The Great British Baking Show

So I know this show has been around for a number of years. I wasn’t interested in it since I assumed it was a typical baking competition, simply set in another country. While I love cooking shows and have enjoyed many a culinary contest, my initial reaction to this series was, eh, more of the same. After a close friend told me that The Great British Baking Show got her family through covid lockdown, I thought it was worth having a glance. My youngest, my 12 year old son, and I decided to give it a go and I can say with certainty that it’s the highlight of our day. I absolutely love this show and completely understand why my friend was raving about how wonderful it is. It’s so much more than a baking competition. In general, I am a big proponent of watching TV with your kids. I watched a ridiculous amount of TV growing up and learned a lot. Since I was an avid reader and a curious person from a very young age, TV did not replace other educational pursuits. With screen options totally out of control and unhealthy today, I actually feel that TV is the least offensive avenue. It’s almost old fashioned! You can have your Tik Tok, I’m happy with television, watched on a large screen, permanently mounted on a real wall. I truly delight in my kids and I sharing a viewing experience while snuggled on the couch. With modern family fragmentation due to each member having their own devices, it’s a joy just to be looking at the same darn screen. My son and I coordinate our evening schedules and so look forward to relaxing together as we listen to witty English quips and discover what today’s technical challenge will be. I have always been a huge fan of eccentric British humor, and the hosts deliver in such a delightfully, engaging way. I have found so many American cooking competitions to be so different in tone; far more competitive, psychotically high pressured, almost with the contestants to be primed for failure so that the show can have gross audience appeal. It’s definitely an interesting and disturbing comment on the different cultures. My daughter and I were once laughing about this. She pointed out that American cooking shows have names like Cutthroat Kitchen, and that Gordon Ramsey (ironically a Brit) is yelling at the contestants that they don’t deserve to live. I even saw a cooking show commercial in which if the food isn’t satisfactory, it gets thrown over some sort of weird balcony, in the hierarchy of floors/tiers in which the cooks on the lowest tier must work with shitty ingredients (why tho??). It’s actually so crazy, even sad, that even culinary entertainment has to include some bloodthirsty ingredient to engage the audience. Perhaps there are British shows like this as well, just like there are plenty of lovely, sweet American programs. But I can’t help but note the way this particular program has so beautifully constructed a competitive yet warm environment. The judges are honest with exceptionally high standards, without ever having the goal of reducing someone to tears. The contestants help each other and cheer each other on. This component never fails to move me, and my son and I always talk about this piece. What a wonderful example. Every season we’ve watched contains comradeship, sportsmanship, and touching friendship. The end of each season, after the winner is announced, gives a sweet update as to how the contestants have all kept in touch. We love this epilogue! The pastel baking tent, a sight for tired eyes, cooks up beautiful bonds in addition to baked goods. It’s truly a joy to see all these people bonding and supporting each other whilst competing. I have yet to see an iota of ugliness or unsavory behavior. Somehow this show has cooked up the perfect mix of Monty Python humor, sweetly determined home cooks giving bake off a go, Martha Stewart decor, a serene and charming country atmosphere, interesting and historical baking challenges, and judges who are really rooting for you, into an hour of genuinely entertaining television. I swear I look forward to this all day, and when my son texts me, “meet me downstairs in ten minutes, it’s biscuit week” any residue from the day melts away. It’s a win for us, finishing the day with quality TV that both excites and relaxes. With so much viewing garbage available and accessible to all ages today, I’m so appreciative to have this show to enjoy together with my child. I deeply cherish any shared interest I have with each of my children, and finding and nurturing these interests is one of my most important goals as a mother. Enjoying the present is what creates memories.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Be forgiving of yourselves, proud of yourselves, and celebratory of what you pour into your role as mothers.

She Was Beautiful

When she was a little girl
they told her she was beautiful
but it had no meaning
in her world of bicycles
and pigtails
and adventures in make-believe.

Later, she hoped she was beautiful
as boys started taking notice
of her friends
and phones rang for
Saturday night dates.

She felt beautiful on her wedding day,
hopeful with her
new life partner by her side
but, later,
when her children called
her beautiful,
she was often exhausted,
her hair messily tied back,
no make up,
wide in the waist
where it used to be narrow;
she just couldn't take it in.

Over the years, as she tried,
in fits and starts,
to look beautiful,
she found other things
to take priority,
like bills
and meals,
as she and her life partner
worked hard
to make a family,
to make ends meet,
to make children into adults,
to make a life.

Now,
she sat.
Alone.
Her children grown,
her partner flown,
and she couldn't remember
the last time
she was called beautiful.

But she was.

It was in every line on her face,
in the strength of her arthritic hands,
the ampleness that had
a million hugs imprinted
on its very skin,
and in the jiggly thighs and
thickened ankles
that had run her race for her.

She had lived her life with a loving
and generous heart,
had wrapped her arms
around so many to
to give them comfort and peace.
Her ears had
heard both terrible news
and lovely songs,
and her eyes
had brimmed with,
oh, so many tears,
they were now bright
even as they dimmed.

She had lived and she was.
And because she was,
she was made beautiful.

Author: Suzanne Reynolds, © 2019

Photo credit: Nina Djerff
Model: Marit Rannveig Haslestad

Tuning In

Let’s talk about attunement. It’s the quality of being in tune with something. Whether we are talking about an instrument or a simple conversation, if an element present is out of tune then the whole situation will tank. Components must be completely in tune in order for things to flow properly. To be even slightly off is to miss the mark. I once had a tuning fork energy session that I loved. It was a no contact appointment which left me fully tweaked, tuned up, and awake. The therapist had a series of tuning forks that she used (played?) to move my energy and frequencies. It was pretty wild that she was able to dial me in all sorts of ways without any touching. I love energy work, and this tuning fork session was incredibly effective and impactful. Energy isn’t tangible; no wonder the forks were able to tune mine from across the room. I felt all the tweaks and adjustments no matter how tiny the fork motions were, which proved how powerful tuning is. Tuning matters, it’s a huge deal.

“Being attuned” is a phrase I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. It’s a crucial awareness in all of life’s interactions, and it’s coming up often in my CPE chaplaincy curriculum. It’s extremely painful when certain people I’m interacting with aren’t attuned to my experience, which has made me realize more and more how I’m not attuned to others either. As much as I try, I miss (or bypass) certain cues for what must be a variety of reasons. There are so many causes for why one would turn away from the reality of another, therefore falling out of attunement. As the gap widens between you and me in such a case, the divide and disconnect grows bigger/sadder/lonelier/more uncomfortable/irritating. I have yet to meet someone who is perfectly in tune with everything and everyone all the time. It’s impossible, but it’s essential that we really try. If we don’t, it’s a covert way of communicating, “your reality doesn’t matter”. We are each our own human instrument for playing our role in the world, and it’s our responsibility to constantly tune ourselves. No one can do this for us.
In observing a certain dynamic in my life, it came crashing down on me recently that this other individual has been extremely out of tune with me in so many ways, for a really long time. I just did not see it as clearly as I suddenly did. It was like the veil was lifted and then all these frustrating and disconnected instances revealed themselves. Holy shit, how on earth did I not see this before?? I knew this situation brought me much aggravation, frustration, and heartbreak but the specific language of attunement never occurred to me. Then I realized that I didn’t see his lack of attunement because I wasn’t attuned to my needs either. Like, at all. His not being tuned in to me was a direct reflection of my own turning away from myself. I actually started to laugh; it was suddenly so clear and obvious. I was not only out of attunement with myself, but with the entire reality of the overall scenario since I didn’t want to admit the truth of the circumstances. Letting go of this situation was too painful, so I turned a subconscious blind eye to the facts, as well as to my emotional truth. This is one of the byproducts of having always been fed crumbs; you just don’t see it because you don’t know any different. This all brought up so many feels: sadness, anger, shame, gratitude for the new clarity and visibility, disgust, disappointment, defiance, and a large helping of grief in being so unaware of my needs. Like, how long had I been operating like this??? Forever, really, until now. I wasn’t having these feelings towards the other person (just a little). It was like looking in a clear lake in which all was being reflected back to me. I have gratitude for this situation and this person because I majorly needed to see all of this in order to live the life I say I want. This painful message happened to come in the form of this genuinely terrific human who I’m deeply fond of. Words are meaningless without actions, and vice versa, so I can’t say I want my life and love life to be a certain way if I don’t choose new actions to get there. The universe will send us the same message over and over until we receive it. This is an act of cosmic love, to lead us to higher planes of existence.

I continue to have numerous conversations with myself, the self I wasn’t attuned to. My higher, vast self can now seek out the smaller, wounded part of me that’s still hurt and healing. In zen we are taught about Big Mind, Parental Mind, Joyful Mind, and Small Mind. Learning about these different facets of the mind has been transformative in terms of self communication (this also spills into how I communicate with others). I have been speaking to my Small Mind in loving, reassuring, unconditionally caring ways that will, over time, re wire her. I have apologized to myself for missing all these signals and red flags, with great understanding and compassion. I know why it happened. Only with this compassion turned inward have I started to feel a space clearing. It’s the compassion that I’ve been waiting for my whole life that I’m just now, through Buddhist practice, beginning to explore and receive. Genuine, honest kindness and attunement to one’s needs is medicinal on the deepest level. We all need to know we matter, not just to others but primarily to ourselves. It’s impossible for others to learn what we need if we don’t know it first. Only by sharply and accurately tuning ourselves can we engage with life in a deeply honest, connective, and fulfilling way. The good news? We are designed to make these adjustments, reflect on what we’ve missed, and choose differently. New tunes and harmonies are always available.

This Passover holiday I’m going to take the time to sit with all of this. What I’ve learned, what I’ve realized, and how I can get very clear on what I want for my life. I’ll be on a beach, sitting on the naked sand and breathing to the rhythm of the ocean. Nature is clear on what it needs to do, it’s always in order. To rediscover nature’s inherent clarity and apply it to my life; this intention alone feels healing. Intention is nothing without application and integration. When those elements are aligned, this is harmony.

