Those IG Reminders

You know how on Instagram we get those periodic reminders of old posts? Like, “see your post from two years ago”. I love those. I joined social media kicking and screaming about three years ago. It was a time where every area of my life began to shift and joining Instagram was part of that. I was very resistant because my only exposure to it was bored housewives blowing smoke up their own asses. It seemed to me to just be another place to post family photos and bland “witticisms”, out of an attempt to perpetuate the self serving notion that our lives are interesting enough to be shared. Usually they are not. I’m honest enough to guess that I was anti the Gram as a result of this very fear; that I had nothing original or different to say than the typical Real Housewives of the Shtetl. I had struggled internally with that for many years; that on paper I was leading the same formulaic life as everyone around me. A life that I personally did not find that interesting. This does not mean that said life formula doesn’t contain many positive aspects. However the lack of individuality and originality ate away at me for years. After a friend convinced me to have my daughter set me up an IG account, I changed perspectives quickly. That happens to me a lot. I will get stuck in a certain model and argue as to why it must not be different, only to be pushed into a new idea and then love it immediately. Leslie was right as usual. She made the case that I needed an outlet for my creativity, creativity I didn’t really see that I had since it had become an atrophied muscle. I took to it like a fish to water. I recall posting little bits of poetry, expression, and ideas with a pounding heart. It was a huge deal for me then to expose myself and reveal what was really happening inside my heart and mind. It was the good kind of nervous. Each like was this hit of recognition and acknowledgement. I was so excited when a stranger liked a post. It was fascinating to be able to connect with people I’d never met, and from across the world at that! I felt on the cusp of fame. I felt seen and known. I know this sounds like an 85 year old lady’s awe at the magic of social media, but that’s honestly what it was like. Les always describes me as an Amish chick crawling naked out of a pothole in Times Square; I cannot disagree. I still retain that quality throughout the many versions of me that have arisen and faded, then arisen again. I believe I always will and I’m happy about that. It feels better to walk through the world wide eyed than with eyes half closed behind a dulled veil. I remember embracing Instagram with the intention of curating a life so that if I were to meet a man, he’d be able to get a sense of me. WHOA. That is a pathetic statement. Anything we share should be for our own fullness. I recently recalled that I’d thought that and it’s sad that my headspace at the time was primarily about how I’d be perceived by a guy. I was so used to doing everything for others and their approval. When I talk about my account I’m referring to my private little one that’s separate from @lady_blaga. It’s just a few hundred peeps that are mostly family and friends. I actually love it and when I look at it I see a life that I have indeed been curating. For me. There has not been one post reminder where I haven’t been hit with a wave of gratitude for how far I’ve come. I sharply remember my life in each picture, what I was struggling with, what I was thinking about, who I was interested in romantically, insecurities I was grappling with. Each pop up from the past reinforces my growth. I have fought for each new rung on the ladder, and that ladder goes on forever. One of the things the Gram has given me has been a growth chart. My posts aren’t the same because my life isn’t the same. I can see an evolution of which I’m proud. One day I will be 85. And I have committed to curating a life that I will still be in awe of. Social media is only as magical as what it represents or achieves. It’s only as impactful as it’s content. Our content has limitless possibilities. Where I was two years ago or a year ago was good too, for who I was then. I’m always appreciative of her and her efforts. But now is a vast improvement and I have so much further to go. One breath at a time, one step at a time, one post at a time. Follow me. I won’t disappoint either of us.