41

I woke up this morning to my 41st birthday. The first thing I saw was my son sleeping, the second was the volcano that my window in Costa Rica faces. I bathed the night before on my porch staring at said volcano. I love showering and bathing outside; it’s so freeing to feel the air on your skin. There’s something very vulnerable and natural cleansing yourself protected by nothing but the atmosphere (and a few strategically placed trees). I’m thinking back to writing my birthday post a year ago, from a beach in Cancun.

I’m often away this time of year since it’s when my kids have winter vacation. I did feel very grateful at 40 but in hindsight I was still quite clogged. It takes a long time, possibly a lifetime or never, to find out what blockages are present and need to be torn down to return home to yourself. It’s a journey that never stops, and I’m so much further along now than on my last birthday. I remember my anxiety levels were still somewhat high, I felt a bit lonely in being single, uneasy about the unknown, I wasn’t as patient with my kids, and I was really agitated waiting for a birthday text from someone in particular. It’s so disappointing when we imprison ourselves to triviality. Like out of all the vastness of how much there is to be grateful for, we let one dumb detail derail our mood. Truthfully, I’ve had tugs towards that today too, but I’m so much more fortified and equipped to not succumb. There’s a voice in my head telling me, “You are so much stronger now. Go with that”. I like instructions (sometimes) so I’m going to listen to that voice, the voice that’s been guiding me towards this day.

Even the nature of this vacation compared to last is different. Last year I had a travel agent book us in an all inclusive resort. It was pretty but kinda sucked. There wasn’t much to do, the ocean was legally off limits due to windy conditions, and the one time we ventured off site it was a bust. I was annoyed and didn’t do a great job at hiding that from my children, which in turn affected their moods too. It’s scary how as parents our offspring can smell our mood fluctuations. Human families are animalistic in that sense. In other senses as well, of course, but those other ways are often a choice in behavior, whereas the mood detection thing is built in to how we feel each other. It’s a daunting responsibility, to try to stay neutral so we don’t throw off our children, and as any parent knows it’s freaking hard. We fail often and it’s a lousy feeling for all present. We move on quicker than they do sometimes. We smile and think “onward” but the unrest can linger with them. 

The trip last year was indicative of what I felt I could handle at that stage. It was the first time I was the only adult, and the first time dealing with luggage and passports. I think the all inclusive idea made me feel safe in how easy it was supposed to be. All I had to do was be there. Ironically though, I wasn’t that present. I had too much on my mind. My heart still had a heaviness. Since then, the trips I’ve taken with my gang have improved in direct correlation to my overall mental and emotional state. They’ve been increasingly more adventurous and interesting. Sometimes it’s an Air BNB, sometimes it’s a resort, sometimes it’s a hotel that’s just eh. I don’t feel we need the controlled environment of a lockdown fancy hotel situation anymore. As I’ve grown more flexible and adaptable, I’m striving to teach them that too. No more cookie cutter vacations. I want us all to truly experience where we are. That means day trips, spontaneity, eating street food, and lots of unfamiliar randomness. Needing things to be a certain way is indicative of a lack of happiness and appreciation; for life, for the ability to travel, and for newness. Sure, there are times I fall into that trap of expectation and annoyance, and it’s a constant practice to bring your awareness back to where it should be.

This was the first trip I’ve ever taken where I packed zero makeup. I don’t wear much in general, but I usually take the basics. It just didn’t matter right now if my eyes looked a little wider; they’re wider in the real sense. I didn’t need the illusion of highlighter on my cheeks, since they were aglow with sweat and excitement. I’m feeling less that I have to appear a certain way since I actually feel that way. I don’t look perfect because life isn’t perfect. I’d rather match up with real life than use tricks to cover things up. I like when my kids see a mother who can get dressed in five minutes. I like when they see me get dirty. It’s amazing what falls away from mattering when you’re enjoying life. So much of what we cling to are conditioned constructs of the mind. They become as unnecessary as mascara in a better frame of mind. I never imagined I’d be a single woman traveling with her kids internationally, and I’m so proud that I’m doing it. The braver I become, the more I can expose them to. Granted, I’m most likely not going to land in some foreign country, rent a car, and use a broken English navigation system to haul my children around. I have a friend that does that and I’m in awe of her. But I am a New York Jew after all, so a few fears will always factor in a little. I don’t need to be a martyr to the point of stupidity, and I do like my hand held just a drop, for now. The grip is loosening though, which frees up my hands to be open and receive.                       
I went to the resort spa with my daughter on my first day of being 41. I got a body wrap with organic coffee. It left my skin feeling like silk and all of me smelling like a vanilla, hazelnut latte. Coffee is believed to wake people up...