listen to lupe fiasco- out of my head

When Colors Pair & Pop

I love when colors unexpectedly pair well, and I extra love this combo of Royal blue and neon orange. I call these my traffic cone shoes, and they are a statement unto themselves. A strong, sleek color duo is a quick way to give a look zing, substance, and personality. This silk jumpsuit with the delicate nude shoulder detail
gets a fun accessory in the shoe alone. It’s minimalistic dressing with a bold twist. The jumpsuit and low pumps are conservative in their shape and silhouette, but become extra in their colors. This concept is a great way for more conservative dressers to express themselves; take a classic shape and make it fun with a bold color or pattern. This look works so well transitionally as we move from Summer to Fall. The vibrancy and lighter textures of summer with a full piece jumpsuit and a closed toe shoe.

Fire Poppers

Yummmmmmm! These are my son’s absolute favorite chicken nuggets. We always bought them from a local restaurant, and I felt like taking a crack at homemade. Fire poppers are crispy chicken nuggets fried then coated and baked in a sweet, hot sauce. This doesn’t take long at all and is a terrific weeknight dinner or game day Nosh. This recipe makes about 2 dozen poppers. 

Ingredients: 
A pack of white meat chicken tenders, nuggets, or white meat chicken skewers, simply slide the nuggets off the skewers. 
4 beaten eggs 
2 cups all purpose flour 
Pack of plain panko bread crumbs, or 3 cups 
2 tsp salt, 1 tsp pepper 
2 tsp each paprika, garlic powder, onion powder (you can always sprinkle in and adjust seasonings to taste, which is what I do. I guesstimated the measurements) 
1/2 cup each honey, white sugar, packed dark brown sugar 
1/3 cup Frank’s Red Hot sauce or your favorite hot cayenne pepper sauce 
Canola or vegetable oil 

To make: 
Turn on oven to 350. 
Prepare a large frying pan with a generous amount of oil, about an inch up the pan. Turn on heat to medium to heat up the oil. It needs to be very hot for frying to achieve the golden brown crispy coating. 
Prepare the beaten eggs in one bowl, the flour in another, and the crumbs in another. Season the crumbs with the salt, pepper, paprika, onion powder, or garlic powder. Mix well. 
Dip each chicken nugget in flour then gently shake off the excess. Then dip well in the egg followed by the crumbs, turning over to coat thoroughly. Using two spoons (I like one slotted) fry the coated nuggets in batches until crispy and golden brown all over. Place in an aluminum pan. When you are done frying mix the honey, sugars, and hot sauce in a medium bowl. Pour the sauce mixture over the nuggets, using a spatula to gently yet throughly coat. Cover tightly with foil and bake for 15 minutes. Enjoy! 

Best Summer Yet

I love these words by Abraham Hicks, spiritual teachers I’ve been following for several years; “mining the moment”. This phrase helps me both understand and explain why summer 2022 has been my richest, most amazing summer yet. I had this very conversation with a friend today, so I’m feeling inspired to share in Inspire.

It’s true that this summer was full of big, important experiences for me. It was also the first summer since covid that has felt normal, and this alone is huge for obvious reasons. However, it’s easy to put a “great” stamp on summer by removing masks or taking a fabulous trip. Those things are a big deal but so what? Actually FEELING into the joys of summer on a moment to moment basis is very different than doing cool things. Doing and being yield very different results, an idea I first learned when I took up yoga, and that took me time to understand. I have come to learn that what makes things feel truly wonderful, rich, gratifying, satisfying, expansive, and momentous is directly tied to how I am honestly relating to each moment. Think about the term “momentous occasion”; it describes the enormity of a situation using the seemingly small measuring stick of a moment, which is often used synonymously with a minute. This is a tremendous teaching about the vastness that can be found in the smallest of moments. We so often think things need to be huge, epic, exciting etc in order to make an impact. This is very tied into the American culture of “more, bigger”, and it breeds the disease of never being satisfied since there’s always more, larger things to chase and acquire. This conditioning implies that situations are only worthy of being memorable if they are massive in some way, usually in such a way that makes us feel a version happy or important. We tend to equate the success of a moment to how pleasurable it makes us feel. Statistically, America is particularly known for obsessively hunting happiness and pleasure (which is not the same as deep joy). We are taught to be averse towards anything that we don’t enjoy, be it people, places, experiences, food, movies, anything tied to sense experience. Sickness, aging, and death, what we are often most averse to, are so natural and inevitable but we don’t like them so we run from them. I am admittedly very averse to aging, a topic I explore in my zen practice with my teacher. Of course, the alternative to aging is death and I’m averse to that too, though it’s most certainly going to happen at some point. Contemplating death is seen in the West as depressing and macabre, superstitious even in certain (Jewish) spaces. I used to feel this way, even literally biting my tongue to ward it off, an old shtetl superstition. I always marvel at how intelligent, educated people find false safety in the craziest superstitions. There’s something I find cute and endearing about it in a very Fiddler on the Roof way. Since entering into Buddhism where death is openly talked about with reverence and acceptance, I have come to feel that death, aging, and sickness contemplation has genuinely made life much more joyful and meaningful. We exist in a dualistic world where opposites are abound and intertwined. Simply put, death is the best reminder of life and what it means to be actually and fully alive. This is not lofty bullshit. Death, the greatest inevitability, is begging us to not squander our lives. Since life is comprised of moments, then a wasted life is made of wasted moments. It is that clear. Easy, no. Clear, yes. No excuse in the book, and making excuses is an excellent time waster, can lessen this truth. I find that when I mine the most innocuous moments for gold (not pleasurable gold, just gold) then that’s when life in real time feels the fullest. And gold is the truth. It’s facing the honesty in each moment instead of running from it, ignoring it, or trying to change it into a more acceptable version of reality. This takes tremendous mindfulness and practice. It’s a commitment to appreciate what’s here now. I strongly recommend reading Be Here Now by Ram Dass, one of the West’s most influential Buddhist spiritual teachers. This book changed millions of lives, and Ram Dass has been a hugely important part of my own path. I have no idea where I’d be without his teachings and wisdom. When I was introduced to him by my first yoga teacher, it was the first time I had felt I’d come up for air. There’s a scene in a documentary on him in which he’s at the Western Wall in Jerusalem (Ram Dass was Richard Alpert, a Jew from Boston who was a Harvard professor) and a hassidic Jew tells him how Be Here Now completely changed his life. It’s so important to be open to what other faiths and paths can teach us. I find that the people most grounded in their religions are the ones with the most opened minds. Pushing away other ideas simply because it’s from another religion speaks to a shaky relationship with faith; if we are strong and safe in what we believe then another ideology won’t imbalance us. True faith is spacious and open, like God.

