Stay Rooted

We all have a list of people and situations that drive us crazy. So often we allow our own actions to be affected by the choices and actions of others. This immediately puts us in victim mode where the tendency to blame others and defend ourselves hits hard. We unconsciously act in ways we aren’t in alignment with, and a common reaction is to believe, “well, if only they hadn’t done X then I wouldn’t have done Y.” Accountability is hard, and admitting we are so at mercy of others’ decisions can feel pretty pathetic. Why, aside from the obvious? Because it’s very difficult to acknowledge how unrooted we can feel; it’s much easier to point fingers at others than to take a hard look at where we need to commit to our own steadiness. This is both simple and not. On the one hand, we are responsible for our own roots. On the other hand, humans are relational creatures with a wide range of feelings and sensitivities, and unless we are made of stone we are going to be affected by things outside of us. Be it other people, circumstances, even the weather or a song we hear, these all have the power to deeply sway us. Abuse of any kind is never ok, and while we are the gardeners of our own roots this never means remaining in diseased, unhealthy soil. I needed to put that disclaimer in since the tendency to think we have to eat manure is all too real, as is the habit of pretending that “ I’m fine, everything is fine”. The great thing about human relationships is that we do indeed get to water each other. We all need that reciprocity, while at the same time being wholly responsible for our own growth and inner nurturing. It’s a great balancing act.

So here’s what driving me right now to write this now. Any Jew who is proud to be one has been through the ringer over the past few months. It’s been so many things; sad, enraging, frustrating, betraying. Anyone I know with non Jewish friends has lost most, if not all, of them. Doors have been slammed in our faces in one way or another; either all of us isn’t welcome, or we are but our Judaism and Zionism are not. Um, no thanks. The gaslighting is out of control, and I, like many, genuinely feel that no one gives a shit. I have had too many experiences recently of trying to explain/defend myself to no avail. When people are determined to take a certain stance there is nothing you can do. I’m in a group situation that I’ve invested a lot of time, emotion, hope, energy, and money into. I have been devastated and shocked at the lack of support in this group, as well as carrying deep feelings of betrayal and disappointment that zero of them have said a single syllable condemning anti Semitism. How can I be friends with people who won’t go to bat for me? I’d certainly tell my children to stay away from friends who are only there for them conditionally. Aren’t the building blocks of any relationship trust, loyalty, and listening? I blew a gasket recently when asked about this, by one group member. This person understandably asked me why I still choose to remain here. It was a logical question, yet still kind of a surprise; after all, it’s well known how much I have invested of myself in this certain space. Why should I have to leave? The efforts I have put into this situation are extremely intentional. I stay in this space because it greatly benefits me on numerous levels, and I’m too smart to throw the baby out with the bath water. The conclusion I’ve reached is this; I am allowed to feel whatever I need to feel, but I refuse to let the actions of others determine my next move. If I want to leave, it’ll be because of MY reasons, not as a result of disappointing and hurtful actions of others. Why should my hard work and dedication be poured down the drain due to the choices others have made? This is one of the tenets of spiritual life, so I will use this as serious practice. Our roots must be so firmly embedded into the foundation of life. We will naturally sway, some branches may break in the process, but if we let others uproot us and dig us up, then that’s on us. There will always be many things and people that will cause us to lose our footing. Use this as mineral rich soil. Take these hurts, challenges, and urges to flee and alchemize them into firmness, resolve, and commitment to your own foundation. No one but you determines your strength and belonging. Don’t stay in a space out of spite; everyone loses that way since that type of determination is based solely externally. Rather, use your god given judgement and inner wisdom to know when it’s time to keep planting or when to pack it in and relocate. Whether you visualize passing feelings and phenomena as swaying branches on a strong tree trunk, waves in the ocean, clouds in the sky, or bubbles in the stream, know that you are far bigger than anything happening, certainly way bigger than the happenings of others. Let’s use these times of external anger and frustrations to travel further inward. Go deeper into your roots, and drink from the earth that wants to nourish you. Pay attention to what’s happening around you, but decide to stay as unaffected as you are able. Hold strong to the vision you have for how you want to be in life. No one can take that away from you. That’s the advice I got for today, hope it helps.