Script Keeper

So I’m doing it again. A lot. Non stop. And by that I’m mean furiously writing scripts in my head for the future. Conversations, speeches, and interactions that I want to take place. I imagine every detail of these scenarios, from the carefully placed pauses to tears and laughter. It’s not good, and it’s an addiction that’s stemming from expectation and hope. The most dangerous part to that is that I am easily setting myself up for massive disappointment. Overall I have become soooooo much better at being good to myself through all the hundreds  of decisions we make during every waking moment.

We don’t realize it, but every single thing we do throughout our time awake is the direct result of choices. What we eat, wear, who we will talk to, who we will ignore, what time we leave the house, how we will spend the next two minutes, what we will think about, what we refuse to deal with, when will we check Instagram, will we decide to be patient with our kids, what to make for dinner, to what extent will we get aggravated or choose peace, etc. The list is literally endless. It only ends when we are asleep, and are pulled into the unconscious abyss. Even falling asleep can involve decisions. If the mind just can’t calm down and the untamed thoughts are still bouncing off the walls of the brain, we have to decide to climb out of that. Some decide to take a sleeping pill, while others may say screw it and flip on the tv. I sometimes decide between the sleeping pill or just choosing to accept that I may not fall asleep, and I’ll just be tired the next day (I go in and out of the Ambien thing. I want to be permanently out, but sometimes I need to outsource the shutting down. Or so I think I do.). I actually find peace in the latter; not getting apprehensive about lack of sleep. Being less attached to time and how we are conditioned to spend it. Not everything has to be set in stone. Obviously, sleep is extremely important. But so is peace of mind and not resorting to pharmaceuticals. And let’s say that is one of those sleepless nights, do I still wake up at 5:45 for sunrise yoga and get in a much needed spiritual practice? Decisions, decisions.

Our poor brains are always on overdrive. Recently I’ve been making a lot of decisions about boundaries, a skill I’m admittedly just learning. I am a giver to the fullest. This means that over the entire course of my life I have been taken from; spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am thrilled and grateful to be a giver. It’s what we are designed for, which is why it feels right to me. Until it starts to feel wrong and I’m stuck in a pattern which ultimately leads to my own depletion. Self care is not about manicures. Self care is about really taking care of the precious inner self. This was a concept I had to really learn. I cognitively understood it before I truly internalized it. I’d honestly say there was a year gap between the two. Conditioned to just put up with so much shit, all the while still giving, the notion of true boundaries was a language I didn’t speak. I never had a problem with self love. I’ve always been centered and secure within myself. Poor decisions I made never stemmed from insecurity or a lack of confidence. Which is why I didn’t think I wasn’t taking care of myself properly. It drove me crazy with confusion when certain people that I admire and seek advice from would tell me I need to love myself more. I couldn’t accept that, since I already do. But as is true with every relationship, love isn’t enough. There is so much more required, especially in your relationship with yourself. Care, gentleness, patience, compassion, kindness, sympathy, and acceptance are just a few examples of things we strive to give to others, forgetting or just never learning that we need those things too.

I hate the self righteous martyrdom aspect of “proudly” giving to everyone else at the expense of oneself. Why is that a point of pride? I used to pull that card, and trust me, it’s a road to nowhere. No one is happy as a doormat.  I think people say that out of hidden resentment. It’s justifying feeling neglected and having your needs not met. It’s a message to yourself that your needs don’t matter. It leads to unhealthy build up. The same is true with the boundary thing. Without them, we slowly and resentfully erode. And what boundaries are is really just good decision making. Do I continue to allow that hurtful person into my life, even though I did for so many years? Do I enter into an emotional situation that could very well railroad me down the line? Do I overextend myself and promise to be in two places at once? Do I keep remaining angrily quiet or disrespected by someone?

Now that I’ve entered the dating scene, that invites numerous boundary setting opportunities. To whom do I give my time and energy? If I’m certain I have no future with someone, do I bother having conversations with that person? If I am interested in someone, then physical boundaries need to be set. It’s interesting that while all these added decisions can feel overwhelming, they are actually the road to liberation. The more boundaries I set, the more free I feel. Once my protection system is in place, I can find ease within these beautiful, safe gates I’ve created for myself. That’s very much a yogic idea; finding ease in your strength. Once you have achieved a solid foundation, relax into it. We are these limitless beings of vast expansiveness, lacking restraint and restrictions. However we are simultaneously highly contained and compartmentalized.

So which is it? Do we love freely and openly or do we set limits and boundaries? Do we manifest and envision so we can ultimately bring that into reality, or do we remain in the now, knowing the future isn’t real?

This last question goes back to how I began this post; my feverish script writing. What I’m doing needs to stop. Clinging to something that may never be does not serve me well. Dialogues I need to have may never leave my head, and dreams I want to come true may come true in ways I’m not yet aware of. What I have recently learned is this: the decisions I make now and the boundaries I set, minute to minute, create a healthy present, which will undoubtedly lead to a healthy future. Every single thing we decide upon will naturally create our story. The story we want. My former lack of boundaries led to experiences I did not want. I had to rework my entire Jessica infrastructure in order to get different results. Different choices lead to a different story, and boundaries are what shape the chapters.

This is a new discovery for me. I was at a fork in the road not long ago. Choose one direction or the other. No middle roads. One choice would have led me down the wrong path, the other choice might take me where I need to go. Both choices were difficult, both paths were rocky, so it wasn’t an easy, clear answer.  But one path was in the vein of me setting a boundary within myself, even from a discipline standpoint. It was a discipline I need very much, so it felt good to invite myself into that place. Existing within boundaries can feel very uncomfortable at first, since it’s unfamiliar. I’m not used to holding myself back. I’m used to going after what I want, making things happen. But I’m finding comfort in the discomfort, one of the first things my teacher, Betsy, taught our class. What a brilliant concept; allowing for discomfort, working through pain knowing it’s finite. Nothing is permanent. Energy always changes.  Situations change. People grow. Life is fluid, never linear. We draw lines to really give ourselves more wiggle room. Fear nothing, even the undesired outcome. It’s ok to not know. We don’t decide to know; we decide to be ok with not knowing.

I love this Deepak Chopra saying that if we embrace uncertainty than we can never be disappointed. Wow. Scary, but wow. The fear lies in how accustomed we are to only feeling safe in predictability. But that’s really contradictory since we’d only feel safe in one  certain result that we try to manipulate into being. We can’t fathom dealing with the result we are sure we don’t want. Therefore, getting to a place where we are ok with simply not knowing, where the only thing we know is that we will be safe and fine no matter what, eliminates tremendous fear. And it eliminates the need for script writing, which brings us back to the story that is happening now. And what is happening now for me is that I feel stronger, safer, and more connected every day. This makes me smile. The End...The Beginning...