attack, would understandably seem completely insane and irresponsible. A friend and I have been discussing this the past few weeks, a friend whose daughter is also going, and we decided that it’s crazy how normalized this decision is. Are we in denial as parents? Are we choosing the expected, rote move over logic and rationale? Have we reached herd level stupidity in shipping our children off to Israel? Who the heck cares if almost everyone else is doing it?? I am not a conformist in any other area of my life so these questions were both curious and uncomfortable. I love Israel deeply. I actually spent a gap year there myself. I obviously am approaching this idea differently as a parent than when I was 18, but circumstances were certainly safer when I went. Granted, now there is texting and FaceTime. I am not a helicopter parent at all, but I’m hyper vigilant about safety and caution. I know all this letting go is part of the parenting deal, but giving my daughter a lecture about never taking a bus out due to the ever present threat of suicide bombers is objectively fucked up. I am at peace with having conflicting emotions in life, which means I welcome feelings of anxiety, sadness, and excitement that surround this experience for me as a mother in this situation. Along with that comes hope. Hope she will be safe, hope I can visit her in times of a third covid wave, hope there won’t be forced lockdown, hope she won’t spend weeks in bomb shelters like her friends did last year, hope she will be happy there, and hope that my beautiful Israel will be safe and at peace. Ha Tikvah is a truly loaded title for a song. Israel’s very existence is constantly under fire, as we have seen with the disgusting storm of anti Semitism that has gone on for many months. I will never defend or debate Jewish ties to our own homeland, that’s not what this post is about. That’s like me debating why the French should be able to live in France, or me contemplating whether or not I’m pro Italy. Over it. However, “hope” in regards to Zion, Israel, the Land of Milk and Honey means many things. For the granddaughter of Holocaust survivors, it means hope of the continuity of the Jewish people which is absolutely sustained, nurtured, and nourished by the land of Israel. As vulnerable as Jews are worldwide, since we are hunted for sport, we would be toast without Israel. It is our safety, our sanctuary, our home base. Jews have been fully ethnically cleansed from countless countries. Completely. Israel accepts and welcomes Jewish refugees from all over the globe. There is no more such a thing as the lost tribes since all Jews are found in the holy land. And sadly, America, the land of the free and home of the brave, has not been a friendly place for Jews recently. This week a 19 year old yeshivah student was mercilessly gunned down in Denver in an act of hateful anti Semitism. Which basically blows up the safety argument. Anti Semitism has been continuously vicious both here and worldwide, making Israel probably and ironically the safest place for Jews. Is it strange that I won’t let my kids take ubers here yet will ship them off to Israel alone? Yes. Is it bizarre that American parents pack up our youth for a year in a place where rocket fire is normal and buildings aren’t up to code unless they contain a bomb shelter? No question. So why do we do it then? More so, why am I doing it? The answer can seem unsatisfactory in its simplicity. Because as Jews it is just what we do. It’s as if we block out the long list of why nots in favor of the one why; it’s our homeland and we fucking love it. I can’t think of another country where parents who are active citizens elsewhere, have children who selflessly and courageously volunteer to serve in an army in a country where they don’t live. Jews from all over the world literally put their lives on the line to join the IDF. The Israeli army is no joke. You may very well not come home. It is clear that our instinct to protect and serve this land defies logic, which true love is meant to do. As I looked around the airport at Jews from all types of backgrounds, calmly lining up at security as if on line for a Disney ride, I was genuinely comforted, at least in the moment. I was comforted by that Jewish resolve to do what we do no matter what the rest of the world says or thinks. We have ALWAYS beat to our own drum, and it’s this very quality of non conformity that the rest of the world seems so threatened by. Solidarity trumps popularity, at least for the Yiddin who are proud of who we are. My Buddhist practice teaches no separation. I admit I am most at peace in my life, body, mind, and heart when I open myself up to this practice. It genuinely feels good on all levels. But I was placed in a Jewish body for which I’m extremely grateful. I have been conditioned to define humans as Jews or non Jews. This is complete separation, and I don’t know yet how to marry both ideologies. Maybe I never will. Sometimes this division bothers me since separation is wrong and feels like shit to me, and sometimes I’m really proud to be in the exclusive Jewish club. I have sadly concluded that the world indeed also defines us in those terms; Jews and non Jews. How do I, a Jew, escape a concrete label that is coming at me from both sides? My desire to just be known as a human being is strong, and that has nothing to do with not maintaining my intrinsically deep connection to a culture, history, language, and traditions that I love. As is evidenced by the extreme reactivity to Jews throughout history, as well as currently, the whole freaking world is fiercely determined to keep Jews in our own category, so that it can keep throwing darts at us. And you know what? Fuck it. I’m still going to get on that hellish line at JFK airport and board an El Al flight to Israel because it is my birthright, my privilege, and my responsibility. And it’s my job as a Jewish mother to impart the same ideas to my kids. Jews must stick together. We don’t have a choice. Those who think they do will change their tune very quickly when another genocidal madman usurps power. Torquemada, Hitler, and the Taliban ain’t handing out street cred points to self hating Jews. Let’s see how fast these anti Zionist progressives clamor to buy condos in Herzeliya when there’s a pogrom in LA or Brooklyn. And guess what? Israel will turn not one of them away, despite how many times they have turned their backs to her. Because Israel is the motherland and mothers, good ones, welcome their children unconditionally and without judgement. Mothers can’t always explain our actions. And when said actions come from a place of wholeness and purity, we no longer feel we have to.

