I know we talk a lot here about editing our lives, shedding, letting go etc. This is a perpetual process that peels back complicated layers of all kinds of accumulation, revealing our true essence. I work on this constantly in various forms and paces. Lately, I have hit a wellspring of newfound gentlenesses towards myself in doing so, a self directed tenderness to all the layers that acted out of fear, anger, frustration, and so forth. There’s also a tenderness towards my uncovered self, a patient and loving grace as I usher myself through mental and emotional floods. This is a new thing for me to experience. It’s a cosmic lesson in what it means to receive care, something so many of us are sadly unfamiliar with.
While editing is a crucial part of living an unclogged life, physically/emotionally/mentally/spiritually, I realized recently that sometimes the edit sometimes comes in the form of letting go of, well, letting go. If the instinct is to cut, perhaps, depending on the circumstances, that too requires a fresh approach. I’ll explain. I was looking back at some old food blog posts, thinking about how some of the older photos and recipes are just not good enough. Like, what was I thinking posting that?? I have no doubt I’d feel that way if I go back and read early Inspire posts, and I have numerous posts on my Instagram feed that make me cringe. Same with my first DJ mixes on SoundCloud. My immediate reaction is to erase them, cut them, get rid of anything that’s not good enough. Both my DJ mentor and manager, Esquire and Tzvia respectively, disagree. They both said the same thing, that it shows the evolution of the process. I understand this but I fully admit to being uncomfortable with anything subpar representing me. I work my ass off on blog content and I obviously want that reflected. Today though, as I searched up my own recipe for energy bites, I responded differently to the pictures I now think of as not good enough. I felt in agreement with the theory of seeing it all as a learning and growing process, which it completely is. It was indeed growth in the moment to respond with a “who cares” than react with a “delete!”. So in essence, I calmly let go of the need to furiously let go of something else. It was definitely a moment of liberation to lean into the fact that my whole Lady Blaga journey (and life) has absolutely been this astonishingly huge and profound learning process. I am amazed by what has unfolded personally and professionally in the past five years, and to erase evidence of that is ridiculous. Instead of wanting to cut out mistakes, I reframed it as, wow, look how far I’ve come. I actually think it’s so important to not take myself too seriously (which I don’t IRL), and to own being a student of life (which I do IRL). Therefore my trips, falls, and rising back up’s are not just welcomed but celebrated. Isn’t that what I’m doing on this platform anyway? It’s interesting to note that as I continue to do inner spiritual work and feel more intact, I create more space for all that which I deemed undesirable: thoughts, feelings, unattractive food photos, and dumb feed captions. It’s like, so what, this is just all part of the bigger story that continues to be written. Each word matters. If the goal of spiritual practice is to not be attached, then to feel less attached to a story around what doesn’t belong feels freeing. I find that this approach helps a lot with shame, in that things I’ve done that I’m not proud of are now no longer places that hold judgment and upset, but rather points where I had to face plant in order to be taught.
I see this in so many spaces, including my yoga practice. I have tried for several years to learn certain positions that have not clicked thus far. It was a source of frustration and led me to feel my practice wasn’t advanced enough. This is all deluded thinking; an asshole can do ten kinds of handstands while someone who just sits cross legged can make that a beautiful practice. Or vice versa. Point being, neither extreme matters because the actual practice is to create more space, peace, resilience, wisdom, love, and ease within. Spiritual growth is not defined by an arm balance. Asana is a beautiful tool but, like anything, it gets misused with attachments. So I can’t yet do crow, who cares? After spending so much time and money on private lessons I ultimately just organically reached a place where it no longer mattered, and THAT was where the growth came in in this particular scenario. I actually enjoy my regular practice much more now since I released the self imposed pressure to want my practice to be something other than it is. That’s the secret sauce, when we can not need things to be different. I believe in determination, perseverance, and honoring myself by pushing through. That’s a huge reason why I am where I am today. Creating a well lived life takes intention and commitment. However, along with that must come equal parts softness, patience, flexibility vs rigidity, and lots of love for the bumpy human ride.
Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says that letting go can look like letting it be. Letting go can often be unavailable, but letting it be feels like a gentler, more attainable choice. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Sometimes the answer is to let it be, no matter what your “it” is in the moment. This creates an opening, not a pushing away of what we don’t want. No aversion, nothing to get rid of, just a knowing of what the present moment happens to contain. This is not unhealthy spiritual bypassing where one acts like everything is fine and amazing. It’s the opposite; this approach allows for us to calmly acknowledge what might not feel good while not fleeing. We stay because we can, and we can because we are internally vast. I have learned that my often lightening fast impulse to decide/axe/delete/block is a survival mechanism. While closing the gates and locking them has absolutely sometimes served me well in terms of self protection, I now know that I am so much stronger and can handle more. Choice, agency, and discernment always, but I’m at a place where I can pause and ask what’s actually required in the moment, instead of having old habit energy decide for me. Walking away from unhealthy situations is always necessary, at least in my experience, but I’m now asking myself, “ok, what’s really going on in this moment? Let’s look at the reality first before choosing a course of action”. This is the difference between reacting and responding. A toxic and unkind person? Bye. A crappy picture? Yeah, you can stay.
To stay is the point of meditation. Nothing to run from because when my roots are strong, whatever wind comes at me won’t knock me over. Despite the discomfort, I have the capacity to remain, and this is how I find the comfort in the discomfort. While the roots of an old, strong tree stay buried deep in nourishing, dense soil, many changes are taking place above ground. The roots don’t bother with what’s happening above. They stay, connected to the immense power source of Mother Earth, and allow for everything else to come and go on its own.
