Tuning In

Let’s talk about attunement. It’s the quality of being in tune with something. Whether we are talking about an instrument or a simple conversation, if an element present is out of tune then the whole situation will tank. Components must be completely in tune in order for things to flow properly. To be even slightly off is to miss the mark. I once had a tuning fork energy session that I loved. It was a no contact appointment which left me fully tweaked, tuned up, and awake. The therapist had a series of tuning forks that she used (played?) to move my energy and frequencies. It was pretty wild that she was able to dial me in all sorts of ways without any touching. I love energy work, and this tuning fork session was incredibly effective and impactful. Energy isn’t tangible; no wonder the forks were able to tune mine from across the room. I felt all the tweaks and adjustments no matter how tiny the fork motions were, which proved how powerful tuning is. Tuning matters, it’s a huge deal.

“Being attuned” is a phrase I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. It’s a crucial awareness in all of life’s interactions, and it’s coming up often in my CPE chaplaincy curriculum. It’s extremely painful when certain people I’m interacting with aren’t attuned to my experience, which has made me realize more and more how I’m not attuned to others either. As much as I try, I miss (or bypass) certain cues for what must be a variety of reasons. There are so many causes for why one would turn away from the reality of another, therefore falling out of attunement. As the gap widens between you and me in such a case, the divide and disconnect grows bigger/sadder/lonelier/more uncomfortable/irritating. I have yet to meet someone who is perfectly in tune with everything and everyone all the time. It’s impossible, but it’s essential that we really try. If we don’t, it’s a covert way of communicating, “your reality doesn’t matter”. We are each our own human instrument for playing our role in the world, and it’s our responsibility to constantly tune ourselves. No one can do this for us.
In observing a certain dynamic in my life, it came crashing down on me recently that this other individual has been extremely out of tune with me in so many ways, for a really long time. I just did not see it as clearly as I suddenly did. It was like the veil was lifted and then all these frustrating and disconnected instances revealed themselves. Holy shit, how on earth did I not see this before?? I knew this situation brought me much aggravation, frustration, and heartbreak but the specific language of attunement never occurred to me. Then I realized that I didn’t see his lack of attunement because I wasn’t attuned to my needs either. Like, at all. His not being tuned in to me was a direct reflection of my own turning away from myself. I actually started to laugh; it was suddenly so clear and obvious. I was not only out of attunement with myself, but with the entire reality of the overall scenario since I didn’t want to admit the truth of the circumstances. Letting go of this situation was too painful, so I turned a subconscious blind eye to the facts, as well as to my emotional truth. This is one of the byproducts of having always been fed crumbs; you just don’t see it because you don’t know any different. This all brought up so many feels: sadness, anger, shame, gratitude for the new clarity and visibility, disgust, disappointment, defiance, and a large helping of grief in being so unaware of my needs. Like, how long had I been operating like this??? Forever, really, until now. I wasn’t having these feelings towards the other person (just a little). It was like looking in a clear lake in which all was being reflected back to me. I have gratitude for this situation and this person because I majorly needed to see all of this in order to live the life I say I want. This painful message happened to come in the form of this genuinely terrific human who I’m deeply fond of. Words are meaningless without actions, and vice versa, so I can’t say I want my life and love life to be a certain way if I don’t choose new actions to get there. The universe will send us the same message over and over until we receive it. This is an act of cosmic love, to lead us to higher planes of existence.

I continue to have numerous conversations with myself, the self I wasn’t attuned to. My higher, vast self can now seek out the smaller, wounded part of me that’s still hurt and healing. In zen we are taught about Big Mind, Parental Mind, Joyful Mind, and Small Mind. Learning about these different facets of the mind has been transformative in terms of self communication (this also spills into how I communicate with others). I have been speaking to my Small Mind in loving, reassuring, unconditionally caring ways that will, over time, re wire her. I have apologized to myself for missing all these signals and red flags, with great understanding and compassion. I know why it happened. Only with this compassion turned inward have I started to feel a space clearing. It’s the compassion that I’ve been waiting for my whole life that I’m just now, through Buddhist practice, beginning to explore and receive. Genuine, honest kindness and attunement to one’s needs is medicinal on the deepest level. We all need to know we matter, not just to others but primarily to ourselves. It’s impossible for others to learn what we need if we don’t know it first. Only by sharply and accurately tuning ourselves can we engage with life in a deeply honest, connective, and fulfilling way. The good news? We are designed to make these adjustments, reflect on what we’ve missed, and choose differently. New tunes and harmonies are always available.

This Passover holiday I’m going to take the time to sit with all of this. What I’ve learned, what I’ve realized, and how I can get very clear on what I want for my life. I’ll be on a beach, sitting on the naked sand and breathing to the rhythm of the ocean. Nature is clear on what it needs to do, it’s always in order. To rediscover nature’s inherent clarity and apply it to my life; this intention alone feels healing. Intention is nothing without application and integration. When those elements are aligned, this is harmony.