In God’s Name

I recently returned from a family trip to Barcelona. It was my first time in Spain and certainly the first big trip taken during this pandemic. It was truly a blessing to be able to explore a new place with my daughters. The architecture alone is reason enough to go. Huge, stately old homes and castles which are now mostly apartment buildings, and of course the genius work of Gaudi. I was very much looking forward to touring the Jewish quarter. Spain has a rich Jewish history that dates back centuries. The oldest synagogue in all of Europe is in the Jewish quarter of Barcelona, and that’s saying a lot. We also saw the site of one of the oldest ritual baths (a Mikvah) which is now in the back of a store. The owners were nice in letting us come see it, but it’s mostly covered by merchandise being stored. I love both history and Judaism so I was very moved learning about some of the ancient Jewish sages that stood in those very streets. Ramban, Abarbanel, and Rashba to name a few. The Jewish and gothic quarters neighbor each other. I had known a bit about the Spanish Inquisition, which was essentially the Holocaust of that time and region, but since it was hundreds of years ago I never felt deeply connected to it. This is my fear with the Holocaust itself; that generations to come won’t be emotionally tied to this brutal and important period in history that has all but defined 20th century Judaism. That’s obviously a natural progression over which we have no control. As survivors die out and time simply moves us further away from these major events in history, it’s almost impossible for future generations to deeply internalize the weight and complexity of any such event, no matter how massive. During the Inquisition, there were numerous punishments and methods of torture doled out that almost make mass shootings and gas chambers seem like no big deal. I don’t say that lightly. This went on in Spain, after originating in Italy, for centuries. The most disturbing piece is that all of this brutality, torture, and murder was done entirely in the name of God. It was mandated and carried out by the church. Anyone practicing a different religion was considered a threat to the church, so Jews, among others who disagreed with this for whatever reason, were basically given the choice to convert or be killed. Neighbors ratted out Jews to save their own families, some rabbis were forced to give over all the names of their hidden congregants, and it was a murderous and terrifying bloodbath that lasted for generations. I’d never go to Warsaw or Berlin on vacation for all the obvious reasons a granddaughter of survivors wouldn’t go, yet I was having a grand old time, as well as spending Shabbat, in a city that absolutely tortured and destroyed it’s Jews. As I said to a friend, from a Jewish perspective Barcelona is Krakow but with better packaging. It was a very heavy thing to hold; what Jews worldwide and throughout history have gone through just to stay alive. Just to breathe, live, love, procreate, pray, work, laugh, dance, eat. Normal things that humans do. It’s just been so much harder for us than what it should be. It made me incredibly sad, and given the recent global anti Semitic climate, none of us are out of the woods. We have almost always had the looming threat of death being lorded over us. Why can’t we just be left alone? Why is our very existence just such a problem and a threat? We learned about how after certain rabbis were forced to convert to Christianity and take positions in the church to prove their loyalty, they’d carve stars of David into the stained glass windows, as a secret code to let fellow Jews know they were there. The church ordered all Jewish tax records and accounting books to be burned in order to erase the history, so rabbis took apart the tax records page by page and hid the pages strategically in non Jewish records. This later allowed historians to piece together all the individual Jewish pages, thereby giving back a sense of certain aspects of Jewish life and history in Barcelona. The lengths we’ve had to go through just for basic self preservation is devastating. The need people have to hurt others is also devastating, as is using God as an excuse to do so. Whether it’s anti Semitism, racism, homophobia, or any other form of separation and elitism, using God as the justification is pathetic, cowardly, and a disrespectful distortion. The God I believe in doesn’t want any of us to hurt anyone else. He