so you had a bad day

I recently sat in a group circle at a healing yoga workshop.  It was comprised of a lovely group of women, most of whom were new to me. When it was my turn to say how I'd come to be there, I briefly described my fairly new relationship with yoga. I never thought of it this way, but I heard myself saying, "there are no more bad days". This choice of words was so interesting to me, and it seemed to really resonate with the group. Everyone nodded and understood. I gave it thought after the class. I wanted to delve into those words that accurately tumbled out during an honest moment amongst strangers. It's really true though; while there are and always will be, difficult days, I can't recall a time I labeled an entire day as "bad". Believe me, I've had many one could sum up as such. Divorce is no picnic. Telling your children about divorce is one of the scariest, worst things you may ever have to do. It was easily the most terrifying moment of my adult life. After I did it, my whole body crashed for four days. The weight of the pressure of revealing that truth, absolutely pummeled me. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. There are difficult days dealing with a marriage too. No relationship is always totally smooth. Married couples can have bad periods that last months. Loneliness and strife will find us all, married or not. It's part of life. We have been given a vast spectrum of human emotions, half of them super shitty. This most certainly includes raising children. Hard days at work, a lousy moment with a friend. The list goes on. And it always will. To daydream about reaching this fantasy state in our lives, when all will be aligned, thus allowing us to finally be happy, will never happen. Even if all your circumstances are in sync, emotions and situations change minute to minute.

We can control almost nothing in our lives. Energy is constantly flowing in all sorts of directions. Take a mood swing. Blissful one moment, enraged the next. Your mood can be consistently cheerful one day, but your child's can be bitchy, therefore causing drama that you hadn't factored into your day. The plan you had to be happy that morning, despite your purest intentions, has been derailed by any of a number of things. Accept that as a possible looming reality. You're really never at the wheel, even though you cleaned, detailed, and gassed your car like a good girl should. Wanna know why I think I no longer have crappy days? Purpose. When you aren't certain and clear on your purpose in life, even seemingly great days feel shitty. Feeling adrift, even under a veneer of togetherness, is an extremely unsettling feeling. You may try to distract yourself with shopping, errands, putting down someone else, but the subconscious gnawing continues. Many mothers jump to the silly martyr excuse, that their purpose was to have kids. I did that, and it's lazy bullshit. First of all, then how do you account for the years prior to giving birth? Second, what an insane amount of pressure to put on your children, for forcing them to provide you with a reason for your existence. It's like expecting a baby to heal a marriage. It's actually the opposite of a selfless mommy martyr. It's selfish to dump your purpose onto any other person, especially a little kid. Find it yourself. Yes, that's a scary prospect ,but so what? It's our responsibility. There's no way around that. Out of basic gratitude for having been born, we simply must. We owe it to ourselves, to God, and to everyone we love. Some of our purposes are the same, some are vastly unique. Everyone can give and receive love, but not everyone will be a talented painter. We can all use our bodies to physically hug and kiss, but half the world shouldn't be legally allowed in a kitchen to cook for others. We can all smile, but we all can't teach math (I sure as hell can't). Some of our purposes are highly specialized and individual.

There was one Michael Jackson and one Stephen Hawking. But every single human being has the ability to be nice to someone else. To love. To support. I'm not talking about a sociopath with faulty wiring. I mean typical humans. We can all share, we can all receive. Often these abilities can be buried under years of emotional sediment, but the capability is indeed there. Many years ago, I did do some yoga regularly when I lived on NYC. It drove me crazy that during shivasana, when we are meant to lie still on the mat at the end of class, sealing in our practice, that I could not keep the palms of my hands facing upwards. It was an awkward, intensely uncomfortable feeling. I couldn't articulate what the issue was at 23 years old, but I never forgot about it. It was this: for whatever the reasons were, I was not able to receive. An upwards, open palm is receiving of the energy of others,of welcoming what the environment and atmosphere is trying to give you in that exact moment. In order to fill yourself with that, there must exist an opening in which to do so. I was closed on certain levels, so even the small act of positioning my hands a certain way was difficult. I tried but then would flip them back downward. I would recognize the same bodily discomfort when my stomach would clench, or I when I would wake up with a locked jaw and my fists balled up. I would literally pry my fingers open. This is how significant a closed palm is. If you can't even be receptive while you're asleep in a subconscious, relaxed state, certainly you'll be closed in a conscious state. Our bodies are not what we are comprised of, they are just the external part of us. However, our bodies are our most important messengers. The human body is so complex; if one of the thousands of things that make it work are off, everything feels off. The physical pain we get used to is staggering. Instead of tapping into why we get migraines, we usually just accept that we have migraines. Back pain, inflammatory bowel disease, a curved spine, headaches, the list of how stress manifests itself goes on.

 In yoga, not only do you elasticize and become aware of your physicality, but of your emotional and mental state as well. All parts of you are forced to, as they always are meant to, work together. People feel safe on the mat because things are finally starting to feel aligned. The trick is to keep the feeling of safety and openness with us all day. This is not easy, but it becomes easier through intention, purpose, and awareness. Denial perpetuates problems. Facing shit gets rid of it. It sometimes is just that simple. Uncovering and discovering my inner parts had brought me tremendous joy. We are made in god's image, therefore we are infinite. There is literally an entire world inside you waiting to be looked at. If you don't uncover it no one else will. No one else can. In the above mentioned yoga workshop, the gist was that we fatigued our muscles, then lied down on our backs and just shook. We just all lied there, silently quivering, releasing years of built up pain and trauma. It was wondrous. I softly cried with gratitude at the sheer ability we have to heal ourselves. It is so sad our children are not being raised to know this, and even sadder most people grow old and die without ever knowing their own power. This went on for about twenty minutes. No one wanted it to stop. It was incredibly humbling to have been introduced to this gift. It felt like possessing a magical power, which it indeed is. This, folks, is why I no longer have "bad days"; because I know this. I cannot not know it. At every miserable, disappointing, irritating moment in life, you can steer yourself to a safe port. Bad times, yes. Always. It's unavoidable. Expect it. But understand there's a way out of your own pain. As my teacher Betsy says, "You are all you need." I've referenced that before, but I say it to myself constantly. This notion brings me comfort. Comfort helps get rid of bad days:).

Seek and hold onto those you find comforting. Eliminate those who bring discomfort. Open your palms, receive what it means to be soothed by those people. Receive what it means to take yourself down from a ledge. An open heart, together with open hands and an open mind, make so much room for good stuff. You are incredible because each one of you is all you need. Retracing back to how I started to speak about purpose... To heal yourself, to heal others. To comfort yourself, to comfort others. To open yourself, to open others. Knowing I can do this, understanding the reason for my existence, is a sure way to wake up smiling every day. Unclenched jaw. Open fingers. A relaxed belly. Open eyes, open in the real way. Many people with perfect vision cannot see, just as many blind people are deeply intuitive. I will keep honing and discovering channels in which I can honor my responsibility. It feels awesome.

Love, LB