(Self) Love in the Time of Cholera

Swap Corona for Cholera and you’ve got a deal. Now swap this movie title (from a film I never actually saw) for the cheesy Ashley Judd movie called Double Jeopardy and you’ve really got a deal.

I was discussing Double Jeopardy with a friend tonight, in terms of how I’m managing myself during these incredibly uncertain, heavy, scary times. Last week I thought everyone who was freaking out about covid was overreacting. How life has changed in a few short days, for the entire world. Today, I’m on total lockdown with my family. My daughter has been quarantined for three weeks and is going crazy. My sons always dreamed about having no school, and are now verbalizing missing it terribly. My oldest had to clear out her college dorm room. I’m well aware we are amongst the fortunate. My chief concerns are occupying my kids, making sure our home is stocked, remaining calm, and staving off boredom. People all over the world lost their incomes overnight. Children who eat their one meal a day in public school don’t have access to food. Single parents can’t afford the luxury of being at home with their kids because they have to choose between their health and working to put food on the table. The entire planet is in dire straights, with no seeming end in sight. Humans don’t like the unknown in the best of times, and now the population is really reaching unprecedented levels of unsure hysteria. There is clearly a giant cosmic lesson in learning to cope with the unknown. In finding stillness amongst the emotional upheaval. In violently unplugging all the ways we rape the earth of its resources. In hitting the reset button in our treatment of the environment. In learning how to unite and treat each other better, to see every single human as having the same needs and vulnerabilities as we do. Our circumstances and details vary, but underneath all that interchangeable stuff are deep commonalities. Health, safety, food, fresh air, income, friendship, education, connection, and interaction are universal needs. It’s amazing how quarantine and social distancing reinforce connection and community. I find myself thinking of people that never much crossed my mind before; the Amazon delivery guy, the Instacart order gatherer, the teachers holding class together virtually, the manager of my supermarket who is so overwhelmed because demand is far greater than supply, to name a few. My exercise instructors and DJ friends who cannot work and have no source of income whatsoever.  I’m thinking so much about this wonderful woman I visit with at the nursing home; I miss her as well as the freedom to show up there at all. I miss leaving my home. I miss my friends. The sheer liberty of getting in a car to go anywhere right now is something I hope I don’t take for granted ever again but most likely will. The other day I googled local homeless shelters. I called one and asked them what they needed. They were so appreciative and told me they need food. It took me two weeks of frantically stocking up my own home to consider the needs of those less fortunate. Even the google search melted the hard armor of protection I unconsciously put around my heart. The instinct to shut down and close up out of fear is so strong. Only after I opened did I observe how much I’d closed off. I needed the act of giving to take a jackhammer to my “hunt and gather” means of fake safety. I placed a huge Instacart order of canned goods and non perishables, put on gloves and a mask, and drove to this shelter in Washington Heights. I wasn’t afraid of the virus; I was more afraid of being an asshole by only thinking of myself and my family. If I let this virus pass, and it shall, without teaching my kids true lessons in giving then I’m a failure as a parent. This isn’t self righteousness; it’s fact. All the lessons I have learned in opening up my heart and fighting to keep it open, are ultimately not worth much if I don’t pass them onto my kids. Driving home from the shelter was the most joyous 20 minutes I’ve had in 3 weeks. I felt certain of the purpose of being a member of humankind. Giving feeds us, always. Even if at first we resist out of fear. Why? Because we are spiritually designed for it. It is what we are, and no amount of logic or constricting can make us outrun our true nature. To give is to come home, plain and simple. And to feel settled at home is a beautiful feeling. There truly is no place like home.
   

Going back to the movie reference. In the movie Ashley Judd’s sleazy husband frames her for murder, which lands her in jail. While in prison she works out like a nut, sharpening her body, strength, and determination. She is laser focused on the goal to free herself, catch her husband, and reunite with her young son. While in lockup she learns new skills, builds friendships with other inmates, and pushes herself towards her future. I realize this is an idealized version of jail but hey, it’s a movie. The point is, her world was ripped out from under her. Her new reality sucked but she rebounded and kept her sanity with discipline, dreams, and determination. I have been thinking of this movie during my own lockdown. I feel blessed that I can always hurl myself into my music. I happen to have a ton of very necessary DJ work to do so I spend several hours a day with my equipment. This gives my day structure and uplifts me because I am bringing my future DJ visions into my present. I am determined to block out the fear, agitation, and distractions and focus on building up my own skill set. One day life will resume and I will be ready. I am not wasting this time by watching the news and whining. I decided right away that would not serve me. When I find my mind veering off course, I just keep bringing it back like a restless puppy. Goals, dreams, visions. That’s how I am spending these few weeks. I fight the frustration of being stuck by mentally moving. Yes, I’m feeling trapped, stale, and  out of sorts. Cautious,adrift,and unsure. All the feels that are everywhere right now. But I’m putting those in a drawer to sharpen myself in all ways. I refuse to squander this time that I didn’t want but was given. I know what I need to do and I’m going to do it. I have numerous projects in the pipeline that I’m ferociously developing. I owe this to myself; to be ready for whatever is to come, however that winds up looking like. One of the lessons here is how precious time is. How we spend it is entirely up to us, regardless of circumstances.
  Some parting meta: May all Beings everywhere be safe, well, healthy, and peaceful. May all Beings be free from fear. May all Beings love themselves enough to just Be in stillness and silence, and to find the comfort underneath the discomfort.

We don’t know when, but this story too has an ending. They all do. We can get through this. See you on the other side of fear.