Female Journalist

I had a thought that hit me like a bolt of lightening the other day. I’m constantly going over the coordinates of the past several years and finding new revelations on how they all truly connect. How each thread   in my life has been woven together to form this tapestry that is my current state. I know that’s something I often write about, but it’s something I’ll keep reiterating. Each new layer of purpose that’s revealed to me keeps reaffirming what I learned a couple years ago; that I’m being guided and led to the right places. My path is no accident, and while I know that as an adult, I still feel like a small child whose hand is being held by Source. Especially as a grown up and mother who makes millions of decisions, it feels delicious and safe to be led and held by something else. Allowing myself to lean into that is one of the most beautiful parts of being a human being.

So here’s the thought that shook me; that my blog was sent to me specifically for Svadhyaya, the yogic practice of Self Study. I always say how I’m so grateful that the blog allows me a platform for self expression and creativity. It’s my microphone for a voice just beginning to flex her vocal cords. But it’s more than that. I was thinking about how I have a number of channels to serve as a release, but that I don’t journal enough. I have this beautiful little green journal one of my teachers gave me that’s mostly blank. This bothers me because I don’t like not using things. Journaling is obviously one of the most effective ways to clear our systems. It’s a proven aid in observing to let things go. Then I thought, wait, of course I journal! I do it here every week. This blog is my journal. Blogging for the Inspire section is forced Self Study. It’s not just a place for me to speak; I have to come up with stuff to say in the first place. There are times I can’t wait to write. There are other times I don’t feel I have anything to say, but to meet a deadline I have to find something within me to delve into. Which is often when I learn the most about myself. So it hit me that, holy crap, Someone knew I needed this in my life at a certain time in order to dig my true self out from under layers of illusion formerly known as my existence (I said existence, not life. Note that).

My mental shift had begun four years ago because my soul had been crying out for so long. It was time to listen to Her. I wasn’t cognizant of any of this at the time. Only in hindsight can I see what was unfolding, now that my eyes (all three of them) are finally open. So there I was, in mental, emotional, and spiritual turmoil. Confusion, unrest, and discontentment. Desperate for a connection I didn’t know was possible. And then boom; enter Tzvia Rush, who said to me, “you should really be blogging”. I had never read another one before. I wasn’t on any social media at the time, and sending an email was still new to me. As the idea of having my own blog took shape, so did my spirit. It drove me to dive deeper and deeper within so as to excavate and hunt for material. If I’m going to write here, I damn well need to figure myself out first. I’ve said that the blog help get me through my divorce, by giving me purpose and a shape to the wild horse thoughts stampeding through my mind. But on a deeper level it strapped me down, shone a light in my face, and was like, you are not getting up until you scrape yourself clean. No change comes without intense Svadhyaya. Call it self study, awareness, self reflection, whatever. It is a must that is constant. We can’t fix what we don’t know. Blogging wasn’t just given to me as a coping mechanism. It was given to me to finally get to know myself. Without all this journaling I’d know almost nothing about who I am. Writing the posts, rereading them, then reading them again when they’re put up allows me to study the content objectively. The growth in my writing is gratifyingly clear from the start of the blog to now. The more I immerse myself in svadhyaya the richer my material is. The better the material, the more it resonates with my readers. The more resonance, the more I connect with you. The more we connect, the safer we all feel. Connection is safety. It’s support. And we can’t ever provide that for others until we first provide it for ourselves. That comes only with the humble willingness to know we have to start from scratch. To work it out on paper, to talk it out in therapy, to twist it out during asana practice. It’s not easy to read about our flaws, mistakes, and lousy pattens in black and white. But it’s harder to avoid it. Blogging doesn’t allow me to avoid anything anymore. It’s why Lady Blaga has grown; this is an honest space for utter non avoidance. This was the right avenue for me to explore myself and do it in a community setting. The collective has always had such a hold on me, I’m very much a team player. All I have I want to share.

I like being inclusive. So this is my journal, dear Readers. I’ve left it on my bed, open, so you can happen upon it and enter my process. As I go further into the infinite depths of Self, I encourage you to do the same. You’re really beautiful, pay much more attention to that than you ever have. Learn yourself and leave no part overlooked. Journal, release, express, get it out. If you let it in then you can also let it out. None of this nonsense is permanent. Paper and a pen can be the only friend and therapist we need sometimes. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the Divine for shoving this opportunity down my parched throat. I did not know I needed this but You did. Which is why you gave me the ability to write in the first place. All dots were connecting from my youth...

It’s wondrous what forms for us while we are carefree children skipping about. The more I learn the more I can love. Study of Self is the key to liberation, but only if we move forward with our knowledge. Write to make things right. Read all your chapters, edit them, and decide how you want your story to build. I was just a first draft until now. It’s quite nice to turn myself into a badass screenplay. Corrections, it’s all about the corrections.