Dating Apps As Spiritual Practice

I’ve been thinking about this for a couple months now. Truthfully, when one starts to see all of life as material for practice, then it will include this mishegas. I don’t hate on apps. They’re a real means to meet someone these days. It’s simply another channel for the universe to deliver to us what we need, be it more uncomfortable lessons or someone great. Hey, I’m great and I’m on apps so why wouldn’t a great guy be on there too? Having recently gone back on them after a nice hiatus, it was definitely a major point of self observation to see how I dealt with the reentry into online mingling. After reintroducing myself to the virtual dating pool, I felt that old, nervous addiction creeping up on me again. I was clearly feeling unmoored and unsteady, and in that frantic, unconscious reach for the illusion of predictability, I checked these apps until my eyes bled at 2 am. They are designed to be addictive, and I furiously swiped while batting away feelings of self loathing. Not really, because I forgave myself for the need for my human to grasp onto what she thinks might be next, like monkey bars. Humans do this and mine is no different. What made this time different was the awareness of my unconscious behavior. I firmly believe, especially having gone through this before, that the best opportunities in life come when we relax, trust, surrender, and reach a point of true letting go. All this is clearly counterintuitive to my acting like Swiping Sally. I knew on some level that this initial crazy, panicked stage was a necessary tunnel I had to go through. It’s completely normal and expected to feel unmoored and scared after having spent some months with one person, especially a terrific one. My trust muscle at this point in my life is genuinely strong. I am able to touch a place of peace, faith, and surrender often and quickly. When my mind kicks up dust storms of thoughts of doom, I am very able to talk myself back down to the inner knowing that all is unfolding exactly right. And so apps, for me, represent the quintessence of spiritual practice; it’s that constant battle between the peace of spirit within and hyper neurotic, “what if” mental activity. It’s like I can be calm and still one minute, then get a message from some dude I’d never be interested in and it’s off to the races. I’m proudest of myself when I laugh these messages off, and prouder still when I feel zero attachment to even checking the apps. If I know that Source/God/Universe is taking magnificent care of me and my desires, and I have faith in my ability to manifest (which I do), then scrolling down an endless list of men simply isn’t necessary. That’s not what’s going to find me my man. When I rejoined the dating apps, a good friend tried to be encouraging by telling me to be really proactive and assertive. However, that approach just isn’t me. It doesn’t feel right to me, in my physical or emotional body. It feels conflicting because it is; I feel that when I’m relaxed, aligned, calm, and receptive, that is when I’ll be ready and available to actually receive.

Another thing I noticed, which I’ve been taught to do through Buddhist meditation study, is to observe bodily cues throughout the day. On dating apps I immediately noticed how my heartbeat would quicken and my stomach would clench. My body didn’t like the checking, scrolling, swiping, or even reading piles of useless messages. My body was asking me to pay attention, and without judgement was directing me to stop. Again, I knew this frantic phase was part of the deal so I simply observed and allowed my human to be, well, human. I maintain that apps are helpful in teaching us to further pay attention to how our body responds to certain messages and guys we chat with. For example, last week a seemingly very nice and normal guy was writing to me a bunch. I wrote back and searched him up. Things checked out and he sounded interesting. But I had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. So while my mind said, “meet him!”my body said “you don’t want this one”. A couple years ago I’d have listened to my mind. This time my inner knowing won out, and it cheered when I passed on something that I instinctively felt wasn’t for me, even if he was very tall, Jewish, had good hair, and seemed cool. When we pay deep attention to ourselves it feels good, just like how it feels icky when we don’t. I’m way passed that initial post divorce stage where I felt I had to be open minded and meet lots of guys, if even for the fact I’d never dated before (having married so young). That, too, was a necessary tunnel to go through. Now, I’m incredibly selective for various reasons, chief among them that my hungry ghost, the focus of spiritual practice, is much less ravenous. I no longer seek or need unnecessary attention. I no longer betray my desires and ignore my inner wisdom. I no longer feed into frightened thought patterns, because I can talk to my mind like a mother does to a child (my inner child) and say, “shhhh, everything is ok and right”. Instead, I listen to the ever present voice outside of me that tells me it’s “taking care of everything”. It was this voice that came to me over a year ago, and by believing it some fantastical things happened to me last summer, all around the same time. Those things, as well as those people that were brought to me, were concrete proof to keep listening to this voice which I feel around me (and not in me). It’s the voice of Spirit, and the guides sent to look after me. The guides I know that are with me every step of the way. I hear them and I feel them, all the time.

When on the path, every single thing becomes fodder for growth and learning. As Eckhart Tolle says, “relationships aren’t here to make us happy, they are here to make us conscious”. Relearning myself on dating apps has been an excellent way to reinforce all I have learned, and all I continue to learn. As well as to remind myself over and over how I want to be in all spaces. The key is to refrain from judgement, and I have been much more forgiving of myself in this area. Spirit doesn’t judge, and if I’m tapping into my own spiritual body then practicing non judgment is essential. I’m not on dating apps to date. I’m there to find the ultimate loving relationship, the unicorn that is rarely seen but exists enough to be ever so talked about. I’ve often been told I’m a unicorn, and I’d agree, which is why I’m seeking my male counterpart. And it’s not going to be from FunGuy asking me “how I’m handling these crazy times”.

Some asshole was recently pissed I wouldn’t give him my digits. In his pathetic little tantrum he told me that I’m not getting any younger. First of all, Wad, a relationship with YOU sounds like fun! Secondly, what I am getting is a whole lot smarter. And when my thoughts, instincts, and actions all align, my spirit soars. The most important person I need to send a super like to is, and will always be, myself. Take that, JJ from Florida!