Truth Bomb

On any journey it’s essential to have our tribe of teachers, supporters, truth pointer outers, and general assemblage of peeps who can objectively help us note our growth.  I am feeling more and more into accepting how to celebrate my own ever changing track record. In order for me to ground into what is, I often do a rewind of past turning points and crucial moments. The past always leads us to now, just as now is the first class lounge before boarding the plane to the next moment’s destination. While the present is the only true and actual reality, the past does have its place. Yes it’s gone but it was also the soil from which current trees grew. For many of us, myself included, accepting praise is sadly uncomfortable. It’s even more foreign when the celebration wants to emerge from myself. It’s no great mystery when someone has a hard time receiving positive feedback. If you can relate to this, please begin to gently explore what is blocking you from receiving. It’s one of the most important self inquiries we can ever get curious about, because it order to live a beautiful life we must be open to, and able to, receive. The gifts from the Universe cannot reach us if there are deep blockages that may stem from a core belief that we don’t deserve such generosity. To receive we must believe that what’s coming to us is truly meant for us, that we deserve all the love and abundance life has to offer. Additionally, when someone aims to celebrate us and we deflect/distract/or turn away from them, we are cutting off relationship. We aren’t listening to them or showing that their offering towards us is worthy of being absorbed and felt. It’s like someone offering a gift and the recipient instinctively throwing it back at them. Rude, right? Words are gifts as well and it’s important to learn the skill of gracefully receiving. Life is a constant dance of giving and receiving.
   The other day I was with my DJ mentor of 6 years, DJ Esquire. He and I were hanging out with two other DJ’s, one of whom was another of my very first teachers. I was explaining that prior to DJing I didn’t even own a laptop and had negative computer skills. I had no social media at all, could barely send an email, and never touched any equipment that wasn’t kitchen related. The story I told myself was that technology is foreign, complicated, and scary. Don’t press the wrong button or I’ll erase or ruin everything. At that time in my life it was a combination of a lack of interest and a visceral intimidation of what I couldn’t understand (and therefore couldn’t control). I was also telling them about the recent gigs I have had and what is coming up for me on the horizon. It was a cool moment when I was aware that my teachers were now colleagues; just a few DJ’s talking shop. Still though, I didn’t fully take it in until Esquire said, “the fact that she is standing here right now is remarkable”. It hit me that he’s completely correct. His words were like a clear bell that were ringing true because he’s absolutely right; it is indeed remarkable for any of this to be happening. Esquire is incredibly supportive and knows just how to speak to me, but he’s not gushy or one to hand out extraneous compliments. He would never speak inauthentically or superfluously. I had no doubt that he meant what he said. It was a wake up call that I needed to take a beat and process my trajectory, determination, progress, growth, courage, manifestation, and accomplishments. A beat was also needed to process that I agreed with him, and how wonderful it felt in my body to have his words hit just right. What a turning point, what a relief to not have to go through the outdated bullshit steps of self deprecation. All that stuff is exhausting because it’s such a blockage to self esteem, and blocks take up so much energy: to build and maintain them. This is energy that, once freed, can be used for more loving, healthier things. So my progress wasn’t just in regards to DJing, but a greater indication that my relationship to myself has come so far. How I speak to myself, work with my thoughts and feelings, the choices I make; it’s all continually becoming cleaner, wiser, and kinder. And damn right the DJ piece is huge! I NEVER thought I’d have a life that includes any of this, which means the seeds I was planting without realizing it came from pure courage, blind faith, dreaming the seemingly impossible, and grit. I was married at 20 and was a full time orthodox Jewish housewife and mother for most of my adult life. The only new experiences I had were perhaps trying different recipes. While I loved those roles, the sameness and predictability was difficult for me. There was no possibility on the horizon and my whole life felt predetermined and mapped out, not entirely by me.
 I was grateful to Esquire for articulating his appreciation for how far I’ve come. It was a real moment of pride and celebration. It was a truth bomb that keeps going off, and it was a profoundly sweet moment. It’s also a celebration that I want to post this instead of resorting to shoving aside positive comments. Why not share this? How sad to only share stories of struggle and hard lessons.
I love this platform so I can offer windows into my personal experience, since I believe that we all learn from each other. What a joy to share the wonderful things alongside the painful and challenging things. Life is both, so to exclude anything from either myself or you would be a false, incomplete view. To see myself clearly I need to be willing and ready to welcome it all in, the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. Refusing an invitation to my own life would be tragic. I’m not doing that anymore.