So why was my summer the best yet? I had incredible DJing gigs that took me to the Hamptons for a fashion line, to one of the hottest clubs in New York (Stefan from SNL!), and to Coney Island for a 5,000 person Jewish comedy festival (the Chosen Comedy Festival), in addition to my residency at Empire Rooftop. I went on a weeklong silent retreat with my zen Buddhist community, where I was thrown into a new service role by playing an instrument that’s integral to Japanese Soto Zen. At first I was terrified, which is exactly why my teacher assigned me to do it; we must face our fears and work through them to mine for what’s underneath. Mining, always digging. We get to know life by getting to know our most uncomfortable layers. To avoid and hide sucks up a lot of precious energy, as well as leading to living half a life since half of life is super uncomfortable. I took my kids on the trip of a lifetime to the South of France (see last week’s post). I enjoyed my friends. I worked on creative writing projects with my writing partner. I went to incredible concerts and comedy shows. I loved and appreciated all these things, but even this isn’t fully why. What truly made my summer magical was noticing, pausing, and receiving what was alive in each moment, whether it was huge in the form of DJing or simpler in noticing how the light hit the trees, how the water felt on my skin, how the breeze moved, how my koi heard me coming to feed them, how my food sounded as I cooked it, how my daughters were home. I enjoyed sitting in my backyard and enjoying feeling held by the nature that’s always been here, that I didn’t have the capacity to previously appreciate. Even noticing and allowing for moments of melancholy, rage, overwhelm, fear, and human loneliness contributed to the rich landscape of summer 2022, since I realized I have created inner space and tolerance for uncomfortable truths and I also know they, like summer itself, are transient. I gained clarity and acceptance over certain emotional situations, thereby inviting in more layers of letting go. When we let in we let go, when we let go we let in. Life is a constant cycle of gain and release. The soul gains a body at birth, knowing this body will one day be released. Life is always recreating this dynamic in various forms and manifestations. It’s no accident that the mining of the gold in the small moments is exactly what creates the bigger moments (I don’t mean big and small in regards to importance). As my zen teacher says, “just practice and the rest will come”. Being aware of my breath, and being aware when I’m not being aware, is the baseline. Awareness and mindfulness begins with the most natural and first thing we do: breathing. We cannot live without it physically, nor can we live well and fully if we don’t pay deep attention to it. Learning how to be with my breath has taught me how to be with life, no matter what it contains.

It feels so good to say I had an amazing summer and really mean it. I used to panic when summer ended but that stopped several years ago when I learned how to be with life all year round. We cannot be with Life unless we learn how to be with ourselves, namely the dark parts we have such a hard time facing. Mining for gems in the depths of darkness and danger teaches us how to mine in each moment, and to appreciate the gold that’s always around us and inside us. Sadness and sunsets coexist. Life is many things at once. Only we can determine how we relate to it.

As I better to learn how to hold myself and to hold life, I am able to receive how life is always holding me and loving me, too. It’s this knowing and feeling that has come to define my bejeweled moments.

Takeout Flatbread 2 Ways

This hack is a reliable family favorite of ours. It’s a great way to turn extra restaurant takeout flatbread into a meal. If you’re anything like me and order food for 8 when it’s just you, the restaurant will likely send you extra bread. My boys love the fresh, round flatbread from our local Greek restaurant. I freeze them and take them out as needed to make pizza for one son and Syrian lachmajin (seasoned ground beef simmered in a sweet tomato sauce atop bread or pastry) for my older, meat loving son. Lachmajin is typically served in mini size alongside a variety of other traditional appetizers, called mezze. I’m a Jew of Ashkenaz descent and I love Syrian and Sephardic foods of all kinds. An authentic Syrian cook might weep at my version of lachmajin, but I based it off of actual recipes I’ve used in the past and my son likes it. This is an easy recipe that you can whip up start to finish in about 30 minutes, making it a great last minute dinner or after school snack.

Hack 1: Pizza

You don’t need me for this one. Simply top each flatbread with the sauce, cheeses, and toppings of your choice and bake on 375 until desired doneness. Kids will be thrilled with homemade pizza, especially if they can assemble it themselves.