Jack Kornfield: Open, Spacious Awareness Meditation

Over the weekend I was caught in an emotional jam. I was panicked about a certain situation, despite being able to give a list of reasons why I was sure my mind was overreacting. The reality wasn’t nearly as dire as my brain was making it out to be. That’s what the mind does; it will grab onto any scary scenario in order to warn us of impending doom. It’s trying to protect us. I had 30 minutes before walking into this scary not scary situation, so I turned to this grounding guided meditation by Jack Kornfield, one of my favorite mindfulness teachers. It was an enormous help in returning me to a perspective that wasn’t laced with conditioned hysteria. I was having a moment in which I was vomiting up old fears based on a narrative I’d been fed since childhood: if you screw up in any way then you’ll be shamed, rejected, and banished. Love, approval, and acceptance will be ripped away.
I have done so much work on myself over the past few years, been in talk therapy for 15, a meditator and yogi for 5, a zen practitioner for 3, and yet I still get caught in these terrifying moments where I’m hijacked by very old stories that I know no longer hold true. Dense, deep trauma needs so much patient and persistent tending to. I feel very held at this point in my life, and am so fortunate to have discovered these tools and teachers for how to address and soothe my triggers. This brief guided meditation was exactly what I needed. It worked: I relaxed, regrouped, readjusted, and remembered my true self, the self that isn’t subject to the ever changing winds of the body mind. That space of inner peace and protection is ever present, I just needed to find it and feel into it.

*this offering is found on the Dharma Seed app. It’s my favorite app. Tons of talks and meditations are offered freely from a wide variety of excellent dharma teachers. My most delicious mornings begin when I’m snuggled in bed listening to a talk.




I'm listening to "Open, Spacious Awareness Meditation | Monday Night" by Jack Kornfield
https://www.dharmaseed.org/teacher/85/talk/70078/

May I meet this, too, with kindness

I really needed to read this article today. I’ve heard the message before and I’ll need to hear it again many more times. How is it that we will remember the negative or critical comment after hearing it once, but the positive and supportive messages must be repeated constantly? I needed the reminder in regards to something I’ve been working on for over a year. “May I meet this, too, with kindness”.

Ten Percent Weekly
March 27, 2022 // ISSUE 246

May I Meet This, Too, With Kindness

By Amanda Gilbert  

It goes without saying that much of what happens in our inner and outer lives is out of our control. But we can learn to respond to it with kindness, both to ourselves and to others.

Particularly if you meditate, you may have noticed the surprising imprints of things that happen every day: the residue that those nagging emails from your boss leave in your mind; the restlessness stemming from the laundry list of items you need to do; the anxiety over the number in your bank account; or a general discontent from all the things that maybe aren’t going exactly how you want them to.

As meditators, we can see directly that these imprints aren’t necessarily the problem. In meditation, we get to know the rotating guests of emotions quite well. But we also see that we can decide what to do with them. Habitually, of course, when we encounter an unpleasant feeling, we try to make it go away, or avoid it, or simply wish it weren’t there.

But it is possible instead to make peace with these undesired guests by meeting them with kindness. Doing so can be an internal truce that lets the incredible alchemy of the heart unfold in our daily lives.

For instance, suppose your inner critic is judging you for something you said or did. By developing the capacity to meet your thoughts with kindness, what once led to shame and that pit of tightness in your chest might now be met with a kinder, warmer nod of acknowledgment as you become aware of your self-talk’s tone. You might reply, “Ah, anxiety, fear, meanness, self-deprecation—here you are again, my dear old friends.”

This kind, well-meaning approach toward our hearts and minds helps us move in the life directions we want to be going in while being more accepting and compassionate about our setbacks, failures, and habits of self-sabotage. The moment I began to welcome my unwanted guests with kindness—sending lovingkindness toward each thought, feeling, and corner of sadness in my heart—is when I felt the first taste of real healing in my life.

How might this work in practice? One method I learned from my teacher, Diana Winston, is elegantly simple. In your usual meditation, simply add a few words to each time you notice your attention wandering: May I meet this too with kindness.

Whatever comes up, repeat this phrase of loving-kindness toward your thoughts, feelings, or sensations. Do it as many times as you need to, then guide your attention back to the anchor of the breath once again.

Try this practice for the duration of your meditation. See if you can notice how it feels to meet yourself with kindness instead of judgment or reaction. Perhaps, after you meditate, continue this reflection in a journal. How does it feel when

I meet myself with kindness instead of judgment or reaction? Let any answers flow onto the page.

And then, as you move through the day, try repeating the same phrase—“may I meet this, too, with kindness”—whenever you notice you are being hard on yourself, judgmental toward yourself, or unkind in any way. Often, learning to meet yourself with kindness can feel like the medicine your heart and inner life yearns for, especially if you’re used to meeting yourself with all kinds of judgment and past conditioning.

Finally, see if you can extend this intention toward anything that happens in your day, or to anyone you encounter, especially when things aren’t going the way you would like them to. Lean into the intention to meet all that is here with kindness.

Meeting what is present with kindness teaches us the profound lesson of letting go into our human experience, even into the unwanted stuff. It is ultimately a practice of radical inclusion toward ourselves, toward other people, and toward the challenging experiences of life. It keeps us from fighting our unwanted thoughts, memories, idiosyncrasies, and experiences, and gives them the room to be here. This simple spaciousness is the doorway into the heart.

Join Amanda Gilbert and Jay Michaelson on Thursday, March 31, at 7:30 PM Eastern Time for an online discussion presented by the New York Insight Meditation Center entitled “Kindness Even Now?! Making Loving-Kindness a Real Part of Your Meditation and Life.” If you’re wondering whether you can become a more loving and compassionate person, they’ll try to persuade you. Sign up by clicking this link.Ten Percent Weekly
March 27, 2022 // ISSUE 246

May I Meet This, Too, With Kindness

By Amanda Gilbert  

It goes without saying that much of what happens in our inner and outer lives is out of our control. But we can learn to respond to it with kindness, both to ourselves and to others.

Particularly if you meditate, you may have noticed the surprising imprints of things that happen every day: the residue that those nagging emails from your boss leave in your mind; the restlessness stemming from the laundry list of items you need to do; the anxiety over the number in your bank account; or a general discontent from all the things that maybe aren’t going exactly how you want them to.

As meditators, we can see directly that these imprints aren’t necessarily the problem. In meditation, we get to know the rotating guests of emotions quite well. But we also see that we can decide what to do with them. Habitually, of course, when we encounter an unpleasant feeling, we try to make it go away, or avoid it, or simply wish it weren’t there.

But it is possible instead to make peace with these undesired guests by meeting them with kindness. Doing so can be an internal truce that lets the incredible alchemy of the heart unfold in our daily lives.

For instance, suppose your inner critic is judging you for something you said or did. By developing the capacity to meet your thoughts with kindness, what once led to shame and that pit of tightness in your chest might now be met with a kinder, warmer nod of acknowledgment as you become aware of your self-talk’s tone. You might reply, “Ah, anxiety, fear, meanness, self-deprecation—here you are again, my dear old friends.”

This kind, well-meaning approach toward our hearts and minds helps us move in the life directions we want to be going in while being more accepting and compassionate about our setbacks, failures, and habits of self-sabotage. The moment I began to welcome my unwanted guests with kindness—sending lovingkindness toward each thought, feeling, and corner of sadness in my heart—is when I felt the first taste of real healing in my life.

How might this work in practice? One method I learned from my teacher, Diana Winston, is elegantly simple. In your usual meditation, simply add a few words to each time you notice your attention wandering: May I meet this too with kindness.

Whatever comes up, repeat this phrase of loving-kindness toward your thoughts, feelings, or sensations. Do it as many times as you need to, then guide your attention back to the anchor of the breath once again.

Try this practice for the duration of your meditation. See if you can notice how it feels to meet yourself with kindness instead of judgment or reaction. Perhaps, after you meditate, continue this reflection in a journal. How does it feel when

I meet myself with kindness instead of judgment or reaction? Let any answers flow onto the page.

And then, as you move through the day, try repeating the same phrase—“may I meet this, too, with kindness”—whenever you notice you are being hard on yourself, judgmental toward yourself, or unkind in any way. Often, learning to meet yourself with kindness can feel like the medicine your heart and inner life yearns for, especially if you’re used to meeting yourself with all kinds of judgment and past conditioning.

Finally, see if you can extend this intention toward anything that happens in your day, or to anyone you encounter, especially when things aren’t going the way you would like them to. Lean into the intention to meet all that is here with kindness.

Meeting what is present with kindness teaches us the profound lesson of letting go into our human experience, even into the unwanted stuff. It is ultimately a practice of radical inclusion toward ourselves, toward other people, and toward the challenging experiences of life. It keeps us from fighting our unwanted thoughts, memories, idiosyncrasies, and experiences, and gives them the room to be here. This simple spaciousness is the doorway into the heart.

Join Amanda Gilbert and Jay Michaelson on Thursday, March 31, at 7:30 PM Eastern Time for an online discussion presented by the New York Insight Meditation Center entitled “Kindness Even Now?! Making Loving-Kindness a Real Part of Your Meditation and Life.” If you’re wondering whether you can become a more loving and compassionate person, they’ll try to persuade you. Sign up by clicking this link.