doesn’t believe in sexual conversion therapy, aryan superiority, or that people should be bludgeoned to death for picking up one prayer book vs another. My God thinks the Crusades were disgraceful, and I imagine Him weeping every time a human invokes His name to harm or torture another of His children. To pin a defective human need for blood on God is the craziest means of passing oneself off as righteous. Believing in God, as I see it, is a way to a kinder, more meaningful life when said belief is used in a healthy and loving way. Even in religions where there are sects and varying denominations warring against differences and nonsense (don’t get me started on how this plays out in Judaism. Really? It matters how big the brim of a black hat is or where the fish goes on the dinner table? REALLY??) this is shameful. I just think it’s really selfish for human beings to judge, command, decide, divide, and condemn “in the name of God”. If we are going to act in shitty ways, at least let’s not blame anyone else. To “atone” is to be “at one” with our behavior. It’s to take clear accountability of our actions. Atonement is bullshit if we blame anything or anyone else for our choices, and it’s also impossible to change for the better without stark admittance of our own roles and decisions. The image of the bloodthirsty priest during the Inquisition taking all sorts of confessions and then issuing a decree to pry Jewish bodies apart with steel traps, putting anyone accused of treason on the Swedish rack (even children), and cutting off the heads of innocents in the town square as entertainment, was truly sickening. I will go to my grave as saying that though I don’t have a direct phone line upstairs, I am certain this isn’t what God has ever wanted. I’m talking to you, KKK extremists. The tears God must’ve cried throughout the history of mankind over misuse of His name, as well as our human gifts and potential, can create new oceans. I imagine Him saying, “this is not at all what I intended. Not at all”. Any of us claiming to believe in God, whichever one it is, have a responsibility to represent Him properly, kindly, and well. If not then we are all frauds and we can only blame ourselves. You can’t blame whom you claim to love.

Spanish Flew

Very tickled by my cleverness with this title. I plan on overusing it all week on Instagram. It’s a nod to flying to Spain with a mask during an insane global pandemic, which is compared historically to the Spanish Flu.
I can definitely cop to having covid travel anxiety, in addition to standard travel anxiety. I am rusty at travel right now! Spain is currently not on the list of international red zones, covid wise. I have never been nor have my girls, so we are all psyched to go to a new place. Anything tech related out the gate makes me low grade nervous, so the task of having to fill out various forms online, get codes blah blah blah floods my nerves. Covid travel paperwork is nuts. Can anyone tell me the difference between uploading and downloading?? I’m genuinely curious. Our Air BNB looks fabulous, located right off La Rambla. I have had experiences with Air BNB where the place looks just like the photos, as well as times where the pics were def misleading. I really do prefer to travel this way regardless, since it forces me out of some hotel lobby and into a supermarket (I love grocery shopping on vacay), and to create a trip that feels much more authentic and interesting. I love putting together an itinerary that gives us a feel for where we actually are. I have had great experiences with Air BNB local activities. This gets us around to various spots while meeting locals who offer less commercial ideas at good prices. I learned years ago that any kind of sterile trip is not for me. I like to get gritty, dirty, and see things off the beaten path. Sometimes tourist stuff is naturally included. However, without a concierge holding my hand (a good thing since it puts me in Big Girl mode), I can sometimes feel overwhelmed as the only adult present. This is all a good practice in presence, breathing, gratitude, and adaptability. I am beyond grateful at being able to take this trip with my two college age daughters and their amazing friend. It’s such a gift to experience these kinds of things with my kids. There’s no one I’d rather explore the world with. Going anywhere in the midst of this pandemic, again on the rise, is such a blessing. Jeez, walking out our front door was a blessing during covid!

