In Relationship

Ah, relationships. We are never not in them. I’m not referring to romantic ones, though naturally those are included as well. I used to think “relationship” did indeed point to romance in some way, likely as a result of our cultural lexicon. Since taking on Soto Zen Buddhist practice (in addition to my inherent and beloved Judaism) I have learned that “being in relationship” means how we relate to all things. Literally all things, not just beings that breathe, feel, walk etc. The particular lineage I was dropped into is the Japanese Mahayana school, whose chief focus is relational. How am I relating to myself? To you? To the Starbucks barista? To my pen? To my food? To my swollen ankle? To the weather? The list is literally endless, even more so in the sense that after we die we are still relating just in a different way outside of the physical body. Many people dear to me have died and I still talk to them, feel close to them, and feel their love in the atmosphere. The relationship remains though it has changed. Even if one believes that once people die then that’s it, there are still usually genetics passed on, memories that pop up, stories still told, perhaps a gravesite in a cemetery somewhere. Lives end but often a life is still felt and recalled in some way.

Humans are relationship machines. Our existence is full of them at all times, this is inescapable. Even a hermit that has sworn off everyone and everything still relates to himself, his cave, the minimal food he needs, the elements, and his body’s needs. How we are in relationship is what determines our quality of being in this life, and this begins with how we relate to ourselves. This primary relationship is often the benchmark to how we relate to things “outside” of us. Take food. I’m going to be eating it multiple times a day. My body cannot survive without it and the fact that I love food is a huge bonus. How I relate to my food will determine so many things; the quality and quantity of what I put into my mouth, the pace in which I consume it, the self centered way I might see it, or how much greed shows up in how much I consume without considering others. Am I appreciative that I’m not one of millions of hungry people in the world? Am I at all aware of the many factors that went into my biting into an apple or preparing a meal? The seeds, farmers, rain, soil, delivery men, people stocking the shelves at the supermarket, who is involved in my income that affords me the ability to purchase food, the Instacart person, my dentist who keeps my teeth healthy, my organs that miraculously automatically digest each bite. So much goes into eating an apple. My awareness or complete lack thereof will either nurture my eating of the apple or destroy it. So many opportunities are wasted. If I’m in a slower, grateful state then I will be mindful of each bite, think about what and who placed the apple in my hand, say a Hebrew blessing on it (I always do this and each food group has its own blessings. I see it as having manners to God), and have a full sensory experience. The taste, texture, and feel of the fruit will matter and greatly enhance the apple eating process. If I’m irritated, unsatisfied, rushed, self focused, and thinking about a list of other things then even the most delicious apple in the world will be lost on me. How I pause and choose to relate to the apple is enormous. It is this pause and choice that we have in every single moment, task, and person we encounter that ultimately shapes our overall relationship with Life. Here’s another example: how I relate to boredom. It’s kind of like those Choose Your Own Adventure books from my youth (I enjoyed those). My relationship to boredom can be fraught with irritability and desire for the moment to look entirely different than it does. I can mentally go down numerous rabbit holes that launch a campaign on how no one else in the world but me is bored, they’re all out having a great time while I’m alone and lonely at home with nothing to do and no one to do it with. I can easily lapse into a self critical shame spiral where the message is how I should be using this time to hustle/practice/do/go (code for lazy). Or I can choose to not escape my boredom and just admit to it without seeking distractions from what it brings up. Maybe I do have nothing to do and no one to do it with. Maybe I do feel agitated and lonely. Maybe there are valuable things I should be doing to fill the time. Maybe I am feeling lazy. Some or all of this may be present and if so, so what? None of these things are objectively a problem. It’s how I relate to them that will lead to how I relate to the boredom itself. If I can be honest about the temporary presence of the boredom instead of running from it then it becomes more tolerable. Yup, I’m bored and I’m still here. I survived.

How we relate to anger is a very powerful point of self investigation. Each of us handles anger differently and are shaped by our earliest experiences with it. Anger can be as destructive as wildfire or healing when it’s tended to properly. Like boredom, anger is a natural part of life. As are sadness, selfishness, shame, loneliness, impatience, and all the other darker aspects to our personalities we often turn away from. I find that how I choose to relate to these most challenging and uncomfortable parts is really where the relational gold lies. It’s easy to have a good relationship to a cute puppy or someone I love who makes me feel good. It’s way harder to have a healthy relationship to someone I don’t like, or to my fear of rejection and abandonment. I can choose the “adventure” that leads me towards a place where my greatest fears teach me how to find inner spiritual medicine, or I can lead myself deeper and deeper into a gripping abyss where the voices that tell me I will always be abandoned are very loud. I have come to learn through Buddhist psychology that those voices will likely always be there. How I relate to them (and my core abandonment wound for which they are a mouthpiece) is at the root of my relationship to myself. A healthy relationship with these voices is possible and I work on it constantly because as we know, all healthy relationships take consistent work and effort. Learning tools and having a strong spiritual practice are essential for me in relating to my core wounds. Meditation is crucial in that it gives space and time to let the wounds crawl out from the corners and say their piece. Meditation is the ultimate in relationship. To myself, to the earth that supports me while I’m sitting, and chiefly to my breath. Our relationship to breathing alone takes a lifetime to examine.

 The effort I put into all my relationships, from the water in my glass to my children, is indicative of so much. It speaks to how I feel I deserve to live, life’s purpose, to my capacity to use agency to begin again in a wiser way, to how those around me deserve to be treated, to how much gratitude I’m feeling or not, and to how well I’m actually and practically using my days while I’m alive. How I treat myself is how I treat my moments. How I treat my moments and all the ingredients they contain is how I treat my greater life. I’m not going to like at least half the ingredients my life will include. People, sickness, death, circumstances, work, traffic, heartbreak etc are often super painful and unpleasant. Accepting this unpleasantness is the first step to beginning to relate healthily to it. Acceptance is healthy, resistance is not. You will know when you are relating wisely to someone or something; there is often a feeling, however small, of mental and emotional space. Our system relaxes in response to any measure of wisdom. When we relate unskillfully there is contraction, it’s a message that something is amiss. We are designed to tighten up and protect ourselves from unhealthy relationships. It’s ok, it’s all a normal way the body mind is leading us to relate differently. The power we have to choose is tremendous, we just have to remember it and use it well. Our relationships are our responsibilities. Only we determine how this goes. It doesn’t matter how others relate to us, that’s their choice and responsibility. I have found that when I can relate well to when someone relates to me poorly, then I truly feel I’m honoring myself and my practice. Often a healthy way to relate to such things is to allow distance and relate from afar. Relationships are alive and ever changing. We can give ourselves over to the process of cultivating healthy relational dynamics and it requires our awake participation.
What shift can you make in order to better relate to the ingredients in your life in this exact moment?