Hack 2: Lachmajin

Ingredients for 3, each about 10 inches round:
3 flatbreads
1 lb ground beef
A cup tomato sauce
2 generous tbsp apricot jam
1 generous tbsp tomato paste
1 egg lightly beaten
1 tsp salt, scant 1/2 tsp ground pepper
1 1/4 tsp of Ras el Hanout spice (a spice blend common in Sephardic cooking) or similar spice mixture.

Put the oven to 375. Spray a baking sheet or large pan and set aside. Heat a medium pot with a couple tbsp of oil and brown the ground beef. Drain most of the fat. Add all the ingredients EXCEPT the egg. Mix to combine and bring to an active simmer, simmering for about 10 to 12 minutes until the mixture thickens. Stir every couple of minutes, adjust jam and seasonings to taste if necessary. Brush each flatbread with some beaten egg wash while the meat simmers, leaving a 1/2 to 1 inch border. When the meat has thickened enough, turn off heat and let cool for a couple minutes. Generously spoon some meat mixture onto each flatbread, using the back of the spoon to gently press down to distribute, leaving that same inch ish border for holding. Bake in middle oven rack for about 20 minutes until the edges are golden brown and the meat topping is kinda set. Let it settle for a few minutes before slicing into large wedges to serve, either with a pizza cutter or very sharp knife. Can serve with chummus.

Feeding Each Other

This sweet dress from Love Shack Fancy was one of my summer chillax go to’s. Light, short, and so breezy it’s barely there. Plaid is a nice break from ubiquitous summer florals, and the smocked off the shoulder detail made for a super cute day look. I picked up this fun hat at Anthropologie a few years ago, and my necklace from Free People has been an almost daily staple this summer. It’s one of those easy necklaces that has layers all in one. It’s made of neutral tones so it goes with pretty much everything. This look is summer personified: a little sundress, straw hat, and an easy accessory.
The most beautiful things in these photos are my magnificent koi fish. I’m fortunate to have a beautiful pond in my yard with dozens of gorgeous koi. Feeding them has become one of my favorite daily tasks. I started feeding them myself this summer (as opposed to asking another member of the household to do it) because I was not spending enough time on the part of the property. This really bothered me because I knew I was depriving myself of this particular connection to nature. Once I “officially” took on the task to feed the fish my whole mood, and relationship to my property, changed and developed. It not only felt good to take responsibility for nourishing and attending to my own fish (as it does when we do the same for ourselves), but I relished in walking down to this beautiful area and giving myself daily time to sit amongst nature. Feeling my feet kiss the earth, listening to the fish instinctively rise to the surface as they heard my footsteps, watching the feeding frenzy, checking on my nearby vegetable garden, and breathing in summer with all its sensory experiences truly enhanced my relationship to myself, this amazing season, the fish, my land, and to the present moment. It’s a big source of aggravation when I’m disappointed in myself for not fully utilizing my surroundings. I don’t like letting myself down by not taking advantage of what the present has to offer, so it ate at me that I wasn’t in proper relationship to this particular gift of nature in my own backyard. It’s crazy what is right under our noses that gets overlooked or under appreciated. So much passes us by until we decide to genuinely pay attention. It’s a radical choice to stop, look, listen, and breathe.

I fed the fish but the fish fed me, as did the moist grass, the crickets, my garden, the light hitting the trees and plants in soft stripes, the breeze on my skin, the deep appreciation for the instant medicine of nature, and the connection to all of humankind throughout time who have drawn from these very same beautiful pleasures.

1 Adult, 4 Kids

This post is about what it’s like to take a family trip as a single parent. I’m not offering tips and ideas, rather it’s about my emotional experience.

I’ve taken many trips with my kids in the 5 plus years I’ve been divorced, and I feel like I’m just starting to really get the hang of it. Like everything, this is a huge learning. I have taken my family on trips that have low key sucked while others have been great; same for married travel and single travel. Point being, travel is like any other area of life in which sometimes things will be awesome while other times they’ll be disappointing. To pretend like every single vacation is amazing and seamless reads as overcompensating to me. It’s like the whole Instagram vs Reality swipe throughs. Those posts are so popular because people are thirsty for little glimpses of relatable imperfections. No one gets it right all the time, regardless of how much planning, money, and effort was poured into a vacation. Learning how to forgive ourselves is a crucial part of travel planning, especially if we are the only adult. We are trying.