Here are some of the activities I’ve planned. It’s a good mix of some more expected sights and fun, local stuff. Spain has a very rich Jewish history so we will be touring the Jewish quarter. The Gothic quarter and some famous Gaudi architecture as well. I found a terrific tour guide, Yan, off the website for the Barcelona Chabad. I found my driver, Moshe, from there too. For those unfamiliar with Chabad, it’s a wonderful sect of Judaism that sends emissaries all over the world. It’s a very special part of Jewish culture; you can travel all over the world and find a synagogue, kosher meals, resources, and friendly faces in almost any city. What a comfort. We plan on praying there on Friday night for Shabbat services. I love going to synagogues in other places, and I hope to meet the rabbi and his family. We wanted to join them for Shabbat dinner but the center is closed for meals in August due to covid. There is a built in trust factor with finding Jewish resources from any Chabad worldwide. I’ve thankfully found some hand holding in that regard. I love water activities, so I’m excited for kayaking and snorkeling in Costa Brava. I’m looking forward to going out of the city, especially for the drive there. One evening we have a sunset boat ride which lets us dive right into the sea off the boat. We are painting a mural with a graffiti artist in downtown Barcelona. We are only there a week, so I’d like for the rest of the time to be for enjoying walking around this amazing city, going to local markets, wandering side streets, and eating fabulous meals. I usually like to arrange for a local cooking class, but we are kosher and all the culinary offerings were for paella.

Once we arrive and get our bearings I’ll be more at ease, which is always the case with going anywhere completely new. Please let me know if you have any great Barcelona ideas! As the world looks as if it may be closing down again for a third covid wave, I’m really glad to be squeezing in this special time with my girls. Wish me luck!

Stay Rooted

We all have a list of people and situations that drive us crazy. So often we allow our own actions to be affected by the choices and actions of others. This immediately puts us in victim mode where the tendency to blame others and defend ourselves hits hard. We unconsciously act in ways we aren’t in alignment with, and a common reaction is to believe, “well, if only they hadn’t done X then I wouldn’t have done Y.” Accountability is hard, and admitting we are so at mercy of others’ decisions can feel pretty pathetic. Why, aside from the obvious? Because it’s very difficult to acknowledge how unrooted we can feel; it’s much easier to point fingers at others than to take a hard look at where we need to commit to our own steadiness. This is both simple and not. On the one hand, we are responsible for our own roots. On the other hand, humans are relational creatures with a wide range of feelings and sensitivities, and unless we are made of stone we are going to be affected by things outside of us. Be it other people, circumstances, even the weather or a song we hear, these all have the power to deeply sway us. Abuse of any kind is never ok, and while we are the gardeners of our own roots this never means remaining in diseased, unhealthy soil. I needed to put that disclaimer in since the tendency to think we have to eat manure is all too real, as is the habit of pretending that “ I’m fine, everything is fine”. The great thing about human relationships is that we do indeed get to water each other. We all need that reciprocity, while at the same time being wholly responsible for our own growth and inner nurturing. It’s a great balancing act.

