So Which Is It?

 If he tells you it’s love at first sight, is it wildly romantic or too fast?

If he tells his daughter about you within the first week, is it an act of certainty or irresponsibility?

If he shows you off to all his friends (and his friend’s girlfriends), is it flattering or impulsive?

If he has dated a hundred women in a year, was it necessary research or an inability to commit to himself or others?

If he pursued you for three months then fizzles out in three weeks, was it just the thrill of the chase?

If he tells you you’re his angel, his goddess, and his girl, is it sweet or bullshit?

If he writes you incredibly romantic, old fashioned love letters, the kind that are yellowed over time and kept in a shoebox in a closet, tied in a ribbon, then can hardly text you, have you lost your luster or is he unbalanced emotionally?

If you wake up to lengthy “I miss you” texts sent in the middle of the night, is it sweet or obsessive?

If he tells you you’re his only focus and that your voice is the only one he wants to hear, then is suddenly unavailable via phone... Am I naive and too open hearted?

Am I trusting to the point where certain flapping red flags aren’t identified?

No and perhaps. Ya know, I believed and still believe every wonderful thing this guy said to me. I’m not stupid, and I am a feelings ninja. I know when someone is being sincere. I also know my worth and that damn right, I am a goddess that a guy would leave work for in the middle of the day to come hold me for an hour and a half. I am worth telling your friends about if you’re lucky enough to land me, though telling your kid is reckless. I am the one after a hundred others, that would finally draw out this side that had been bottled up in a long, bland, disconnected marriage. Or am I simply the hundred and first?

When he told me, “be gentle with my heart” I listened. I can’t ever not appreciate that level of vulnerability, especially from a man. He just wasn’t gentle with mine, which just makes him a selfish hypocrite. Is it assumed that a plea for emotional gentleness is reciprocal? Yes, right?? Or was I foolish for making such an assumption?

When he told me I’m no longer single and off the market, and started making plans for us for the summer (concerts! The Hamptons!), was it jumping the gun or was it the thought process of a man who knew as soon as he locked eyes with me that I was It?

I know that love and certainty at first sight exists. We hear those stories all the time. I know that he meant it when he told me that first seeing me was “as if the whole room went dark and there was a spotlight on you”. That his requests that I float to him over the Tapan Zee bridge midday were made with genuine urgency. It was real, it was just temporary. It’s very easy for us to see divinity and Source revealed in our lives when things go well. Gratitude comes easily to the joyful. It’s more important and necessary to hold onto appreciating experiences when they’re hard.

So here’s the deal; this guy did pursue me for several months, and that’s a nice feeling.

Lesson 1; being pursued feels good. It shows actual interest. He resurfaced at a time that another idiot had blown me off, and I had truly reached a place where I wanted a break from dating.

Lesson 2; space was cleared to allow this experience into my life, which means it was necessary for me to have it.

Lesson 3; I love the intensity of romantic words and actions. It felt real during the brief time it lasted, and I want to feel that again, only from a stable, consistent person. The pendulum swing that governed this guy’s actions and decisions had zero to do with me.

Lesson 4; knowing this was not my fault. Unlike in the past where I invited unworthy experiences into my life because my self worth and standards were considerably lower, that wasn’t the case here. I arrived at this junction in a very strong place, without the need for a man at all. I had finally, after two years of intensely introspective and spiritual work, reached a point where I was truly comfortable and proud to be single. I just wanted to focus on my own life. Trusting the plan I know the Universe has for me, allowed me to just be still with myself. To not need outside attention or validation. I can make my own plans and be my own date. It is when we let go of how we think things are meant to be that Source has yet another lesson to teach us. And those lessons are often sent in the form of other humans who are unreliable, so that we reinforce the need to rely on ourselves.

Lesson 5; there’s always a lesson.

Lesson 6; though this whole episode was completely confusing and extreme, not once did I fall apart. It was a bit of a struggle at times, bringing to light residual attachment and abandonment issues (it takes a looooong time to clear a pain body), but I never lost my balance. I meditated on my root chakra and imagined myself as an unbreakable oak. The wind can blow and branches can shake, but the trunk remains immovable. I meditated on my water chakra and chose stillness over the rising, evil, crashing mental waves that tried to drown me as my ego watched and laughed from dry land . I lowered my fire chakra and didn’t let the anger at having been treated unjustly burn my foundation to the ground. It is always a challenge in these situations to keep our heart chakra open and airy, and it’s hard for me right now, but I know it’s the only choice. To hold on to the hurt, the unfairness, and the mind fuck is to close down. And to close the heart is to destroy yourself and prevent the beauty of life from entering you once again.

Lesson 7; stay open always, even if you have to pry those gates apart with a will and force you didn’t know you had. Be sad, be confused, be agitated, be scared. Feel it all then send those feelings on their way.  Don’t let them overstay their welcome. Let them wash over you then pass through you.

Lesson 8; admitting all of this isn’t weak, it’s necessary in order to process. Progress only arises from the ability to process.

Lesson 9; we don’t have to understand or make sense of anything, we just have to trust that each experience is leading us to where we are meant to be. An old one but a good one.

Lesson 10; don’t get so caught up in beautiful, romantic, adoring words and actions being thrown at you at lightning speed. Enjoy it, savor it, recognize the good feelings born from it, but stay centered. Balance must not only be maintained during hard times, but during good times as well. Don’t let the ego start frantically gobbling up compliments, only to never be satiated. Don’t lose your reality even as you’re being told you’re the woman of someone’s dreams.

Lesson 11; don’t kick yourself for investing time, emotion, and trust into something like this. It’s all part of the process of being single. Stuff like this is par for the course. Learn from it and grow. Take what you need from each experience then delete the contact.

Lesson 12; consistency is more attractive than hasty cries of love.

Lesson 13; don’t waste another minute thinking about some dude who has probably dated another 100 chicks in the time it took to write this post. He told me he no longer needed therapy. Um...