French Toast Feedback

So today on this Mother’s Day I felt ready to try something new with my kids. Over brunch at one of our favorite NYC spots, I did my usual thing in which we go around the table and say loving, appreciative things about the guest of honor. That has become a time honored family tradition that we all look forward to. This year I added a twist that took all of us, including me, by surprise. I asked each of my 4 kids to share with me something they’d like me to work on/improve upon as a mother. This was a risk and I admit to having felt a bit trepidatious. I had no idea what they’d say but it felt like a really important question. They were floored. After they absorbed my request for feedback over French toast, both my girls said they were very impressed. I explained that if motherhood is about caring for other beings (that pass through our bodies), then such feedback will help me do a better job at that. I was actually very proud of myself; this is an uncomfortable exercise. I asked that they share their critiques (which is different than criticism) in a kind and skillful way. It is Mother’s Day after all and I’m not a masochist. They were indeed careful and respectful which I really appreciated.
I learned to communicate this way from my zen teacher, Sensei Dr Kōshin Paley Ellison, at the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care. Zen Buddhism is about being in relationship. How we function in relationship to ourselves, to others, to each moment, to animals, to the earth, to actions, to thoughts, to feelings, to breathing. To literally everything. This directly impacts and determines the quality and purpose of our lives. There are various schools of Buddhism and I was dropped into this particular lineage, which is Soto Zen. It was clearly what I needed since the universe placed me there in 2019.
Motherhood isn’t about having children; it’s about being in relationship to our children. How we care for that relationship is everything. Mothers are human and we (I) will make tons of mistakes. I shudder when I think about certain ones I have made. It makes me sick. In zen we say fall down 7 times and get up 8. No shame just acknowledge, be accountable, and do better next time. Shame is a waste of time but healthy embarrassment is constructive. Our relationship with our kids is alive. It breathes, grows, and changes just like all parties in the relationship do. Through my learnings I have realized that in order to be in relationship in a healthy way that enables me to fully give proper care, I need to be attuned and tweak and adjust as I go along. This requires humility and a strong enough center to receive and act on feedback. I think it was the humility that partly had my kids stunned as we passed around the popovers. Parents are so often authoritarian because we have to be. We are in charge so there’s an automatic hierarchy of power. This is natural. It’s an important balance to maintain authority and also allow for our children to have their own reality and voice. Lord knows how feeling voiceless when I was a kid traumatized me. I’m only learning now (again, through my teacher’s specific approach to Buddhist psychology since he is also a psychoanalyst) how deeply and painfully that impacted me and followed me into adulthood. It affected everything and I’m still untangling. It’s a crucial part of any healing process to apply the learnings of our own needs to the needs of others. If I felt voiceless in my family of origin, then part of the healing is to give my kids a different experience. Again, I will mess up big time but if the willingness is there to admit to that and then sincerely reroute, then that alone is steering all our ships in a healthier direction.
It was clear that each of my children really appreciated my asking for how I could improve as a mother. I appreciated my boldness and sincerity as well. Honesty is not for the weak. It takes courage. And guess what? While they each gave me excellent critiques it wasn’t nearly as scary as what the frightened part of my brain (reptilian survival brain) predicted. It was all completely valid. They deserved to be heard and I deserved to know. I cannot tweak what I’m unaware of. They can’t be heard if they’re not invited to share. Honesty and healthy critique, which zen teaches, is a great kindness. It’s how we help each other do better. Silence and fear based codependent stifling is unkind to all parties. Without honesty we stay stuck in these stale, unhealthy lifelong relational dynamics. Good and loving feedback is a gift.
I feel good that on this Mother’s Day I was strong enough to genuinely ask this. It’s a first for me. I’d definitely have been too fragile to ask prior. It has taken me time to rebuild my center, and that center is the place from which all my relationships stem from. Growth is always available if we put in the time to care for ourselves. Mothers are the soil and our offspring grow directly from us and our own capacity to nourish them. Life only grows and flourishes from nutrient rich earth. To not nourish ourselves is harmful to both ourselves and others. I also felt so much pride in my kids’s responses and their appreciation and understanding of the assignment. Feeling heard is a gift. Honesty is a gift. What they each shared was extremely helpful.
As I received the adorable and heartfelt presents they each got me to celebrate me on Mother’s Day, I felt very much in relationship to these 4 beings in a healthy, loving, and open way. Intimacy was deepened, and that is always the goal. There’s no time for anything else. I want to add this tradition to our repertoire. It instinctively felt right and important. They deserve a mother who really wants to know. Motherhood isn’t about my ego; it’s a soul’s calling and the soul wants nothing other than to love, connect, and offer care.
May all mothers be brave and loving to the fullest extent. May we be strong enough to listen and give our kindest attention to what’s needed.