When I get in my head about how I’m the only grownup I’m seized with panic. This could last a second or minutes, but that flash of overwhelm is all consuming. If I’m in a foreign country it’s even scarier. The responsibility can overtake me, and I know I’m not alone. My divorced friends all feel this way. I will occasionally have moments of sadness and loneliness, however brief, when I feel outnumbered and alone in my adulthood. I imagine how nice it would be to have a comrade to help with logistics and planning, help with keeping an eye on everyone, to hold hands with, exchange laughs and knowing glances with throughout the day, shlep stuff, and sit with on the plane. As well as crawl into bed with at the end of the evening to talk and laugh about the day’s events, and go over the plan for tomorrow. I pour my heart, mind, body, and soul into family vacations and memory making. It would be lovely to have someone take care of me throughout the process. I’m not worried, I know it’s happening; so far these feelings and imaginings are part of my single adult process. I used to get hit with these longings harder and more frequently, and they still pop up because they have their true place in my emotional landscape. I absolutely want those things with the right person, and feeling this way doesn’t detract from the complete joy I have in traveling with my children. The more settled I am in single hood, the more I have gotten to know myself and cultivate a true sense of wonder and adventure. This is why my trips have gotten better and better. The more I grow, strengthen, learn, open, and expand, the greater my capacity is to lead my kids to far off lands where we can adventure and explore together. Our vacations have gotten more fun, more spontaneous, and more interesting. We are learning and opening together, and I find tremendous joy and satisfaction in this. I often write a lot how I prefer AirBnb’s to hotels. This is mostly true. In an apartment we feel like we are living in a new place, and I have always had the ability to create a home anywhere. I love grocery shopping, cooking, and setting up shop wherever we are. To be able to create a homey, nourishing environment for my family wherever we are infuses wholesomeness and familiarity among the unfamiliar. It’s grounding to cook them breakfast, have a fridge to come home to, and hang out together in a common area. I recently described to a friend who was also away with her kids the same week as I, of the joyful simplicity I felt from hanging our laundry on a drying rack. I love that my children see mommy rolling with the punches no matter what, and how they directly witness my wholehearted joy and determination in making sure we are all cared for. Without the handholding of the many benefits of a hotel, I have to work much harder to create a successful and efficient trip, and this is exactly why it’s ultimately so satisfying and heart filling. We reap what we sew. As much as I would like to be held at the end of an exhausting and full day, I am indeed held by the pride and happiness in a job well done, warts and all. The days we come home sweaty, dirty, tired, and happy are the best days. I get so much nachas (Yiddish for pride) in watching my kids delight in an activity I planned, how much fun they have together, and how we work as a team. Of course this isn’t always the case; we don’t always function as a well oiled unit, fighting and complaining happens, I can feel alienated and unappreciated if I’m criticized in any way (habit energy I work with), and not all parts to the itinerary are a home run. Again, that’s just life no matter the backdrop. To claim otherwise is bullshit. It’s also more practical to realistically and objectively view foibles, missteps, and uncomfortable moments so we can process them, learn from them, and make tweaks. As my zen teacher says, sometimes we make big adjustments and other times small. It’s all about meeting each moment with intimacy and intuiting what’s required. Being able to be flexible and adjustable in general is so important, especially on a trip, even more so when you are the Adjustor in Charge. Since we travel with our emotional baggage at all times, tensions will arise (imagine if we had to pay overweight for emotional baggage! Most of us would be broke). Travel provides an excellent opportunity to practice patience, leadership, restraint, and discernment in where to direct our energy as parents. Yes, this is parenthood all the time, but things are heightened when surroundings are simply unfamiliar and we aren’t amidst the comforts of home and routine. On this recent trip to the south of France, it was so great to watch my 16 year old son instinctively handle the luggage without my having to ask, my oldest daughter take charge of meal planning and restaurant geography, my other daughter take pictures, and my 12 year old (who chose Europe as our destination) offer to help me get groceries and keep me company when I needed a breather during a tense incident. In this way I did feel taken care of, a reminder that care comes in many different forms and that I’m always being held by dharmic love. As my kids need to trust me while we are away, I need to trust them in return, and returning to my unwavering trust in the dharma was a constant touchstone that soothed my own inner child that, too, craves guidance. We all need help.

I have no doubt that my 5 years of mostly single hood has given the 5 of us the great gift of re establishing and rebuilding a new foundation, as our family has undergone reconfiguration via divorce. My time, attention, energy, and love has been directed and invested towards myself and to them. We needed this time to reground , plant new roots, and learn how to nourish these roots so we can grow together. The more I have come into my own and have invited in healing (and working consistently on it), the richer and more exciting these family times become. I’m so proud that Mommy’s trips have come to be known as unique, interesting, adventurous, and fun. I’m hungry for all of us to gather as many experiences as we can.

This recent trip was full of revelations and breakthroughs for me personally, as I watched my offspring enjoy themselves across the globe from where we wake up most mornings. It hit me how strong and capable I am. This was the first time I had taken the four of them away out of the country, and the stress of not losing 5 passports was enough to fill me with dread and overwhelm. My itinerary kicked ass, and I planned it all on Air Bnb experiences. I seamlessly subtracted and added activities as needs changed. Our apartment host was great and lived in the building with his family, he was very helpful and communicative. On our first morning I had a stove question and I couldn’t reach him immediately, so I googled my inquiry in regards to the particular appliance manufacturer and voila, we had scrambled eggs. We learned a basic sense of where we were the first day, and I felt pride in watching my kids acclimate and want to learn, when they paired off to get gelato across the street, or when they all walked together to meet me at the beach (I’d gone early to ensure we got chairs). I was even proud that I relaxed and allowed them to lock up and walk the 12 minutes to meet me, since my general philosophy is that I walk last so I can watch them all at all times. There was a sense of overall ease that only comes after right effort has been made. When any system is fed and fortified, only then can a loosening occur. I find in all areas that fear, gripping, and constriction come when infrastructure is lacking. We can only relax when there is some form of trust, and this trip showed me new ways in which I can trust myself to lead and guide. I felt like such a badass, though very human with all the nuts and bolts. Once I realized what I was pulling off, a light was instantly shown on certain areas and themes in my life that have been problematic, and how I have been participating in allowing said difficulties to continue in both gross and subtle ways. It hit me what I will no longer tolerate, entertain, or put up with. Essentially it was an epiphany; if I’m aware of my strengths, how can I act in ways that bring me down and are so not in accordance with my inner wisdom and highest good? A light was shed on certain personal and interpersonal dynamics, namely in the way of freedom. I realized how I was feeling trapped and stuck in several dynamics, thereby forgetting I have the power to choose. For most of my life I did not have the power to choose, and so choice as a concept, ability, and right is still new. I’m learning, and this trip was a fierce teacher. We can know things on different levels for years until one day something deeply clicks, in which case a shift happens and space is created. I came home from this trip so empowered. One of the great delusions in life is that we aren’t free. Liberation isn’t something to attain, it’s already one of the key soul ingredients we are born with. It’s something to dust off, uncover, and polish. One of the gifts of this vacation was the clarity it brought me in the way of my own liberation. Never in my wildest imaginings would I have thought my life would look the way it does now, or that I’d be able to see the world with my babies in such a fulfilling, delicious way. I hope my children can travel wherever they want whenever they want, since I believe we were placed on earth to see it as best we can. However, if they never make it back to the south of France then I know they experienced it in a fantastic way, together with their mother.

