Jewish Matchmaking

Ok, so I haven’t yet watched this new series on Netflix yet. I have heard from both Jewish and non Jewish friends alike that it’s a good watch. I do like the host, Aleeza Ben Shalom, who is the religious Jewish matchmaker. I’ve seen clips on Instagram and I find her really likable with great, sincere energy. Plus, I think it’s great that an orthodox and observant woman has her own popular show on Netflix! However, she is known for a catchphrase that I think is one of the worst pieces of dating advice: “date em till you hate em”. Having been in the post divorce dating pool for 6 years now, I find this advice to be unhealthy, reckless, and counterintuitive. What I mean by the latter is that continuing to date someone you don’t like or don’t have good instincts about for whatever reason (the person could be perfectly lovely just not for you) is teaching you to override your own intuition. This is what I also mean by reckless. No one should ever advise anyone to overstep their own intuition. I don’t know about you but I am just now learning to honor and respect my own intuition. The last thing I need is for anyone to instruct me to abandon my gut instincts for the sake of a date with someone I low key dislike. Dating is a very vulnerable and raw endeavor, and honoring and honing our dating instincts is a muscle that must be continuously flexed. It’s a practice that slowly builds the most important dating skills: self trust and self respect. I don’t feel I’m respecting myself if I’m going on a date with someone I’m genuinely not interested in. There are many other things I could be doing with my precious time and energy, and my time and energy are extremely valuable and not to be wasted (I do enough of that by scrolling on my damn phone). Speaking of which, I have long reached the point in my life where I don’t agree with “it’s just a date”. No, it’s not. It’s me putting effort into getting dolled up, shlepping to meet someone that doesn’t necessarily excite me, leaving my kids for a few hours, not doing things that are important to me, etc. Point being, if I’m going to go out I need to feel baseline optimism and possibility about the other person. It’s not just a date; it’s my time, energy, effort, and resources. Singles, I encourage you to hold these as if you are holding a precious jewel. Follow your gut. Use discernment unapologetically. Practice this life skill and build up self trust. It’s an invaluable investment that no one can make stronger but you. You are worth good, cautious, loving judgment. 
Back to Aleeza’s advice. First of all, I’m not looking to hate anyone. Aren’t I going through the dating process to find love? Both I and the world certainly don’t need to find ways to add more hatred and separation into the mix. I’m not even in the market to dislike someone, let alone hate them. Why put either of us through that? It’s like when someone tells me beer and liquor are an acquired taste. I have never understood why I would put myself through that to drink something I simply don’t enjoy. If it doesn’t add value I don’t need to force myself. Another problem I have with this dating mantra is that it recklessly teaches low standards. Unless you hate someone and are totally grossed out by them, keep seeing them! Is that the new bar? Mild tolerance? If my lack of interest doesn’t yet translate to utter aversion, then I’ll see you at 8. No thanks. I agree that we have to sometimes give people more chances. Canceling the suitor too quickly can often be rash, rigid, a form of insecurity, unrealistic in expectations, or a form of control. It’s of course a case by case basis, and only you know why you do or don’t want to go out again. But what I have learned is that if I want to go out again there has to be something, however small, that’s piquing my genuine interest. When I first began dating I was happy to have any excuse to get my hair done, wear a pretty outfit, and feel like a lady. You can guess how those dates turned out by virtue of the fact that I’m writing this article. I’d come home disappointed and annoyed that I wasted a good blowout. I long ago graduated from that stage, and it was necessary in my learning curve. It took me years to treat myself and my time with the dignity and respect I deserve. I needed to practice good judgment, discernment, and intuition. It was a skill I’d never been modeled or taught. It was a tough and necessary part of my journey in being able to rewrite my story. 
I vividly recall what a mess I was when I entered dating post divorce. By that I mean I had zero emotional intelligence and romantic maturity. This is a very specific skill set that takes years of learning, research, and practice. I got married when I was 20 and simply did not have the relational awareness that healthy dating requires. I was in dire need of attention, had years of codependency to excavate (though I didn’t know it until years later), and was optimistic to a fault. My lens was clouded with raw need. Had someone told me to date until I hate, that would have actually been harmful. It’s putting both parties through a bizarre process that’s neither honest nor authentic. Or respectful. I’d be mortified if a man said about me, “I’m not interested in her but I don’t hate her yet so I’ll ask her out again”. Ewwwwwww, right? We must date with integrity which means considering the other person’s feelings too. Treating myself with integrity means I’ll treat the other as such. 
Dating is many things, like life: exciting, mysterious, disappointing, heartbreaking, confusing, fun, ridiculous, and exhausting at times. It takes stamina and resolve to keep putting ourselves out there. I believe we drain ourselves of our precious energetic resources when we walk into situations we don’t want to be in. Knowing how to purposefully recharge my own batteries by saying no, helps me have clarity and confidence to say yes when it feels right. 
Dear Daters, take the advice of others with a grain of salt, including mine. Heed what wisdom feels right to you and move away from the rest. You have the capacity to know yourself better than anyone, build that up by making one sound decision at a time. Gentle baby steps. Hold yourself. Learn how precious you are. Believe in your ability to navigate dating and life. It will be hard, sure, but not as hard as being in the wrong relationship out of the fear of being alone. I want a great love story. Not everyone does, and that’s ok. Some are content with companionship. We all operate differently which is why blanket advice usually doesn’t work. This is an exercise in following your own heart and refusing to settle for less than It’s deepest wish. God made you for great things. That, to me, is the essence of Jewish matchmaking as an ideal. 

**Aleeza, you are so fantastic and I can’t wait to watch you help people find love. What a gift to be able to contribute to the world in this way.