Heartbreak Hotel

There’s no other way to say this; my heart was put through a meat grinder 2 years ago. I have never experienced heartbreak like that. It was an all consuming pain that was physical, as well as emotional and mental. Only during this period of global lockdown, when the entire world was given a chance to scrape itself clean and reset, was I able to finally wriggle out of this particular straight jacket. Recently my friend, who is also one of my chosen sisters and a magical astrologist, saw a photo of me and commented, “You clearly have sloughed off a lot”. We hadn’t spoken in awhile but it was clear to her without my saying a word. It’s true, my aura is lighter, cleaner, more pure. I feel more intact and aligned than ever before. The past two years were torture. They were also the biggest act of love Source could have done for me. I would not trade them for anything, and I am not just saying that in hindsight. I always knew that whether I was going to wind up with him, which I thought for a very long time, or someone else, that this specific pain was more purposeful than I was meant to understand. I hated every minute but it was impossible to resist it. I loved this person and it just was what it was. I accepted that as fact.

Ego: Do not write this. Want me to list the reasons, Dummy?
Spirit: All good:). Let her do her thing. She knows what to do when she feels at peace.

Now there are deeper cosmic and spiritual elements at play here, but that’s for another time. I feel like writing now about the countless nights I cried myself to sleep, the physical ache of feeling like a limb had been torn from me, the times I’d talk to him when I was alone, the sheer terror that would paralyze me when I thought he wouldn’t be in my life, the heavy dread that I felt when I didn’t hear from him, and the inexplicable highs I felt when I did. Sound like love? No? That’s because it is emotional addiction. I recall a time where I was in an Uber with my daughter, and I got a text from him and I burst into tears. So flooded was I with the crack high from getting my fix that my body just sprung a leak. My daughter, wise beyond her years, took my hand and squeezed it, and said she understood. She was kind and supportive. I didn’t even know I needed that in that moment. I didn’t know I needed that until recently in general, so unfamiliar are those two qualities.
 There haven’t been many, but I have met a few men the past few years since getting divorced. All came and went, all unknowingly taught me something about how to keep leveling up. They rarely cross my mind, and if they do it’s met with an ugh, an eye roll, and a thank you Jesus. This man was different, very much so because of my cryptic mention of those cosmic and spiritual elements. But also because I had never come across someone that good looking, that funny, that smart, and that talented before. All terribly human qualities that are objectively spellbinding. I have yet to meet a chick who wants someone ugly, dumb, and boring. I feel badly that I suspect that to this day he thinks I fell for him because he was an emotional project. This is partially true; I was a hot mess (though I did not know that) and a lot of our issues were mirrored. I was ahead of him in the divorce timeline and I had done quite a bit of spiritual work. It’s so embarrassing to think of all the ridiculous advice and guidance I gave. He loved it though. When he drank from my trough of dime store wisdom I felt like the luckiest, most special faucet in the world. I wanted to help, fix, teach, guide, all unhealthy things unhealthy people do in order to feel needed, valuable, and nurturing. It’s much easier to nurture others than to nurture ourselves. Deeply sensitive, codependent empaths like myself will give and give and give. We do not know when to stop. I also wanted to clean him up for the obvious, selfish reason that he’d then wake up and see the light that we are meant to be together.

Ego: Stop. This is social suicide. What if he reads this??
Spirit: Shhhhh, relax. If he does, ok. If he doesn’t, ok. Let it be.

Meeting him was like being hit by an asteroid. Even the name of the place we met held meaning (I can find symbolism anywhere. It often just adds to the confusion). I immediately felt like it was love at first sight, that unicorn love I remain certain I’m destined for. From where I stand now, clear and strong, I can know that while there were indeed seeds of gold planted that night, my being was lit up because my nervous system had been fully highjacked and activated. I am an excellent first date. I look nice, am fun, make good conversation, etc. Unless I’m instantly miserable and looking for an escape route, which has happened a couple times, my first dates generally go well. This was unlike anything I have yet to experience. I remember every detail, and have spent the past two years replaying them in my mind. It has taken this whole time to be able to hold the memory gently and well, and know that it was just that; a memory. This person was the biggest catalyst in my growth. I define my life as before and after him. Cosmically, there are certain people who get delivered to us in order to bring up all the warring shadows that have welded themselves to our psyches and subconscious. We can only face, tend to, and work with that which rises to the surface. This man did that for me. It had to be him, in his spectacular package of various components. Maybe I wasn’t getting the message on my own (probably not), so Source had to hit me over the head by introducing us at this time. It knew I was ready to advance but it had to put me through the toughest emotional boot camp first. I did not volunteer for this, but without it I’d still be consumed with shadows and demons. Man, I always tried but I was just outnumbered and ill equipped. I remember the night we met, in the Uber home, that I was practically convulsing with fear I’d never hear from him again. After. One. Date. Granted, it was the date of the century, but still; he was a stranger (in the human sense...). To allow myself to be rendered non functioning as soon as we kissed goodbye was not healthy. Again, I thought it meant love because love to me was always chaotic, unattainable, unsure, unreliable, inconsistent. And painful. So when the pain fully set in after knowing we wouldn’t be a couple, I was unable to recognize that love is actually not painful. It’s the opposite, in that it is peaceful. After we parted/he pursued me then dropped me on my ass in midtown Manhattan on a Friday afternoon (I was wearing suuuuuuccchhh a pretty Isabelle Marant outfit), I could not breathe. For a very long time. I was totally miserable. I’d talk to anyone with ears about this, another tell tale sign of emotional addiction. One time in therapy, I spent the whole session talking about him. Not him in relation to me, but like, what he eats for lunch. That type of bullshit. My therapist looked at me and said, “so are we going to talk about you today or just this guy?”.

