Last Thanksgiving Sucked

Hey there. So yes, every single day is a chance for reflection. However holiday time is really a forced means of seeing where your currents are currently holding. On a random Wednesday it may be harder to look back on where you were on another past random Wednesday, but it’s easy to recall what you were doing last Thanksgiving. And look back we must. It’s our job to monitor ourselves. Each year means we’ve completed another lap around the sun. We aren’t just meant to exist like zombies with no evolution, and in order to prevent that we need to check in with ourselves constantly. How we’ve grown, how we regressed, what we’ve changed. This is scary in that if there’s been no clear growth or learning then we are forced to face our stagnancy. To think we just existed like blank machines for 365 days is an uncomfortable thought. That is cumulative though, and unless we look at ourselves under a microscope, we will inevitably be faced with years worth of sameness. Even if you generally like your life there are always ways in which we can grow and further enrich our lives. We can love better, communicate better, give more, be more patient, say hello to more strangers, the list is endless. Liking your life doesn’t mean it can’t be fuller. The fuller we are, the better we can handle this whole human gig.

As I reflect upon where I was exactly a year ago, I can say with certainty that I was miserable last Thanksgiving. I was in another country in a series of unexpected, somewhat frightening situations with a person I thought I knew. Without getting into detail, let’s just say I was blindsided by the turn of events that unfolded. This was a trip I’d excitedly planned for several reasons, and to say it went off the rails is an understatement. I was scared, alone, unmoored, and lonely. Being alone and being lonely are completely different btw; I’m often alone but almost never lonely. So when I do feel deeply lonely, something is very wrong. Being so far away, I was kind of trapped and had to ride out the week. There were times I felt physically unsafe, and needless to say I’m not used to that. I had to force myself to become really resilient that week, and I did. I wrote a post about that and I meant it. Any hard circumstances catapults us into forced growth. Sink or swim. I dealt with things I never had to deal with, and I survived and made the best out of things on the outside, despite being really unhappy on the inside. But the week passed as I knew it would, and now a year has passed as I knew that would too.

The past couple days I have been really thinking about the difference between these two Thanksgivings, and I am overcome with delicious bouts of gratitude at the distinction. This year I’m safe, I’m home, and I’m spending the day with people I love who love me too. I have a large, carefully chosen family. My children are safe, happy, and traveling with their father. My oldest is having the time of her life on her gap year program. I am alone in my home but not at all lonely. I am writing, DJing, going out with friends, and watching movies on the couch. I’m enjoying lying in my bed in front of the fireplace mid afternoon. I am immensely enjoying my present circumstances. I would never allow the shit from last year into my current life. The quality of men I’m dating is way higher. My standards have been thankfully and unapologetically raised. How I value myself, my time, and my energy is leaps and bounds ahead of how I treated myself last year. After being flung into space post divorce, I’m finally settling into my true self. It takes a long time to learn who you really are, what you really need, and what you won’t tolerate. I didn’t learn this in my 20’s and 30’s. Truthfully, had I had learned that then it still would look different than it does today. I’m older and more seasoned. Me at 28 can’t possibly be the same at 40, it shouldn’t be anyway; that would mean I became stuck somewhere. Stunted. Divorce is a funny thing in that it can lend the illusion that you’re ready to bust out of your former situation and take on the world. I wasn’t of the ilk of women who gained 30 pounds and sat home crying with Ben and Jerry. I was ready to roll, or so I thought. It has taken two years of intense self study and daily spiritual work to move me through all these tunnels of realization. It’s not done, it’s never done, but the platform I’m currently standing on while waiting which path I need to take next is just right. I’m going to just collect myself and sit down for awhile. Observe. Rest. Breathe into my own growing power. It’s nice to be still while everything and everyone is frantically moving around. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come, and even more excited about where I’m going. But for now, I’m going to honor the pause and just chill. Life is good, Man. It’s so freaking good. And I give thanks for that with my ever expanding heart every single day. Last year is over. It ended as all things end, both good and bad. Tomorrow is merely a hypothetical. Come sit next to me. Let’s marinate in the Now.