Smells Like... my feet

Actually, I can say with grateful relief that I don't have a foot odor problem (Gentleman, take note). But since this post is about Nirvana, one of the greatest rock bands ever,  I had to give a nod to their most famous song. I'm of course referring to "Smells Like Teen Spirit". This song fuels me just as much today as it did when I first heard it in my youth. The guitar opener stops me cold each and every time, then rips me open to the point where I willingly spill forth all my guts and emotions. Kurt Cobain still holds space for us posthumously. I always felt permission to feel or think whatever the hell I wanted under his unintentional direction. Whether or not what was/is going on inside me makes sense to the outside world is irrelevant. Many of Kurt's lyrics are like WTF, but it somehow never mattered. There was something bigger happening than phonetics.

If you never saw the video to this song, I strongly suggest looking it up. It completely encapsulated the dark, teenage, human angst roiling up inside of a misunderstood generation. Is there even a thing as an "understood" youthful generation? I don't think so. It's part of adolescent development to be confused, sad, angry, alone, adrift, frustrated, and unable to understand or explain why. Which is why teens cling so manically to musicians that can explain and feel more clearly than they can. Think about how many songs from that era you still respond to do viscerally. Chances are those songs aren't necessarily musical masterpieces, but they reached inside you, grabbed hold of your emotions, and set them free. Four and a half minutes of freedom is sometimes all we need to get through the day. All the video footage of Beatlemania, or hot early Elvis days, showing women fainting and literally tearing their hair out; that's all so real. Music makes people crazy because at the root of all of us is this deep longing to be understood. When we feel understood by a musician, a guitar riff, or a set of lyrics, it's this burst of energetic relief. It's more satisfying than popping a water balloon. 

Kurt Cobain, despite all his demons, lifted up (and continues to lift) an entire generation, a generation that felt crushed by his suicide. Going back to the gothic cheerleader in the video that I am dying to dress up as. Can someone please make a not nerdy Purim party?? The whole squad looked like this, but the one I couldn't take my eyes off of had braided pigtails, a little Catholic girl skirt, piercings, and major tattoos. There was something about the way she moved and how her hair flew that mesmerized me. I listen to that song all the time, and always think about her. She obviously represented a part of me I wanted to release. An F U boldness that was impervious to all else. Twenty five years later, I still want to emulate her. The cheerleaders moved in this deliberate slow motion, that was fiercely apathetic yet devoted to something. We all go through the motions of life, while often having zero comprehension or control over what the hell is happening inside us.   The drums on Teen Spirit still drive me wild. I've fallen off the elliptical machine several times trying to "air drum"🙄. Apparently I can neither drum in actuality nor in my fantasies. I've ALWAYS wished I could drum, since childhood. Lenny Kravitz and Billy Joel both have female drummers (Billy Joel's might be a percussionist), and watching them fills me with awe and envy.  Lithium, All Apologies; unfortunately the list does not go on very long, but all of it is gold.

As a teen in the MTV generation, I watched Nirvana Unplugged until my eyes and heart bled. Dave Grohl in that low ponytail and turtle neck is an image forever burned in my mind. I'll never forget listening desperately to Courtney Love on the radio, the night Kurt took his life. She was the First Lady of grunge. She was a piece of work, but he loved her, so I did too.     

Fast forward 25 years later, and I just discovered Instagram. I find this artist on IG, @topherkearby. He writes and draws beautifully. His cartoons are superb. I saw a rendering Topher did of my beloved Kurt a few months back. Then there was  an offer on his account for custom Converse. I messaged him requesting Nirvana sneakers. They are incredible, and a comfort to me. After so many years, we still miss who we miss. Once a person impacts us so deeply, we will fill that hole with whatever we can get our hands (or feet) on. I can never walk in Kurt Cobain's shoes, but now I have him painted on mine. These shoes are art, and art is often found in the unlikeliest of places. Beauty when we least expect it. Messages in the mess. At 40 I still feel like I reek of Teen Spirit. I don't ever want to wash that away.

🤘🏻, LB