How to Cook Your Life

How to Cook Your Life: From the Zen Kitchen to Enlightenment https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590302915/ref=cm_sw_r_em_api_glt_i_8RE9BVY6YZGFPYRDHD9X

I’m currently in a 90 day practice period with the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care. It’s a “commit to sit” practice period of daily meditation and contemplation, guided by this amazing zen text called How to Cook Your Life. This is hands down one of the most important, meaningful, and transformative books I have ever read in my life. One absolutely need not be a zen student or practitioner to enjoy and benefit from this text. The book was originally zen master Dogen’s instructions to the tenzo, the cook in a zen monastery. It’s both a literal book with incredibly deep and meaningful symbolism in each and every instruction. For example, in examining and carefully cleaning each grain of rice, Dogen asks us to examine and meticulously care for each aspect of our lives. Are we slow or rushed? What do we discard? Are we mindful and giving of deep attention to our tasks, intentions, and processes? The tenzo has the big job of not just feeding but nourishing the people in the monastery. They must ensure that each person gets the same exact amount of food, presented in the same way. One body, one mind. Careful calculations must be made to ensure that the food is good, healthy, and prepared with loving detail that will support the practice of those whom they are serving. Essentially, the job of the tenzo is to provide immense care. All of this is a teaching for how us lay people “cook” our lives. Each rice grain, for example, symbolizes each individual we encounter. How we care for them, be they our child or a person checking out our groceries. The tenzo’s relationship to those he is serving begins with all the right effort, intention, and action behind the scenes. He is the one to arrange and organize the kitchen lists, the shopping, the purchasing of ingredients, and making sure that the ingredients selected are of good quality and handled with the utmost of care. How he shows reverence towards a carrot or a bean is how he will show reverence towards the person eating. The point is, everything matters. The ingredients in our lives that we don’t like or don’t prefer, the ones we are quick to throw in the garbage, those matter too. Thry are probably the most important. Dogen writes a lot about scraps, or what we perceive to be as such. He says to throw nothing away. It’s all valuable. Of course practically, there is such a thing as garbage, though look how many people use scraps for compost. What goes down my garbage disposal is someone else’s usable material for composting and recycling.

I have been looking at my scraps, the things I tend to want to throw away, as being the precise ingredients I need in order to cook my life. The fears, rejections, the impatience, how I clench, how I shut down, who I turn away from and why, what I choose to not engage with, and the shame that lurks beneath so much of human action, are all the ingredients I am given to create this great, bountiful meal that is life. Where am I starving myself and others? The symbolism is wild, and since I live in my kitchen and am indeed the tenzo in my family, I have been more curious and mindful not only in how I behave in my kitchen, but also in my life. Since I believe wholeheartedly that the dharma/hashem/god/universe/unseen forces gives me exactly what I need to cook and simmer myself, then that belief is meaningless unless I integrate it with action. The details of the meal are enormously important. I know that in preparing my big Rosh Hashanah kickoff meal, I am exceedingly attentive and mindful because I want the meal to be a success. I handle, plan, and prepare the food meticulously. But if I’m impatient on the supermarket line while I’m purchasing the necessary ingredients for that meal, then I have not followed the instructions to the cook. It’s never just about the food. It’s about how that level of care and attention must spill out into each and everything we serve to the world at large. Every single person, act, and situation requires the care and precision of a tenzo in a zen monastery. It doesn’t mean we starve and eat dog food while cooking beautiful and delicious things for others. The tenzo factors himself into the planning, as he is a perfect grain of rice, too. It means we see each ingredient, no matter how smelly or unfavorable, as a necessary, and therefore IMPORTANT, part of our lives.

I highly recommend you check out this wonderful text. I really think about our daily email prompts as part of this Commit to Sit period, and I’m continually knocked over by the symbolism. Think about the restaurants you like to eat in. Imagine watching the cook and learning from him. I certainly know I don’t even think about the kitchen staff when I’m at a restaurant, and yet I’m expecting them to prepare a delicious meal for me. This is how easy it is for me to ignore and not appreciate what’s happening in front of me, even if I wish to gain something from what I’m ignoring. It’s fascinatingly sad. The things we don’t care to notice.
I believe life is delicious. I have learned so much about how to nourish myself and others, and there is so much more to learn. There’s no arrival with this, no end point. No one ever reaches the mountain peak where they just nail it every single time. That’s why we need cookbooks to teach us and inspire us. Looking at my most unfavorable ingredients has been forcing me to find inner wisdom, tremendous lessons, humility, trust, and faith.

Please, Sir, may I have some more?

All are always welcome to join the NYZCCC online courses, practice periods, dharma talks, and meditations. It’s a beautiful, warm, global community of learning. There are numerous offerings, and we are joined daily by people from across the globe. All grains of rice in one magnificent pot. All info is found on the center’s website, zencare.org

Let’s eat!

Set List

Things I’ve learned on the DJ journey:

DJing is a living, breathing skill set. It evolves and changes as I do.

As with all else, if my breathing is caught and not flowing, I’ll contract and mess up my drop. When my physical body is in tune, the music will be in tune. It’s amazing; everything in my life is only as smooth and fluid (or choppy and stuck) as my breathing.

I’m a courageous badass AND I still get afraid and nervous. Fear and nerves don’t detract from my bravery. I feel it, allow it, and make space for it to be there until it’s ready to float away. Which it will.

Joy is essential. For me, that must include music, rhythm, and dance. Joy isn’t a luxury or frivolity. It’s a need.

Playing music for others is part of my unique dharmic expression. It’s a way in which I harness my own joy so I can share that with others.

Watch the staff’s response to my set. They are working hard and hearing all the DJ’s in the venue. If they’re grooving to my music then that’s a great sign.

Plan but be flexible. The present needs of the crowd trumps my planned set. However, coming prepared is crucial. Great life lesson: prepare and be able to go with the flow.

The pandemic was a reminder in how vital nightlife and live music are. Getting together for drinks, dancing, and socializing are indeed important. We are pack animals who crave socialization. Always thank the DJ for setting the tone for a night out.

It’s ok to decline a request (another life lesson).

As much as I know, there’s way more to learn and further to go. Honoring where I’m at now as well as being open to future learnings and growth (hi, life).

That potato chips taste best after a gig.

That it’s way more than just the music. It’s a giving and receiving of energy.

That mistakes happen. Do not dwell, get out fast to reset. Be aware, learn for next time, and keep playing. Just keep going and do better (huge life lesson).

That as long as the crowd is happy, that means I’m doing my job regardless of errors.

No one is paying as much attention to my mistakes as I am. No one.

Your timeline is yours. It’s never too early or too late to learn something new and incorporate it into your life. I know DJ instructors who have students in their 80’s.

That dreams are meant to be realized.

That my ability to surprise myself is mystical and magical.

That if I’m lit up by something, I must pay close attention and use that feeling as a major sign to explore further.

We are only as limited or unlimited as the stories we tell ourselves.

Pushing Through By Holding Back

Last wee k my zen teacher was talking to us about “new action”. This has become my exploratory focus as of late. It’s a very interesting personal exercise and goal: to REALLY acutely examine our habit energy, which drives our actions, and slow down long enough to take a new route. Since humans unconditionally reach for what feels safe, known, and comfortable, deliberately choosing a new action requires pushing past an edge. The edge of discomfort, the edge of the unknown. To choose different is to be determined to chart a new momentary course. New action can seem daunting when it’s thought of in the form of say, a New Years resolution (why they often last five minutes). When it’s framed as just in the presenting moment, it feels much more doable. One moment, one choice. True change comes when a series of new actions eventually becomes the new habit, replacing the old way of doing things. This is growth.

In watching a certain friend who is used to maniacally pushing herself in a specific area, it hit me that if she were to really push herself, it would mean to actually hold back. In the case of this person, her edge would be to STOP pushing herself. When thoughts and actions become addictions, even if they seem to move us along the river of achieving, then the edge, the thing that’s hard and unnatural, is to slow down and loosen the grip on More. Taking breaks from her usual path would feel excruciating to this friend for various reasons, some of which she is not unaware of (she gave me the green light to write about this). For someone addicted to Doing, which we all are in our own ways, Being is the sticky edge.

Now of course whenever I find myself observing/judging/focusing on another person’s actions, that often points reflectively to my own edges. The areas where I myself require a new action. Without self criticism, I have been stopping to observe the habitual actions that don’t serve me, the ones I’m not proudest of. I’m asking, ok, what’s the new action here? What’s the new direction I need to take to begin to craft a new story?
I’m a pretty direct and honest person. I’m self aware, which was why I was surprised and agitated when some of my CPE (chaplaincy) peers and friends told me they feel I sometimes withhold in our class, and that my withholding blocks connection. I was annoyed! Me, withholding? I trust these classmates and really value their feedback. They have gotten to know me in a very raw, vulnerable, and emotional way. Our curriculum is designed to reveal all our shadows and truths so that we, as chaplains, can better hold the suffering, shadows, and truths of our care partners. Bottom line, if several of them felt I was holding back then it was time for me to investigate that. New action: push past my habit edge of defensiveness, and use grace and willingness to be open to an outside perspective. New action: sort through my hyper vigilance of criticism (which comes from childhood survival mode at always being torn apart) and feel into the trust I have with this group. They’re not looking to hurt, reject, shame, or banish me. I spent the first 40 years of my life learning that if I said something remotely displeasing, I’d be thrown off the proverbial gang plank. This naturally instilled fear and mistrust over the years, and that residue is hard to scrub off. New action: remind myself that’s an old story and that I now feel safe, especially in that class with those teachers and peers. New action: pay deep attention to the ways in which I do hold back and cling to safety, and use the physical cues of my body as a compass to guide me to where I’m physically holding tension out of habitual self protection. New action: feel into that bodily tension and ask myself what I’m used to being afraid of, then tell myself it’s safe to let go and speak up when I’m asked to do so. New action: bring humility into the equation and see when/where/how/why I can make a different choice in the direction of connection vs fear. It’s amazing; a 3 minute interaction can bring forth a series of new actions. How liberating that inquiry can lead us down a different path at any time. New action often requires us to try again and again and again. New action: not berating myself for messing up, which I now reframe as learning. Unlearning to learn.

I’m grateful to my classmates for pointing out my edge when I couldn’t see it. Since then, I have been applying the teaching of new action to so many other areas in my life. It feels exciting and self empowering. It’s teaching me to use my human ability to choose and discern in a much more evolved way. We can’t ever push past the edges we turn away from. I hope this post inspires you to find your own edges, push through them by taking a new action, step by step. This is how we honor ourselves. This is how we break cycles and overcome outdated modes of deluded safety. Our edges were originally put in place to help us. New action: thank them and put them to rest. Be brave, be new. Do what’s uncomfortable in order to grow and recreate your life. It’s said that the only two days we can do nothing about are the days in which we are born and die. The rest of our days we are blessed with the power and gift of new action.