So here’s what driving me right now to write this now. Any Jew who is proud to be one has been through the ringer over the past few months. It’s been so many things; sad, enraging, frustrating, betraying. Anyone I know with non Jewish friends has lost most, if not all, of them. Doors have been slammed in our faces in one way or another; either all of us isn’t welcome, or we are but our Judaism and Zionism are not. Um, no thanks. The gaslighting is out of control, and I, like many, genuinely feel that no one gives a shit. I have had too many experiences recently of trying to explain/defend myself to no avail. When people are determined to take a certain stance there is nothing you can do. I’m in a group situation that I’ve invested a lot of time, emotion, hope, energy, and money into. I have been devastated and shocked at the lack of support in this group, as well as carrying deep feelings of betrayal and disappointment that zero of them have said a single syllable condemning anti Semitism. How can I be friends with people who won’t go to bat for me? I’d certainly tell my children to stay away from friends who are only there for them conditionally. Aren’t the building blocks of any relationship trust, loyalty, and listening? I blew a gasket recently when asked about this, by one group member. This person understandably asked me why I still choose to remain here. It was a logical question, yet still kind of a surprise; after all, it’s well known how much I have invested of myself in this certain space. Why should I have to leave? The efforts I have put into this situation are extremely intentional. I stay in this space because it greatly benefits me on numerous levels, and I’m too smart to throw the baby out with the bath water. The conclusion I’ve reached is this; I am allowed to feel whatever I need to feel, but I refuse to let the actions of others determine my next move. If I want to leave, it’ll be because of MY reasons, not as a result of disappointing and hurtful actions of others. Why should my hard work and dedication be poured down the drain due to the choices others have made? This is one of the tenets of spiritual life, so I will use this as serious practice. Our roots must be so firmly embedded into the foundation of life. We will naturally sway, some branches may break in the process, but if we let others uproot us and dig us up, then that’s on us. There will always be many things and people that will cause us to lose our footing. Use this as mineral rich soil. Take these hurts, challenges, and urges to flee and alchemize them into firmness, resolve, and commitment to your own foundation. No one but you determines your strength and belonging. Don’t stay in a space out of spite; everyone loses that way since that type of determination is based solely externally. Rather, use your god given judgement and inner wisdom to know when it’s time to keep planting or when to pack it in and relocate. Whether you visualize passing feelings and phenomena as swaying branches on a strong tree trunk, waves in the ocean, clouds in the sky, or bubbles in the stream, know that you are far bigger than anything happening, certainly way bigger than the happenings of others. Let’s use these times of external anger and frustrations to travel further inward. Go deeper into your roots, and drink from the earth that wants to nourish you. Pay attention to what’s happening around you, but decide to stay as unaffected as you are able. Hold strong to the vision you have for how you want to be in life. No one can take that away from you. That’s the advice I got for today, hope it helps.

Jack Kornfield – Heart Wisdom – Ep. 130 – Working with Wisdom, Power & Knowledge on Your Spiritual Path – Be Here Now Network 2021

Jack Kornfield has been a huge part of my spiritual journey. His books, talks, and kind delivery has introduced a gentleness I really hadn’t experienced prior.

https://beherenownetwork.com/jack-kornfield-heart-wisdom-ep-130-working-with-wisdom-power-knowledge-on-your-spiritual-path/

The Gift of Darkness

Yes, years. Having been raised in a macro environment in which when “bad” things happen the standard response is that the sky is falling, I was so used to that “woe is me” attitude. I honestly don’t think I ever adopted it since I’ve always been naturally positive, adaptable, and resilient. But I heard that type of reaction all the time and still do. The kind of thinking that we are being punished. Never a dull moment, Debbie Downer, bad stuff always happens to good people etc. Not to ever minimize pain, challenges, suffering, or difficulty, but I firmly believe the dharma gives us what we need. If you are a regular reader then you know I have unwavering faith, and that I see challenges and pain as purposeful. I can say with certainty that the smelliest piles of shit I had to crawl out of led to my greatest learnings and accomplishments. I am not referring to any kind of abuse, death, or anything comparable. However, I have heard many times that illness can be an incredible gift for many reasons. I’m talking about the more common hard stuff that can range from inconvenient to excruciatingly painful, and everything in between. Denial is one of the worst self inflicted diseases; I’m never suggesting we sugar coat our hardships. That does us great harm and often harms those around us. What I mean in seeing dark times as gifts is really pausing, breathing, examining, and being honest and humble enough to partner with Source and ask, what is this meant to teach me? Only you can answer this for yourself. What are you experiencing right now that feels dark, and are you able to begin to see it as a gift? It’s ok if you can’t. Gratitude and perspective aren’t always available. But keep this inquiry active in your mind. The more you ask it, the more the answers, lessons, and gifts will reveal themselves. This is how we retrain our minds. The power to choose our thoughts is a life changing skill.