Ego: Ok, now I’m begging you.
Spirit: Nah, vulnerability and honesty is vital. This is what humans are meant to do.

Speaking of the aforementioned astrologer, I met her when I was in the throes of this addiction. I sat down at her chart reading table at a party I was DJing at. I said nothing except my birthday. She looked at my chart for a minute and said, “Something major happened to you 8 months ago. Something that changed you”. Again, tears. It had been 8 months exactly since we’d met. I could not believe I was meeting someone who I could really talk to about this, not just in the way my friends and I spoke about it. The things she explained, and there were many, made me feel not crazy for the first time since he and I met. Again, Source sent me someone to explain what I could not (classic Source). My friends reacted to this whole scenario in various ways. My tough love friend, in her staccato, blunt delivery was like, “over and out. Move on. He sounds like a dysfunctional mess. He’s not offering you anything anyway. Byeeeeee”. Boom, pow, punch. Some of them, the ones who want what I want no matter what, held onto the belief alongside me that it wasn’t the right time, but that one day it will be. That it will happen, and that when it does it will be even more powerful and special. None of us believe that anymore, based on a number of truths. It has been so liberating to be able to let go of that story. Anytime we drop any story, even the good ones, we float higher. When we remain tethered to any narrative we limit ourselves. We block possibility by clinging to specifics and wanting to control the outcome. It never works.

I am very well aware of how honed I became from having his asteroid crash into my planet. I am truly grateful. I became a better writer, since he often read the blog and I wanted to seem clever and impress him (note to self: if a man doesn’t read your writing then your mind is of no interest). My bank of musical knowledge expanded since he’s a musical prodigy and taught me a lot. I was so desperately sad and shame filled from being addicted to him that I had to learn to manage that. This led me to deepen my spiritual practice a million fold, and now I have this incredible tool kit to self regulate, love, and trust the process. My body became better because in the event he and I ever got together again, I needed to be ready. I’d literally be dying on the SLT megaformer and thinking that this will be worth it when...

Ego: I give up.
Spirit: Hooray!

Meeting him led me to be shaking in the chair at the astrologer’s table. The work I have done with her has been utterly transformative. It led me to go into past lives that explain a helluva lot. It also helped me understand the psychic visions I’ve had of him, which turned out to be accurate. I brought them to him at the beginning, and he told me I’m a prophet. I have never had such clear visions of another person. That alone taught me worlds about myself and the human ability to connect to the unseen. This knowledge of trusting in the secret, intangible forces at work that always sustain us has catapulted me into other quantum dimensions. My meditations are deeper. My powers of manifestation are stronger. I also learned, on a human level, what I want and deserve in a partner. For example, damn right I need someone gorgeous, hilarious,musical, tall, and with good hair. It’s so important to know what qualities lead to major attraction. I’m not talking about superficial attraction that is a distraction from toxicity, but in a physically interpersonal way. We can have anything we want if we believe that.

Universe knew that in order for me to learn what love is, I also had to go through a very painful curriculum of what it’s not. This curriculum gave me a crash course the moment he crashed into me. My heart needed to be broken so that I could collect all it’s millions of pieces and put it back together. By myself, slowly, carefully, with the attention and gentleness it needs and deserves. My life has always been a series of extremes, which is why what is waiting for me will be wonderful. We draw in what we are, like an energetic boomerang. Since I am a different version of myself since I met him two years ago, and since I had to get really sick in order to become really healthy, I can now draw in the same. My meditations and mantras on love look very different now. Love is exciting and all encompassing, but it also flows like a steady stream. It’s reliable, consistent, it gives and receives with grace. We don’t take from it, we draw from it. It is truly your best friend. It is a wellspring of peace and well being, even when it’s challenging. It doesn’t overtake your nervous system. Love, whether it’s from Source, a friend, a lover, a pet, nature, music, yoga, or a child, should feel like the most delicious, quenching, supportive, pure, honest, safest space. It’s not your foundation, that’s your job. But it will never abandon you. It will never blow you off when you reach out in a pandemic.
I think of him every day. It took me a long time to be ok with that and not fight it. The thoughts are there but they aren’t weighed down with heavy emotions and expectations. I have no idea if he thinks of me and that’s fine. His process is his own. I send him peace and meta all the time. I actually mean it. I wonder if he feels something at 3:34 pm if I shower him with golden light at that time. I hope he’s doing the work he so wanted to do, for his own sake and not mine. That would be conditional, and love is not conditional.   
Thank you, Source, for loving me enough to allow me to hurt in order to heal. Now go find me a funny Jew with creativity and hair.

Ego: Maybe just take what is offered to you so you’re not alone.
Spirit:STFU