A War Poem

Ilya Kaminsky is from Odessa, Ukraine.

May all beings everywhere, without exception, be safe from harm, cared for, and protected.

May those of us untouched by the war find deep reserves of compassion for those who suffer on both sides.

Inconvenient Pain

I’ve been thinking a lot about this for awhile now. I’ve had this title saved as a draft for months. These two words are so loaded for me; the ways in which we turn away from our own pain and the pain of others is truly heartbreaking. There are so many reasons why someone can’t turn towards another’s suffering, and I don’t believe it’s because they don’t care (in most cases). Our own wounding, habit energy, need for control and safety, plans, etc directly affect our ability to take on what someone else is going through. This all applies to ourselves as well, and the lack of bandwidth we have for our own stuff correlates to the space we have for another’s circumstances. I know for myself, it’s been terribly confusing and desolate when anyone has ever ignored/downplayed/ changed the subject/fed me idiotic platitudes and cheesy advice. It’s one of the ultimate ways to communicate, “not only do I not see you but I don’t even care to right now, because it’s getting in the way of how I need this moment to be”. In the Soto zen Mahayana lineage I study, this is considered a form of killing. It’s akin to obliterating another by refusing to acknowledge their experience. I don’t think there’s a person walking the earth who can’t relate to how shitty this feels, especially when we risk vulnerability by sharing our pain. Anytime I have opened up and have been turned away from, I have felt like I don’t exist because my reality is being tossed in the trash. It’s so painful, particularly when it’s from someone we love and trust (or want to love and trust). It’s sad to know that most human adults are unconsciously walking the earth emotionally injuring each other. It has nothing to do with a good heart, good intentions, or whether a not the one doing the injuring is a nice person or respected teacher or community member. Even really good people often have no idea how to wholeheartedly lean in towards someone else’s hurt. Wholehearted action and attention requires full presence, a quality so many have never learned and can’t even imagine. Emotional intelligence is a skill, and most have never had any exposure to such teaching. I certainly didn’t until several years ago. My language skills in this area are beginning to improve through the school I’m enrolled in to learn to be a chaplain, with the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care. This is spiritual care training for the bedside based on Buddhist precepts, teachings, and principles. It’s unlike anything I have ever experienced. My classmates and I are always saying to each other how fortunate we are to be receiving this very specific type of education, and how our curriculum and class structure is impossible to explain to anyone not there. It’s a love language really, and it starts with us on the innermost level, a place that often never gets discovered. In order to love others well and wholeheartedly, we must learn and love the hell out of our own pain, in order to hold it and have it begin to loosen. Our own “stuff” is what blocks connection to others, so without turning towards our own pain it’s actually impossible to reach the hurt of another. You can’t cross a river that’s full of snapping crocodiles to reach someone on the other shore. You won’t make it. Those crocodiles are our own hurts and they prevent us from crossing over. So too, they prevent the other person from trying to reach us.
I can recall many times where I was turned away from and my pain was clearly unwelcome. Inconvenient. It was in the way. One such time that comes to mind is an incident from 7 years ago. Someone very close to me had just died. Very close. I was bereft. There was a family event taking place and I was standing alone in a corner of the room, sobbing. Someone in my family of origin who had planned this event looked at me with disgust and walked right by. I felt like I had just been run over by a truck being driven by this person. It felt cold, cruel, and callous. I felt totally alone. Knowing the circumstances and players involved, I instantly knew that my suffering was an inconvenience. This was supposed to be a party and my tears and mood were not in accordance with the plan. I’m pretty certain some sort of eye roll was involved. The message was clear: your pain is posing a problem for me. Where does one go when they’re hurting and they get a door slammed in their face? It’s a very serious thing, how our behavior impacts others. And I don’t even mean extreme situations like this. Innocuously interrupting someone (like I did today) or not making eye contact when someone is trying to talk to us are also injuring actions. The ways in which we cause harm, from the gross to the subtle, are endless. Like, if someone is struggling and I change the subject to try to fix it or cover it up with “positivity”, that’s not helpful; it’s selfish and points to me not being able to deal for whatever the reason of the moment is. What about uncomfortable situations makes me turn away? I can tell you that having grown up in an emotionally unstable and volatile extended family, anger is scary to me. It meant shit was about to go down, often including physical violence. I learned from a very early age to stay happy and quiet, and to wait out whatever storm cloud had just burst, then pretend like everything was fine and normal. To this day, if I think someone is angry with me I have to really work with the fear that accompanies those thoughts. My habit instinct is to flee. In my CPE class (clinical pastoral education) we do hours and hours of intense IPR (inter personal relations) where everything in each one of us is brought to the table. There is a lot of crying, and it’s the good kind that is clearing and important. It’s really intense and challenging. It’s the first time I have ever experienced emotional honesty, anger/feedback/ disappointments/disconnection in a safe and welcoming space. It took me longer than my peers to give and receive healthy feedback. It was a completely foreign concept. If I upset someone, I’ve been trained to immediately know they’ll abandon me (after telling me what a disappointment I am), and if I share that they’ve upset me, will they hate me forever? The answer is no, they don’t and they won’t. Why? Because these are healthy, loving adults who don’t shatter when things get uncomfortable. This is the most authentic space I’ve ever been it, and not once has it ever been mean, uncaring, insensitive, or led to banishment. I am so grateful to my teachers and peers for never turning away from me, and for the ways in which we are learning to turn towards each other, so we can do this at the bedside. I serve in a senior community and rehab center. I have classmates who are serving in prisons, palliative care units, and government assisted housing. Our intense curriculum includes these detailed verbatim presentations, where we re enact an interaction with a care partner. That interaction is then critiqued (lovingly but very directly) so that we can learn how to hone our chaplaincy skills, all in the service of others. So for instance, my discovery about my relationship to anger has not only been healing for me, but better equips me to deal with the anger of a patient. The world contains a million reasons to have anger. It needs attention and care just as a child having a tantrum does. Ignoring our anger, like ignoring the child who is screaming for acknowledgement and care, causes a massive divide that gets harder and harder to repair. Turning away from ourselves and others is not only not the solution, it’s simply not why we’re here on earth. We are here for connection and to serve each other. That’s not naive idealism, it’s the core of human life. It’s love, whether it’s giving a dollar to someone on the street without judgement or saying to someone in pain, “I’m with you in your suffering. I’m paying deep attention to your experience because you matter”. How can we say such a thing and follow through if we can’t go 3 minutes without checking our phones, or if we can’t even be here for ourselves? The more I learn how to hold myself well the better I can offer up myself to chaplaincy. It’s an opening, an inner shift. That layer of spiritual and emotional support begins with myself. I have felt a huge transformation and deepening since I began this schooling and work. It’s been a gift that keeps leading me home. It’s spacious.

Just as I can clearly remember many, many times where my pain was inconvenient to others, I can also pull up many instances where I was guilty of doing the same to another. It’s a hard reality to face. Accountability is really uncomfortable, which is why so few take a crack at it. But it’s a lot more uncomfortable to turn away from what we’ve done than to face it. It’s like shoving more skeletons in a closet when the closet door is already coming off the hinges. It’ll break eventually and the hidden, shameful contents will spill everywhere. There is strength and confidence in making a genuine apology. It requires us to forgive ourselves for being humans who really mess up, and to allow space for our shame, the other person’s pain, and to allow for rupture and repair. It welcomes in the other person’s experience instead of shutting it out. It’s the weakest people who can’t genuinely apologize. Their fragility in ego blocks any ability to admit they aren’t perfect. Humility is a very strong quality. Recently I have offered very genuine apologies to people who weren’t totally aware I’d hurt them, but I knew I had. It was scary to bring my unconscious actions to light, but these were incredibly meaningful and honest moments for all parties. Honesty is always freeing since it clears a blockage. It’s detoxification.
As I learn the ways in which I’ve been complicit in making others’ suffering an inconvenience to me, I can move about the world in a way that honors the purpose of human life. And to those who have hurt me and would never apologize or take two minutes to look at their actions, well, I believe they’re the ones who suffer most of all because the disconnect to Self is so extreme, resulting in great disconnect from others. This is very sad, tragic really. Moving through life in a way that’s blind to hurt is half a life. That’s not what I’m here for.

Call Me by My True Names, by Thich Nhat Hanh

Thich Nhat Hanh recently passed on. He was 95. Known as the “father of mindfulness”, he was a Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk. He taught countless individuals the power of profound presence. I’ve read that watching him walk a single step was completely transformative. Imagine, the power we humans all have to move mountains by how we treat one small, seemingly insignificant step. Paying attention is a rare quality. He wrote numerous books, poems, and texts. Below is one of his most well known poems. Parts of it are uncomfortable for me. I don’t want to be a sea pirate who rapes a child! I have been thinking a lot lately about what this poem means, especially the lines my mind chooses to push away. I think one of the messages is exactly that: what do we push away and reject, within ourselves and the greater picture? If we are each a fully contained universe, doesn’t that also include the horrors of life? This poem, to me, feels like an unattainable level of acceptance of the ugliness that exists, yet this human being attained it, which points to the limitless possibility we have to surprise ourselves over and over. The heart is so much bigger and stronger than the mind.

https://www.awakin.org/v2/read/view.php?tid=2088

Winter Wins

I wanted to share this working list of fun things I’ve done, and would like to do, with my family during winter. I love winter. Hats, mittens, that fresh leaf burning scent, crisp air, snow days, and an excuse to get warm and cozy by a fire. Currently there are a couple feet of fresh snow, and I had such a great time playing outside with my kids. I can’t recall the last time I actually made it outside, even though I make them bundle up and go. It felt so good to stomp around in my boots as I watched them roll around in the snow with the dog (who is half Husky and returned to his wintry roots). We seem to like our lists here on Lady Blaga. So fun to exchange ideas on this platform. Please write in if you have your own suggestions, I’d love to add your creativity to our family repertoire. Hey, it’s freezing and there’s a pandemic out there, we must band together and keep stuff warm and alive.


