LATE CHECKOUT

There wasn’t a meal or a thought I didn’t want to share with him. Our thought process, speech, and hyper analytical notice of every surrounding detail was eerily in sync. Beyond those few initial dates, we eventually settled into a farce of a friendship. That was all he offered and I took it, so terrified to not have him in my life in some way. It was farcical in the sense that I, of course, didn’t want to be just friends. My therapist kicked my ass on that point one day. He knew that and gave me the choice, saying many times he was terrified of hurting me. There are two reasons men say that; it’s a bandaid for not returning your feelings or it’s true. I can’t say what he was thinking, though I’d guess 25% the former and 75% the latter. When we did hang out it was always really great, full of endless conversation, tons of laughs, and deep curiosities about a range of topics. We loved talking about books, articles, and movies. He often came to me for advice about important issues, which fed into my rabid need to be needed. I didn’t care how objectively unhealthy the topics were (analyzing his ex wife’s behavior till the cows came home) as long as we were in contact. When you are a giver who has never modeled healthy boundaries, you have to be really careful about how you expend your energy. Boundaries as a concept to me equated selfish walls, since I grew up in an emotionally chaotic, anarchistic home that had zero. If you said no to anything, you were automatically a selfish asshole. My parents treated me like that well into adulthood, until I shut that down. My marriage wasn’t the type of environment to have boundaries either. Truthfully, I see very little boundaries in general amongst the couples I know. A religious environment full of rules and roles often puts women in the race for biggest martyr. Selfless gets you the trophy where I’m from. Now I see that as rampant, chronic self neglect that causes oceans of resentment. Any time a woman wants something purely for herself it is seen as selfish. Therefore, even if there would be a pit in my stomach (my personal control center) while discussing certain things with him, I’d ignore it. I had no idea how to put the brakes on.

Another reason I was so “in love” with him was because he saw me completely. This is a fact. I have been aware of the humanly universal need to feel seen from a very early age. I remember asking teenage boyfriends why they liked me. I knew why but I was testing them. I wanted to hear them spell it out. They all failed, except one whom I didn’t have to ask because I knew he knew. When in love, the need to ask and be answered lessens, because the truth of how the other person sees you is clear. No test required. I believe to this day that this person sized me up instantly. He’s very smart and deep, a quick study (just not with himself). Every bozo tells me “they see me”, but they are fooling themselves by believing that. Perhaps it’s just a lame line.  I wasn’t fooled, since I know there is a lot to see in me and they never came close. I went to him too when I was having a hard time with certain things. He’d listen well, make me laugh, and comfort me. I received his advice and concern because it was genuine and his vision into my process was real. There were some wonderful elements of friendship there.

The night we met contained an unusual level of honesty for a first date. I used to have a tendency to over share too early, another unhealthy reach for connection driven by emotional addictive codependency, but this was different. Talking to him was as natural and easy as breathing. We once hung out with a third person who had thought we grew up together. She was surprised it had been only a little over a year that we knew each other. My Spanish speaking housekeeper once saw us talking for five minutes and described it as “simpatico”. Feeling so in sync with another person is it’s own type of fog inducing drug. Mix that with infatuation, throw in some loneliness, and you have yourself one potent cocktail that will rob you of the ability to see red flags. They could be 100 feet tall and wide, flapping in the wind, and you will just not see them. It’s a fascinating mental phenomenon. That when our neurotransmitters are all fired up, and we are foaming at the mouth in search of that fix, we become selectively blind. I guess it’s hypocritical of me to say that he saw others so clearly but not himself; I did the same thing. I had no handle on myself when it came to him. That self loathsome shame spiral we go down when we send that text against all judgement, is not reserved for adolescents. The part of me that knew better and wanted to not need it was at war with the addiction. Logic and dignity lost every time. This produces deep shame, and shame is a corrosive emotion when it’s not faced head on. I have mentioned her before, but Dr Nicole LaPera, the holistic psychologist on Instagram helped me learn/unlearn all of this. That, together, with my Jungian zen Buddhist program, taught me how to deal with my thoughts and emotions on the most inner level. I found this book in hindsight, but “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart” by Buddhist meditation teacher Susan Piver also explained a lot. She said the most wonderful thing; that once love is liberated from its object then it is unbound. It flows free and everywhere. This is true. By removing all of that intensity from this person, I directed it back to me, which then caused so much in my life to multiply and flourish. My creativity exploded. My DJing improved dramatically. I poured my soul into a nationwide charity give back during lockdown. I became a better parent; my kids had a compartmentalized mother for too long. Everything just felt more juicy and lush. All the feelings that had been bound to him were oozing into the other parts of my life.