If You Give a Girl a Compliment

Inspired by a hilarious conversation I had with my daughter, inspired by the well known children’s book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”.

If you give a girl a compliment

She will think you are into her
(Like super into her)

She will fish for additional compliments

And when you give them willingly or not, she will imagine you two as a couple

You may think, shit, I think she wants to be a couple

She will tell her friends you like her, and that the Universe is pushing you together

Her friends, some of them, will tell her she deserves compliments, praise, and attention She agrees! She knows her worth!

Her other friends will think she’s reading into things but won’t tell her so as not to rain on her imaginary parade. They know this dude. He’s a dick. He recently complimented another chick they know.

She will begin creating a Pinterest board of your rustic, expensively low key wedding

She will see this as manifestation

When you ask her to hang out, she will get waxed, manicured, blown out, and spray tanned

She will cancel previous plans in order to see you

She will float to buy a new dress, high on the crack hit of compliments (can you blame her?)

She will want you to meet her friends and meet yours. You will be like ummmmm...

After you hang out, she will nervously drop hints about a concert happening next week, in the hopes you’ll ask her to go

When you later don’t ask, she’ll pretend not to care

She will then bake you cookies

When you pay for her drink, she sees it as an engagement ring. Her Pinterest board coming to life

When you mention you are out of work, she’ll make excuses for you, that you’ve been in the process of awakening and finding yourself

When you have to move back home with your parents, she’ll tell you it’s great you have this time to reconnect with your family

She will start pulling back and neglect finding new pins

She will tell her friends the Universe wants her to be single, so as to grow and lean into her wholeness

She will do yoga, journal, and take nature walks

She will respond to you with emojis, not words

You’ll start to miss her and the confidence her adoration gave you. You’ll notice she no longer watches your Instastories

You’ll nervously drop hints about a concert happening next week, in the hopes she’ll suggest going together

She won’t respond then will apologize for being crazy busy

You’ll write the “fire” emoji on her recent Instagram post, an indication you find her hot

She will feel nauseous

She contemplates blocking you

When a chick is done, she is done

Her lack of enthusiasm will be felt

If you continue to give a girl a compliment

7 Steps to Create What You Desire ❖ Lorie Ladd - YouTube

To all you powerful creators out there; I wanted to share this video. I love Lori Ladd. She’s a spiritual guide and teacher that I listen to daily. Her wisdom and guidance lifts me up, soothes me, and encourages me when I’m in need of being reminded that there is so much more to me, and to life, than my mind will have me believe. Lori has been a very crucial part of my constant evolution. Never doubt that you are a multidimensional being with limitless potential. You can have and be whatever you want. All we desire in life is achievable, and it starts with creating from a space of knowing how much power and love we hold. It’s such a challenge to stay open, which is the energy that allows for receptivity and creation, but we can do it. When life, thoughts, drama, and unsupportive dynamics try to taunt us back into a safe, predictable mental cave, fight to reset your vibration and return to leaning into the life you wish to create. Never settle, you are worthy of wonderful things. It all begins with Now.

