Birthday List

I wanted to share something I did today while celebrating the birthday of someone special. A few of us were at lunch for the occasion, and as I like to do, I asked all present to go around the table 21 times (the person was turning 21) and say something nice about the guest of honor. What made this atypical was that the birthday individual was part of this exercise. It may have felt strange of uncomfortable at first, and one person there thought it was weird to ask the person to say nice things about themselves.
We live in an environment in which we are so conditioned to not honor ourselves. Anything we do in favor of us is deemed boastful, self centered, even selfish. It’s crazy; we read posts all over social media how we must love ourselves and how the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. We like and heart these posts, but what does this even mean when it’s so awkward to acknowledge and appreciate ourselves for our gifts, strengths, qualities, and contributions? It’s not bullshit to say that the way we treat ourselves is the blueprint for how we treat others. As Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says, if our circle of compassion doesn’t include ourselves then it’s incomplete. I have become a firm believer in embracing what I love about myself, in looking at my strengths just as easily and quickly as I look at my faults and screw ups. As my zen teacher says, no one needs to practice for finding fault in ourselves and others. We are frighteningly good at that, right? Yet most of us have such a hard time celebrating ourselves. It’s like speaking our good parts out loud feels like nails on a chalkboard. Which is really sad. Why, as a society, do we have such a tough time shouting our awesomeness from the rooftop? Who taught us not to and why? We can change this conditioning, which is why this birthday activity felt so joyful and necessary. We have to train our minds for self love, and it’s vital we teach our children this. I loved hearing what this person said about herself. It made this game more fun, surprising, and special. We must champion ourselves more than we self criticize, and the most effective way to do this is to familiarize ourselves with learning about our wonderful contributions to our own life and to the lives of others. This awareness alone is something to honor. It takes courage to take a magnifying glass to ourselves in any way, and it’s a crucial endeavor to that rich inner connection we all seek. If the point of life is to connect, which I believe it is, then that begins at home.
I hope this idea helps you invite your loved ones to participate in learning how to be in their own fan club. We all want to see our loved ones thrive and be joyful, and teaching them that it’s ok to love themselves is a very important piece to that puzzle. The more we fill our own cup, the more we can pour onto others.