When I write “1 adult, 4 kids” I feel like a warrior; embodied, strong, capable, alive, healthy, resilient, excited and expansive. What a blessing to be able to see the world and see myself in fresh ways, and to have my children right alongside me in the process. I want them to witness and know the best versions of me, and to have that maternal love, exuberance, and fortification afford them ease and safety in their own lives, wherever life may take them.

Listen to The Clash - Train in Vain (Stand by Me)

Happy Zen Anniversary

In a few days I leave for a weeklong silent retreat with the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care. This will mark 3 years exactly that I came to this practice, since it was then that I blindly signed up for my first Sesshin retreat. Sesshin means “to touch the heart mind”, and it’s a period of intense practice that includes hours of daily meditation, dharma talks, chanting, bowing, and noble silence. I’m very excited to return to this loving, nourishing container with my teachers and sangha/community, and to immerse myself in the magic and discipline of this particular lineage (note the seeming paradox). Several attempts at a Sesshin were made during dips in covid, but every time we got close a new variant rose back up to remind us that human plans are merely a tiny part of the picture. Adapting to whatever conditions arise is a key part of the practice, in keeping with the core teachings of impermanence, managing our preferences, and cultivating equanimity in the face of the constant flux of life. There is a place in each of us that does not crumble in the face of challenge and change.

I honestly cannot believe how my life has unfolded in the three years since I was delivered to Japanese Soto Zen Buddhism. I had been looking for a general silent retreat, having dipped my pinky toe into meditation and yoga. I had no idea what I signed up for, but the dates worked with my kids’ schedule and the teachers looked nice online. That was literally it. I did no research, which is typical for me since I am often driven by instinct and impulse. Sometimes this works out the way I want, sometimes it doesn’t, but there are learnings regardless. Most of my greatest learnings and periods have growth have been when I was most certainly not in favor of the circumstances; challenge drives change. And trust me, these retreat periods are very challenging, especially walking in sight unseen as I did. I recall sailing in there in a stupid fedora, making my grand entrance, and being handed a schedule in Japanese that began promptly at 6 am. As in, wake up at 5:30 so one can take their meditation seat by 5:58. We only spoke 10 minutes a day in scheduled meetings with the teachers, called dokusan. Dokusan is a private opportunity to consult with a teacher about the/your practice. It’s wild how much insight and guidance comes from a few minutes of fully focused presence, deep attention, and warm curiosity. I loved how all 85 of us moved in sync; we walked, took our food, sat, and rose in unison to live out the idea of One Body. It was beautifully touching and I’d never heard anything like it before. One of the symbols of Zen is the Enzo, which is a circular brushstroke. It’s a common zen image and it means that every single facet of the universe and humankind is included in the One. We don’t get to choose who/what belongs, and we certainly don’t get to leave ourselves out. No separation is a core tenet. Our sangha holds these gatherings in an old monastery that is a Buddhist retreat center in the New York area. Not having air conditioning, locks on the doors, or my own bathroom had to be included as well:). Religious discipline, ritual, and service schedules are second nature to me because of my Jewish life, so I took to all that easily. I definitely felt like a babe in the woods but in a wide eyed, exploratory way. I just decided to follow everyone else and jump right in. When there are no distractions and we are alone with our mind and emotions, then that becomes the practice. Working with thoughts and feelings, studying the nature of mental and emotional states, understanding the natural functions of the body mind and their impermanence, all while returning over and over again to the breath as a steady anchor for all else that arises and disappears. To commit to this requires patience, steadfastness, rigor, determination, faith, loving attention, humility, and the decision to deeply explore what it means to be a human being in a human body. What’s this life and incarnation really about? What’s our purpose? This approach to reality continues to shed light on those age old, existential inquiries. It was the first time I began to peel back mental and emotional layers, revealing the true essence of what is housed inside this very temporary body. I was so blown away by the instructions by the teachers to fully explore Me, so that I can realize it’s not even me at all. The Me in each of us gets in the way. It blocks connection since the job of the Me is to cling to its own fixed ideas. It’s a constant locking horns with the numberless Me’s in the world. These carefully constructed identities and ideas of self are just that; ideas. It’s what lies beneath that’s the magic the world needs from each of us. It takes lifetimes to unlearn all the dense layers of stories, habits, trauma, and conditioning. This is what’s meant by liberation, freeing ourselves from these layers and concepts that usually keep us stuck in half lived lives. It’s like there’s a voice whispering, “there’s so much more”. I can say with certainty that finding this practice and my teachers has enriched and opened my life in ways I never thought possible. In the past three years my relationships have improved, my creativity continues to unlock, my career has expanded, and I experience life in an entirely new way every single day. A whole new way that actually feels whole. We don’t practice to gain anything, but once the internal landscape starts to crack and shift, external things start to move as well. Openings lead to more openings, which invites in endless fresh possibilities and opportunities to relate to life differently. I still feel like a newborn doe in this practice, even though I ,too, now wear the long black robes and know the words to the seemingly impossible Heart Sutra that we chant daily. What was so foreign three years ago is now a regular part of my life. I couldn’t describe how I felt at the end of Sesshin in 2019, but I knew that I didn’t want to leave. I wanted more of whatever had just taken place. I knew it was special and that it deeply resonated. It had become my spiritual path, along with my Judaism. I work with both in a way that never feels conflicting or contradictory. It’s not uncommon for me to be in synagogue on Saturday and at zen service on Sunday. I’m proud to show my kids what it means to be a seeker who is willing to learn for the sake of deepening my life. Through this practice I have learned how to care for myself, and things only grow when cared for. Hashem makes no mistakes and everything is dharma; same concept in two different religious/spiritual ways of life. I find that Judaism often lacks emphasis on true nourishment and dignity for the individual, and I understand that our survival as a people has been based on rigid ideas of community. We have had to function as a self protective unit. I have watched relationships of all kinds suffer greatly because we haven’t been taught how to really relate to one another, and it pains me when any religion is misused and misinterpreted, which causes great interpersonal harm. Buddhism has made me a better Jew, and Judaism has been a wonderful foundation for Buddhist practice. I love and use them both. My teacher is Jewish, and it’s no accident I landed in his particular gin joint. These 3 years have been expansive beyond my wildest dreams, and I feel more alive, more curious, and more grateful than I have since I was a small child. It has been a medicinal time that has both brought me back, propelled me forth, and has dropped me into the present. What a gift and a blessing. As I re-enter yet another Sesshin container in which I get to be with myself, struggle, breathe, fall, and get back up, I am awash with awe for the twists and turns life offers us if we seek it. We must ask and show up for Spirit so Spirit can show up for us. We must want to get out of our own way. Prayer of any kind helps with this. Listen to your voice that’s always whispering, “there’s so much more”. It has a unique message that’s yours to discover. Silence affords us the chance to really hear.