Make homemade hot pretzels. We like the Williams Sonoma recipe. My kids favor cheddar jalapeño and cinnamon sugar. You can set out bowls of toppings and play with shapes. Misshapen ones taste just as good.

Have each family member choose a coat they’ve outgrown to donate to a local shelter.

Find an article online about a topic your crew is interested in. Read and discuss over s’mores and hot cocoa.

Assign each family member another member and paint portraits of each other, or do this collage style with bowls of household odds and ends. The stranger the materials the better.

Have a goofy songwriting contest. The winner chooses something the rest of the fam has to collectively bake for them.

Bake cookies to bring to the local fire station with handwritten thank you notes.

Take a winter photo walk and actually turn it into a physical album (I know).

Sort through the black hole of gloves that’s accumulated over the years. Take the lonely ones without mates and turn them into homemade puppets. Yes, the puppet show comes next.

If you’re in NYC, Bryant Park offers amazing things to see and do. Bumper cars on ice! Skating at Rockefeller Center is always a classic activity.

Choreography challenge! Have each fam member choose a song and teach the others a silly dance routine. Designate someone to judge. This is also really fun to perform virtually for grandparents and have them be the judges (omg, they’d love it).

Take any type of class, alone/together or in person/online. If this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that education is literally at our fingertips, there’s no time to waste in enjoying life, and that opening ourselves up to new experiences is vital and rewarding. My daughter and I loved our in person macaron class, and we all enjoyed an online food art class back in Spring. We made Tigger from Winnie the Pooh out of apples, sweet potato, and eggplant. We’ve also taken samurai sword, painting, and challah baking classes online. There’s so much out there.

Do a secret family gift swap over homemade pizza night. Everyone can make their own from an assortment of toppings. Buy dough from your local pizza shop.

Have a fashion show from items in each other’s closets. Put on music and bust up your makeshift runway.

Support your local theatre community and actually leave the house to see a show. Broadway is slowly coming back!

Shovel snow for an elderly neighbor.

Chocolate fondue and movie night!

Go to a comedy club. Laughter warms the soul.

Parents, let your kids do your makeup and style your hair. I have yet to try this myself but it’s gotta be really fun (for them).

Sit down as a family and compose a legit trip wish list, day or longer. This is a great way to have kids know that their expansive desires are being heard and will be carried out.

Clean out books no longer of use and donate them to your local library or shelter.

Make food out of play dough. You can make a whole meal together, with each person creating a different dish. Take in the amazingly weird play dough smell.

Put together a family playlist for car trips and chilling at home. There’s pride in hearing our selections be enjoyed by others.

When Lions Roar

I’m so proud of my zen teacher, Kōshin Paley Ellison, for writing the following letter to the entire Buddhist community, in the aftermath of the Texas synagogue hostage hate crime. Anti Semitism, and the surprising and disheartening overall lack of response from the Buddhist community is a topic Kōshin and I have been discussing for many months. Kōshin is a proud Jew, and this is one of the reasons I feel so close to him; he fully gets me from that particular angle. The horrifying situation that happened in Texas took place over the course of our sangha’s recent online winter Sesshin (a heart mind silent retreat). A gunman entered a synagogue during prayers and held several hostages, the rabbi included, while ranting about how Jews control the world. (This is an oversimplification, and you can search online for more details).

Each time we meet for regular zen services, there’s a prayer list. I asked Kōshin to add the victims to the list, and was brought to tears when at the closing of the retreat he made a speech about what it means to be a practicing Jew in today’s times. How it’s a gift and a privilege to be able to practice Buddhism without metal detectors and security guards. I was struck by the realization that I don’t even think about our own school and synagogue’s extensive security, in that I’m so completely used to it (which made me so sad). Btw, when our retreats fall out on a Friday night, as they usually do, our sangha adds the Jewish Friday night kiddish blessing over the wine, to usher in the Sabbath. These details matter. The things we notice and include, and those we ignore and exclude. It begs deep personal inquiry. We can’t address what we refuse to look at. Kōshin is always asking us to pay acute attention to the suffering we don’t include in our hearts, the people we shut out, especially our own personal pain. When I’m a slave to my own aversions, biases, and prejudices, and indifferences, how can I possibly be a fully functioning member of global society? Who am I to decide who deserves my attention and compassion? Where am I turning a blind eye to suffering? Anti Semitism has always been a tremendously dangerous problem. It’s sadly very much still everywhere. This particular incident in Texas had been carefully planned and executed. Jews have been actively frightened for our lives for a long time now. If our houses of worship aren’t safe to go to in order to peacefully pray, will our neighbors and government defend and protect us? Who will say no to hatred, no matter who is on the receiving end? It’s crucial for the survival of any healthy, functional society that we support and help one another. That we care about each other from the most basic human perspective. I’m so grateful to Kōshin for taking this strong, beautiful, public stance that calls on the Buddhist community at large to stand firm against anti Semitism, in keeping with the vow to serve and protect all beings, without exception. Over 100 Buddhist leaders signed this letter. Lion’s Roar is one of the most well known Buddhist magazines and online publications, and it gives me hope that many will read this important article. Every one of us can and must do better to include all forms of suffering. I certainly have a long way to go in this department. I had no idea my teacher was working on this. He sent me this article last week, on what happened to be my birthday (he didn’t know that). The timing felt very synchronistic. This was a beautiful gift, and I went to bed feeling a renewed sense of hope and possibility for what we all are capable of.

https://www.lionsroar.com/buddhist-leaders-share-open-letter-addressing-antisemitism-following-texas-synagogue-attack/

The Process of Elimination

It’s amazing; we arrive in this world with nothing. Babies are seen as completely perfect and are loved immediately for being nothing other than they naturally are. The natural, unadorned state of a baby is enough to make hearts swell and burst with deep love and appreciation. Yet somehow along the course of that baby’s life, it goes on to accumulate indescribable amounts of “stuff”. Material things, ideas, preconceived notions, roles, money, fears, anxieties, clothes, relationships, educational degrees, the list is endless. Why? Because as soon as we learn we need more than what we already are, the hungry ghost gets activated and is never satiated. Its very nature is to want and so there’s no cut off point. Another bite, another dollar, another kiss, another car, another pair of shoes, another drink, another distraction, another achievement, another text, another 5 pounds, another vacation. The wanting and hunt for acquisition becomes an all consuming focus of most of our lives, even disguising itself in religion, spirituality, and worship. Another prayer, another teaching, another religious or spiritual accomplishment, another ritual, another law observed. I have been filled with deep grief at learning my own hungry ghosts, why they want what they want, and what they are really trying to tell me. We all have them, and it was a turning point in my life to realize who they are, where they come from, and how they take up residence in my human psyche. These hungry ghosts are simply part of human life, and if we don’t make friends with them then they will control us. It’s like a bus driver who is in full control of the route, destination, and passengers. The hungry ghost deserves tremendous compassion since it’s never satisfied, and also gratitude; it’s main purpose is to ultimately lead us home to the realization that underneath all the suffering and craving, we are innately whole and naturally enough. We lack nothing, despite being taught and conditioned to feel the opposite. Living in cultures of More, More, More makes believing our wholeness even harder. The messages of lack, and therefore acquiring, are everywhere. Who we are, what we own, what we haven’t yet achieved, what we look like, the success of our kids and partners; it’s all subject to evaluation and criticism. I grew up in a hyper critical environment full of shaming, comparison, and messages of extreme lack, but I have seen pretty much the same outcome from people I know who came from more supportive and loving environments. Point being, we all basically wind up in the same boat with the hungry ghost as captain. Btw, if any of you relate to the general description of my upbringing, and I suspect many of you do, please know that anyone sending the message to you that you don’t measure up in any way, is textbook projecting their own unworthiness onto you. That is a fact. No one who feels good, joyful, and at peace in their own life treats others in such a way. Whether it’s a friend, a partner, a parent, a colleague etc, all lack stems from the giver and not the recipient. It’s also important to remember that these people learned this from another source as well. Lack and unworthiness is a very damaged language that is learned and unconsciously transmitted. Only with awareness do we get the chance to break these cycles.
One of the reasons I love Buddhist practice so much is that it teaches me to strip away everything that is not my true, whole nature. I mean everything: thoughts, cravings, patterns of suffering, habits, learned stories and conditioning, and attachments to emotions and mental formations (to name a few). Buddhist psychology cuts to the root of human suffering by teaching one how to work acutely with the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual bodies. By driving home the truth that EVERYTHING is impermanent, this begins to separate the real us from our deluded accumulated excess. We begin to loosen the grip on our identifications, be it through thought, materialism, appearance, or feeling. I find that the more excess I can let go of, the more intimate I can be in each moment. I see direct results; if I can shake loose doubts and fears for example, this removes the barrier of a scary perceived obstacle, which then allows me to face said obstacle and reframe it as an opportunity. Whatever I can scrape off from my life causes an increased lightness. We only carry what we refuse to put down. Read that again. We only carry what we refuse to put down. Even scraping the shmutz off my tongue with my tongue scraper every day feels great; I’m seeing yucky stuff that doesn’t belong there get washed away. Being clean and pure feels good and natural. Removing what doesn’t belong, whether it’s an old pair of pants, an unhealthy relationship, extra inches of dry hair, a grudge, an unsatisfying job, or an outdated mindset, simply feels right. Eliminating waste from a bodily perspective is a tremendous blessing. To not be able to pee and defecate properly means the body is sick. So too with our other dimensions of being. If we can’t (or won’t) release other forms of waste then we will accumulate a lifetime of mental and emotional poison. Just as we always need to eat then shit out in order to physically function, so too must we constantly examine all the various ways in how we can eliminate.
What have I taken in that needs to be gotten rid of? What have I picked up that needs dropping? What has been literally weighing me down? What relationships are clogging my life? What role am I playing in my own accumulated suffering? What new decisions can I make that will support my personal freedom by way of eliminating waste? What don’t I need anymore in order to unconsciously survive? What lack is driving the grip? What’s needed in this now moment to further my process of elimination?
What’s needed in yours?
May our awareness, self love, and power of choice, not our hungry ghosts, drive our buses home again and again. We are always waiting for ourselves.

