Camp Grounds 🏕

Can I talk about summer camp for a minute?  I sent my son off to sleep away camp for seven weeks. He went with all his friends, and he was bouncing off the walls with excitement. This is how the majority of orthodox Jewish kids in the Tristate area spend their summers, to the point where it’s deemed “weird” if a kid doesn’t go. Statistically it’s not possible that every single child wants to go and likes it. But there is a definite unfair social stigma that’s assumed if a kid doesn’t like it/can’t hack it. It’s bizarre; every parent seems to know where children in other families are going, as in to which of the several camps is so and so sending their kids to. Why they may have left a previous camp. Why they didn’t have a great time, were they bullied, did they get caught doing something forbidden. The amount of information that doesn’t pertain to our own lives in the least, and is casually and arrogantly tosses around in “adult” conversations, is staggering. Who cares what anyone else chooses to do during their summer? It’s this constant need to be a social authority on all goings on in the neighborhood. Such is life in any suburban fishbowl. It’s not unique to where I live, it’s just what I see in front of me. What’s truly material for social satirization in these conversations, is the inevitable need parents have to justify why they chose one camp over another. IT. ALWAYS. HAPPENS. Predictable and stereotypical social scenarios amuse me to no end. It provides me with a steady stream of content for all the SNL skits I’m constantly crafting in my head. I’ve had decades long fantasies about sitting in that famous writers room, cranking out wacky ideas and making people laugh. So I really welcome actual humans who behave as caricatures.

Basically, if I know you, and you sound like a jerk listing the pros and cons of your kid’s chosen school/camp/after school basketball program/sneakers, then I’m already casting you as I nod apathetically and plan my escape (FYI a scratched up Toyota Sienna makes a nifty getaway car). Listen, I’ve been plenty guilty of the above in my past identity, which is why I’m hyper sensitive to the undertones of such discussions. I’ve been on both sides of the bullshit neighborhood wall. I get it. I get where it comes from. Only now I know better. And as Oprah says, “when you know better you do better”(I’m pretty sure it was Oprah but if it’s not we can credit her anyway).     

The real reason for this post is not the above. It came from the nagging guilt I have about shipping my kids off for the whole summer. I, like all parents, look forward to a much needed break from planning, scheduling, driving, making 4 different dinners, and homework. Btw, any parent that claims to not look forward to some freedom is lying. I do know a few moms who pathologically seem to be lost without the presence of their children. Who have no idea how to get through a day that’s not maniacally shaped by errands and routine. It’s very scary to feel adrift, so I truly have sympathy. I too spent many summers where I felt it was as boring and not special as the rest of the year, the only difference being I was in a tank top. There’s so much pressure to “have a great summer” and it’s a let down when it doesn’t turn out that way. Which is why most women I know freak out when it’s over and school begins. It feels like a wasted opportunity. It feels like you didn’t capitalize on a precious few weeks of freedom. Panic sets in. Again, been there. Last year when school started, it was the first year I didn’t feel that dread; because I don’t place all hope on one season anymore. I now know that all year is great. I can and will fully take advantage of my life 365 days a year.     

But back to the guilt. There is definitely something unnatural about the way our kids live their lives, being apart from us almost all year. It feels antithetical to the point of having children. They’re so scheduled, regimented, and not with us. Not that I want to home school them or not have time to cultivate my own existence, but it eats at my core that as soon as they return home from something we are packing them up and sending them off again. There has to be more room for relaxed, soft bonding and family time. Old school, quality family time. Without technology, without friends, without distractions. Focused, sweet togetherness. I know this is highly cultural. Folks that aren’t familiar with the sleep away camp system think it’s insane. I went to camp my whole life, and loved it. I was a camper for six years then a counselor at the beloved, defunct Camp Hillel. Omg the Dirty Dancing lake scene was filmed there!!!!!!   

Camp is a fantastic social exercise. We need to teach ourselves at a very young age how to navigate a smorgasbord of social situations. How to camouflage that I peed in my bed (true story), do I suck my thumb in front of my bunk mates at the age of 13 (yes), do I shower if there’s no hot water (maybe), do I let the smelly girl borrow my clothes so as not to be rude (not if I can come up with a viable excuse). Bunkmates live together, have crushes together, menstruate together, bicker, cry, emote, feel shame/confusion/joy together, have to comfort one another, and on the best days, mudslide and laugh our asses off together. WITH NO PARENTS!!!! So maybe just as parents need our freedom, so do they.

I am a huge believer of imparting the message to my kids that I trust them to know how to handle themselves. I believe in them. I trust they will make friends, function in a group, be flexible in said group, and work their way in and out of social pitfalls. I trust they’ll respect authority. I trust they’ll participate and use manners. I trust they’ll be an asset to the dynamic. I never had a kid who cried getting on the camp bus. I’ve always been proud of how well adjusted they’ve been socially. That behavior comes from a foundation of security, and it is gratifying for me to see them handle themselves well. But I wonder, does any part of them think I don’t want to be with them over the summer? This has to be insulting. Summer memories are special; shouldn’t we create some together? And not just on visiting day🙄. I once heard a parent say that she’d rather an extra Yom Kippur than have Visiting Day😂. Love the honesty, Sister!

So I’m doing something this summer I’ve always wanted to do but never have; I’m taking them away for a week to California after everyone comes back from their various programs. Finally, the quality time I’ve always longed for. So many men say they can’t take off of work to travel with their families over the summer. I hate that. When there’s a will there’s a way, always. The most involved dads I know who travel the most with their children, have the least financial resources. They figure it out, they make it work because it’s important and worth it. No one will care about the extra days or hours spent in the office. It’s bullshit when men say “I can’t leave work”. Can’t or won’t? There are always reasons to not do things, but there are more reasons to do them.    Life is balance, and while I love how much my children do enjoy their summer programs, I’m also really trying to create memories with them with just each other.       

I’ll finish with this. The social bonds that have the potential to be formed and cemented during camp are very special. When I knew I was about to enter into this new chapter of no longer being married, my first phone calls were to two of my camp friends. One I met when I was 10 in camp Hillel. The other at 15 on a teen tour, the same teen tour my daughters  went on. I had not been in regular contact with either for decades, but my instincts and history with them sent me flying back to them as I was jumping off a cliff. I knew they’d catch me, as they had many times when we were kids. J and L❤️❤️ you know who you are. When you know you know, and sometimes the friendships that give you the most require the least. They exist without effort. They become fact in your life, and they are true because they are real. No added preservatives. If camp can give my children friendships like these, then it will all have been worth it.