Vex and the City

 I have entered the world of dating, something I've never done. Having gotten married at 20, the only "dates" I went on were movie/hang out situations with yeshivah boys. Fast forward two decades later, I am dating Men. I am learning that despite age defining a guy as a technical man, he can be just as infantile and emotionally challenged as an adolescent. Truthfully, the boys that really liked me in high school were quite honest about that. Of course I had the required experience of pining after one guy who was consistently an asshole for two years, but I chalk that up to initiation. Most of us go through that. If we like, love, and cater to them enough, they'll come around, right? A big part of me still thinks that. I need to recondition that thinking ASAP. I know that often stems from insecurity with girls, but it's the opposite with me. Miraculously, despite having a list of reasons why I should be an emotional mess, I have always had a very clear sense of self. I have always been confident, secure, and comfortable with who I am. I never went through the "I'm not good enough and I suck" phase. I feel blessed with that, it's a really hard hole to dig yourself out of.  Rather, I think I'm so darn terrific that OF COURSE this male will be falling all over himself to be with me 😂 (note the emoji meant to add a drop of ironic self deprecation, though I mean this).
 

I learned that there is ego in that statement. Not in believing in myself and having acute awareness about my sense of Jess, but ego in that other people's issues have nothing to do with me. In other words, if a dude has unhealthy emotional problems, deep rooted insecurities, erratic behavior patterns, or fear of commitment, then those things live within him and are not in any way tied to me. Assuming that meeting me once or twice, even on fantastic dates, will automatically erase decades of buried emotional shit, is foolish on my part. As I'm figuring this out, I'm realizing that it's not just me knowing what I bring to the table. IT'S JUST THAT I AM SO NORMAL, SO I DO NOT PROCESS WHEN SOMEONE IS NOT. I had to scream that in caps. I naively assume everyone is a balanced, emotionally tapped in, honest person like myself. I keep hearing and seeing more and more that this isn't the case.

I recently was fixed up with this guy and had two of the most phenomenal dates in history. Natural, easy hours of conversation that ran both light and deep. Zero awkwardness. Jokes. Compliments. Hand holding. Intense physical attraction. I really enjoyed myself. I felt adored, seen, and understood, which is what every relationship should feel like. I had good reason to believe this would evolve in the same manner in which it had begun. NOPE. While the dates were wonderful, his in between communication skills were terrible. As in nonexistent. I wouldn't hear from him for long periods of time, which felt so rude and disrespectful. I really took that as a lesson in patience and restraint. I did not reach out on between, hoping to spark conversation, as I've always done in the past. I got to a place of gratitude for the lesson: Jess, not everyone thinks like you. I mediated on being more open minded, and on bringing in all my yoga teachings about having a pliable, open mind and heart, not just a body. I really liked him so I did not want to judge him. But I also knew that a relationship, especially in the beginning, shouldn't feel so frustrating. There was too much anguish too soon. It was ridiculous. I have come way too far to tolerate anything less than what I deserve and yearn for. After going dark the first time, I eventually got this long, seemingly sincere apology about him being overwhelmed with some personal stuff🙄, but that he had such a great time and would love to see me again. I saw humility in that text, so I was gracious, cool, and agreeable to another date. I wanted to believe it was a fluke.

Date 2 was off the charts wonderful, and he was so apologetic again. Um, then he checked out again for the exact same time he did prior (nine days but who's counting?). Date 2 ended with him telling me to reserve a certain weekend so we could go out, after he returned from a family vacation. I waited and waited, dumbfounded that he would repeat the exact same behavior he just apologized for. It made no sense. There was zero follow up about the weekend date. I was beyond agitated and it took over my every thought. I threw out a "hey, how was your trip?" text. What I got back were six pictures of his family on the beach. Er....?

Listen, I am very energetically perceptive. I always have been. I know when someone likes me, is vibing with me, and is physically attracted to me. That part was there. The second part of consistency, maturity, and follow up was not. There were other red flags I chose to roll with, honestly since I really am a very open minded and understanding woman, and I really want a relationship. It sounded like he never had a loving, serious relationship. He said he'd never been in love but I figured he just hadn't met the right person (me). In describing some past relationships, all the women mentioned sounded broken and inept, but yet remained topics of conversation. He's in touch with most of them. Why keep in contact with chicks like this?? They must make him feel masculine and superior. The Hunter, the Hero, the Fixer.

There are other parts to the story that lead me to believe he was vastly insecure. One such detail was that he told the person who fixed us up that he was slightly intimidated by all the cool things I'm doing, blog, DJ, etc.   🚨🚨🚨 Lame Alert‼️ I will not apologize for being a full woman with dreams, goals, and interests. What I'm doing now is just the beginning, so if a man can't handle these initial stages of me writing and playing music , then HE is the one who is broken and lost. Perhaps he collects women like that as some messed up support group. It was all very self destructive: I knew he really liked me but his deep rooted issues destroyed the chance of anything real taking hold. When I feel a pure connection to someone, I roll with it full steam ahead 🚊. I am a healthy girl, so I process connections in a true, healthy manner. Which means the opposite case exists as well; unhealthy people will take that true connection and have no clue where to go with it. I have never examined things in these terms. It is a vexing necessary evil in understanding why men, who I really don't know, can act like such assholes. It has nothing to do with me. I keep hearing "men are the worst" etc. I don't believe that and I can't believe that. I don't want to ever get to the place where my optimism and innocence turns dark and bitter. What I need to learn is that these guys are coming to the restaurant table with years of shit that I can't see after several hours. I have nothing to hide, but that's rare.

Most humans in both genders have massive triggers and complexities that have never been dealt with. I certainly don't want the job of digging through someone else's crap. No thanks. This guy was so extremely inconsistent. He'd have bailed eventually. I think my assured nature threatened him. Age doesn't define a man, clearly. Emotional maturity and sensitivity does. Consistency, reliability, security. Respect. I honestly learned a lot from this.  It makes me feel a little sad that I have to curb my enthusiasm when I know there's a real spark and connection, but I guess that's life. Specifically dating life. I never understood what it meant to protect myself emotionally, but I'm getting educated. It means protecting my heart so I don't watch as it gets run over by someone who doesn't deserve a license. Chemistry and connection are natural, but I need to mix those with logic and caution. Blech. I heard this shit happened, but I never thought it'd happen to me. Nothing more to say but "onward".