Sex And The City

Several weeks ago I started rewatching this iconic series from the beginning. It’s become part of my post DJ wind down, a sacred time in which I need a couple hours to decompress after a gig. Giving creatively is a medicinal and necessary joy, and after I’ve just poured out my soul I require some major come down time. Chilling with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha is always entertaining and comforting. However, this viewing experience is quite different from when I first watched the show decades ago. The fashion totally holds up, which is pretty remarkable. I’m still in love with most of Carrie’s looks and hairstyles. From a fashion perspective I related to her the most and that’s still true. Watching Carrie from my current seat has been interesting in that it’s so clear what a hot relational mess she is. Maybe she always was and I didn’t see it for various reasons. Maybe that was the point the whole time. But as I watched the woman who I previously thought was so cool, witty, and fabulous, the ultimate chic New Yorker, behave in ways I can only describe as self destructive, crazy, unhealthy, selfish, and pathetic (I reserve the right to judge a fictional character), I couldn’t help but wonder; am I so triggered by her behaviors because they remind me of some of my own?
When Carrie showed up to church to spy on Big and his mom, I was legit cringing. That falls under embarrassing stalker territory, and no, that did not remind me of myself. When she had the audacity to invite Big to Aidan’s country house after cheating on the former with the latter, and expected Aidan to be friendly towards Big, I was struck by how incredibly head up your ass selfish and cruel that was. What a greedy attention whore, all under the guise of being a good friend. Please. Taking phone calls from Big in front of Aidan, thinking she had the right to an audience with Natasha after sleeping with her husband, freaking out when Natasha’s friends glared at her (hello?? What did you expect?). There are countless examples where the hero now looked like an immature nightmare of an individual, someone who I’d never be friends with. There are so many points in the show where I find Carrie to be overwhelmingly annoying, not funny, self righteous, and super impressed with herself, albeit with amazing accessories.
Where I did have to wonder about myself and my reactivity was in regards to certain behaviors she demonstrates in romantic situations. Watching her onscreen and being able to immediately identify some of my own patterning made me sad, and more sympathetic to how universally challenging relational intelligence is. But I was also satisfied and peaceful; in being able to observe unhealthy things I used to do, this means I can recognize that I have grown tremendously over the past few years. Those past behaviors, namely my ewwwww responses to them, directly indicate that they are just that; in the past. If they were still part of my repertoire I likely wouldn’t even have noticed them. They stood out because of the newfound awareness I have about myself, an awareness I have fought hard for and cultivate constantly with therapy, Buddhist psychology, Buddhist practice, and courageously deep diving into all layers of my life thus far. What shaped me, what traumatized me, what hurt me, and what survival skills I have been unconsciously operating on to stay afloat. As the saying goes, we aren’t responsible for what happened to us but we are fully responsible for healing it. And here’s one of the things about unconscious survival skills (which we all use); they may tactically keep us from falling apart on the surface but they really hurt ourselves and others. They harm us and those we are in relationship to, whether it’s a romantic relationship or on line at Starbucks. Humans all operate from their individual trauma lens, and unless we dedicate ourselves to cleaning that lens than the harmful patterns continue. Everyone is kind of walking around projectile vomiting their stuff. I know I sure have, in deeply harmful ways that I just didn’t see. I still do because it’s a lifelong practice, but there have been great improvements and I want to keep learning. This is the best way to care for relationships with self and others. Even our seemingly positive actions are often trauma driven and can be manipulative.

When Carrie accepted breadcrumbs from Big FOR YEARS, I related. When she, a typically confident, intelligent, carefree gal said with frustration that she turns into a different person with Big, I related. When she did anything she could to get crack hits of attention and affection, I related. When she dated beneath her, I related. When she remained in situations I’d drag my friends and daughters out of by their hair, I related. When she made incredibly stupid and selfish decisions stemming from romantic insecurity and confusion, I related. As I watched parts of my own life play out on screen I felt icky but proud in how far I’ve come. I even have pride that I can write about this in a post because it’s an outdated storyline. It’s not my script anymore. Honesty is a huge sign of growth, as is self forgiveness. Trust me when I tell you that I have participated in certain scenarios that you would not believe. Working through the shame of that has been a process, and it’s all been necessary grist for the mill. Every undesirable situation, pattern, and role I have played have been important ingredients in personal alchemy. Manure is what’s used to fortify, strengthen, and beautify nature. The stinkiest shit literally births beauty. We can look at our shit and wonder how to work with it, and I believe we must. The other alternative is to drown in it and sink deeper. Shaming ourselves for the embarrassing and yucky stuff we’ve done only creates more harm. It’s part of life to fuck up endlessly, learn, and get back up. There are more scenes to act out, character development, plot twists, and new endings to write.
And maybe, just maybe, we can be fabulous and messy all at once.