Dumping Grounds

Here is the chief reason why most relationships fail and suffer; the majority of  people project and dump all their issues onto their partner. All of us have so much hurt, fear, anger, loneliness, confusion , frustration, anxiety, and lack filling up our human casings. That’s just how it is, how this incarnation goes. It’s incredibly common and almost a given that when we find ourselves in a relationship with another, it’s like “Ok, here you go. Here are my issues for you to hold. This is what you signed up for. You hold them so I can take a break. You love me right? So you’re supposed to do this for me”. It’s like this emotional vomiting under the assumption that the other person is meant to serve as our barf bucket. When they don’t want to stink like our regurgitation anymore, or at least try to duck, we get angry. Resentful. Scared no one will absorb all the things we ourselves can’t. Projectile emotional vomiting is really what it is. I have been on both ends of this unappealing scenario many times. I have been called on to stand there like a human landfill. I have also poured my own shit onto others, before I had any idea about how this works. Before I had any idea how I as an individual work. Like, no clue. It’s like trying to read without learning the alphabet. It’s just not possible or realistic to have a healthy, thriving relationship without learning yourself really damn well. Self study is a required course we all must take over and over again. There is no graduation from this one, it’s a lifelong class. This is essential in regard to love in order to avoid burying your partner under your mountains of issues. It’s not fair or sustainable. It’s wildly impractical because nothing can last under those conditions. Putting aside the notion that you don’t want to do that to someone you claim to love, it’s on the most pragmatic level, a recipe for failure. It’s expecting a plant to live and stay green though it’s covered with an old, dusty blanket under the bed. I’m not even talking about epic romantic love, or that blissful state of being with the right person who moves you like no one else (not a myth). I’m talking about the most basic, necessary elements of keeping any relationship together, even from the standpoint of friendship and companionship. When the people in a relationship have no individual equanimity, it is a given that the relationship itself will have none too. Two jacked up puzzle pieces can’t  harmoniously interlock. Each piece needs to have fairly smooth edges and know where it belongs. It needs to know how necessary and important it is to complete the overall picture. Each piece needs to know its value and place in the scope of what is trying to be achieved. Think about it in terms of how the heart space works with the element of air, in regard to the Hindu chakra system. I’ve written about this before but it’s something I think about every single day. The more I learn about self love and how I want to relate to others, as well as how others should relate to me, the clearer this association becomes. Simply put, when someone is burying you under their messy emotional and psychological avalanche you cannot breathe. Literally. The chest tightens and constricts. There is absolutely a lack of air. The mind, body, and heart are in dire need of a healthy oxygen supply. That’s why love keeps us alive when it’s healthy and kills us when it’s not. I so often hear people in relationships say they feel like they can’t breathe under the weight of the dynamic. It’s heavy and suffocating. It begins to manifest physically. You feel slow, sad, sluggish, lethargic. The air has been sucked out. No one can breathe. Both parties become trapped in this vicious cycle of dumping and being dumped on. I dump my fear and insecurities onto you, so you now dump your resentment onto me. And so on. Everyone gets shat on in some capacity, and it’s actually insane to get angry at someone for not only wanting to not eat your shit, but to also not want to make you all clean and pretty after. Listen, when we are in relationships we are in something together, no question. We sign up to hold each other’s hair back and soothe each other when the bile arises. We want our partner to share with us so we can stand next to them and lift them up, just like how we need that too. But nowhere does that translate to us standing still while the other person aims and fires. I have done a lot of work in this area in terms of myself. Lately I’ve been thinking of how I now want and deserve to be related to. Meaning, the guy needs to know himself really well, claim responsibility for whatever resides within his own heart and psyche, and not pour his issues onto me. I have that overly empathic instinct to fix, to help, to fill holes. I’m just now learning boundaries with that, as well as respecting the other person’s timeline. Everyone needs to heal at their own pace, but everyone is indeed responsible to heal. I will no longer play the role of the lifeguard. I want to swim next to someone. Climb on my back when you get tired, but be strong and skilled enough to navigate choppy waters when I need assistance as well. This points to me newly learning that I don’t have to be the chief lifeguard anymore. After half a lifetime of providing for myself emotionally, while failing sometimes, it’s very new for me to allow myself to soften and rest. To receive, to restore. To breathe while holding hands with someone after one of those satisfyingly breathless ocean swims. To balance decades of constant motion and activity by creating space within. Space that allows for the entrance of the right person. Clear, fresh space that is only revealed after we take out the trash. Holes that need to be filled by someone else are bad. Space and air that creates room for someone are good. Since I work so hard to maintain equanimity in my own life, and it’s a constant practice, I need a man who does the same. If he isn’t committed to himself how can he be committed to me? If he’s not attuned to his own deep needs how can there be any room for mine? If he doesn’t see himself honestly and bravely then I won’t be seen either. We must do the work alone so that we can do it together. The goal is true partnership. That only comes after you partner with yourself first. To dump all your shadows onto another human is lazy, cruel, sadistic, and unfair. I don’t want to be any of those things, and I won’t be a landfill for those traits in another. My grounds have been cleaned up. I tend to them religiously because there’s no choice. They are green, lush, vibrant, and full of life. I welcome anyone who wants to plant seeds that we can nurture together. The unseen soil must be rich and healthy so the earth can birth the trees, fruit, and flowers. I want to plant a forest with someone. We need to tend to ourselves before we can tend to each other. I have always hated littering. It’s rude and thoughtless. It’s irresponsible. Healthy, loving individuals don’t litter on each other. It comes attached to a fine that’s impossible to pay.