Love,
Jessica
Zehava (Hebrew for gold)
Kosen (Japanese for Spacious River)

Summer Salad Bowl

My favorite thing about this lunch or dinner bowl is that each component has multiple uses. I have served this all combined but I decided to make use of the colors and textures by giving them each some space:). Roasted tomatoes have so many delicious uses; make extra to keep on hand in the fridge for pasta, bruschetta, atop polenta, or as a fresh sauce for grilled chicken, fish, or any kind of burger. These tomatoes are from my garden, which makes me happy. The sautéed corn is great on its own as a fresh summer side. I was eating it out of the pan. Faro and arugula are staples in our kitchen, and I quickly toasted some slivered almonds to add some crunch. Add your favorite grilled protein, tofu, or even a poached egg on top of this beautiful, healthy, bowl. I love taking advantage of what each season has to offer, and summer is especially wonderful in what it gives us to work with. Who doesn’t love receiving a beautifully put together bowl of colorful, fresh, seasonal ingredients?

You’ll need:
A package of faro cooked to directions. Save extra for other uses, you’ll need 1/3 cup per person in each bowl.
3 cups loose corn kernels
3 cups cherry tomatoes
5 large cloves garlic sliced lengthwise
A packed cup of arugula or baby spinach leaves per bowl
Good quality olive oil
Fresh lemons to squeeze
Salt, pepper
1 to 2 tsp optional chili pepper oil if you wish to sauté your corn in it for a lil kick
A cup of slivered almonds, toasted on med low in a dry skillet

Oven to 400 to bake or roast setting. Place the tomatoes in a pan with the halved garlic. Drizzle generously with olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper and toss to combine. Cook about 45 minutes until very tender and they’ve begun to brown, I like mine pretty well done. Cook the faro while the tomatoes are in the oven. Heat a large pan with 2 tbsp olive oil and the tsp of chili oil if desired. Sauté the corn for about 7 minutes until they are cooked and flavorful but still have a bit of a bite. We don’t want soft, mushy corn. Sprinkle a bit of salt and pepper on the corn during the last couple minutes of cooking.
When each component is ready and slightly cooled, dress your greens of choice with a light drizzle of olive oil and fresh lemon. You can certainly use a light vinaigrette but I suggest keeping it simple since their are enough beautiful, fresh flavors present. Arrange the greens in each bowl and create sections of faro, corn, and tomatoes. Top with some toasted almonds in the middle.