Q&A for One

I love the prompts certain accounts I follow on Instagram give. I find a good prompt to be a helpful tool in terms of immediate associative self reflection. I’ve never offered prompts on the blog, and I thought I’d try it today, at the very start of 2022. The great thing about prompts are that you can also write your own and look at them every so often. It’s been a gratifying practice for me to note my different answers to the same questions. This provides a way to note how my evolving answers show my own evolution. Your answers are private. This is a conversation you have with yourself, a Q&A for one. You can practice being as honest as possible in such a private space, without fear of outside judgement. Any self judgment that arises at your own answers, just say, “no thank you, I’m going to answer these honestly”. When we speak our own integral truth, even only to ourselves, it flexes the inner honesty muscle, as well loosens the knots we tie on how others perceive us. It’s a wonderful inquiry: if no one else were here to hear me, what would I really say? In a society that trains us to not rock the boat, upset the balance, and stifle ourselves so as not to make waves, it can take a long time to feel safe being truly honest in a skillful way. I find these private practices of dialoguing with myself had taught me to feel safe expressing what’s really going on for me in the moment. And btw, anyone who possesses balance won’t be thrown off by your own authentic sentiments. Observe those around you who’d rather you stay zipped up so that their own mood/world/atmosphere doesn’t get disturbed. These are not your people. Teach yourself to make your honesty comfortable to you, so that you can better spot the people who are uncomfortable with it.

Three things I love about myself are…

One small thing I can do regularly to treat my body with love and respect is…

Qualities that matter most to me in a close friend are… (do your close friends actually posses these qualities?)

When I make a mistake, my first reaction is to…

I spend time in nature (any amount) how often…

If I were to make a vow to myself about character growth and development, it’d be to cultivate (fill in the blank) this year…

One story I can drop about myself is…

The hidden or unexpressed passion/dream I have is…

I exist in a state of panic, worry, and fear this often…

I react when I feel others criticizing or judging me because…

An unhealthy relationship I need to loosen my grip on is with…

This dynamic is wrong for me because…

One subject of interest I’d like to learn more about is…

One dish I’d like to learn to cook is…

I pay attention to my breath how often…

I allow myself periods of rest and downtime how often…

When was the last time I touched earth or water in a way that was meaningful…

How often do I tell my loved ones that I love and appreciate them…

Think of a person who brings you joy.
How often do I (you) actually spend time with this person?

One thing I wish people knew about me is…

One thing I remember loving in childhood that I’ve lost touch with is…

On my deathbed, I’ll be heart satisfied if I lived like this…

I’m so much stronger than I realized because I…

One way I balance out living in a materialistic society is…

I physically release stored tension and energy by doing…

The first thoughts when I wake up are usually…

If I paid attention to my hands, I’d see them in this way… (clenched, wringing them, open, loving)

When I look in the mirror, I’d describe my eyes like this…

An area in my life I’m unhappy with is…

My purpose on this planet is to…


Happy New Year, Dear Ones. It’s your life. Care for it powerfully, lovingly, honestly, and consistently. 2022 can be amazing, warts and all (warts are inevitable). We can only grow that which we plant.

A List

Things I’ve done in 2021 (that make me smile):

Traveled to Spain with my girls.

Became a chaplain intern in a Senior community.

Led a Christmas service.

Received the Buddhist precepts and a dharma name with the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care.

White water rafted.

Spent the day at a goat farm.

Went apple picking in the rain.

Learned to bake authentic French Macarons.

Took beautiful photo shoots.

Upped my meditation game.

Began communicating with someone in the prison system (with an alias and a PO Box).

Hosted an epic Rosh Hashanah dinner.

Invented new meals for my family.

Reached out randomly to several famous comedians who answered me back.

Had a full page spread in Elle UK.

Prioritized scheduled rest and downtime.

Ate more pizza and fries unapologetically.

Found much increased peace and contentment as a currently single woman (so proud of this one).

Established a deeply gratifying balance between Judaism and Buddhism, both which I feel equally at home in.

Examined my unhealthy habits, patterns, and conditioning with far more honesty and scrutiny than ever before. And with no judgement, a first!

DJ’d virtually for an orphanage in Israel.

Did a weeklong silent retreat online from home (was amazing to experience myself at home in such a different way).

Read wonderful books.

Lead some guided meditations.

Met many new people.

Began to come more and more into my own worthiness and know fully that I’m deserving of boundless, unconditional love and care (only took me 43 years).

Made peace with the death of a very close loved one.

Accepted that I can only rescue myself (only took me 43 years).

Energetically buried painful, old attachments to family of origin with peace and no anger (only took me 43 years).

Watched The Great British Baking Show with my son. We love it!

Thought of countless creative ideas, some I’ll use some I won’t.

Finally learned to be unafraid to release unhealthy and damaging romantic patterns (only took me 43 years). My trust muscle has become so strong. When I get scared, the zen mantra of “no doubt” helps immediately, because I fully believe it. The dharma wheel is always turning, with no surplus and no lack. This is medicine for me.

Had conversations with my son about the chakras, upon his inquiring. He also loves feeling Tibetan meditation bells when I sometimes ring them for him at night. Such a joy to expose my kids to this.

Felt no need to run around and do/see/experience constant external sources of stimulation. Exploring and enjoying the world is great, yet I’ve been just as happy seeking nothing. It’s a relief. It means I like myself and my life so much more (only took me 43 years).

Truly learned to appreciate and cherish myself, as I understood how to reparent Me.

These are the things that presently come to mind, I’m sure there are more. Many of these things I never in a million years thought I’d do, which is why it’s so beautiful and gratifying to write them out. I lived in a constant state of panic when I thought my life would never contain freshness, newness, variety, opportunities, possibilities for expansion and growth. All that sameness and predictability felt innately wrong. It felt like fear because it was, and fear multiplies. It takes courage to break out of the expected, and to embrace the unexpected.
What will you embrace in 2022? Will yourself be included in that embracing?
It’s time.

Being Well in the Heart of Winter

Hello, Friends. I had several topics as potential posts, then this beautiful article on winter popped up from Sebene Selassie, one of my favorite dharma teachers. It’s too lovely not to share. People have such complex relationships to seasons, the weather, and especially and understandably to change. I used to dread winter, too. The bare trees looked like mean skeletons, and I feared for those last few leafy days in November. The gray skies and early darkness in both morning and evening felt bleak. I honestly haven’t felt like that in years, and I noted my change in attitude with relief and wonder. It felt hopeful that I had the ability, as guided by my inner experience, to relate completely differently to outward experiences. ‘‘Twas a major aha moment; it’s not the weather, the time, the calendar, etc that determines my state of being. For so long, “change” as a concept felt unattainable because I felt stuck. Therefore, beginning to organically lean into change, as represented by the seasons, filled me with aliveness and the promise of fresh perspective. What Sebene writes here makes perfect sense. We are animals, we are nature. We aren’t meant to act and live the same way 365 days a year. Different seasons invite us to relate to life differently; when we resist that and throw out Nature’s invitations, this puts us off balance. Perhaps consider reframing Winter, its meaning, and how you cooperate with its offerings. Think about it, if Spring Break were all year we’d… break. Winter, as I came to see it, was magical in its own way and I was finally taking off my blinders enough to join this period of hibernation, warmth from the inside, patience, rest, and inner fortification. We aren’t robots, we aren’t iPhones; we use these things until they begin to use us. Our essence is of animal nature, so rest and stillness is key for survival. I hope you enjoy this article as I did, and you can sign up for Sebene Selassie’s newsletter through her Instagram of the same name. Her book You Belong is fantastic, I highly recommend it.

Being Well in the Heart of Winter

I first heard the phrase holiday heart from an otherwise very healthy friend who experienced a cardiac emergency a few Decembers ago. The term refers to the increase in heart conditions linked to the seasonal consumption of alcohol, salt, and fat (as well as the end-of-year stress related to family, money, and work). It makes this time of year not only most wonderful, but also most deadly. Number one day for most fatal heart attacks: December 25th. Second: December 26th. Third: January 1st.

"Wintering" is a term from Katherine May (see below) that promotes a conscious relationship to the season. Wintering invites us to be more in tune with the rhythms of nature, of our nature.

We are nature. We are animals. As other animals and all of nature pause and replenish during this time of year, it is only us humans that demand of ourselves and each other to be active (and actively festive) when maybe what is most needed is rest and retreat.

I used to dread winter. But when I follow the cycles of light and energy around me, mimic the animals, and honor my deepest instincts (keeping lights low when it is dark outside, basking in the light that does appear – including aided by lamps, doing less, sleeping more, warming myself with nourishing baths, food, herbs), I can feel very well in winter.

Wintering is the true heart of the holiday season.

For those of us in the northern hemisphere: May we find synchronicity with winter – not simply to endure this season – but to learn from it, receive its gifts, and thrive in its wonders. May we be well in the heart of winter.

Artist Sophie Lucido Johnson's post beautifully captures our animal need for more rest in winter and the compassion we can bring into the darkness. “I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a thousand times: it’s hard to be a good animal when you are a human living inside capitalist systems of oppression. We have confusing inventions like electricity and Red Bull that make it seem like winter is NOT a time where our bodies need to sleep more and eat more and socialize less... January 1 should be when everyone reaches peak hibernation.”

A variety of balancing foods and herbs support me in winter. I don't eat or drink cold things at this time of year, and I lean into teas and tinctures that support deep rest. Slathering my body (and especially my feet) with sunshine in a bottle is a nightly ritual. (And if you are as obsessed with the magic of body oiling much as I am, may I recommend this and this). Also, baths. Also, naps.