For the Men

Men, you are more than;
Your income
Your hairline
Your belly
Your status
Your car
Your ability to run or cycle
Your college degree
Your height
Your stock portfolio
Your next promotion
Your social connections
Your Starwood points
Your Amex points
Your custom suits
Your pool plans
Your travel plans
Your wife’s appearance
Your appearance
Your children’s appearance
Your house’s appearance
Your golf club membership
Your club floor hotel room
Your front row seats
Your suite

Speaking heteronormatively, I truly feel for men. They are under insane, unreasonable pressure in a society that asks before any other question, “so what do you do for a living?” There is so much talk about how hard women have it, and we do in so many ways. But men do as well. Some of these pressures overlap and some don’t. The point is, it’s really sad for all of us to be sized up so externally. It’s crucial for our own relationships and friendships to remember what lies underneath all our superficial, descriptive lists. Men go through depression and mid life crises just as much as women do. So many of us just reach a point where the heavy focus on what’s outside of us is too sad, frustrating, and unhealthy. Deep appreciation for the men in our lives, not for what they provide but for who they actually are, is so important. Men are just as sensitive as women, though they show it differently (or not at all). For us to assume they aren’t is damaging. Everyone craves feeling deeply appreciated. How can we broaden our incredible female sensitivity to include the males in our lives? No one wants to get lost in a list.

Pooh’s Presence Practice

Sitting, listening, grounding, being still, feeling content, and just stopping are some of the most profoundly healing things we can do. Each moment, with all it may contain (even the hard stuff) is enough. When we can slow down enough and not be busy trying to distract ourselves or manipulate our circumstances, we invite in presence. As my teacher said recently, he loves best when he is most present. Accepting ourselves in this very moment, and accepting the moment itself, teaches us to soften to what is happening right now. We start to leave the past, and disengage from the imaginary fantasies of the future. All we really have is Now. Life is full of Now’s. If we don’t learn to be there then we miss huge chunks of our lives. It’s very hard to be present with a hijacked nervous system. This is why grounding and breathing techniques are essential. Breathing openly makes us more open to our life experience. Even taking five to ten minutes a day to just be very aware of breath starts to retrain our nervous system to regulate. We are usually safer than we think we are. When a person I’m having a hard time with enters my mind, and I start to write that imaginary confrontational script, I’ll stop and tell myself, “she’s not here right now”. Presence is being aware of what is actually Here and Now. Not five minutes ago. Not last year, not next week. The monkey mind wants to be anywhere but here, but always remember your mind works for You. You have the power, ability, and choice to direct it and lasso your thoughts. It’s a constant practice. It’s not the straying where we practice, since that’s often unconscious. It’s in the deliberate and conscious return to Now. It’s the firm decision to be part of what is.

Dating Apps As Spiritual Practice

I’ve been thinking about this for a couple months now. Truthfully, when one starts to see all of life as material for practice, then it will include this mishegas. I don’t hate on apps. They’re a real means to meet someone these days. It’s simply another channel for the universe to deliver to us what we need, be it more uncomfortable lessons or someone great. Hey, I’m great and I’m on apps so why wouldn’t a great guy be on there too? Having recently gone back on them after a nice hiatus, it was definitely a major point of self observation to see how I dealt with the reentry into online mingling. After reintroducing myself to the virtual dating pool, I felt that old, nervous addiction creeping up on me again. I was clearly feeling unmoored and unsteady, and in that frantic, unconscious reach for the illusion of predictability, I checked these apps until my eyes bled at 2 am. They are designed to be addictive, and I furiously swiped while batting away feelings of self loathing. Not really, because I forgave myself for the need for my human to grasp onto what she thinks might be next, like monkey bars. Humans do this and mine is no different. What made this time different was the awareness of my unconscious behavior. I firmly believe, especially having gone through this before, that the best opportunities in life come when we relax, trust, surrender, and reach a point of true letting go. All this is clearly counterintuitive to my acting like Swiping Sally. I knew on some level that this initial crazy, panicked stage was a necessary tunnel I had to go through. It’s completely normal and expected to feel unmoored and scared after having spent some months with one person, especially a terrific one. My trust muscle at this point in my life is genuinely strong. I am able to touch a place of peace, faith, and surrender often and quickly. When my mind kicks up dust storms of thoughts of doom, I am very able to talk myself back down to the inner knowing that all is unfolding exactly right. And so apps, for me, represent the quintessence of spiritual practice; it’s that constant battle between the peace of spirit within and hyper neurotic, “what if” mental activity. It’s like I can be calm and still one minute, then get a message from some dude I’d never be interested in and it’s off to the races. I’m proudest of myself when I laugh these messages off, and prouder still when I feel zero attachment to even checking the apps. If I know that Source/God/Universe is taking magnificent care of me and my desires, and I have faith in my ability to manifest (which I do), then scrolling down an endless list of men simply isn’t necessary. That’s not what’s going to find me my man. When I rejoined the dating apps, a good friend tried to be encouraging by telling me to be really proactive and assertive. However, that approach just isn’t me. It doesn’t feel right to me, in my physical or emotional body. It feels conflicting because it is; I feel that when I’m relaxed, aligned, calm, and receptive, that is when I’ll be ready and available to actually receive.