Back to Nature

I wait all year for summer gardening. I love being barefoot in the dirt, checking on my plants, and savoring the delight I feel when something is ready to be picked. Cooking with what I grow is the icing on the cake.
I continue to move towards a natural, lighter color palette during hotter seasons. This year’s heat wave has me in wispy, gauzy fabrics and colors as much as possible. My ivory headband keeps my hair cute and off my face, and my neutral beaded necklace from Free People has been my go to summer accessory. There’s nothing like a sweet little cream top to embody summer. It’s like the lemonade of clothing in what it evokes for me.
I like the heat, and this year has been extreme. All the more reason to wear as little as possible, let my skin breathe, and find cooling in the damp soil and shade in my yard. Daily walks down to my pond to feed my koi fish are a summer highlight. I love to take time to dip my feet in the water and watch the fish glide around. That first covid summer is what reminded me to be present and aware in my surroundings directly in front of me. I had to be reintroduced to the very nature that is literally at my feet. Connecting to nature helps me ground in connection to myself. There is so much beauty to found everywhere; inside, outside, and all around.

listen to Donell jones- u know what's up

listen to JANET JACKSON - r&b junkie

Heat Wave

Damn, is this an extreme heat wave!!! Summer decided to go full force this year. She sure is in a MOOD.
So the bikini here is Love Shack Fancy and the glasses are Chloe. The float is from Target. Now that we got that out of the way, this post really isn’t about that. It’s more about how I’ve never done a blog shoot like this before. I’ve posted on Instagram maybe 3 bathing suit shots from vacations over the past 5 years, but I never felt comfortable making it official. There were various reasons for that; mom reasons, community reasons, to name a few. It hit me like 5 minutes ago that I’m over that, which was genuinely liberating. Style, as we know, is only somewhat about clothes. Someone wearing a fabulous outfit will not carry it off if they aren’t owning it from within, just like someone wearing basic jeans and a t shirt will look amazing if they exude confidence. I’m sure we all know people in either direction. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to post pictures like this; everyone has a different comfort level. It’s just that I reached a place where it simply didn’t feel forbidden to me anymore and I wanted to embrace that. You know what’s hot? Releasing constrains and judgements that come from both myself and others. Cooling that shit down is one of my themes this summer. To all things a season.

Peachy Keen

Welcome to one of NYC’s best new restaurants, Peachy Keen. I love everything about this place: it’s bright 70’s decor, classic American menu with a sexy twist, their fabulous cocktails and mock tails, and live DJ events. Oh, and they regularly host Drag Brunch Sunday (they had me at Hanukah Lewinsky, check her out). Though I caught the tail end of the 70’s having been born in 1978, I deeply love that decade: the fashion, music, pop culture, and overall mood. The 70’s were a very special time in American history and culture, and this new hot spot will really take you back. The food is delicious and the atmosphere is a blast. I’m all about trying new, cool places and this unique establishment was a major jolt of fun. Who doesn’t love a good trip down memory lane? I’m thinking this will definitely be my next ladies night destination. Cuz this is ladies night and the feeling’s right, this is ladies night, oh what a night!

Listen to Ciara -Goodies

Jungle Boogie

I love this look. Dare I say I’m channeling Shakira? Neutral and black is always such a good combo; it’s a balance of sharpness and calm. This look makes a sexy summer statement with 3 essential pieces; long, gauzy skirt paired with a crop tank and the right necklace. This outfit easily goes from day to night and is perfect for dinner on vacation. The skirt is so versatile and is a great beach piece because of its fabric and high slits. No blowouts needed; natural, wild hair is kinda a must. That’s the theme here: wild and natural. That’s what summer is about, and I love that it’s a season that reminds me to embrace those qualities. Bring on the heat whenever wherever.

The “What If” Monster

I have a pretty loud What If monster. I’m guessing I’m not alone. Every single time I’m faced with a new (or old) something, my monster immediately swoops in and lays out a long list of possible worst case scenarios. I’m talking some serious doom filled fabrications. This can be anything from a new relationship, an important meal I’m preparing, a new DJ gig, an Uber ride late at night, my kids in an Uber ride late at night, etc. Literally any picture will be painted in 50 shades of dread and fear by my veteran What If monster. I used to think we were the same being, and therefore believed those fears were coming from the deepest parts myself. Through study of Buddhist psychology I have learned that’s not the case at all. My monster, along with the other many parts and committee members that float around my psyche, are parts of the human brain that have developed and taken hold in order to protect me from possible danger. One of the ways it does this is by preparing me for the worst. If I see doom coming I can at least know what lies ahead. I can plan my line of defense, I can strategize. I don’t fight with this monster anymore since through spiritual practice I have learned to not only not identify with it, but to understand how to communicate with it with gentleness, curiosity, and gratitude for how much it’s trying to protect me. But as much as I may have learned how to talk to my monster, I admit to getting dragged into its cries of fearful warning. There is still a part of me that tumbles down the rabbit hole of worry, and I mean very, very often. I recently heard a teacher say that they’d realized that they’d spent at least half their life in a perpetual state of dread. That resounded with a thud. It made me so sad to think of how much time, energy, and physical and mental health has been sucked into the vortex of fear by the part of me that is completely fixated on the terrifying “what if?” I have been practicing a lot with this lately because I’m really sick of automatically conjuring up worst case scenarios. Yes, I know exactly why I do that psychologically in addition to this just being how the human mind works. There are numerous reasons and factors for this, and I gotta tell ya, I no longer want to be enslaved by old voices telling very old stories. I understand these voices are here to look out for me in the only way they know how. I also know that the brain is an organ of neuroplasticity that can be rewired with deep consistent thought training. With spiritual practice, the soul ultimately comes forth and begins to drive the bus, and so thought patterns start to get quieter and take a back seat. This is an oversimplification, the point of which is to relay that there is a deeper force behind the ruminating mind that acts as captain of our experience. Only through determination and patience in working with these forces can space be created between our neurotic habit energies and our truest nature of calm, peace, and freedom from believing in constant impending danger. I like the term “unconditioned freedom”, as in a feeling that exists underneath all our stuff, a feeling of innate peace that is not dependent on anything. It is a place of inherent joy and trust that no circumstance can mess with. I believe this lies within each human being, and was placed inside every single miracle of human life. We react so strongly to babies not just because they’re cute but because we subconsciously recognize the purest parts of ourselves in them. It’s a reminder that we, too, have that magic buried in there somewhere in our human mental attic.
There are a couple of tactics I’ve been using to quiet my What If monster. The first and perhaps more obvious one is, what if everything goes amazingly well? What if the best case scenarios are the true outcomes. Why talk myself into potential disaster? How we talk to ourselves really matters.
Second, I started asking myself, “if the universe has decided I’m ready for (insert new thing here) then who am I to argue?” This one has been really helpful because it reinforces trust in guidance. I always write about my trust in the universe; I cannot only say that half the time. And if I wholeheartedly believe that I’m being guided and held every moment, then that includes all my experiences and opportunities, especially the scary ones where I’m being forced to seriously level up and embrace challenge. Challenge drives change, and I have begun to see new terrifying scenarios as chances for major growth. Plus, any obsession about the future means I’m immediately out of the present moment; fixating on the past and future is another thing the brain loves to do, and it’s my responsibility and practice to return home to each Now moment. Thoughts and neurotic tendencies must be skillfully tamed in order to return ourselves to being grounded in moment to moment reality. It’s ok to feel scared and have nerves, but we must not lose ourselves in them.
I recently had a situation where the exact scary outcome that I’d been fixating on weeks prior to the actual event happened. I spent so much time being dragged around by my What If monster. She had me in a trance of fright. It was as if Universe said, ok, she’s so scared of XYZ so let’s roll it out and see what happens. And you know what? I was fine. I didn’t like what happened and it was extremely unpleasant, and yet I was perfectly safe and did not lose my center by doing a deep dive into doubt and shame. This was one of the lessons in that particular scenario: could I stay steady in the face of the thing I had been most afraid of? Perhaps that’s a far healthier question to ask. The truth is we cannot ever predict the future. The brain can conjure up all sorts of both favorable and unfavorable outcomes, but we won’t know until we arrive in real time. We simply do not know. Life is not paint by numbers.
Learning to work with my What If monster has been transformative. It will take lots of time, patience, and practice but I’m determined to not waste the rest of my life living in states of imagined terror. What a damn shame that’d be.

