Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce

So here’s a tip I have heard from divorced friends of both genders. Following a divorce or separation; you don’t ever want to be the first. As in, you don’t ever want to be the first relationship for someone in the midst of a life altering transition. Ending a marriage, especially a long one, is an extreme makeover of one’s life. It should also be one of the heart, but not everyone will choose to dig so deep. However, at the baseline, beginning a new life is well... beginning a new life. There will be lots of strides, stumbles, decisions, freedoms, possibilities, and opportunities. The smorgasbord of other partners is both exciting and overwhelming. While divorce comes with lots of positives, it also comes attached to extreme loneliness, blinding solitude, a lack of a role that was once your identity, a physical relocation (anyone moving away from the permanent residence of their children has way more emotional struggle to contend with) guilt, shame, fear of failure, etc. I had no idea how to not be someone’s wife when I got divorced. It had been my role since I was 20, which is essentially on the border of childhood and adulthood. My entire adult life had been built around coupledom. It was the bedrock of my being a mother. Reworking one’s life at any stage is automatically a time of massive seismic shift. The earth beneath us literally feels like it’s pulling apart and restructuring. We might fall through the cracks of change and be swallowed up. There is a temporary loss of being grounded, since it’s simply a new foundation that has yet to be solidified. This new foundation takes a lot of time. At least it should. We are building new lives and new identities from scratch. So the advice I’ve received, again from both guys and girls I know who are new to this process is; do not get dragged into to anyone’s transitioning. It’s most likely not sustainable. The lure of possibility is simply too great. People will want to sample the smorgasbord, both on a physical and emotional level. Those entrenched in legal battles, finding new homes, and dipping their toes in the freedom of dating are naturally spread quite thin. It’s takes a long time for all the floating factors to start to merge and find a new home. Most going through a divorce will try out several or many new relationships before truly realizing what works for them. They didn’t get it right the first time, so it’s a relearning if who we are before we know what we need and want from a partner. My own needs and wants have changed every few months. I’ve seen it as I keep learning myself too. Some things I wanted a year ago I don’t want today. In essence, don’t be the first chick a guy in transition picks for the time being. It’s a weak move on the part of both parties. Believe me, I understand all the hard stuff mentioned above. It’s sad and scary. We all finally want something resembling consistency and security. But that only really comes if the individuals involved are consistent and insecure. Latching on to anyone in the middle of aforementioned seismic shift sounds like a person desperately grasping onto a rope so they don’t fall. Only the fall is really only a few feet below you. It’s a lot harder to be dumped when someone awakens to the fact that they have options, than it is to fill your own cup and want true inner and outer stability. What do we tell our kids when they fall? That’s it’s ok. That they shouldn’t be afraid to try again. Don’t take the easy way out and hide in the corner. We want to teach our kids resilience and belief that they’ll get it right next time.

There were relationships I thought I wanted when I was new to this. I had been coming from a place of tremendous lack. I was more scared to be alone than I realized. It’s not that I couldn’t do it, I was just tired of it. I felt I was finally deserving of a partner, a person I could believe was at last the healthy choice. Looking back at these men, it’s the biggest joke. They would have all resulted in a big pile of nothing. We are given loneliness and solitude for a clear reason. To avoid it is to avoid dealing with it. Do I want someone who can’t deal with hard shit like that?? If they can’t face their own situations then where will my stuff fit in? Practically speaking, I want someone super intact and grounded so that we can build something together. Any successful relationship seems like it has two strong, centered people who can then build a foundation and keep going up. A person who still has holes to fill is a risk. Ignoring that risk speaks to who you are, not to who they are. Everyone is entitled to their process, and everyone’s process is different. To cling to someone as they’re changing lanes doesn’t seem wise. My male friends have said this too; that the chick they were with initially was a matter of time. As they grew more secure so did the need for a strong woman. They didn’t want to rescue someone while they were just learning to live again too. My female friends were adamant for obvious reasons as well; honey, it never lasts, they all said across the board. Do your own thing first. So I did, which has really widened my lens as to who I am. For the first time I finally feel better equipped to choose wisely. I’m far from done, and I want someone to figure some of this out together with. That’s part of being a couple. But I’m no one’s transition and no one’s backup. I would have been prior to now, but that was many versions of me ago. It’s sad, what I’d have settled for. It feels nice to not betray myself anymore. And as a fact, anyone you have to cling so tightly to isn’t committed. Unless you’re ok with that than well... Men can be like dogs. They can smell insecurity because it directly affects their freedom. And freedom post divorce is a necessary part of all this recalibration. In yoga we are taught to honor the pause. In music we are taught to cherish the spaces between notes. In cooking we know to let a dish rest before slicing into it. Cutting too soon releases precious juice and flavor. In photography we let pictures develop. Get it? Time and space are required in interpersonal relationships too. I’ve had men cling to me while dating. It spoke to their own inner dialogue; what kind of future could I have with someone who isn’t fully actualized or whole? It’s not my job to be the bandaid to someone else’s fears or insecurities. I’m not even supposed to do that with myself. No more bandaids, they fix nothing and fall off eventually. I’m grateful to my peeps who led me in the right direction even when I didn’t understand this idea. We want what we want when we want it, and I sure did. I’m grateful for my growing pains, they gave rise to a much wiser, stronger version of myself. When the lack triggers arise, I can identify them immediately and reroute. I took the time to learn how to do that, and it wasn’t easy. But I prefer those lessons over looking back at being caught in the crossfire of someone’s understandable transition, and feeling like an idiot. A guy I liked once told me he respects me too much to drag me into his erratic post separation mess. That was a hard moment for me but I was moved by the honesty. I am grateful for him not wanting me to get railroaded. Perhaps he saw that I deserved better when I had not yet arrived at that place myself. When others can help show us what we deserve then we are guided in the way of eventually learning it too. And those lessons are never unlearned. As I attempt to navigate this new life with grace, trust, and determination, I’m committed to ascension. The right person will catch up with me eventually since we will be on the same path. His commitment to himself will be just as clear as mine. No chasing, no running, no tricks, no convincing. Two people walking side by side with a shared view of life and love. Emotional storms are inevitable. But so is that magnificent, delicious period after the rain stops. We just have to wait it out. After all, it’s only weather.