Pushing Through By Holding Back

Last wee k my zen teacher was talking to us about “new action”. This has become my exploratory focus as of late. It’s a very interesting personal exercise and goal: to REALLY acutely examine our habit energy, which drives our actions, and slow down long enough to take a new route. Since humans unconditionally reach for what feels safe, known, and comfortable, deliberately choosing a new action requires pushing past an edge. The edge of discomfort, the edge of the unknown. To choose different is to be determined to chart a new momentary course. New action can seem daunting when it’s thought of in the form of say, a New Years resolution (why they often last five minutes). When it’s framed as just in the presenting moment, it feels much more doable. One moment, one choice. True change comes when a series of new actions eventually becomes the new habit, replacing the old way of doing things. This is growth.

In watching a certain friend who is used to maniacally pushing herself in a specific area, it hit me that if she were to really push herself, it would mean to actually hold back. In the case of this person, her edge would be to STOP pushing herself. When thoughts and actions become addictions, even if they seem to move us along the river of achieving, then the edge, the thing that’s hard and unnatural, is to slow down and loosen the grip on More. Taking breaks from her usual path would feel excruciating to this friend for various reasons, some of which she is not unaware of (she gave me the green light to write about this). For someone addicted to Doing, which we all are in our own ways, Being is the sticky edge.

Now of course whenever I find myself observing/judging/focusing on another person’s actions, that often points reflectively to my own edges. The areas where I myself require a new action. Without self criticism, I have been stopping to observe the habitual actions that don’t serve me, the ones I’m not proudest of. I’m asking, ok, what’s the new action here? What’s the new direction I need to take to begin to craft a new story?
I’m a pretty direct and honest person. I’m self aware, which was why I was surprised and agitated when some of my CPE (chaplaincy) peers and friends told me they feel I sometimes withhold in our class, and that my withholding blocks connection. I was annoyed! Me, withholding? I trust these classmates and really value their feedback. They have gotten to know me in a very raw, vulnerable, and emotional way. Our curriculum is designed to reveal all our shadows and truths so that we, as chaplains, can better hold the suffering, shadows, and truths of our care partners. Bottom line, if several of them felt I was holding back then it was time for me to investigate that. New action: push past my habit edge of defensiveness, and use grace and willingness to be open to an outside perspective. New action: sort through my hyper vigilance of criticism (which comes from childhood survival mode at always being torn apart) and feel into the trust I have with this group. They’re not looking to hurt, reject, shame, or banish me. I spent the first 40 years of my life learning that if I said something remotely displeasing, I’d be thrown off the proverbial gang plank. This naturally instilled fear and mistrust over the years, and that residue is hard to scrub off. New action: remind myself that’s an old story and that I now feel safe, especially in that class with those teachers and peers. New action: pay deep attention to the ways in which I do hold back and cling to safety, and use the physical cues of my body as a compass to guide me to where I’m physically holding tension out of habitual self protection. New action: feel into that bodily tension and ask myself what I’m used to being afraid of, then tell myself it’s safe to let go and speak up when I’m asked to do so. New action: bring humility into the equation and see when/where/how/why I can make a different choice in the direction of connection vs fear. It’s amazing; a 3 minute interaction can bring forth a series of new actions. How liberating that inquiry can lead us down a different path at any time. New action often requires us to try again and again and again. New action: not berating myself for messing up, which I now reframe as learning. Unlearning to learn.

I’m grateful to my classmates for pointing out my edge when I couldn’t see it. Since then, I have been applying the teaching of new action to so many other areas in my life. It feels exciting and self empowering. It’s teaching me to use my human ability to choose and discern in a much more evolved way. We can’t ever push past the edges we turn away from. I hope this post inspires you to find your own edges, push through them by taking a new action, step by step. This is how we honor ourselves. This is how we break cycles and overcome outdated modes of deluded safety. Our edges were originally put in place to help us. New action: thank them and put them to rest. Be brave, be new. Do what’s uncomfortable in order to grow and recreate your life. It’s said that the only two days we can do nothing about are the days in which we are born and die. The rest of our days we are blessed with the power and gift of new action.