Great Expectations

Wow. Ok... So as y'all know, I was so excited to take yet another cherished solo jaunt to Israel. I don't go away that often, so when I do, I expect these vacations to fuel me for a long while. We all do, right? That's the point: a break from our everyday life. A reminder of the excitement and newness of life. A reminder that we are so much more than our mundane schedules and routines. A reminder that we are creatures with open minds, hearts, and eyes, who have a desire to explore new things (whether we know it or not). A reminder that we simply know how to have fun.
 Since this trip was centered around a certain event, a bar mitzvah, it was not spontaneous. I bought my ticket months in advance and made all sorts of plans. I knew there'd be many periods where I'd just wing it, and walk around alone (which I love to do), but the meat of the trip was definitely comprised of plans, assumptions, and expectations. We have all heard a million times how we should never have expectations. While there is great value in that philosophy, it's simply not possible all the time. For instance, if you planned a special day with your fam for Mother's Day, you damn well expect a special day on Mother's Day. If you planned to lose weight by going on a crazy strict diet, of course you expect to lose a few pounds eating all that air. You get the drift; while too many expectations fill our minds with imaginary realities (since we are expecting the future which hasn't yet occurred), thereby taking up precious mental real estate, we are indeed human. And humans want a lot of shit. We want it so much that we will it to happen with hopes, plans, and expectations. We use calendars to organize and control. To expect is to be human. I will not blame myself for thinking that carefully executed plans made meticulously in advance with a friend wouldn't have panned out. I had every reason to believe things were going to unfold the way they were supposed to. But, as is often the case, they did not. Capital D, capital N: Did Not.

As I've alluded to on the instastories, that week in Israel was complex. Good parts, bad parts, and necessary parts. That's not how you want to describe a hard earned vacation. You want a one word answer; Great! Awesome! Rejuvenating! Pick a happy word, there are tons to choose from. Those are the words people ideally employ to sum up a vacation. I'm not one of those people who gets away with one word answers in general. People "expect" way more from me. I take it as a compliment that they really do want to hear my musings about random topics, however sometimes I wish I can give a succinct, concise response, not make eye contact, and call it a day. Someone recently told me,

"You're too engaging for your own good".

This is a challenge as a writer. I very much want to share, yet out of respect for my own privacy, I need to restrain myself a bit. That's why the blog has been a good lesson for me; engage, share, open up, but maintain sacred space for myself and my family. Crucial, necessary life lesson.             This is the thing about expectations; they often don't happen. Which is majorly important since we learn to reroute. There are literally two ways to react when things don't go "our" way; sit home, cry, and freak out. OR, adjust, move on, and make the best of it. I recently heard to not view these scenarios as anxiety provoking, rather see them as challenges we can indeed overcome. I also loved the Prince EA Instagram video about how life's hiccups are not boulders but stepping stones. Follow him by the way. These concepts took up permanent residence in my confused head last week. They saw me through a potentially disastrous week. No way was I going to let my precious  vacation be hijacked by unforeseen circumstances. I've been through way worse, I could handle this. Handle it I did. Not without sadness, not without some loneliness, not without frustration and disbelief, but I handled the F out of this trip. It was either work around this new set of facts I was given, or get railroaded by them. I think we all know I'm not the "get railroaded" type...     

Here are some examples. I expected to spend a lot of time in this beautiful apartment I was all jazzed up about renting. Instead, I was barely there, and therefore spent hours walking around exploring new parts of Tel Aviv. I navigated random streets and neighborhoods on foot. I learned where the good markets and shops were. Foreign country, by myself, 👊🏻👏🏻. I had expected to be occupied on Saturday.  Instead, I was not, and so I entered a synagogue I stumbled upon in my neighborhood. I went in on Friday night to say hello, promising to be back the next day. I returned with nuts and raisins for the community meal following services. I prayed, always a comfort to me. I met the locals, and ate lunch with them (there's this one older gentleman who cooks for the congregation each week. David. He was so excited to have a new customer). I felt so welcome. I loved the varied appearances in that synagogue. For example, there was a young man with long, curly payot wearing a huge, white yalkmuka. With an earring. All the synagogues I've ever known would be up in arms if a man attended services in a big earring. Dress, background, none of that matters in Israel. The focus is simply not about nonsense like that. It's very refreshing. I had expected to get together with a certain friend one night. Instead, I got my hair blown then watched the sunset with the hairdresser and his friend. The sunset in Israel is a valued, wonderful event. I almost missed it...

I expected to cook everyday in my apartment. Instead I found cheap, local places to eat delicious food that I hadn't previously tried. I expected to hang out with one group of people the majority of the time. Instead, I met other groups of people and we went to some super cool clubs and bars. If you go to TLV, go to Jimmy Who and Radio. If you're in Jaffa, hit up Akbar. New, new, new. I expected to be looked after. Instead, I looked after myself. It was a whole new level of resilience that was revealed to me. I expected to not want to come home. Instead, I couldn't wait. It's very healthy to want to return home. I felt so clear on my immediate goals for my life now. I smiled on the plane, feeling so grateful that I know what I want to do with my life. What a gift. Too many people never really uncover that in time. I had always expected to be one of them... My head was cleared of certain thoughts that had taken up most of my thoughts and energy for months. That is no longer, and so I'm clear to fill that space with things that deserve to be there. Ideas, dreams, and visions that are worthy of the front row in my mind. Out with the old, in with the You. While we can't always get what we want, we might just find that we get what we need. We are all just Rolling Stones. I expect today will be a good one for all of us. You are more adaptable than you realize. You should really start to realize it.

Love , Lady Blaga ❌❤️❌❤️