Smashed Potatoes & Herb Lemon Dip

I freaking love potatoes. This is one of the best recipes I ever pulled together using what I had on hand in my garden and pantry. These crispy yet tender potatoes taste like thick cut fries. I had to force myself out of the kitchen so I wouldn’t eat all of them. The dipping sauce makes an excellent marinade for grilled beef, chicken, or fish. Make extra to store in fridge for this purpose, it’s perfect for summer grilling.

Ingredients for potatoes:

2 lbs baby red or yellow potatoes
Olive oil
Salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic, powder, smoked paprika. After the salt and pepper the rest of the seasonings are optional. Totally cool to keep it simple with just the S&P.

Herb Lemon Dipping Sauce:
2 cups fresh mixed herbs of your choice. I used rosemary, parsley, basil, and oregano.
3 large cloves fresh garlic
1/2 cup olive or avocado oil
3 tbsp fresh lemon juice
3/4 salt, 1/2 tsp pepper

Heat oven to 450. Prepare a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper and set aside.
Place the potatoes in a large pot and cover with water. Cover, bring to a boil, and reduce heat to medium high. Boil for about 20 minutes until fork tender. Remove potatoes and place in a large bowl or deep aluminum pan. Drizzle generously with olive oil and sprinkle with salt, pepper, and the seasonings of your choice. Use a spatula to gently but thoroughly coat the potatoes. On a cutting board, using the flat bottom of a glass, carefully press down on each potato until 1/2 inch thick. Do this while the potatoes are still hot so they’re workable. Place on the baking sheet. I lightly sprayed mine with avocado oil spray. Bake in middle rack for 27 to 30 minutes until crispy and edges are golden brown. Move to top rack if you need it crispier (I did, every oven is different). We want a crisp outside with a tender inside.

Make sauce while baking. Mix all ingredients in a food processor until smooth. Adjust oil and seasonings to achieve a desired, smooth consistency that’s right for dipping or drizzling. Serve immediately and enjoy!

Lettuce Cup Summer Salad

This is a stupid name for this recipe, but I couldn’t think of anything more clever or succinct. Sometimes it simply is what it is, am I right?

These little lettuce cupped salads are simple, refreshing, and are a nice way to serve salad in a lil composed way. This is not a pass around finger food; it will be a disaster to eat while standing up. Another tip is to double up on the lettuce leaves for extra hold, and to assemble this right before serving to prevent the radish from bleeding color. This also keeps the lettuce from getting limp. I love a fresh lettuce wrap and my friends loved this at a recent brunch I hosted for a special birthday. It’s like a mini salad wrap.


Ingredients:
A head or two of Boston lettuce, leaves kept intact (use only the leaves that have somewhat of a cupped shape)
2 Persian cucumbers diced
3/4 cup radishes sliced in semi circles
A can of white beans drained
1/2 cup chopped dill or parsley

1/4 cup each olive oil and lemon juice
1/2 salt, 1/4 pepper
1 tbsp white wine vinegar
(This is my go to vinaigrette, use your favorite)

Combine all the salad ingredients. Mix the dressing by whisking and pour over the salad. Choose the lettuce leaves that have a cupped shape and spoon some salad into the middle, leaving room to fold over the sides. Have cute napkins on hand for worth it drips.