When Small Talk Shrinks You

 I was talking to one of my BFFs the other day, about how many people we know talk to each other. Before I extended my life to other areas and groups of people, I’d have changed “many” to “most”. When I was used to one communication style, I literally had no idea that humans could speak to each other in truly beautiful, sweet, honest, and genuine ways. As in, not asking how you are in order to dig for information. Or to compare your choices to their choices, so that they can plunge into a strange monologue explaining why they chose this camp, that school, or that vacation destination. You know, that bizarre speech people give to validate their decisions, when you didn’t ask for any such info. For example, “WE chose THIS school because blah blah blah”... shoot me I don’t care get me away from you immediately. Then my friend and I dug up this classic small talk move, the “how ARE you?” that translates into “I just need to make sure you’re sadder than me.” I said this and my friend was dying of laughter, because the truth of so much of this bombastic bullshit is so mean, uncaring, and selfish. Another favorite of ours is, “Are you ok? You don’t seem like yourself”. What the hell does that even mean??? Do we have to be one way all the time to fit the mold of how another person views us? It’s so frustrating. I happen to do both the extrovert and introvert thing really well. I have noticed many people can’t handle it when I’m in an introverted space, which happens quite often. I need to be left alone a lot. I have found that a lot of people take this personally. That became very hard for me; when I wanted to be more within but then had to force small talk so as not to invite some annoying AF interrogation. Yes I’m ok I just feel like being quiet, dammit!! And so I stopped going places when I was in such a space. It took me years to make sense of what was going on with me in this way. I began my Dark Night of the Soul (look it up, trust me) around 8 years ago. I had no idea what that was or what it meant at the time. Only in hindsight did I come upon the explanation for what I was going through. I am still learning, through various spiritual teachers, how to make sense of my shift. All I knew was that my entire inner landscape was cracking open. It felt like a nervous breakdown. Things I used to enjoy, like small talk at a party, became excruciating. I checked out of Shabbat meals, social gatherings, and the like. I couldn’t handle it. My daughter was once horrified when I hid in a closet when friends dropped by unannounced. I could not handle seeing them. And because others’ view of “myself” was in fact different, explaining that felt worse than sticking a fork in my eye. I couldn’t even explain it to me. But why do people seem to need to see us so one dimensionally? We all know that we are full of feelings, thoughts, and mood changes. Can’t I act differently yet still be myself?

The sad part of being asked these questions in a small talk setting is that 99% of the time they are coming from a catty, nosy place. They aren’t coming from a place of genuine concern. So the vibe of these types of exchanges feels like an unsettling tactic. I haven’t taken part in that dance in years, and I don’t miss it at all. If I can’t be all versions of myself around you then, simply put, no thank you. I have learned that the ones who can’t handle our shifts, twists, and turns are the ones who can’t tolerate their own. It can feel invasive and obnoxious to be on the receiving end of that kind of questioning and chatter, but it’s not personal. It’s usually coming from a place of the interrogator not being able to hold space for themselves in a healthy way. If so, you can forget about them holding space for you. I have learned how to skillfully answer stuff like this by making steady eye contact and offering a simple, “I’m well thank you”. I don’t even intend to ask how they’re doing, so as to avoid going down the road of aforementioned bizarre speech. This is part of me learning boundaries, which is new. It’s all an important part of the curriculum. As Ram Dass says, “it’s all just part of the curriculum”( look him up, trust me). How I harness my energy, where I direct my attention, how to be mindful in each moment and use that to avoid self betrayal, even in seemingly harmless social settings. If I’m going out, it’s to have a good time. Making sure of that is my job, regardless of the Whack a Mole yentas who are popping up one by one to “just see how I’m doing”. In yoga we use bandahs, locks, at different anatomical points, to lock in the energy we create through breath and attention. Every situation in life can serve as practice for that. Seeing that from a more light hearted “curriculum” kind of way has helped me relax more into specific settings. Getting annoyed is yet another expenditure of precious energy. We don’t have to take on someone else’s narrative. And we can drop our own at any time too. It’s all a matter of what we choose to carry around or unpack. Yes, I will avoid small talk that intends to shrink me. I find it torturous. But no one can shrink me unless I let them. Locking down that realization has been quite expanding. It’s a reminder of my own power and sovereignty, a quarantine theme for me that was a much needed lesson at this exact point in time.