Mining for Mine

In my yoga studio there is a blackboard in the entrance. Each month, a different theme and idea is written about on the board. I love reading these teachings. Even though I might see the same one repeatedly, I always pause after class to read it again. It's a word in Sanskrit followed by the definition, followed by an expansion of that definition. I usually take a picture of the board so I can revisit throughout the day. As I've mentioned in other posts, this month's theme is the concept of Vasana, patterns. We all carry around so many patterns that have been embedded in our thoughts and feelings for more years than we are aware, most since babyhood. When talking about unhealthy patters, it's actually really sad to think we were born into the world as these pure, blank canvases, that were colored in by the issues and bad habits of others. Parents, spouses, how we let certain "friends" treat us. All these relationships are the result of wiring that was laid down by others. In discussing the notion of toxic friendships with a few people I know, it was suggested that "oh well, I guess we all have at least one friend like that. "

Um, I don't. At least not anymore. I did have one, but recently slammed the door on that relationship and nailed it shut. It took ten years, and I was constantly drawn in,  despite the hurt and aggravation that came attached to the "friendship." Friends are the family we choose. There should be only love and enjoyment found in them. For a long time I believed I needed this person in my life. Guess what? I do not miss her one iota. It's all part of the editing.

The reason we put up with unhealthy relationships of any kind, is because our patterns allow us to continue to do so. If you existed in a pattern of criticism from a chief figure in your life, you become accustomed to criticism and may not even recognize it. Or if you do recognize it, you just expect the familiarity of it. As a wise person once told me, "shit is warm". It's gross but warm and familiar;  💩(finally, a legit use of this poop emoji). Or if a central person or people in your life was kind to you only conditionally,  your patterns are to be so overjoyed at receiving little crumbs of affection, that you shelve the hurt. You just see the good, even if there's an overwhelming amount of bad. If you have lived with criticism and have never really been believed in, then one of the patterns established in you will be tremendous self doubt. Self doubt is a major force. It leads to fear. "I can't do it, I'll never be able" aren't so much resignations as they are expressions of fear. Fear caused by not believing in ourselves because no one else did. "I'm doubting myself because so and so in my life doubted me, and they must be right. So I can't do it. " 

Truthfully, I was able to fully grasp this two days ago. Self awareness and introspection never stops, which is the daunting, yet amazing, part about it. The more we mine, the more we dig, the more we unearth, the better we become. We realize we are our own best natural resource. My mantra yesterday was one of my best yet, "rise above, remain above." There were several things I needed to direct that towards, but I loved how the words formed in my head and matched my breath. All my successful mantras have a cadence. I choose the amount of words based on the rise and fall of my breathing. Sometimes the right word combination doesn't reveal itself, and I just say "inhale" and "exhale". I am not up to the place where I can empty my mind, so these mantras help the current of thoughts gently flow in the right direction. Without themI'll go off course and think about errands, old conversations, future conversations, bullshit on Instagram. Messy details that weigh me down.

There are so many things to rise above, our thought patterns chief among them. Here's the good news; you are built to be able to overcome old patterns and reverse them. It's not hippie dippy nonsense, it's the truth. It is hard work but it's possible. You are more powerful than your habits. But you need to believe that. There is a constant struggle with old, bad habits. It's an addiction.  The temptation to lapse back into unhealthy patterns feels like a vortex. Again, shit is warm. We justify sinking back into the quicksand of our minds, but really kick ourselves. Because there's an alternative. You don't have to be a prisoner to your patterns. It may take years to disentangle, but it is life altering. I feel so sad watching people I love who don't feel they are worthy of new, healthy Vasana. I wish them better, but that's something that can only come from within. There is great power in knowing we can change our own lives. Betsy, my yoga teacher, said something the other day that rattled me in its simplicity and wisdom. We were in shoulder stance, and she told us to concentrate on the third eye. "Bring everything inward. All things return to the center".  This resonated so strongly with me, as I'm just getting really accustomed to meeting my center. It was life affirming. Keep digging, keep discovering. We are buried in a lifetime of emotional sediment that must be jack hammered to reveal what's underneath. Trust me, your core is worth it. You are all you need. Go get yourself. As for me, personally, since I've just learned that the source of my self doubt is in fact fear, what I'm working on is courage. Giving myself credit for what courage I do have, reminding myself I'm stronger than I realize, and not being afraid. I will reverse my vasana. Whoever told me I couldn't do it was very, very wrong. New patterns, People. You are worth it.