I Refuse To Torture Myself

Here’s something that hit me last week, as I was caught in a storm of doubt, fear, and a serious case of the “what if’s”. In the midst of the mind-storm a voice inside my head firmly announced, “I refuse to torture myself”. I actually started laughing. It was such simple, clear advice. It’s like we already know what to do. The treasure of inner wisdom gets so damn buried by whatever our nervous system is projectile vomiting up in the moment. So I started trying it every single time any unpleasant thought or question ran out from the dugout of my subconscious. Guess what? It works. It felt like such a relief to be able to mentally and emotionally pivot with that one concise decision. Nope, not gonna torture myself. We aren’t doing that anymore. My spiritual care toolbox is quite large at this point. Sometimes I need a half day meditation, sometimes it’s listening to an hour long dharma talk while snuggled in bed, sometimes it’s DJing or cooking. And sometimes it’s a clear commitment to refuse to take part in building stories, believing assumptions, and making shit up. The parade of thoughts marching loudly through my mind, wants to drown out the calm whisper of the inner teacher that doubts and fears nothing. Zero. I tap into that part of me all the time, it’s my higher self. Doing that is what brings me the most peace and freedom because it’s instant medicine. It’s an elixir to whenever mental, emotional, and spiritual hindrances arise (quite often since that’s human nature). Try it. You’ll be amazed (I was also really sad) at learning how often we need to strongly manage these harmful thought forms. But here’s the thing; you CAN manage them. This private declaration of “I refuse to torture myself” is one of the most effective tools I’ve found for pressing the eject button on said thoughts. They often just go byeeeeeee. This is quite empowering in that it shows us we absolutely have the innate ability to watch our thoughts come and go. We don’t have to live as slaves to our minds. I so wish this was taught in schools to young children. Why do we have to wait for adulthood to even have a shot at discovering this stuff?? How different would our lives be if we learned this from preschool age? It honestly terrifies me to think of a life in which I never encountered these concepts and meditation, and I thank god every day that I somehow found this treasure chest of knowledge and wisdom. We are creatures of a higher order, energy and light encased in bodies. The more I remember this the better I feel, and the better my whole life becomes. The choice to not take part in self torture, judgement, or fearful doubt immediately kicks my higher self into high gear. I know I’m meant to live in that state of peace, space, and grace. It’s an unclogging, an unlearning, a clearing out to rediscover that natural spaciousness again and again. It’s literally ripping out very strong, old weeds.
Perhaps some of the following may help you. It’s important to share that I usually say this in a playful manner. For me, when I can engage with my mind in a more relaxed way, that alone loosens the grip on whatever suffering is arising. It’s kind of like a “nope, no thanks I’m good” mood.

I refuse to torture myself.
I choose to care for myself in this moment of fear, uncertainty, shakiness, clinging, anger (insert your favorite one here) by staying grounded with loud breaths.
I will not take part in these mental stories.
Nope, not going there. Don’t have to. I know I’m being held and guided. I know that all is working out for my greatest and highest good.
I know Source has beautiful things tailor made for me so I don’t have to bow down to worry.
No thanks, I’m just going to breathe into what actually is, instead of inventing the future or resurrecting the past.
No matter what tricks my mind is unleashing, the wisest, truest part of me knows everything is just as it should be. No surplus, no lack.

We always have a choice. You are a sacred kingdom of One. Rule well and wisely.