Susan Piver is found on Instagram under her name. I promise you, if you are reading this and suffering from heartbreak, you are not alone. There are tools to help you. The worst thing you can do is pretend you don’t care, that you’re over it, and to wrestle with the stock ticker of thoughts you’re having about this person. Don’t deny your heart the beauty of shattering. The best things are rebuilt after they are blasted clean. Crack open, and let the shrapnel land where it will. This is a very human event. It’s natural. Don’t fight with nature, you won’t win. The painful bursting of your heart will create space for the right one. It’s a transformation and a hatching. It’s a rebirth, but only if you learn from it. Radical honesty is required, as is radical compassion for yourself. Buddhist teacher Tara Brach’s book “Radical Acceptance” saved me during this time. It taught me from the ground up how to recognize a thought and a feeling, hold it lovingly, investigate it, and nurture my soul throughout. Her method is RAIN: recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture. Never had I experienced such loving kindness AND IT WAS COMING FROM ME. What a magnificent revelation. How could I possibly identify loving kindness coming from another if I don’t know what it looks like on the most sacred of inner levels? Now I know. I have been practicing for quite some time. I came to this because of him. This is huge. After a long time of studying emotional intelligence and deepening my spiritual practices, I was able to demonstrate self respect and extract myself from our unhealthy dynamic. It was time to integrate all I’d learned. Otherwise, there’s no point. It was time to test out alignment and do the hard thing. At a certain point self betrayal feels scarier than losing someone. This is an excellent sign of growth. He was surprised and seemed annoyed. I had never said no to him and he took great comfort in our connection. My life will never be the same because I’m not the same. I am changing and flowing according to the laws of nature. I am earth, strong and solid, but a small child can run my soft dirt through his chubby fingers. I am water, fiercely rising up as a tsunami or cooling your drink as an ice cube on a summer day. I am air, gusty or breezy, giving you breath and life. I am the fire that can burn a house down or warm you on a winter night as you watch Netflix. The nature of the heart, like nature as a whole, is extreme. It changes, expands, contracts, ebbs, and flows. The pain of heartbreak is visceral; it deserves attention, kindness, and patience. If you let it it will teach you trust, even if only because you will lose your mind if you don’t believe that something right for you is waiting on the other side of this emotional ravine. Surrendering to the pain and uncertainty is a direct message to the universe. It says you are ready to partner with it for your greatest and highest good. That base of trust is a gift you’ll give yourself for life. Pain isn’t a punishment; it’s proof you are ready for greater. Olympians don’t win medals by skipping rigorous training. It’s an honor to receive such a lesson, though a dubious one. If you are forced to learn the lesson of a heartbreak so painful you feel it will break you, let it. Piecing yourself together will give you an unknown strength that’s been inside you forever. You are the tree trunk. You aren’t going to be uprooted no matter how hard the branches shake. I use a tree meditation that I love, as well as a water one. Let nature remind you of your ability to withstand all seasons. Change and growth are your birthright. This won’t kill you, I promise. And it really will make you stronger.

The astrologist I work with, Elaine Ziner, is usually quite private, but she truly loves helping people peel back the layers to step into their power. My relationship with her is very sacred to me, the details of which I hold close. Elaine can be reached on Instagram at elaine_ziner Her Sovereign Mastery podcast on Spotify has also helped me a great deal.