Frederic is half Danish but I'd been traveling to Denmark for a decade before I met him, so my knowledge of hygge goes back over twenty years. Hygge is a whole vibe seemingly built around the Scandinavian adaptation to intense winter darkness. Often described as “coziness,” hygge is referenced year round in Denmark but invites a special synchronicity with winter. Warmth in the form of lighting is key – that's why Danish lamp designs are so iconic (also, Danes burn a LOT of candles which can be toxic – I only use cleanburning beeswax candles from here). Warmth extends to comfy clothing (I learned how to dress properly in winter from Scandinavians), beautiful surroundings (again, Danish design!), conviviality (I've been doing lots of audio-only phone calls and loving it over zooming), and anything else that adds to a sense of contentment.

Katherine May spoke to Krista Tippet about her book Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times and what she shares goes beyond the literal season, applicable to all times personal and collective (including our current one) when the need for pause and replenishment must be honored. “Not that you would wish for it or wish this thing for anything else, but… ‘They are asking something of us,’ our winterings. ‘We must learn to invite them in’ and to stop wishing it were summer… that is really the hardest thing to believe, when you’re in the midst of that dark place, is that there is a summer on the other side of this; that there can be.”

The winter solstice is near. Since ancient times, humans have celebrated the shortest day of the year with rituals and monuments honoring the returning light. Nancy Holt built her massive Sun Tunnels in 1976 as a physical manifestation of this cosmic occurrence.

I've come to understand so much about the elemental nature of the seasons through my dear friend Lindsay Fauntleroy (whose forthcoming book on the five elements I'm so thrilled about). It's from Lindsay I first learned that winter is signified by the most yin element, water. Winter invites us into the deep, still, fully receptive nature of our being. As she succinctly states: Water invites us to surrender... to allow transformation... and to get out of the way.

My favorite winter album is Brian Eno's Thursday Afternoon. Its gentleness does not compete with the stillness of the season. I find it resonant anytime of day, but, despite the name, especially when I rise, with above mentioned candles burning, drinking my matcha, as I do morning pages (another nice seasonal vibe).

I Refuse To Torture Myself

Here’s something that hit me last week, as I was caught in a storm of doubt, fear, and a serious case of the “what if’s”. In the midst of the mind-storm a voice inside my head firmly announced, “I refuse to torture myself”. I actually started laughing. It was such simple, clear advice. It’s like we already know what to do. The treasure of inner wisdom gets so damn buried by whatever our nervous system is projectile vomiting up in the moment. So I started trying it every single time any unpleasant thought or question ran out from the dugout of my subconscious. Guess what? It works. It felt like such a relief to be able to mentally and emotionally pivot with that one concise decision. Nope, not gonna torture myself. We aren’t doing that anymore. My spiritual care toolbox is quite large at this point. Sometimes I need a half day meditation, sometimes it’s listening to an hour long dharma talk while snuggled in bed, sometimes it’s DJing or cooking. And sometimes it’s a clear commitment to refuse to take part in building stories, believing assumptions, and making shit up. The parade of thoughts marching loudly through my mind, wants to drown out the calm whisper of the inner teacher that doubts and fears nothing. Zero. I tap into that part of me all the time, it’s my higher self. Doing that is what brings me the most peace and freedom because it’s instant medicine. It’s an elixir to whenever mental, emotional, and spiritual hindrances arise (quite often since that’s human nature). Try it. You’ll be amazed (I was also really sad) at learning how often we need to strongly manage these harmful thought forms. But here’s the thing; you CAN manage them. This private declaration of “I refuse to torture myself” is one of the most effective tools I’ve found for pressing the eject button on said thoughts. They often just go byeeeeeee. This is quite empowering in that it shows us we absolutely have the innate ability to watch our thoughts come and go. We don’t have to live as slaves to our minds. I so wish this was taught in schools to young children. Why do we have to wait for adulthood to even have a shot at discovering this stuff?? How different would our lives be if we learned this from preschool age? It honestly terrifies me to think of a life in which I never encountered these concepts and meditation, and I thank god every day that I somehow found this treasure chest of knowledge and wisdom. We are creatures of a higher order, energy and light encased in bodies. The more I remember this the better I feel, and the better my whole life becomes. The choice to not take part in self torture, judgement, or fearful doubt immediately kicks my higher self into high gear. I know I’m meant to live in that state of peace, space, and grace. It’s an unclogging, an unlearning, a clearing out to rediscover that natural spaciousness again and again. It’s literally ripping out very strong, old weeds.
Perhaps some of the following may help you. It’s important to share that I usually say this in a playful manner. For me, when I can engage with my mind in a more relaxed way, that alone loosens the grip on whatever suffering is arising. It’s kind of like a “nope, no thanks I’m good” mood.

I refuse to torture myself.
I choose to care for myself in this moment of fear, uncertainty, shakiness, clinging, anger (insert your favorite one here) by staying grounded with loud breaths.
I will not take part in these mental stories.
Nope, not going there. Don’t have to. I know I’m being held and guided. I know that all is working out for my greatest and highest good.
I know Source has beautiful things tailor made for me so I don’t have to bow down to worry.
No thanks, I’m just going to breathe into what actually is, instead of inventing the future or resurrecting the past.
No matter what tricks my mind is unleashing, the wisest, truest part of me knows everything is just as it should be. No surplus, no lack.

We always have a choice. You are a sacred kingdom of One. Rule well and wisely.

Building Bridges

I have an idea and I need your help.

As Chanukah concludes, I’m deeply taking in miracles, gifts, blessings, and the symbols of this particular holiday. Fire, as symbolized by the oil and candles burning into the dark winter night, is an element I think about constantly. Fire lives in the third chakra, manipura, above the navel region. It largely defines the strong Pitta dosha in Ayurveda, of which I very much am in lots of ways. Fire allows us to get shit done, to burn underneath our butts so we can get up and be motivated to act. Fire is reactive, it can be angry (anger, when seen and used wisely, can spark tremendous change and motion). I have had chronic ulcerative colitis since childhood; inflammation of the intestinal tract. Again, flames in the center of my body. Fire transforms everything it touches, so it’s a really powerful natural force that brings forth powerful change. Fire is alchemy, melting and liquefying substances into whole other elements. We’d die without fire yet it must be handled with extreme caution. Fire is a messenger; many cultures and traditions offer up sacrifices to the gods via fire. Fire burns things away. I think about this each Friday as I light Shabbat candles, asking myself what needs to be burned away for the coming new week. Life demands constant releasing, tweaking, refining. We are given endless opportunities to burn away our emotional and mental excess. When this great gift of possibility goes ignored and the call to burn away our stuff goes unanswered, the heart feels so heavy, the mind locked into weariness. I have a feeling you know what I mean. Accumulation can be very suffocating whether it’s tangible or not.

I don’t know much. Does anyone, really? It seems that billions of humans are bumping around doing different things, trying to shape these mysterious lives and bodies we wound up in. We grasp for positive experiences and push away the negative, seeming to define all things as “good or bad”. There’s an astonishing caveman simplicity to our preferences. This: me like. That: me no like. So many of our likes and dislikes have been passed down to us, even since in utero. There are literally certain preconceived biases we have energetically ingested through the umbilical cord. Inherited family trauma in the womb is a very real thing. Almost every family system has their own brand of inherited inter-generational trauma. These families are what make up communities. Communities, and the families within them, usually do a constant dance of passing unhealthy habits back and forth. So many ideas that we each carry around aren’t even ours; they became ingrained after years of repetition. At some point it becomes consciously or subconsciously easier to just agree. And then there are the times we pause to think for ourselves and really do agree, though some inner part of our soul knows there’s more to these societal agreements than the brain can grasp. Like, if what we are complying with isn’t helpful, then what? How do we pivot (the word of 2021) to a fresh, healthier approach despite all we’ve ever known? Is it possible to steer the ship in another direction, even though our whole lives we’ve been warned that any other path is treacherous and deadly?