Another thing I noticed, which I’ve been taught to do through Buddhist meditation study, is to observe bodily cues throughout the day. On dating apps I immediately noticed how my heartbeat would quicken and my stomach would clench. My body didn’t like the checking, scrolling, swiping, or even reading piles of useless messages. My body was asking me to pay attention, and without judgement was directing me to stop. Again, I knew this frantic phase was part of the deal so I simply observed and allowed my human to be, well, human. I maintain that apps are helpful in teaching us to further pay attention to how our body responds to certain messages and guys we chat with. For example, last week a seemingly very nice and normal guy was writing to me a bunch. I wrote back and searched him up. Things checked out and he sounded interesting. But I had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. So while my mind said, “meet him!”my body said “you don’t want this one”. A couple years ago I’d have listened to my mind. This time my inner knowing won out, and it cheered when I passed on something that I instinctively felt wasn’t for me, even if he was very tall, Jewish, had good hair, and seemed cool. When we pay deep attention to ourselves it feels good, just like how it feels icky when we don’t. I’m way passed that initial post divorce stage where I felt I had to be open minded and meet lots of guys, if even for the fact I’d never dated before (having married so young). That, too, was a necessary tunnel to go through. Now, I’m incredibly selective for various reasons, chief among them that my hungry ghost, the focus of spiritual practice, is much less ravenous. I no longer seek or need unnecessary attention. I no longer betray my desires and ignore my inner wisdom. I no longer feed into frightened thought patterns, because I can talk to my mind like a mother does to a child (my inner child) and say, “shhhh, everything is ok and right”. Instead, I listen to the ever present voice outside of me that tells me it’s “taking care of everything”. It was this voice that came to me over a year ago, and by believing it some fantastical things happened to me last summer, all around the same time. Those things, as well as those people that were brought to me, were concrete proof to keep listening to this voice which I feel around me (and not in me). It’s the voice of Spirit, and the guides sent to look after me. The guides I know that are with me every step of the way. I hear them and I feel them, all the time.

When on the path, every single thing becomes fodder for growth and learning. As Eckhart Tolle says, “relationships aren’t here to make us happy, they are here to make us conscious”. Relearning myself on dating apps has been an excellent way to reinforce all I have learned, and all I continue to learn. As well as to remind myself over and over how I want to be in all spaces. The key is to refrain from judgement, and I have been much more forgiving of myself in this area. Spirit doesn’t judge, and if I’m tapping into my own spiritual body then practicing non judgment is essential. I’m not on dating apps to date. I’m there to find the ultimate loving relationship, the unicorn that is rarely seen but exists enough to be ever so talked about. I’ve often been told I’m a unicorn, and I’d agree, which is why I’m seeking my male counterpart. And it’s not going to be from FunGuy asking me “how I’m handling these crazy times”.

Some asshole was recently pissed I wouldn’t give him my digits. In his pathetic little tantrum he told me that I’m not getting any younger. First of all, Wad, a relationship with YOU sounds like fun! Secondly, what I am getting is a whole lot smarter. And when my thoughts, instincts, and actions all align, my spirit soars. The most important person I need to send a super like to is, and will always be, myself. Take that, JJ from Florida!