Allow me to explain.
There’s not a day I don’t think about the Holocaust in some way. I am grateful for this. I grew up surrounded by survivors, their stories, their renewed love of life and faith, their superhuman ability to take the most unimaginable experience and alchemize it into joy, philanthropy, leadership, inspiration, and continuity. I take the directive to “never forget” extremely seriously. I fully believe it’s my responsibility and honor to memorialize the 6 million plus, as well as to pass this message onto my own children. I am very proud to come from survivors, and so grateful that my childrens’ grandfather is a survivor as well. It’s an undeniably special part of Jewish education. Reading about it, while crucial, doesn’t compare to being surrounded by actual survivors. Out of every reasonable reason in the book, I was taught to hate, separate, fear, and build concrete walls against Germany and all Germans. I completely understand this. It’s first and foremost a protective move. What happened on German soil was unfathomable. We were hunted there. No healthy mind can comprehend it. Anger, hatred, fear, frustration, the instinct to stay the hell away from anything German makes total sense. I, too, have been complicit in this inherited system, as far as my own views and what I’ve taught my own children. Throughout history, Jews have been betrayed by and violently harmed by our friends and neighbors. Time and again we have been taught to trust no one. It’s incredibly sad and painful because separation of any kind is indeed just that; full of deep pain. The soul longs to connect to pretty much everyone. It hates no one. A soul isn’t mired in racism, homophobia, anti Semitism, caste laws, or biases of any kind. It truly isn’t. Our soul is the purest, most childlike part of us that knows it’s mission on Earth is to form loving connections, even if said connection lasts 30 seconds on the coffee shop line. We are here to build bridges. I believe this to my core, and separation of any sort prevents that. It actually hurts. One of the tenets of Buddhism is that every single thing/being/action is completely interdependent. Look up the Net of Indra. Nothing is separate, and any bit of separation is a delusion. I believe this as well. So how can I, at this stage in my life, claim to practice no separation while staying separate from entire countries and the people in them? How can I, as a mother, knowingly encode my own children with inherited hatred, trauma, fear, and separation? It’s like forcing poison down their throats. It conflicts with everything else I strive to be and do as a mother. It no longer makes sense to me. How do I go forth in the world, in this new way of seeing things, in a way that refuses to add more hatred and separation? This has nothing to do with forgiveness or forgetting. The Holocaust, like many other things in the world, is unforgivable. So much of suffering is. I don’t intent to forgive or forget. But here’s where I’m at; this horrific thing happened and now what? I feel faced with the very clear choice to either perpetuate the world’s overflowing sickness of divisiveness, or do my little part to heal it. Every decision made in either direction causes ripples of hate or love, period. This is true for everything, not just wars. It happens innocuously throughout the most mundane moments in our daily lives. Pay close attention and you’ll get the hang of tracking it. The world has seen Hitler and Ghandi. One person’s power to affect change is staggering. Our choices really matter such a great deal. So where will I direct my attention in this particular part of my life? Tikun Olam is the Jewish duty to heal the world. I don’t see how I can begin to embark on this mission if I am committed to separation from anyone. It’s totally conflicting, and the soul weeps from such conflict. There’s a saying that the mind causes huge divides and the heart tirelessly works to close them. Such is the constant battle of the human being. We are in possession of these ever present polarities. It’s not about right or wrong; it’s so much deeper than that. Being right is a very limited reward. It often provides no true satisfaction. It’s an excuse to stay separate.
Another group in society that I never thought I’d have contact with are incarcerated prisoners. Through a particular study group I have been paired with someone in the prison system. I use an alias and a PO Box, which are qualifications that felt safe for me to join the program. I have a very rich, exploratory communication with an individual who is imprisoned. I’m very grateful for the opportunity to connect with this person. Without going into any detail, I can say that this person has generously offered me much kindness, wisdom, and sincerity during our letter writing. It’s an old fashioned pen pal set up. I love getting and sending these letters. It’s amazing how much a pen and paper can accomplish in the way of establishing connection. See? That’s how naturally connection comes when we don’t fight it. I reasonably deliberated before joining this study group. It was totally out of my comfort zone. I had fears and hesitations. During this period in my life in which I was debating this, I was wrestling with a major source of unrelated suffering. I can tell you this much; the day I decided to join the inside/outside study group, the door to this other situation blew wide open in the right direction. I felt it immediately, it was such a powerful energy shift. Something in my heart burst open and I unknowingly cleared the path for this other thing to work itself out. This all happened within minutes. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my breaking down the wall of separation in one area led to a merging in the other area. All is interdependent. One move towards connecting leads to more openings and connections. This is the inner guide leading us home towards the truth of Oneness. I know which way feels better on a cellular level. My cells literally respond with aliveness when I choose to release myself from the pain of separation and isolation. This never means we enter into harmful situations of any kind, or tolerate abuse in the name of no separation. NEVER. Often times this work is solely inner and private. We can break down walls while staying absolutely safe. It boils down to the choice of how we want to experience this life, and what we see as our purpose. We are all here together, that’s a fact. So now what? In Buddhism it’s a form of relational killing to destroy even the idea of a person, or to destroy their chance for building bridges, to deprive them of their own stories and experiences. Denying the reality of another is a form of killing and stealing. I took vows to not do such things. So basically, I’m full of shit if I keep hating all of Eastern Europe for its role in the war.
To my German and Eastern European readers and followers: thank you for being here, for reading my words, and for being interested in my life. I’m so grateful for your presence and attention. I wish to get to know you better. No separation.

So here is where I’m asking for help, if this speaks to any of you. I ask the following with an open mind, open heart, and a commitment to both myself and the world. I am both an individual and part of this web of humanity. In examining my own role in adding to worldly poison, I’m unlearning and deprogramming so much. It’s a constant relearning. I have teachers, guides, and take strong doses of the medicine that is humility. I choke on it sometimes. I am destroying old personal paradigms to rebuild anew. I have done this before in other ways, all preparation for this. I feel a blinding shame at how I’ve participated in hatred and separation, all necessary fuel to follow my inner guide down a new path. Walls hurt. Haven’t we all been through enough?
So here’s my raw and radical question. I never thought I’d ask something like this because I never wanted to. But now I do. Would any of you be interested in being paired up in a pen pal/email partnership, with the intention to get curious about each other in regards to the Jewish/Eastern European/German divide? I see this as a vulnerable space of curiosity, learning, discussion, inquiry, and a mutual reaching out of hands and hearts. This is not unattainable idealism, I know in my bones this is possible. We can plant seeds of connection on dry, infertile lands. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. One tiny jug of oil lasted 8 nights. Righteous Gentiles did the impossible. It’s ok to be uninterested. It’s ok to be hesitant and think about it. But I’d like to offer up my life and my platform as a bridge. If anyone in any part of the world is interested in partnering up, please email the blog with your full name and reason for interest. The writing partnerships can be free form or I will offer up discussion prompts based on my Buddhist learnings. This is all experimental. It’s new. We will learn this together. There is so much the mind clings to, it often overwhelms me. Never Forget. Always Remember what is possible. Always Remember what you were designed for. Never Forget your heart’s deepest truth, a truth to which walls are strangers. Let’s really meet each other.

Herbert Pagani, Pleading for my land.

Last Night, I was in the subway when I heard two ladies say:
" Did you see these Jews with their stories at the U.N.? What jerks! "
It's true. We are jerks. For centuries we have been the world's jerks. It's in our nature, what can you do?
Abraham with his single God, Moses with his 10 Commandments, Jesus with his second cheek always available for a second slap, then Freud, Marx, Einstein, all were intruders, revolutionaries, enemies of the Order.
Why?
Because no order, whatever the century, could satisfy them - since they were always excluded. To call everything in question, to see further, changing the world to change their destiny, such was the destiny of my Ancestors.
This is why the defenders of all established orders hate them.
- The anti-Semite of the right blames the Jews for having executed the Bolshevik revolution. It's true: there were many of them, in 1917.
- The anti-Semite of the left blames the Jews for owning Manhattan. It's true: there are many Jewish capitalists.
The reason is simple: religion, culture, and the revolutionary ideal on the one hand, stocks and banks on the other, are the only transportable values, the only possible country for those that do not have a country.
And now that there is a country, Anti-Semitism reappears from its ashes… - Sorry! From OUR ashes - and it's called anti-Zionism! It used to be applied only to individuals; it is now applied to a country.
Israel is a ghetto - Jerusalem is Warsaw… The Nazis who besiege us speak Arabic!
And if their crescent is sometimes disguised in a sickle, that's simply for better trapping the liberal leftists of the world.
I, who am a Jew of the left, I don't care about a certain left that wants to free all men of the world at the expense of some of them - because I am precisely one of these!
I support class struggle, but I also support the right to be different. If the left wants to count me among its members, it cannot exclude my problem.
And my problem is that since the Roman deportations of the 1st century after Jesus-Christ, everywhere we went we were expelled, dishonored, banished, tracked, denounced, crushed, burned and converted by force!
Why?
Because our religion - i.e. our culture was dangerous. Some examples:
· Judaism was the first to create the Shabbath, the day of God, i.e. the day of weekly mandatory rest. You imagine the joy of the Pharoes, always late in building the next pyramid.
· Judaism prohibits slavery. You can imagine the sympathy of the Romans, the most significant wholesalers of free labor of the Antiquity.
· It is said in the Bible: "The earth does not belong to man, but to God." From this sentence a law is created, the automatic handing-over of real-estate every 49 years. You imagine the effect of such a law on the Popes of the Middle Ages and the builders of empires during the Renaissance.
It was imperative that the people do not learn the truth.
They started by banishing the Bible, then were the libels: walls of defamation that became walls of stone that were called ghettos.
Then it was the Inquisition, the flames and later the yellow stars.
Auschwitz is only an industrial example of genocide, but there were thousands of hand-made genocides. It would take me three days only to name all the pogroms of Spain, Russia, Poland and North Africa.
By continuing to flee and to move, the Jew went everywhere. One extrapolates: he ends up being from nowhere.
We are among the people like the welfare child. I don't want to be adopted any more. I don't want for my life to depend on my owners' mood any more. I don't want to be a "citizen-renter" any more.
I have enough of knocking at History's doors and waiting until I'm told: "Enter". I enter and I yell! I am at home on earth and on earth I have my land: she was promised to me, she will be mine!
What is Zionism? It's reduced to a simple sentence: "Next year in Jerusalem."
No, it's not a slogan of the Club Med. It's written in the Bible, the book that has sold more copies and has been misunderstood more than any other book in the world.
And this prayer became a roar, a roar that is over 2000 years old, and the fathers of Columbus, Kafka, Proust, Chagall, Marx, Einstein, and even Mr. Kissinger, repeated this sentence, this roar, at least once a year, on Passover.
Then, is Zionism equal to Racism? Don't make me laugh! Is "Soft France, dear country of my childhood" ( "Douce France, cher pays de mon enfance" ) a racist anthem? Zionism is the name of a struggle for freedom!
In the world, everybody has its Jews. The French have theirs: they are the Breton, Occitans, Corsicans, and the immigrant workers. The Italians have Sicilians; the Americans have their Blacks; the Spaniards their Basques.
We, we are EVERYBODY'S Jews.
To those that tell me: "And the Palestinians?", I answer: "I am a 2000 year-old Palestinian. I am the oldest oppressed man in the world."
I will negotiate with them, but I will not yield my place to them. There's enough space there for two people and two nations. The borders are to be determined together. But the existence of one country cannot in any case exclude the existence of the other. And the political options of a government never called into question the existence of a nation, whatever the nation.
Then why Israel?
When Israel is out of danger, I will choose among Jews and my Arab neighbors, those who are my brothers by ideas.
Today, I must be united with all of my people, even those whom I hate, in the name of this insurmountable enemy: RACISM.
Descartes was wrong: "I think, therefore I am" doesn't mean anything. We have been thinking for 5000 years, and we still don't exist!

I defend myself, therefore I am!